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Thread: Do you guys believe in radio silence?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who
    Exactly.

    Odds are that if you're going into this line of thinking in the wake of a relationship, assessing what precise mode of "contact" will trigger the desired emotions in another human, you are indulging in some mode of behavior that probably existed inside the relationship, and likely contributed to its unraveling.

    In other words, you are essentially guaranteeing that, even if you "get" what you want, you are getting it from an angle that does no favors. A boat with holes in the deck looks a lot like a boat, save for the part where it sinks instead of floats.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    My lady friend is taking a complete opposite stance on everything I have ever said about my ex-wife, and turning it into reasons that I donít think are true. From my perspective, she is not trusting that I tell her that Iím not pining over my ex-wife, and my ex-wife is no threat to her. I thought I did that proactively and thoughtfully when it was happening, but she is saying that it has been bothering her all along.

    Hereís an example, and I donít want to be long-winded, although I usually am :-). My girlfriend and I are both very musical. A couple weeks ago, she was able to pick out an obscure instrument of a song, and I was so impressed by thatÖ And I told her that one of the things that I was impressed with and that was meaningful to me was that my ex-wife could never do that, but she can, and that was such a lovely thing. Instead of hearing the compliment that it was supposed to be, and a little bit of a diss of my ex-wife, she heard that as me bringing up my ex-wife again, which means I still must be thinking about her. That just wasnít the case, although Iím trying to understand why she is hearing it that way.

    Another example: I asked my girlfriend if she would like to join me on a bike ride, because I think that would be a lovely thing for her and I to do together. My ex-wife left her bike in the garage five years, since she had no room for it in her little apartment, and I have lots of space. The bike was pretty much abandoned. I didnít really care if it was here, because I figured somebody might use it someday. I told my girlfriend I would get my ex-wifeís bike ready and she could use that. She is upset that it didnít occur to me that it might bother her that I was offering her to use my ex-wifeís bike. I knew it might feel awkward to her, but I never thought it would be this deep of an issue.

    These are the kind of issues that she is bringing up, and she says I dismiss. I kind of see how I have handled these things as an encouragement to leave the past behind. Itís not that Iím trying to dismiss her feelings, but to encourage her to think positively and move forward.
    Do you like to bring up your ex every now and then in all kinds of conversations?

    There are people who are cool with talking about exes or staying close friends. There are also people who would frown at any mention of an ex. No right or wrong here, just different preferences. The key is to find someone who's compatible with you on these matters so you don't constantly get on each other's nerves. If she hates mentioning exes and not being able to talk about your ex doesn't bother you at all, why not just drop it? A bike in your garage is a bike in your garage. She doesn't have to know if it used to belong to your ex or your grandma. Also avoid making comparisons even if you mean it as a compliment. Nobody likes being compared to an ex. Can't you compliment her in some other way? Can you imagine someone saying to their partner after a particularly satisfying sex session, "That was great babe. My ex could never do that for me."?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I have to agree. There was absolutely no need whatsoever for you to bring up your ex, especially in the first scenario.

    And therein lies the problem...you think the things that bother her shouldn't bother her. Well...it's not for you to decide! SHE gets to decide what bothers her and what doesn't. And if you disagree you can just let it go or you can find a woman who is fine with being compared to your ex, favorably or otherwise.

  4. #24
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    OP, you come across as incredibly self-righteous.

    Is she, too? Maybe so. The difference seems to be that she is tired of it and wants to drop the relationship. You two are not compatible but she seems to have realized this.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    Thank you, Cherylyn,

    I appreciate your input.

    Thoughts?
    You're very welcome, Whirling D.

    First of all, it's always your mistake to constantly mention your ex-wife very frequently to your lady friend or ex-girlfriend. I'd be irritated if I were her, too. The mention of your ex-wife naturally triggers her ire so don't do it. This is common sense.

    As for the bicycle, I think your lady friend or ex-girlfriend was immature when you offered your ex-wife's bicycle for her to ride. However, since you know that every time you mention your ex-wife to her, naturally you should avoid scenarios which will include anything to do with your ex-wife including her bicycle. Another activity would've been better such as a long, leisurely walk, take out meal, picnic or something like that.

    With some people, it's like walking on eggshells. It's dicey and you have to be careful with choosing your words wisely otherwise you'll cause conflicts and do you want that? Know your audience and be prepared. Watch what you say and write. Err on the side of caution.

    Back to no contact. She broke up with you in February and sent you a closure text last night. You need to be firm yet gentle. Tell her it's over, wish her well, then tell or text her that it's time to go your separate ways. Then ignore, block and delete. Do more than radio silence. You need to cut it off with her permanently.

    Take a break from women. Work on being trustworthy, humble and guard your words. Don't irritate others by speaking or writing sloppy especially regarding subjects which annoy and irritate others. Exercise discretion.

    Those are my thoughts.

  7. #26
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    it is interesting to see all the different perspectives on regarding almost everything I have said in this thread, and my other threads.

    I appreciate those who have tried to offer constructive thoughts or criticism. I’ll probably take more heat for this very long response that tries to touch on some of the things that have been said since I was out here last earlier today.

