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Thread: Do you guys believe in radio silence?

  1. #1
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    Do you guys believe in radio silence?

    Hello everyoneÖ

    I am no strangers hereÖ Iíve been on here a lot in the last few months.

    I have felt really supported on here, but I also feel like Iíve taken some lumps, and I try to hard to understand whether I deserve them, or not. Maybe sometimes I do, other times not.

    SoÖ As many of you know... my lady friend took off just over a week ago (for the second time in 3x mos.), and other than a very hostile telephone call a few days later, we havenít connected since.

    I try to understand my role, and I have also done some research on trauma, since that was her main theme for a good chunk of the time I knew her.

    What I have found out, is that when people with trauma histories are in relationships, things can get very complicated very quickly. This almost fits what I have experienced. Trauma victims very quickly backpedal when in complicated situations and start to lash out at their partners, accusing them of things like...being a bad partner, and not catering to their needs, and this is pretty much exactly what I saw.

    They also say that what partners need when they go into this sort of ďflashbackď anxiety, Is not someone who is defensive and tries to explain everything, which is exactly what I did, but someone who will sit with them and tell them that they love them and that they arenít going anywhere, which is so far from what I was capable of doing during those moments, feeling like I was dodging weapons.

    Anyway, itís been a week. She is posting Memes on her Facebook page, which she blocked me on (but friends are telling meÖ) and the Memes are very demeaning to me, and our relationship. Itís very hurtful. In retrospect, other than about one Minor disagreement/argument a month, we were doing really welltogether, and I thought I always treated her with respect and kindness.

    So whatís my point, this time around, you ask.

    An online relationship expert team claims that going no contact with a significant other that has broken up with you has a very high success rate. To validate that, back in early February, my girlfriend was upset with me with something very similar, although this time it seems more intense. That time around, she wrote me a note and told me she didnít think she could do it anymore, for many of the same reasons. I went completely no contact, and tried to move on, even though my heart remained true to her, for many complicated reasons.

    The no contact time of three weeks worked. A little more than three weeks later, she wrote me a long text, essentially saying her final goodbye. I called her right up and we were able to move forward right from that call.

    This time around, there hasnít been a formal break up, but I presume her storming out of my house one night, and then hanging up the phone on me in a very angry fashion a few days later, and no contact since, blocking me on Facebook, and changing her status to ďsingleď, those are all pretty significant signs. She was very pissed and she left here and on the phone. Almost irrationally so, in my opinion, but I took a lot of heat for saying that last week.

    Itís also odd that she broke up with me, and had all of these reasons stacked up that she was willing to tell me, is still posting very detrimental Memes that point to me on her Facebook account. That almost seems to imply that she thought I could or should have been doing more to prevent this. I donít know what more I couldíve done, under the circumstances, Iím not really understanding where all of this very strange behavior was coming from.

    Another part of the no contact strategy is to allow the break up partner to have some time to figure out their part in what happened. It would be my hope, that when the dust settles, she will see that her part in this whole fiasco contributed significantly, as well. That realization could make her reconsider her hardlined perspective, and maybe consider reaching out.

    Some of the profiles I have read about trauma say that these are not uncommon ways that trauma victims lash out at people who they Think are threatening their sense of balance. I do understand that. I wish I had the opportunity to negotiate my part in it with her.

    So, I am confused as to whether I should continue with a no contact this time around, given that I know that she is very angry and disillusioned with me and our relationship. Part of me wonders if she is equally delusion that I havenít fought for her. She hung up the phone on me, and I never tried to call her back, or text her, or write her any kind of letter. I completely let it go, based on my previous study of the no contact strategy.

    If you are reading this, and you donít know much about the strategy, the idea is to respect the girlís wishes to break up, and for you to give them space to start processing what Brought them to want to break up with you, and whether it was the right decision. Depending on the level of bonding, most relationship experts believe that the break up partner will almost always start to miss the partner that they broke up with, and very often, almost always, will want to reach back out in some form or another.

    Iím guessing Iím wondering that, since this is the second time I would be entering no contact, and also given that This time around, her disappointment in me is compounded, Iím wondering if no contact is the right approach. The experts say she likely wouldnít want to hear for me right now, and more often than not, early contact makes it worse. They say let the girl sit with it a bit and start to miss you, which is more than likely going to start happening, maybe later than sooner.

    Do you guys buy this? I have a good friend that is trying to convince me that, since my lady friend thinks I did her wrong, even though my wrong seems mild in the greater scheme of things, and things have been going so well outside of that, that my friend thinks I should send her a text and just say a simple hello and that I miss her. My gut tells me that that would be a reasonable thing to do. The experts say stay disciplined and try to stay in no contact, and try to move on,, and if she reaches out, great, and if not you have to work on yourself and move forward, one way or the other.

