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Thread: How do I let go?

  1. #1
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    How do I let go?

    Let's start from the beginning. I have a coworker who I became best friends with. We have been coworkers for about 4 years and best friends for about 3. He had a girlfriend the entire time. We talked about everything and anything. Long story short my dad passed away less a than a year ago and when he did my best friend became my rock. We already talked daily but when my dad was sick but when he passed, we practically were inseparable. Keep in mind, during the course of our friendship, he did try to kiss me on multiple occasions or say things he should not say when in a committed relationship. I always pushed away and he would apologize for his behavior the next day and it was always water under the bridge. Well this time, a couple of weeks after my dad died, I initiated a kiss when I was extremely intoxicated. I immediately regretted it and started crying. We talked about in the following day at work and kept going back and forth on if he should tell his gf. He did and she was upset (understandably) but I explained that I was upset and didn't mean anything by it. She told him she didn't want us to be friends anymore which he said he wouldn't do. So she kicked him out of their place and he moved into a friend's house. During the first few months I was drowning my grief in booze and so was he. We made a couple of drunken mistakes but always talked in the morning that we were better off as friends. But he keeps throwing mix signals and I don't understand why. He never know what he wants from me. He told me a couple of times that I was the love of his life and his best friend but we knew we couldn't be together. Call it timing or it just wasn't a good fit but I felt the same way. My problem now is that his ex and him are back together and he is moving back in to their house but he still says stuff to me drunk that I don't understand why he would say to me. It's like he is testing boundaries to see how far he can go but we are supposed to be friends and now I almost feel like a rebound and that hurts. I don't know how to stay friends when he keeps throwing me mix signals. I don't want to lose him but I'm starting to think I have to walk away. How do I let go of a best friend who possibly took advantage of me while I was grieving. How do I get passed it? Do I stop being friends altogether? If so, how do Iet go of someone who is a huge part of my support system?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    A person in a committed relationship should NEVER be a part of your support system. You block him on everything and start looking for a new job.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You cant be friends with this guy. Boundaries were crossed and should not be crossed again. Getting a new job is a reasonable solution tho may be very hard given the pandemic right now. So keep your distance, dont get drawn in again. Also, dont drink so much.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A taken person with whom you also have chemistry with is the person you should never allow yourself to get close to. You had an emotional affair with a co-worker. He isn't a good bf to his current gf nor would he ever be a good bf to you. You both crossed boundaries, and two unethical people will never have a successful relationship. If you don't make wise decisions when you're drunk, then don't get drunk.

    Learn from your mistakes, moving forward, and start treating him like any other co-worker. Pleasant but no longer friends and no longer any social media contact. All discussions need to be about work only. Apply for other jobs if that's a reasonable thing for your career.

    Male/femaie close friendships usually have a short shelf life, because most partners don't like their bf or gf having a bestie of the opposite sex. I know I wouldn't date a guy who had that situation, even if she had a hatchet face, since for me it's not about not trusting. It's just something I'm not comfortable with. If you choose this route in life, you will have a smaller pool of men to choose from in the dating pool. If it's a bf you want, stop pouring all your emotional energy into a deadend whose just not that into you, and even if he was, he doesn't seem to have the capability of being faithful. People's ethics rarely change.

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  6. #5
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    Get a new job and end all contact with this guy.

  7. #6
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    If they like you, you will know. If they don't, they will have you confused.

    First thing, he is not your best friend. He might of been there thru a tough time but he is not your best friend. He wanted to get you and eventually he did. Now that he has a chance to be with you, he balks at the idea. So get that out of the way now.
    Second thing. You can not be friends with him as long as you have feelings for him. Sounds like you are waving the flag of "friendship" as a way to keep yourself in his circle. So no, you cant be friends with him as long as you want him.
    Third thing. You never had him and he was never yours to lose. You asked how can you somehow do this without "losing" him. Sorry, but he was never yours to begin with. He had his chance to be with you and he went back to the other girl. In a harsh reality check. You were not even his second choice.

    Sometimes you just have to let people go, its not what you want to hear but its what you should do right now. Im not saying he has to leave your life forever, just for now. The feelings of wanting him have to go away before you can be his friend. So be honest with yourself and admit you have feelings for him. And that's okay to admit, but not ok to fake being a friend.

    We learn from out mistakes and we should grow from them. Its alright if he never comes back into your life and you will be a better person for what happened. So I would say, let him go. Let him lead his own life with this girl and you just go on your own path. Work on you and make you happy then let life handle the rest. You will be okay...I promise

  8. #7
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Well to be honest whatever was between you both it was more than just friendship, both of you craved for physical intimacy but both were half in half out.
    Unfortunately he was in a relationship now out of it he is broken, you lost your dad. Sorry for your loss try to grieve with your family.
    Let him go he will need lot of time and space to straighten things up in his life.
    Both of you crossed boundaries in friendship.
    Cut contact with him, if you want to let him know please do so and be single for a while.
    Dont get close to people who are taken or commited to somebody else, be honest about the situation.and back off respectfully

  9. #8
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    You can't remain friends with him anymore, OP.

    He doesn't want a relationship with you, but he likes the extra attention and affection you provide him on the side. This isn't healthy for you, and you're seeing he never serious intentions with you.

    For your own good, you have to end the friendship. He's a sleeze.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    But he keeps throwing mix signals and I don't understand why. He never know what he wants from me. He told me a couple of times that I was the love of his life and his best friend
    He's probably been telling his girlfriend the exact same thing since they first met. Why do you think she stays with him, because she likes the cheating? No, she likes the ego boost he gives her, and the gauntlet she needs to run to get it. You're falling into the same trap. Stop competing for this loser.

    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    I don't want to lose him but I'm starting to think I have to walk away.
    Yes.

    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    How do I let go of a best friend who possibly took advantage of me while I was grieving.
    Step One: Recognize this for what it was.

    This wasn't a friendship. He wasn't a "best friend." This was an opportunistic relationship.

    You're just abusing yourself by naming it wrong and giving it more value than it deserves.

    A "best friend" is an actual friend. Friends don't dck each other around. If you're in a relationship with someone who is dcking you around, you are not in a friendship. Period.

    If you've never had an actual friend before, now is a great time to start preparing for some.

    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    Do I stop being friends altogether?
    Yes. This was a phony friendship based on opportunity. No major loss, really.

    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    If so, how do Iet go of someone who is a huge part of my support system?
    Step Two: Choose real friends.

    He wasn't a true support, he was just there because he wanted something from you. You were alone the whole time.

    He's just dead weight, and you will feel much better once you cut him loose completely. But it will take time.

    Good luck.

  11. #10
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    Thank you! I have tried letting him go multiple times. When I do he blows my phone up and if I don't answer, he approaches me at work when I try to put space between us. I get what you are saying and in most ways you are absolutely right, but it is not just me who can't let this friendship go. I may eventually forgive and come back to be his friend but everything I give him an opportunity for a clean break without me, he doesn't take it. He blows my phone up and wants to talk in person. Either way I hope I figure this out because we still work for the same company.

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