    I do try very hard to understand my own limitations and involvement in most of the issues that I have laid out here. As to those who say that I am selfish in my approach, meaning all about me, in regards to this, there may be some truth to that, in an effort to self sooth, if you will, but I am also not one, as hard as it is for you to believe, that takes a lot of pleasure drawing attention to myself and talking about myself. If you know me personally, I think you would see that. I’m fairly shy and quite timid, so talking about myself is not always comfortable.

    Clearly, I’m very insecure. I’ve been like that since I was a kid. Big deal. I can think of a lot of ways to be worse off in almost every scenario than to be insecure. I am also profoundly afraid of abandonment and being alone in the latter stages of my life. Those are understandable feelings, as well, particularly if you have suffered from these feelings most of your life. I don’t really feel it’s necessary or appropriate for me to have to apologize for being this way, although it is likely difficult for others to be able to manage. It’s probably a little bit like a tsunami every time I come on here… :-)

    I have spent years of my adult life trying to understand why I do what I do, and have a pretty impressive shelf of books that have been helpful in that pursuit. I don’t feel without wisdom and knowledge in regards to many of the things that we’ve discussed here. Actualizing these things is a completely different matter… It almost seems that no matter how I try, or how much I know or learn, I still have the same hole in my heart, from unknown origin, that puts me at the center of all of this kind of drama. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of learning how to be good to people and very kind, which sometimes gets challenged on here. Some of that I’ve deserved, but keep in mind I am purging fairly deep feelings in my writings on here. Writing is a bit like windowshopping, you can look in the window and really like what you see, but you aren’t necessarily going to feel the need to take it home.

    For those of you to say that I am selfish or self righteous… I wasn’t brought up and taught to be an achiever. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I’ve had to learn to do that on my own. I became a teacher by trade, which may explain some things, but I think my interest to convey things that are important to me goes way back prior to my teaching days. it makes me feel good to want to help people, and to know why people do the things they do. Given that my teaching profession involved a fair amount of behavior analysis, I feel I have gotten quite good at it. It helps me understand myself, as well.

    I admire people who have insights and are willing to share them. I have never felt that to be a threat, or self righteous.. My former spouse constantly rejected almost anything I ever tried to say that might have seemed preachy, because she said that me saying things like that felt like I was trying to teach her something, which then implied that she knew less than I did. I think that’s the negative way of looking at it. The other way would be to rejoice that you were able to learn something from someone you admire.

    Clearly, I have not always been without judgment regarding some of the things that I have said about the state of mind of my lady friend. I have made some pretty strong suggestions, maybe even not very flattering ones, as to where the behavior has come from. I’ve seen all of this behavior from her before, and I probably will again. I’m just trying to call it what I see it. I haven’t said I haven’t done any of these things myself, or that I am incapable of trying to resolve our differences. I know we have our work cut out for us, and I have always felt capable of listening to her and trying to understand what she is saying. Most of the time, it is likely my interest to try to help that gets me into trouble, not my interest to argue.

    It has been her all along that has used the term ¬ďabused¬Ē and ¬ďtrauma¬Ē to Describe matters that steer her behavior. I¬íve known that from the beginning, and much of what I have observed regarding how she handles complicated emotional matters stems from conversations that her and I¬íve had regarding that trauma. I have similar baggage, so I compare what I see from her to what I have experienced myself, or learned throughout my own studies.

    So far, almost everything that I have observed and predicted regarding what has been happening with this lady is pretty much turning out to be exactly that. One of the things that I have read lately, that is quite evident in the scenario, is that anxiety is going to bring out trauma symptoms abound¬Ö And yes, I precipitated all of this by getting on her case about something that I was finding irritating¬Ö But at that point, both of our anxiety levels went through the roof, and this whole saga was the result.

    In response to me talking about my ex-wife. I have been trying to approach my history with her in a very positive light. But, yes, she comes up fairly regularly, because we have a fairly young daughter to have to manage together. When my lady friend expressed concern about it a couple of weeks ago, it was the most significant reaction to my ex-wife that I have seen her exhibit, and it has been coming out mostly in the last few weeks. My approach to that was to simply try to use positive language, and reinforcement to try to encourage my lady friend that she has nothing to worry about, And that I¬íve gotten pretty good at leaving the past in the past and focusing on what is right in front of me. She seemed to respond fairly positively to that as it was happening, but in her long letter of ¬ďclosure¬Ē she was reiterating her notion that no former partner should have any place in a subsequent relationship.

    Her and I don’t agree on that, so we will have to come to a consensus. It would not have occurred to me that a positive conversation regarding an ex-wife could prove to be problematic in a relationship. If and when she says to me that she doesn’t want to talk about my ex-wife, I’m OK with that. I already have some ideas that may be helpful. I just didn’t know that’s how she felt. In my brain, I thought that she would value and respect the fact that I have a pretty good working relationship with my ex-wife, and we coexist as parents and former spouses fairly amicably. I’m fairly proud of that status, and it wouldn’t have occurred to me that my lady friend would not share that pride, given that this is not a common occurrence in today’s divorced culture.

