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Thread: How do I let go?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    He is back with his gf and in the process of moving back in, he just still wants to be best friends. I understand what everyone is saying. I'm just hurt and going through the motions. Trying to learn from my mistakes and let go of someone who I thought truly cared about me and our friendship.
    I his girlfriend ok with you two being best friends?

  2. #22
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    That is what he said. She just is keeping him on a shorter leash.

  3. #23
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    If I'm being honest, I don't know how to let go of all the emotions I have about the whole situation. It is like I want him to leave me alone so I can move on but then when he does I get angry like he never cared enough about me and that is why he was able to let me go. Don't get me wrong, I know I was wrong for my part in this. I have admitted my part to him and his gf. I just don't understand how he could do that to two people he claims to care about. After each time I pushed him away and told him neither of us were ready, he kept pushing to me that he was. I feel cut open and taken advantage of when I was already in a vulnerable state. I dont know how to let go of that anger and resentment. How does he get to do that to me and her and get away with toying with both of us. It isn't fair. I would never tell her anything of what he has said to me while they were apart. Bc I would be doing it to hurt him when in reality I would just hurt her and I dont want to do that. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know i have made mistakes during this but I just was blinded and had rose colored glasses on. It is clear now that no matter what he says to me from now on, he made a choice to lead me on and instead of being half of a decent human being, he chose to drag me down in his confusion which isn't fair. I'm sorry to ramble. This is my first time on one of these things but I just needed to get it out.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He could and can do it because he doesn't actually care about either one you, he only cares about himself and his own comforts and conveniences. Sadly, you got fooled and yes, that should make you feel angry. However, use that anger as fuel to get away from this creep instead of staying stuck.

    I rather feel sorry for his gf. She is buying his bs and taking him back and yet, here he is....bs'ing away and setting you up for cheating some more. At least you know the truth about this creep, as much as it burns. Knowing the truth, you have the absolute ability to move on, get away. Being duped is never fun. The idea is that once duped, you don't get duped again. Block him on all private contact and at work, stay rigidly professional - only strictly necessary work talk and otherwise avoid him like the plague. This guy is not a prize, he is a floating turd in a toilet bowl. Do not reach in and pull it out.......it stinks.......always......

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  6. #25
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    Thank you! I have been really short with my responses to his texts but he has been asking if everything is okay and I have been short and have just been texting back yes. He is going to eventually call me and I dont know how to respond. I don't want to escalate the situation bc we are coworkers. I was hoping that he would eventually get the picture and just kind of fade away in the aspect of friends. I hope once he is moved back in with his gf he will give me more space.

    I guess my question now is what do you do you do with the anger and hurt? I want him to feel the pain that I feel. I want his relationship to work out and not because I want him but bc I want him to feel the emotional turmoil he caused me. And I know that isnt right and I know in order to move on I have to learn to forgive so I can put it past me but I want to know if anyone has ever been through anything similar, how did you get past the pain and anger? My feelings for him change every day. Some days I want to send a novel to him telling him how much of a piece of he is and the next day I remember how much he has been there for me and maybe it is just me and my emotional roller coaster of grief that makes me go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

    I have also been seeing a therapist for my grief and it really helps but I feel like it lasts for a bit and then I get tight back to the feelings of anger and resentment.

    Any advice would be great (especially if you have been in a similar situation). Thank you!!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Voice mail. Report him to HR for sexual harassment . You risk losing your job playing this game with him. He's not your friend. He's a cheating drunk.
    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    He is going to eventually call me and I dont know how to respond.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    Thank you! I have been really short with my responses to his texts but he has been asking if everything is okay and I have been short and have just been texting back yes. He is going to eventually call me and I dont know how to respond. I don't want to escalate the situation bc we are coworkers. I was hoping that he would eventually get the picture and just kind of fade away in the aspect of friends. I hope once he is moved back in with his gf he will give me more space.

    I guess my question now is what do you do you do with the anger and hurt? I want him to feel the pain that I feel. I want his relationship to work out and not because I want him but bc I want him to feel the emotional turmoil he caused me. And I know that isnt right and I know in order to move on I have to learn to forgive so I can put it past me but I want to know if anyone has ever been through anything similar, how did you get past the pain and anger? My feelings for him change every day. Some days I want to send a novel to him telling him how much of a piece of he is and the next day I remember how much he has been there for me and maybe it is just me and my emotional roller coaster of grief that makes me go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

    I have also been seeing a therapist for my grief and it really helps but I feel like it lasts for a bit and then I get tight back to the feelings of anger and resentment.

    Any advice would be great (especially if you have been in a similar situation). Thank you!!
    First is stop responding to him completely. You think you are being short and hope he'll get the hint, but in his mind, you are responding, therefore you are still weak and vulnerable, can be used some more, can be duped again. Every single response, even a negative one from you is still an open door in his warped head. So cut him off completely.

    Second is whatever anger you are feeling, do write it out. It actually helps to release a lot of pent up feelings and negative emotions. Only thing is that you never send it. Write it out because "saying it all" will make you feel better, it's a cathartic exercise for you and your well being, but it should never be for anyone else's eyes or ears. Once done, delete it.

