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Thread: Do you guys believe in radio silence?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I try to understand my role, and I have also done some research on trauma...
    Going to isolate this to (try) to make a point about what I see: six words about trying to understand your role, or at least to see this as a sign of two people who don't quite work, followed by a treatise on trauma that supports a thesis that that—trauma, hers, her—is the culprit.

    It's very demeaning, all that, even if it's not intentional. The implication is that you understand her, her feelings, her reactions, the root of all of them, better than she does. That, combined with the no contact strategizing to bring her back—well, what it kind of reads like? It reads like you isolating what you think is the main issue here (her trauma) and then figuring out a way to "handle" it so you get what you want: her coming back to you, cooled off and ready to frolic.

    Is this a "lump"? I don't mean it that way, truly. But this energy you're spending trying to find the secret to her damage—I just think there's another way. Like, for instance, focusing on your own trauma, those fears of being alone, the tendrils left over from a "failed" marriage, and so on, and how maybe, just maybe, those are some pretty critical ingredients to this whole messy stew—to the hurt she feels—and perhaps things to explore so romance is not so fraught?

  2. #12
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    I'm guessing my comments in your former post were classified as "not so positive ones," but I don't think any of us were trying to say you are a bad person or this is all your fault. When you have difficulty seeing another person's perspective, look for advice from third parties, and then decide on whether those suggestions are positive depending on how well they align with your point of view, you risk reinforcing your own opinion and still not being able to see where she's coming from.


    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I have also done some research on trauma, since that was her main theme for a good chunk of the time I knew her.
    Honestly it sounds more like that's the theme YOU picked for her. I don't know her but from your description she sounds like an adult who's capable of feeling things and making decisions on her own. Maybe with some emotional baggage, poor conflict resolution skills, etc., but most of us have some of those. Nothing I see warrants this kind of special diagnosis and treatment. It would be more beneficial if you spend this time and energy exploring your own inner self and your needs to always assert your "truth" over others.

    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    Trauma victims very quickly backpedal when in complicated situations and start to lash out at their partners... Almost irrationally so, in my opinion... she is very angry and disillusioned with me and our relationship.
    All of this is still you trying to feed yourself the same story, she is a trauma victim and therefore irrational, she is delusional, she doesn't know what's good for her, what she felt and thought were simply not true, she is WRONG and only if you can somehow make her see the light of truth...

    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    In retrospect, other than about one Minor disagreement/argument a month, we were doing really welltogether, and I thought I always treated her with respect and kindness.
    even though my wrong seems mild in the greater scheme of things, and things have been going so well outside of that
    Keep in mind that her side of things could be very different. Whereas you felt things were going great maybe she was holding her disappointment in to not rock the boat. When you thought you treated her with respect and kindness she could have felt not respected or valued all along. Maybe she didn't say anything about that to keep the peace until finally she couldn't take it anymore.

    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    An online relationship expert team
    I hope you are not paying for this "expert team." The best outcome of following their advice and playing their game of "getting your ex back" is a temporary episode of reconciliation built on emotional manipulation. I'm saying this as someone who did get back with an ex more than once... oops

    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    They also say that what partners need when they go into this sort of “flashback“ anxiety, Is not someone who is defensive and tries to explain everything, which is exactly what I did, but someone who will sit with them and tell them that they love them and that they aren’t going anywhere,
    Maybe this will work on some people, but if I'm already frustrated by someone who simply can't listen or understand? And the said person looks into my eyes and says "It's alright, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." LOL, I'd be so pissed. What do you think I am, a scared child throwing a fit to get some attention?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You seem to really love a good fight and chronically seek out conflict, ways to push buttons etc. Were you diagnosed with Oppositional-Defiant disorder (google it) as a kid or bullied? Were your parents abusive or at each other's throats? You learned this from somewhere. You seem to have a knee jerk reaction to be antagonistic, contrary and generally seem to enjoy irritating, goading and hurting people.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D



    still posting detrimental meme directed at me. . . I am not understanding where this very strange behavior is coming from

    my lady friend thinks I did her wrong, even though my wrong seems mild in the greater scheme of things,
    It's just more of the same. Do both of you a favor and let this go.

    You still fail to try to understand how she feels. Even after everything that's happened you are either minimizing her reaction or assigning it to something else. . other than the obvious.

    There is something very impenetrable about your way of thinking and it's reflected here in your posts. While at the same time you seek advise on how to strategize to get her to come crawling back to you.

    Without any change or acknowledgement on your part, you will just do the exact same dance as before. Why go through that again?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    . . and to be honest . . .the whole theory on 'get your ex back by going no contact' is basically an attempt to trigger a sense of abandonment in your target.

    Being denied and abandoned is very painful for some people and to relieve that feeling they return to something that might otherwise be toxic and unhealthy, just in attempt to relieve the discomfort.