    It is fairly easy for me to acknowledge, maybe not as much in written form on here, that when I find myself in this kind of situation, writing and trying to analyze things in print is a way that I have found to be hugely therapeutic. It allows me to streamline my thoughts, and maybe to purge a little bit. You guys don¬ít get all the details, so one of the frustrations that I have coming on a site like this is that some folks make a lot of presumptions and assumptions, Some of you make a lot of comments that can be sometimes ¬ďdifficult¬Ē to absorb, and yes, sometimes hard to believe. I do take that on the chin, and it¬ís hurtful when I read it. As my favorite lyricist recited in a song from 20 years ago ¬ďsometimes supersensitive, but who can care too much?¬ď Yes, I¬ím pretty self-absorbed. For the most part, I¬ím OK with that. I spent a great deal of time not being self-absorbed, as well. It¬ís my life, I¬ím going to honor my own needs.

    As far as arguing, or analyzing. Many of you have stated that you think that I just have this chronic need to argue and convince people of my ways. I don’t feel that way. Sometimes I can be a little bit opinionated, but not nearly as much as most people that I know. If anything, I think I tend to be a bit of a pushover in person, which may be why I have a tendency to try to overcompensate when I am still trying to get to know somebody, or things are still unclear with a significant somebody.

    As far as using radio silence as a tool to win somebody back, and whether it is manipulative… Well, it bothered me at first when I was watching videos from people who were Masters level social workers, who were suggesting this. It felt like I would be playing games, which it’s not something my gut would want to resort to, but I suspect is part of human nature.

    Whenever someone goes through a break, they are likely trying to think of whatever mechanism that they can use to open up doors that might lead to reconciliation. This whole radio silence philosophy is based partly on ¬ďwinning¬ď your ex back, but also respecting what your ex has brought forth... separation. I approached this with that in mind. Of course I wanted my lady friend to be thinking of me, and to leave the door open, but I also knew from my research that the best way to do that would be to leave her alone, for all the reasons that one of the thoughtful posters on the last page mentioned, if it seems manipulative to do that, I am OK with that. I¬ím not entirely sure that there is necessarily a correlation between using this strategy and being manipulative throughout a relationship. I Try hard to be honest and to not manipulate, but I¬ím not perfect. neither is anybody else.

    So, to close for tonight, my lady friend and I have been texting back-and-forth today. She said that she is very glad that I called today, and that me calling has made her feel much more calm and under control. so do I. I think that is a good outcome, for at least today.

    It is true that I am likely up for more drama. However, I do think the more I learn about trauma, and what to expect, the less it may be likely to trigger my own anxiety when it comes up.

    These scenarios, however unintended, are also good ways to force me to look at why I have done the things that I have done may be pushing her away. These will be recurring battles that both of us will likely have to be fighting over the next while.

    Yes we are very different, I’m sure I irritate her in as many ways as she does. But there’s a lot of goodness between her and I, as well, and that’s what I am going to be trying very hard to focus on, putting all else behind us.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are living in the past and simply pass the negativity forward to any unfortunate soul who crosses your path. It sounds like you had a horrible childhood. Were your parents abusive or chronically arguing?

    Therapy would help more than self-help books. It may also uncover mood or other disorders associated with negativity and argumentativeness. You do come across as trying to teach people a lesson, but in a vindictive, condescending way.
    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    Clearly, I’m very insecure. I’ve been like that since I was a kid.

    .. My former spouse constantly rejected almost anything I ever tried to say that might have seemed preachy, because she said that me saying things like that felt like I was trying to teach her something

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who
    Gotcha. I figured that most people going that route are essentially moving on and leaving the other person to figure out if they made the right choice or not.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    A big part of me does not want to move on. I want to hear what she is saying and understand her.
    This will hang you in pain for long time. And unfortunately that I am doing the same thing. A big part of me does not want to move on even he treated me bad after my mistake. But by the way reading a lot of advices from people here I think it is right that when people want to break up a relationship means they want to live their life without us. We should respect it and move on in our life. After we are well recovered and heal and we still love them, we can try again with a new thing. closed the old thing totally and start with the new thing. I am trying to move on and heal first and trying to not keep any false hope on he will come back to me. I know it is so hard to handle our mind to not think of them but we have to do it. There is no other way.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I find it interesting that you think being insecure is no big deal.

    It seems to me, from what you wrote, you spend a great deal of time trying to manage these feelings and it impacts all your relationships and that stems from insecurity.

    It even impacts your interactions here on this forum. I obviously like this forum, so I'm not putting the advice down by any means.... but this is an anonymous forum. No one understands you or your situation fully. You get a lot of judgement, everyone does. Why do you have to explain?

    Because you're not secure enough in your own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Based on their own merit of simply being yours. They don't need to be "right or wrong"

    If you want to work it out with this woman, then there ya go. That's the answer.

    I think it would be worth it to get your mind around causes of your insecurities, focus on healing those and accepting yourself for who you are. When you reach that point, you'll be able to let go out managing others so much. It will also help raise a well adjusted cuts and break that cycle... Pretty big deals actually.

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