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Guy is being insulting and I'm finding him difficult. Advice?


minute_perception

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I'm in my 20's and he's 8 years older. I've seen this guy about a handful of times, I think we're somewhat dating/seeing each other. Throughout COVID, I often go to his in the afternoon/evening - usually a pretty chill day, he cooks or I do and we go for walks. He has a pretty small apartment, so he cooks in the kitchen not facing me while I'm sitting on the couch (occasionally bored out of my brains because he's hardly talking to me) and doesn't put the tv on for me or anything, and then we just sit on the couch and quietly eat together. He has a particular type of humour he says that rubs me the wrong way. A while back I was talking about something and I said to him I won't bore him to death, he said "Bore me to death anytime, hopefully with some of your body but words will do as well" I found it a bit sexist and weird. Okay, so, he's also a bit more religious and traditional than I am. That's fine but I think its starting to rear its ugly head.

 

TMI - I remember the first time we had sex, we were in a doggy position and I just asked him if we could start with him on top as it feels more comfortable for some reason. He looked all sad and immature and said "can we just start from the back sweetie?" which I found very odd, I've slept around enough and have never encountered this. Most men are happy to have sex regardless. I started to ask him a few questions sexually and he told me I was being vulgar and way too sexually forward and almost made me feel guilty about it. Strange, as to how can you know what someone does and doesn't like if you don't express it?

 

Saw him the other night, he told me I have a vocal fry voice at some point. He just often jokes around that I don't behave or something weird. Told me I was being bossy when I just caringly enquired about the tea that he just made and to make sure it doesn't go cold. When he said that, I had no clue as to how I was being bossy and asked "Oh when?" he didn't answer and I had to ask a few more times. We had sex that night and he wouldn't allow me to touch his genitals as he cums a bit fast, absolutely fine with me. He just got me to stand up for a good 10 minutes, playing and kissing with my behind and I was like, can I lay down with you? He jokingly said I was being lazy and how hard it was for me to just stand up. Sorry for the TMI - he got me on my knees, holding my head and every time I did that, my head would subconsciously go back especially as I was below him and looking up and he said to not move, I couldn't not move my head. He always gets me to suck on the things below but not the actual genitals as it makes him ejaculate quickly. I was doing that and then for the first time he was literally rubbing his genitals up and down to my eye area and I was like "Wow what're you doing? that's my eye" He went in from behind and I was just moving a bit as anyone does in the horizontal mambo and he was like "don't move" "Sweetie, when I tell you to not move, don't" again, in a jokingly manner. Then told me after the sex, I'm only sometimes good and clearly stubborn. I was thinking, this is sex, I'm not a robot. It's supposed to be two people 'making love'. Again, very strange to me.

 

He went to use my phone as we were laying together regarding some video and he saw one of my searches which was porn and I quickly said "Oops, bit of porn" and he was like "Do you really watch porn?" He was also pretty insolent when we were watching a YouTube video together, laughing about something and commented on how cute some lady was that went through a tummy tuck was - to me, there is no time for saying comments like that. Strangely, out of everything, he's very complimentary about my looks (face and body).

 

I find him quite condescending to me as well. For example, comparing his drip coffee to the machine I have at home, he will be like "well how does it exactly grind the beans?" I find emotionally connecting with him also quite difficult, I feel he doesn't want to reveal information at times. I've dated guys before where it just feels so natural, intimate and you can speak on the phone for hours for example. These guys have been my age, a bit older, or even older than this guy. However, this current guy I've seen a handful of times barely asks intimate details or wants to reveal anything.

 

Examples:

 

I asked about his past relationships, he just said they ended and didn't go into further detail. I briefly talked about my ex-partners and he didn't ask why it ended. He asks very vague questions about my University degree. He was showing me photos him and his friends of 5-10 years ago and then showed me a few girls and was like "She was cute, she's fat now" or "She was lots of fun" and never thought about asking to see photos of me when I was younger or whatever. I do not intend to sound cocky but I've lived a somewhat interesting life, I've lived in 4 continents, I can snowboard and surf on a longboard. I ain't that boring. He also once snubbed off my approach of bringing up a philosophical question and once texted me saying something quite smart ass about it. I, on the other hand, is very engaged and I ask a billion questions and show interest/care.