    What do you guys think of all of this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No contact is the right approach. I don't believe in playing games either. Don't contact if the relationship needs a break or often times a permanent break.

    Even though my story is not the same as yours, if anyone hangs up on me, it's over. In my case, if I must resume a lukewarm relationship with them, the dynamics suddenly change from my former naivete to new, enforced boundaries because my former trust in them had been obliterated. Whether it's hanging up on me or not handling conflicts in a mature, unemotional manner, I don't trust people with volatile, ranting responses. I don't trust people who are passively aggressive either. I'll remain civil at best but my heart is gone. Or, during other times, estrangement gives me peace of mind because I feel safe and permanently protected from harm.

    Don't reach out to her because she has made it clear to you that she is moving on. Respect her wishes and move on with your life, too. If she reaches out, wish her all the best and part ways peacefully.

    I believe in radio silence because I've done the same. If I know any relationship, friendship or extended family member will not give me the same consistent, habitual respect, good manners, empathy, courtesy and graciousness, I proceed to live my own life without them in it. Hence, I give them radio silence. I believe all relationships need to be reciprocal and if I don't receive the same effort I put into sincere ties, then I return the favor and treat them the same exact way they treat me even it's radio silence.

    Never grovel, beg, plead, etc. through your actions. Treat people the same exact way they treat you; not better, not worse but the same. It's a two-way street.

  3. #3
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    Thank you, Cherylyn,

    I appreciate your input.

    Well, there has been a development. At a very strange hour of the night, she wrote me a text last night. Of course, it was a ďclosureď text, which I have seen from her in the past when she broke up with me in early February.

    Her text laid out many of her reasons that she was disappointed in me, but mostly centered on how she feels that I devalued her feelings about my ex-wife. Iím trying to understand her. She brought up all of these instances that prove to her how I am still hung up on my ex-wife And didnít do anything to make her feel better about it.

    I see all of these things a very different way. I felt like I was trying hard to put the past in the past and move forward, but also honor my experiences in the past, because I donít hate my ex-wife. We are actually still on pretty good terms.

    My lady friend is taking a complete opposite stance on everything I have ever said about my ex-wife, and turning it into reasons that I donít think are true. From my perspective, she is not trusting that I tell her that Iím not pining over my ex-wife, and my ex-wife is no threat to her. I thought I did that proactively and thoughtfully when it was happening, but she is saying that it has been bothering her all along.

    Hereís an example, and I donít want to be long-winded, although I usually am :-). My girlfriend and I are both very musical. A couple weeks ago, she was able to pick out an obscure instrument of a song, and I was so impressed by thatÖ And I told her that one of the things that I was impressed with and that was meaningful to me was that my ex-wife could never do that, but she can, and that was such a lovely thing. Instead of hearing the compliment that it was supposed to be, and a little bit of a diss of my ex-wife, she heard that as me bringing up my ex-wife again, which means I still must be thinking about her. That just wasnít the case, although Iím trying to understand why she is hearing it that way.

    Another example: I asked my girlfriend if she would like to join me on a bike ride, because I think that would be a lovely thing for her and I to do together. My ex-wife left her bike in the garage five years, since she had no room for it in her little apartment, and I have lots of space. The bike was pretty much abandoned. I didnít really care if it was here, because I figured somebody might use it someday. I told my girlfriend I would get my ex-wifeís bike ready and she could use that. She is upset that it didnít occur to me that it might bother her that I was offering her to use my ex-wifeís bike. I knew it might feel awkward to her, but I never thought it would be this deep of an issue.

    These are the kind of issues that she is bringing up, and she says I dismiss. I kind of see how I have handled these things as an encouragement to leave the past behind. Itís not that Iím trying to dismiss her feelings, but to encourage her to think positively and move forward.

    SoÖ Back to no contact. The theory that I am hearing by relationship expertís is to not respond immediatelyÖ But maybe by the end of the day.

    What would you guys do? Iím considering simply asking her to meet on her next day off on a neutral ground to continue trying to negotiate around these issues. Her text to me just now leaves a few holes. Itís definitely a letter of closure, but thereís lots of room to interpret that this is not what she wants, and Iíd like to explore that. Itís almost the exact same scenario as back in February, and we were able to negotiate around that and it brought us to a better place, despite how badly it has crashed this time around.

    My research into trauma also suggests that her recent behavior is all like a flashbackÖ This is bringing up something in her regarding trust, and I need to decide whether I can manage this kind of lack of trust. When things are good with her, they are really good and nice. We have some very important connections. With that in mind, I do want to explore whether this can be resurrected.

