Dilemma

Need some help really. I am married with children, but am not happy. I met someone online last year and forged a relationship. She offered to leave her husband for me, but I said no as I didn’t want to destroy my family. However, we still talked to each other every day. I became a real source of help for her through her depression and in her life. At first we talked still very romantically, we had already said I love you and had sexual online encounters, though we have only met twice and have not slept with each other, but that’s more because she lives so far away. However I could see that she was holding back on her own life because of me, so I pulled this back and we became more platonic.

In the last month she has split with her husband. This was fine and I helped her through it, i was looking forward to her being out of the toxic relationship she was in and move on......the problem is she is starting to. There is a guy she’s starting a new online relationship with, she talked about it to me as I’m her best friend and it hurt. Physically hurt, made me shake with pain. So much so after a week I had to tell her!

I don’t want to hurt anyone in my family, but that is the only reason I can think not to go to her!! I’m not sure she wants me anymore anyway!!

What do I do?

Stop talking to her and let her live her life! You need to man up and work on your marriage. Obviously there's enough love and emotion there to keep you from hurting them. Shift your focus on rebuilding your relationship with your wife. All it really takes is for you and your wife to start talking again as a couple.

I am married with children, but am not happy.

I think this is the fact of your existence right now that needs your full attention, with everything else you're strung out about being a symptom of avoiding giving your marriage and family—and the contours of your unhappiness—the required attention.

You've been cheating on your wife for over a year, which is to say you have spent a year making a choice that has hurt your family. Own that. Obsessing over this woman and her "moving on"—from her husband, from you—is just more hurt, not a road to less. Own that too.

What do you want to see happen here, in the big picture? Do you want your marriage to end? Do you want to be happy inside the marriage? These are the things to be addressing right now—with yourself, with your wife, and inside your marriage. If what you ultimately need for happiness is something outside your marriage—well, you've got to end it first, and go through that process like a man, since no true sunlight can he found in the shade.

Sorry to hear this, but it sounds like she used you as a shoulder to cry on. Unfortunately play with fire, get burned. Stop cheating on your wife.

I am married with children, but am not happy.

 

In the last month she has split with her husband.There is a guy she’s starting a new online relationship with, she talked about it to me as I’m her best friend.

Your wife is not responsible for your happiness. You are.

If you truly care about your family, then first step is stop cheating on them with some online ho. That's not love or even reality. That's getting lost in some bizzaro fantasy world while neglecting real life. Not exactly a way toward happiness, more like a way toward divorce and being an every other weekend dad, living in some tiny studio while watching most of your paycheck going to child support and alimony.

Step two is get engaged back in reality - pick up some hobbies if you don't have any, connect with your wife romantically again, be present in your life and work out how to be happy with what you have. Get off and stay off internet nonsense. Again...nobody can make you happy or unhappy but you, yourself.

Cheating, btw, is not a dilemma, it's conscious, deliberate, intentional, calculated act.

I know, I am not trying to defend any actions and I realise how I should be viewed. Do not worry, I have lowest opinion of myself.

I know, I am not trying to defend any actions and I realise how I should be viewed. Do not worry, I have lowest opinion of myself.

So what are you going to do about it? How are you going to improve your life and your happiness?

I don’t know really, why I’m on here you know? I know what I was going to get but I have no one else to turn to.

I keep going round in circles with this really.

Why don't you like your wife?

I keep going round in circles with this really.

We’ve become separate people. I care about her and don’t want to hurt her, but it’s hard to be with her

I don’t know really, why I’m on here you know? I know what I was going to get but I have no one else to turn to.

 

I keep going round in circles with this really.

OK.

Step one is you block and delete the internet ho. Be honest with yourself for a moment - you have no idea who she really is or if one single word she has ever said was truth. One thing for certain is that what you are feeling is driven by fantasy.

Step two is turning your focus back on your family. Your kids and being engaged in their lives. Your wife and working hard on rekindling the love and romance there. It does take work.

Step three is turning the focus on yourself - what makes you feel good? What gives you a sense of accomplishment? If the answer is "I don't know", then you start with that. Find things to do in real life, hobbies, interests, career, work, projects done around the house that give you that sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Think small rather than big. Every small thing you do, complete, accomplish gives you a deep sense of satisfaction and those small things add up. The side effect is that it builds confidence as well.....that knowledge that you are capable. All of that leads to a sense of well being, satisfaction, which leads to feeling happy and content with your life.