    Third is wanting him both to feel the pain and also to make your pain less is normal...but also an exercise in futility. It's like expecting the guy who robbed you to feel bad about it and bring back your stolen stuff. You know it's not going to happen. The robber meant to rob you and is not going to feel bad about it or return your stuff. He certainly won't show up on your doorstep and give you a big "there there sorry about the stuff I stole, you'll be OK" hug. So, what you do is allow yourself to feel the anger because you were wronged, but you also start working on forgiving yourself - for leaving the door unlocked. It happened and you move forward knowing you won't make that mistake again. That means you stop calling an enemy your friend. He never was.

    Fourth is what's been said already and most painful - accepting that he was never your friend, never really there for you. He saw you as vulnerable prey and took full advantage. A wolf in sheep's clothing. Sure he pretense felt real and might well have helped you, but you don't owe him anything for that.

    Finally, it's great that you are getting grief counseling. Please keep working away at that. Other than that, when these angry thoughts start to overwhelm you or even just when you find yourself thinking about him too much, literally get up and do something else. Start to force your mind away from that topic. Not easy, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Time helps, but moving on from bad things requires some willful effort as well. Sometimes you literally have to tell yourself "I'm going to think about something else." and force yourself to do so, so that you don't get stuck in the negative cycle forever.

    In fact, make a list of things to do that make you happy or that you enjoy and if nothing comes to mind, that itself is a good exercise. Shifting your brain from focusing on pain to trying to sort out what would be positive. Forget big things, think small every day kind of things. Like a good cup of coffee early in the morning kind of small stuff. Organized that drawer I've been meaning to for ages and now feel that small pang of satisfaction. It may seem trivial, but these small things do really add up to helping to get to that sense of well being and peace with yourself, in your own skin, in your environment.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    I just don't understand how he could do that to two people he claims to care about.
    You will never understand. He's a totally different creature than you are. He takes without giving.

    Think of him as a parasite. There are a lot of people like him out there. Best thing to do with them is swat them away like you would a mosquito.

    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    Any advice would be great (especially if you have been in a similar situation). Thank you!!
    I agree with what DancingFool has written. It's a process, and it's going to take some time to get through it. But you will. One day, you'll look back on this without any pain.

  10. #29
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    Okay, if I do cut him off completely and not respond or block him on social media. It will be obvious to our coworkers and to him that something is wrong. I have been playing nice for awhile now. He is going to think it came out of nowhere. Do I explain myself on why I am cutting all contact or just block him on everything. We work together and although right now with the pandemic I can rely on not seeing him, we will eventually come face to face to each other and that gives me anxiety in itself! I want him to know I mean business this time bc I have always forgiven him in the past and have always tried doing no contact but eventually after a few days, I forgive him after I cave bc he sends me long text apologies. Pathetic I know. I just really cared for this guy and I was manipulated into thinking he cared about me too. I just hate how he keeps pushing us to be friends when I know us not talking at all would help his relationship. But for whatever reason anytime I say i don't want to be friends anymore he responds with all this i don't want to lose you and you are best friend nonsense. Like I said, me cutting all contact with him won't surprise him until I do it for a longer period of time bc he knows that if history repeats himself, I will eventually come around.

    I just don't want this to roll into work. We all are friends and super close. They will notice of we all of a sudden aren't talking anymore. And I know it isn't their business but I don't want to have it be a thing at work where people talk about it or wonder what happened.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kjl3n14
    Okay, if I do cut him off completely and not respond or block him on social media. It will be obvious to our coworkers and to him that something is wrong. I have been playing nice for awhile now. He is going to think it came out of nowhere. Do I explain myself on why I am cutting all contact or just block him on everything. We work together and although right now with the pandemic I can rely on not seeing him, we will eventually come face to face to each other and that gives me anxiety in itself! I want him to know I mean business this time bc I have always forgiven him in the past and have always tried doing no contact but eventually after a few days, I forgive him after I cave bc he sends me long text apologies. Pathetic I know. I just really cared for this guy and I was manipulated into thinking he cared about me too. I just hate how he keeps pushing us to be friends when I know us not talking at all would help his relationship. But for whatever reason anytime I say i don't want to be friends anymore he responds with all this i don't want to lose you and you are best friend nonsense. Like I said, me cutting all contact with him won't surprise him until I do it for a longer period of time bc he knows that if history repeats himself, I will eventually come around.

    I just don't want this to roll into work. We all are friends and super close. They will notice of we all of a sudden aren't talking anymore. And I know it isn't their business but I don't want to have it be a thing at work where people talk about it or wonder what happened.
    Tell him this is no longer working for you and that you will be blocking him because it's in your best interest to help you deal with issues in your life. A version of it's not you it's me. Then actually do block him so you aren't being manipulated back into things like in the past. He knows he can, so he will try. You will need to stand your ground here.

    As for work friends....I mean....people aren't really that stupid. They probably know or suspect there was more than friendship going on, they also probably know he is a cheater. You cutting him off might get more private support than you realize. That said, be careful about putting a lot of stock into work friends as people tend to put on a smile and pretend a lot while not sharing what they really think about the situation. You are all stuck working together after all. If you think people will ask what happened, you can always come up with some neutral response as well along the lines of need to focus on other things in life.

    You really need to work hard on developing genuine friendships outside of work once this virus situation is over. Work friendships can be treacherous.

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