 

When I left his house in the morning after we went for a walk, I was telling him to have a good day and genuinely asking about what he had to get up to, it seemed he brushed over the question to me but wasn't that interested. He texted me that night saying he was some type of food and I sent him a photo of mine, we talked for a bit (again, no questions about the rest of my day) and he said he was sleepy so I've left it. That was last night, nothing so far. He normally follows up if I don't reply so maybe he's thinking I'm second-guessing things.

 

How do I go about this? Ghost? Explain my thoughts?

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Just reading about this a__ irritated me. He clearly enjoys putting you down. He is not able to connect with you emotionally, he doesn't really care about you on a personal level...you sound like his plaything.

 

You can do far better than this tool.

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I mean, no offence but where the heck do you find all these guys?

 

Anyway, you don't have fun with him in bed, you don't seem to get along together, he doesn't seem to know how to behave properly, he makes strange nasty comments... just break up with him?

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Ummm......dump him? I was cringing reading this and yeah, how do you even find such a clown, let alone put up with that kind of bs for this long? Really need to learn how to drop these kinds faster. If he contacts you again, just respond with some version of it's not working for me/we are done. If he pitches a fit, block and delete immediately. Don't get drawn into any kind of argument or discussion about it. Over means over.

 

Just wanted to clarify - do not explain anything, do not get into any discussions. He already thinks he can manipulate you and that you'll put up with his bs. So he'll likely try to regain control by talking you into seeing him some more. Do not fall for that - that's not caring, that's disdain and more disrespect toward you. It's an "I don't care what you want, I'm going to manipulate you into whatever I want because I matter and you don't."

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Him and these guys are not the issue...you are. You don't set boundaries for yourself when dealing with people that don't seem to fulfill your expectations. You can't expect people to change for you, you have to make change with your judgments/choices. Like I always say, date those only who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder. This is what is called a "deal breaker". You stop and drop them, move on, that's it, simple as that. Stop making your life complicated by not dating troublesome guys. You need to see yourself as more worthy than what these guys are willing to put out. Stop putting up with it, get some self worth, and work you your self esteem. Tell yourself next time as you dump the guy "I deserve better than this!" Courage and confidence will change your life.

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Ummm......dump him? I was cringing reading this and yeah, how do you even find such a clown, let alone put up with that kind of bs for this long? Really need to learn how to drop these kinds faster. If he contacts you again, just respond with some version of it's not working for me/we are done. If he pitches a fit, block and delete immediately. Don't get drawn into any kind of argument or discussion about it. Over means over.

 

Just wanted to clarify - do not explain anything, do not get into any discussions. He already thinks he can manipulate you and that you'll put up with his bs. So he'll likely try to regain control by talking you into seeing him some more. Do not fall for that - that's not caring, that's disdain and more disrespect toward you. It's an "I don't care what you want, I'm going to manipulate you into whatever I want because I matter and you don't."

 

Thank you, you have hit the nail on the head. I agree. If he had messed up maybe once, an explanation and a sit down might be valuable but this guy is repeatedly bringing me down. I like your no bs attitude.

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Him and these guys are not the issue...you are. You don't set boundaries for yourself when dealing with people that don't seem to fulfill your expectations. You can't expect people to change for you, you have to make change with your judgments/choices. Like I always say, date those only who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder. This is what is called a "deal breaker". You stop and drop them, move on, that's it, simple as that. Stop making your life complicated by not dating troublesome guys. You need to see yourself as more worthy than what these guys are willing to put out. Stop putting up with it, get some self worth, and work you your self esteem. Tell yourself next time as you dump the guy "I deserve better than this!" Courage and confidence will change your life.

 

Would like to clarify, the previous guy in the other post turned out to genuine. He went by a different last name. We've been talking a lot lately and planning on meeting soon. I think I could be in luck this time as we've had some great chats. I appreciate your advice and wholeheartedly believe it often comes from within.

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Stop going to his house? I don't get it. You've only seen him a few times. You don't even have a bad excuse to keep going over if you aren't comfortable. Dude's an ass, but honestly you keep going over there and banging him. For all he knows or cares, it's all a kink for you.