    It comes no where close to meaningful change, growth and a new understanding. It's just a repeat of the exact same dysfunctional dynamic.

    That's why the whole get your ex back is an attempt to be manipulative. If she were to return it wouldn't be for the right reason Certainly not one that is indicative of sustaining a mutually healthy relationship

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    honestly, things should not be this hard.

    all this wasted energy.

    you must be exhausted.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    More developments: I pulled up my big boy pants and called her.
    It's clear you are a smart guy, and so it's in respect to your intelligence that I'm going to go out on a limb and say I don't think you believe that your calling her was actually strutting the catwalk in "big boy pants." I get the appeal of the narrative, of course, as we all want gold stars for being "big boys," but seeking those gold stars as bandaids for hurt is not what big boys do. It is what children do, in school, and even in that world it can get old fast.

    Guess what I'm saying is that if you rub the dust off the lens I think you'll see that you just used "big boy pants" as a synonym for "child's pajamas." Guess what I'm saying is that you are on a surefire road to more of the same drama and despair if you can't get to that dust yourself. Her threshold for choking on it has been reached.

    That's one of those "lumps," I know. But this is me talking to you big boy to big boy, trusting you have it in you to keep the shield down. You are, right now, lonely, sad, frustrated, and obsessed with your pain at a level approaching a modern-day virologist's obsession with covid-19. You are annoyed at what you imagine, probably correctly, are some unsavory thoughts about you residing in her mind. Fine. Human. The thorns big boys and big girls deal with on the regular.

    But reaching out to her so you can get that loneliness and sadness soothed? To see if you can get those "bad" thoughts in her head to become "good" ones, either through some discussion, "or not," which is to say by her coming around to see the world through your lens or just hanging out and being all sorts of sweet? And to do all that while wanting to be seen as "big"?

    Well, suffice to say I can understand her frustrations.

    Something to give some very serious thought to: If you want a romantic partner who will be a "girl" and a "lady," while also supplying you with regular, high doses of "that's a good boy" maternal juju—a big ask, of course—you'd maybe find a more copacetic vibe with someone who you believe, in your marrow, is about 100 times the person you are, not a traumatized fraction of yourself.

    Lastly, a book suggestion I think you'd find illuminating: "Men Explain Things To Me," by Rebecca Solnit. Could say plenty about it, but Solnit says it all, much better than I ever could.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    . . and to be honest . . .the whole theory on 'get your ex back by going no contact' is basically an attempt to trigger a sense of abandonment in your target.

    Being denied and abandoned is very painful for some people and to relieve that feeling they return to something that might otherwise be toxic and unhealthy, just in attempt to relieve the discomfort.

    It comes no where close to meaningful change, growth and a new understanding. It's just a repeat of the exact same dysfunctional dynamic.

    That's why the whole get your ex back is an attempt to be manipulative. If she were to return it wouldn't be for the right reason Certainly not one that is indicative of sustaining a mutually healthy relationship
    I don't like the terms "dumper" and "dumpee", but to keep things easy to follow, I'll use them:

    Why is it manipulative for a dumpee that doesn't want the relationship to end to leave the dumper alone after a breakup? If the dumper feels abandoned after losing somebody that they pushed out of their life, then that is on them to figure out. They requested that the dumpee leave, and the dumpee in this case is respecting that request.

    Another way to look at is that the relationship needs to end, the person requesting the end needs space, and the best thing for the other person to do is to work on themselves, rebuild their happiness and self-esteem, and let the person that ended the relationship to decide for themselves if they would like to speak again in the future.

    After a breakup, it's probably in the best interest of both parties to take time apart and to focus on themselves. If they both miss each other enough, then perhaps they reconcile. That's a pretty healthy way to handle the situation for both parties.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by motm
    I don't like the terms "dumper" and "dumpee", but to keep things easy to follow, I'll use them:

    Why is it manipulative for a dumpee that doesn't want the relationship to end to leave the dumper alone after a breakup? If the dumper feels abandoned after losing somebody that they pushed out of their life, then that is on them to figure out. They requested that the dumpee leave, and the dumpee in this case is respecting that request.

    Another way to look at is that the relationship needs to end, the person requesting the end needs space, and the best thing for the other person to do is to work on themselves, rebuild their happiness and self-esteem, and let the person that ended the relationship to decide for themselves if they would like to speak again in the future.

    After a breakup, it's probably in the best interest of both parties to take time apart and to focus on themselves. If they both miss each other enough, then perhaps they reconcile. That's a pretty healthy way to handle the situation for both parties.
    It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who
    Exactly.
    If your intention is to respectfully move on that's one thing. But as shown in this example, it's done with an agenda to manipulate a reaction and a desired outcome.

    After all, he used the word 'strategy' several times

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