It's not an easy road, but rather a deliberate and purposeful one. You literally walk it one step at a time.

We’ve become separate people. I care about her and don’t want to hurt her, but it’s hard to be with her

You were always "separate people".

What has she done that makes you think she deserves to be lied to and cheated on? What have your kids done to deserve being deceived and possibly discarded for a new, shiny woman?

We’ve become separate people. I care about her and don’t want to hurt her, but it’s hard to be with her

Fair enough, but why not take the high road and let her go before finding a replacement? Since you don't want to "hurt" her, how does cheating help your situation?

How long have you been married? Are you both working? How many kids? Are they under 18? Are you concerned with the financial impact of divorce? Perhaps you should consult a doctor regarding your own anxiety/depression and inertia.

This online chitchat with other women does not replace real therapy and of course as you've seen creates more hardship. Right now you may think you are sticking it to your wife by cheating but the joke may be on you when she discovers this and divorces you.

Need some help really. I am married with children, but am not happy. I met someone online last year and forged a relationship.

Hard to have any sympathy or advice for you! You've betrayed your wife and children, your fantasy lover/girlfriend has taken the step to leave her husband and face the music and persue a new life with a single man. Now your all sour grapes and jealous and expecting an understanding and sympathetic response.

You brought it on yourself and you reap what you sow.

Cliched I know, but no way i was looking for this. It just started and snowballed. It isn’t online chitchat with random person, we’ve seen each other at our best, worst and all the inbetween!! I know it’s easy to assume a particular thing, but I trust this woman with my life. Even if not together we want the best for the other one!

Why aren't you addressing the questions regarding your wife and children? Other than to say you two are "separate people" and you "don't want to hurt" them.

Either divorce your wife or start working on improving your marriage. Or, see if your wife and kids would be OK with you having a woman on the side.

Cliched I know, but no way i was looking for this. It just started and snowballed. It isn’t online chitchat with random person, we’ve seen each other at our best, worst and all the inbetween!! I know it’s easy to assume a particular thing, but I trust this woman with my life. Even if not together we want the best for the other one!

Who are you trying to kid? Serious question.

It's unpleasant to face the reality of your cheating bs, but that's all it is...bs.... Lies, cheating, fantasy, more lies and more lies. Genuine people don't cheat. It's that simple. Nothing, literally nothing, about your imaginary "relationship" is true. Not one thing. Cheaters lie about everything. This includes you too, OP. "I'm unhappy" is such a classic line. Except that nobody is responsible for your happiness except yourself. This isn't on your wife, or kids, or side chic internet ho, it's all YOU. Your personal problem...as is lying to yourself and others. Please spare us the bs and if you are looking for a way out....start by being honest....if you are capable that is....

Yup, as I’ve said, don’t expect sympathy!!

Yup, as I’ve said, don’t expect sympathy!!

Another attempt to dodge the essence of the problem - YOURSELF. I admit I've been a bad bad boy, feel sorry for me. Well pardon me while I roll my eyes at your bs....

What are you going to do about it? I've already given you some pretty solid practical advice as have others...... Are you going to do something constructive or keep whining pretending you are victim in all this?

Please spare us the bs and if you are looking for a way out....start by being honest....if you are capable that is....

Yeah, it’s great to play those cards and quite easy to think that if not in the situation. I agree with the fact that I have done wrong and don’t deserve sympathy, not looking for it. But suggesting that I’m supplying bs on something you haven’t experienced is stupid. There is nothing usual or textbook about the online relationship, it hasn’t a sexual base or anything like that!! Believe it or not, I know what it is

Every single person engaged in an affair claims their situation is "different" or "special" or "not tawdry, it's TRUE LOVE!!!!111"

But bottom line, you have become a cheater and a liar, to both your wife and your kids.

It's not a nice way to live. Integrity does have its own value.

Every single person engaged in an affair claims their situation is "different" or "special" or "not tawdry, it's TRUE LOVE!!!!111"

 

But bottom line, you have become a cheater and a liar, to both your wife and your kids..

True I have and I’m ashamed of that. But have you been in this situation? Because I don’t know what gives you the right to judge emotions

True I have and I’m ashamed of that. But have you been in this situation? Because I don’t know what gives you the right to judge emotions

Because it's pretty text book.

It's older than a bad movie, where the forbidden fruit is more tempting, right? It's biblical.

One doesn't have to be in your position to understand. Besides, it's basic level integrity stuff as well.