 

Don't sit down and address it. There's no point. Take a break from dating if you're finding yourself stuck or confused in the most escapable situations and over people you've barely gotten to know.

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You have been reduced to nothing more than an object. He won't look at you, he shuts down conversations and is condescending.

And what do think of someone who insists on only entering you from behind and finished quickly suggests?

You've already caught on that it doesnt come close to making love. Because it's not and it won't ever be

You are on object for his pleasure. Nothing more.

Believe you deserve better.

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Ghost this tool! He makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t care about your thoughts and he almost seems to enjoy degrading you. Sounds like a borderline narcissist to me. You deserve a lot better than this and I’m sure you can find way better. He ain’t the one sis. Kick him to the curb.

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As a guy I gringe when I read stories like these.

 

Please stop making excuses or giving these men more time to improve. Most people will be on their very best behavior early on. They may be nervous and not totally themselves until comfortable but this behavior is terrible and purposeful. When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM.

 

Either he is a total jerk or he is trying some sort of mind game to keep you on your heels all the time to serve his whims.

 

I agree with all the others. He is a jerk in bed, jerk on a walk, jerk when you drink coffee, jerk on the phone and probably a jerk when he is asleep. I am not sure how he made it past the first meet.

 

Do you even know what you are looking for in a man? That may be a good place to start.

 

Adjust your picker and you will be fine.

 

Lost

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As a guy I gringe when I read stories like these.

 

Please stop making excuses or giving these men more time to improve. Most people will be on their very best behavior early on. They may be nervous and not totally themselves until comfortable but this behavior is terrible and purposeful. When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM.

 

Either he is a total jerk or he is trying some sort of mind game to keep you on your heels all the time to serve his whims.

 

I agree with all the others. He is a jerk in bed, jerk on a walk, jerk when you drink coffee, jerk on the phone and probably a jerk when he is asleep. I am not sure how he made it past the first meet.

 

Do you even know what you are looking for in a man? That may be a good place to start.

 

Adjust your picker and you will be fine.

 

Lost

 

Perfectly said! Thank you for also being disgusted at this mans behaviour, it’s totally unacceptable.

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Ghost this tool! He makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t care about your thoughts and he almost seems to enjoy degrading you. Sounds like a borderline narcissist to me. You deserve a lot better than this and I’m sure you can find way better. He ain’t the one sis. Kick him to the curb.

 

I agree with the narcissist comment. He told me he has anxiety and was previously on medication - I think it’s more that narcs never respond well to medication (I’m in the psych field). That’s his issue. Thanks sis!

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In my younger days I put up with nonsense like this, to my shame. I think my reasons were:

 

!) thinking/hoping that maybe at some point he'd see how awesome I was and change his behavior

2) he was better than nothing

 

Regarding #1, that never happens, it actually gets worse, and #2 is simply not true. Cut your losses now. Not sure it even matters how you end it, you just do.

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I agree with the narcissist comment. He told me he has anxiety and was previously on medication - I think it’s more that narcs never respond well to medication (I’m in the psych field). That’s his issue. Thanks sis!

He is not a narcissist. He is simply a jerk.

 

You need to address why YOU would continue with someone like this. I think you should take a long break from dating and address your choices in men- in my past, I have also allowed poor treatment due to low self esteem.

 

Just block and delete him. He won't care other than the loss of sex on delivery.

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The more important question (imo) is why you're selling yourself for such a cheap price. He obviously has no interest in you other than a convenient romp in the sack, (no offense). Keep in mind that we teach people how to treat us, therefore what kind of message are you sending him?

 

In short, why not begin by taking the steps to increase your self-esteem?

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Put your educational/professional energy into patients or academics. Smart toxicologists don't ingest poison to study the effects. Dating is not social work. It doesn't matter what diagnosis you think he has.

 

He treats you poorly and you (seem) not to like it, however the way you are backpedaling and want to talk to him etc, suggests you somehow are intrigued by the degrading treatment.

I think it’s more that narcs never respond well to medication (I’m in the psych field). That’s his issue.
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