    What the trauma experts also say is that what this girl needs when she is feeling a lack of trust is not explanations. Itís not me trying to encourage her to think otherwise. Itís simply to hold her and tell her that Iím not leaving and that I love her. No explanations of behavior. I think I can do that.

    Thoughts?

  4. #4
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    Why are you talking with your friends about your ex's social media posts? Why not tell them you don't need to know if it's not obvious to them not to tell you.

    For me not being in contact was the best way to heal and move on.

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Why are you talking with your friends about your ex's social media posts? Why not tell them you don't need to know if it's not obvious to them not to tell you.

    For me not being in contact was the best way to heal and move on.
    A big part of me does not want to move on. I want to hear what she is saying and understand her.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It doesnt appear that you are able to take a look at your part, still.

    You are still referring to her as irrational and blaming the ending on her past trauma. No where in this did you own your part.

    In previous posts you accounted in great detail on how you were dismissive of her views to the point of being argumentative. No doubt your belief that her opinions are that of an irrational person.

    Ultimately you believe your views were facts.
    This happened several times to point she told you felt disvalued.

    You are now here, confused as to why shes angry and done. Suggesting her reactions to her interactions with you are either not valid, coming out of nowhere and influenced (again) by her past.

    Dude, she's angry with you and will not tolerate the way you view her and treat her based on that. But you seem confused about angry inferences on her social media?

    Your view your opinions as facts and hers as irrational. I dont know any relationship that can come back from this ongoing dynamic.

    Now you want advise on how to manipulate the no contact rule to get her back.

  8. #7
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    Look up fearful avoidant attachment style. People that display those patterns in relationships have an internal battle between needing space and then feeling abandoned once they push their partners away. No contact is probably your best strategy with her if this sounds like a description of how trauma has affected her (look up how they tend to behave and the things that are difficult for them to discuss and deal with to make sure that describes her). It's not manipulative, she just needs to get the space that she needs before she's ready to come back to you. The more safe she feels with you when this happens, the less severe the pushing will be.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by motm
    Look up fearful avoidant attachment style. People that display those patterns in relationships have an internal battle between needing space and then feeling abandoned once they push their partners away. No contact is probably your best strategy with her if this sounds like a description of how trauma has affected her (look up how they tend to behave and the things that are difficult for them to discuss and deal with to make sure that describes her). It's not manipulative, she just needs to get the space that she needs before she's ready to come back to you. The more safe she feels with you when this happens, the less severe the pushing will be.
    Thank you, MOTMÖ I think you are spot on. I really appreciate your insight.

    I am trying to understand trauma, not only from her perspective but from mine, since it appears, based on my research, is that When two people that have high anxiety, probably fearful avoidant attachment styles, get together, they are going to have difficulty hearing each other. I think thatís very much the case here.

    I think a symptom of her trauma is for her to misinterpret things I say, or hear them in a way that is detrimental, and not what was intended.

    My symptoms... I push her away, and look for negative things to use as judgments in order to push her away. I think both are equally destructive.

    More developments: I pulled up my big boy pants and called her. I wasnít sure if she would respond. I could tell she deleted my number, because she didnít recognize the number on her screen when she first answered. That made me a bit anxious, right from the start.

    However, she couldnít have been more agreeable and open to conversation, and connection, and even responded to my invitation to get together in a few days to either talk about things, or not. She was agreeable with just about everything, and we both seemed to want to talk on and on. I tried to keep it brief, though, to give us more time and space to manage all of this.

    So, I may or may not have more to say about this on Friday after I see herÖ

    Continued positive thoughts and suggestions are encouragedÖ And even the not so positive ones, I suppose. Iím trying to hear what you are all saying.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    A big part of me does not want to move on. I want to hear what she is saying and understand her.
    Maybe it's time to start understanding yourself? Your extreme insecurities, anxious attachment, blatant disrespect for other people's opinions, need to be right at all costs, extreme argumentativeness/defensiveness all cloaked in cushy terms like analytical, seeking understanding and solutions, etc. This woman, you are starting to border on obsessive...... Leave her alone.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    My symptoms... I push her away, and look for negative things to use as judgments in order to push her away.
    Look up dismissive avoidant attachment for yourself. You are describing typical deactivation strategies. Look up Personal Development School on YouTube to learn a lot more about this from a therapist that is really compassionate about people that struggle affected by these traumas.

    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I think both are equally destructive.
    Probably. Attachment trauma can cause us to sabotage relationships and harm people that we really care about.

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