Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst 1234
Results 31 to 35 of 35

Thread: Do you guys believe in radio silence?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,931
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    . . and to be honest . . .the whole theory on 'get your ex back by going no contact' is basically an attempt to trigger a sense of abandonment in your target.
    Wow, so true!!

  2. #32
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    179
    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I became a teacher by trade
    Do you teach little kids, teenagers, or young adults? Unless you work exclusively with adults, keep in mind that the "behavioral analysis" that you find helpful at work will not work well on a romantic partner. When you said you use "positive language," "encourage her to think positively," it does sound to me very educational - but an adult relationship is not meant to be educational. When you "encourage" someone to think in a certain way, essentially you are trying to tell them their answer is wrong and to teach them the right answer. But it is not a standardized test and in most cases there are no right or wrong answers, just your opinion versus theirs. When you try to bend an adult's mind so they'll abandon their own opinion and adopt yours, 99% of the time it won't work, no matter how "positive" you make it sound.

    Be very careful not to treat your partner like one of your students. It can be very off putting. Unless, of course, your partner somehow functions like a child. But is that the kind of relationship you want?

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,552
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Because you're not secure enough in your own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Based on their own merit of simply being yours. They don't need to be "right or wrong."
    Wise words, right there.

    What struck me in your long post above is the ferocity with which you are compelled, probably not consciously, to bolster your sense of security (which is to say to indulge in insecurity) by trying to get women (or internet strangers) to validate "positive" stories of yourself, to metabolize your lessons: to rejoice in learning from the sage, say, rather than to take offense at your condescending delivery; or to applaud your "positive" outlook with your ex-wife, rather than being hurt at being complimented in direct comparison to a "negative" quality in your ex.

    Old philosophical question: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Why, yes, it does! It is a tree, falling on planet Earth, and does not require my human ears to be "heard," to be real, secure in its organic truth as a tree that fell with a thud. Whether I say the tree did not make a noise, because I did not hear it—sure, I am allowed to say that, believe it. The tree does not take offense, however, because all I am doing is right there is exerting my hubris, making myself, and my own ears, more relevant than the tree, and far more important than they ever are, in any context.

    Something to think about. If you can feel more genuinely "heard" in the vacuum of yourself—and secure in what you're hearing—you may find yourself less combative with women, more open to hearing them, and the differences between you and them, in the fashion of an obscure instrument, say, than a siren responding to your weaknesses and wounds, or challenging your truth. They have their own truths, and the beauty of it? It carries the exact same weight as yours. A ton of feathers weighs the same as a ton of bricks, as they teach kids in school, one of those simple lessons that take a minute for the brain to grasp.

    Every single adult you will ever meet is going to come to you with "trauma." Life is a traumatic experience. It leaves marks. It is both very special and very basic. This requires respect, but it isn't something to "learn," at least in the way I feel you're approaching it all. To operate a forklift, yes, I need to "learn" how it works, and may get into trouble if I try to operate it before reading the manual. But to live in harmony alongside my girlfriend? I just have to accept that she is not me, does not exist to affirm my ideas of myself, is allowed to feel and believe whatever she does, and is under exactly zero obligation to learn a single thing from me.

    Things to ponder, or to defend.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,946
    One thing my brother used to repeatedly do is talk about himself when he was a teenager and compare what he did back then to what his oldest son was currently doing. Of course, he felt his son was lacking in comparison with himself. He did this and that, and his son wasn't doing those things, therefore he wasn't doing as well as he had been when he was that age.

    I finally lost it and told him "G is not you!!" And he retorted "I know that...BUT..." So, he didn't "know" it. G was not doing what he did at that age, therefore G was wrong.

    This woman is not wrong, she just has a different opinion and different perspectives. She doesn't disagree with you just because she's traumatized. That presumes if she wasn't "traumatized" she would agree with you on everything. She might still disagree.

    Anyway...jumping back in without any self-reflection and while still assuming your issues are all due to her "trauma" just means you two will go through this again and again. And again.

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    11,034
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I was watching videos from people who were Masters level social workers, who were suggesting this. It felt like I would be playing games, which itÂ’s not something my gut would want to resort to, but I suspect is part of human nature.

    Whenever someone goes through a break, they are likely trying to think of whatever mechanism that they can use to open up doors that might lead to reconciliation. This whole radio silence philosophy is based partly on “winning“ your ex back, but also respecting what your ex has brought forth...
    You seem like a smart man, therefore I am a little surprised that you are not taking what you find on the internet with some grain of salt.

    We can pretty much google anything to support some theory we have or find something that validates what we want to hear.
    Running with that can be irresponsible.

    You seem to want to diagnose her and then with that offer help. Does that make you a bad guy? No, but have you considered the notion that she isn't wanting help. At least not the type of help you are offering?

    Add in the fact that you seem to influenced by these on line gurus, whether it the 'Get your ex back' gurus, or online psycho babble

    You've gathered an arsenal of info that seems to be a little slanted to help you either guide her, help her or navigate this relationship.

    Hows that working for you so far? The outcome appears to be driving her away.

    Have you reconsidered your sources and is it possible you are being misguided?
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 05-13-2020 at 03:49 PM.

Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst 1234

Videos


What Does Betrayal Do To Relationships?

What Is Good To Know About The First Date

Online Dating Websites Most Frequently Used By Older Adults

Blogging Helps New Moms Handle Parental Stress

What Do Men And Women Want In A Relationship?

Benefits Of Online Education
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •