We trigger each other all the time - I need some perspective.

So sorry for the length but this is complicated .. Please, if you can, take the time to read! We both lived through different levels of trauma, I would place us both somewhere on the HSP scale (highly sensitive person). I'd love some input especially from folks who resonate with that/live in relationships with HSP and or trauma.

So, to the story:

I know her (F,36) for 1,5 years, we share a hobby and so have seen eachother in a group setting once a week for most of that time. About 3 months ago, we got closer. Quite unexpectedly, but ever since then there was a really strong connection. Amazing sex, deeply looking into each others eyes, butterflies, all of that. We also share a lot of common interests, a similar vision for the world and many other things.

Some words about us:

I (M,29) have had my difficulties getting close with women - I've had sex for the first time at 23 and only had two relationships that lasted half a year each. Two years ago I started therapy for some childhood trauma (basically my mom was unavailable due to her own mental health issues. Not capital T Trauma, but it still has a big impact on me). It really helped me connect more to my feelings and needs and made me realize I would like to try and open up to a real relationship. I can be forgetful (I was a pothead when I was younger) and tend to be more with other people's feelings then with my own. I work in a job of 32 hours.

She grew up with a very difficult mother and no father. Her last relationship was quite abusive, she got cheated on and still has trust issues from that. She also is quite emotional and has a hard time letting go of emotions. When she gets angry, she usually is angry for a while. Same when she's upset or sad. Because I so deeply care for her, I can get overwhelmed from these emotions and lose touch with my own feelings. She is currently unemployed.

We're both in therapy.

So we had this amazing connection from the start, that lasted about 6 weeks. It felt really precious, like a flower starting to slowly bloom. Then, the decision of going abroad (for an amazing opportunity) or not was looming over me for over a month, and she felt it. She was quite sad about, and we were fighting about it several times. She made it clear that she wanted to be with me but my uncertainty tested her. I was trying to be there, comforting and telling her and showing her how important she is to me, but also struggling myself with the situation.

It was quite an agonizing decision making process, at one point I was quite sure that I wanted to leave, also because I felt overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions it brought up in her .. but ultimately, I decided for her. My heart quite clearly told me: "Dude, stay. She's amazing". I think I love her, but have also been scared to say it like this.

My decision for her/us came a week ago. Once I made the decision, it felt wholy mine: I really want this. I was hoping that we would stop fighting and could start enjoying ourselves more. I was looking forward to spend more lighthearted moments with her. And yes, we have shared some really beautiful moments since then. But we still fight, and I feel like we are triggering each more and more. Combined with her insecurities and not being able to let things go, this has been really f***ing exhausting.

The corona-situation is not helping, since we cope slightly differently with the situation (she doesn't feel comfortable sharing a room with one of my flatmates or their partner, for example).

Some example of fights:

Some weeks ago, I invited her to my place but forgot to tell her that I wanted to prepare dinner with my flatmates. When we arrived at my place she felt (understandably) angry that I hadn't consulted her before. I wanted to just eat in my room, but she felt really uncomfortable with that. I saw my mistake and apologized and told her (and really felt) I'm sorry for putting her in such a situation. She was so angry she didn't sleep much. We had planned a bike trip the next day, but because she didn't sleep much and she insisted we drive to her place to have breakfast, we had to change plans. She was pissed for first half of the next day until she could let it go.

Another one:

Just this friday, I was having an emotional moment and felt angry all of a sudden. I didn't really understand it myself and felt stuck so I wanted to try and journal it out. I asked her for a pen and a piece of paper, but she somehow didn't move quick enough for my agitated state so I just went ahead to her desk to grab one. Apparently this triggered something in her, because now she was really pissed. I later found out it was about feeling invaded in her privacy and "how she does things", e.g get a pen. I then tried to calm her down, but again she couldn't let it go and was angry and sad for hours, until late in the night, and had trouble sleeping again. I also felt robbed of a moment of expressing my own feelings and being listened to, because she didn't have the capacity then for it.

And the most recent one, that feels quite big to me:

I "officially" asked her this weekend to be my girlfriend, even though it was quite clear before. We went on a bike trip again and had a really nice day in nature in the sun. After we came home and went to bed, we were making out, I was getting hard, all good. Until I went soft - performance anxiety. I've had that in the past, this time I guess it was related to our fight from friday and still feeling a big heavy about that. She said it was ok for her, she said don't worry etc and we fell asleep. But the next morning, it happened again (also because I was stressing out about it happening) - and she got quite upset. She said she wanted to feel close to me and also celebrate, and then also complained that our sex life hasn't been like in the start, that she wants to be romantic etc. Of course I also want that!

But to me it's quite clear why we have had issues in the bedroom in the past weeks, because of this hard decision making process and then also our issues popping up - of course that means we aren't making love 5 times a night right now. But she felt like "maybe it will never be like this again" and she feels like I don't want her etc etc.

I think that if she could let go of her expectation of how things should be we could move through this together. But she doesn't feel like we have the stability yet, she can't hold it herself. We're both exhaused by this. And now proposed we take some time apart to let things settle a bit.

We've spoken about this a lot too, but often she gets quite emotional and is just .. stuck with it and gets super negative and can't see the nice things about us anymore. And then I feel like I am stuck with it too.

What do you all think? Could it just be that her insecurities are on overdrive from my 1 month decision making process, and now she's super sensitive? I feel like fighting for her but I'm also confused..

TL;DR: We just got together after a rough start, there is love, but we also trigger each other, a lot. Recently it got worse and now our energies are quite drained. We want to be together, but I feel she's starting to doubt whether the fighing and the issues that come up are worth it. What can I do?

It sounds like you just don't get along. It is still very new (just a few months) and once the initial excitement wears off your personalities start to clash. You could both be amazing people but not a good match for each other. I would not chalk everything up to "her insecurities."

"Trigger each other" simply means you are not compatible. Age, temperament, future, expectations, etc. The initial sex thrill has worn off and now you are seeing the rough edges.

I know her (F,36)I (M,29) About 3 months ago, we got closer.

So we had this amazing connection from the start, that lasted about 6 weeks.

You are being a jerk to her. If someone is invited over for dinner, it does not mean you making dinner with roommates and eating in your room. You did not make her feel special/that it was a date -- you made it seem like she was intruding on your plans. and who says "get me a pen?" If you are with someone and feel angry, excuse yourself and go have a good scream or say "you know, i feel like i need to write some stuff that is in my head down. Do you have a pen that i can borrow?"

I really think that if you are "in therapy" you should not be dating. If you are so "triggered" all the time, you need to stop and date when you can be conscious of things and people's feelings outside of your head. No, i don't think she should date, either, but you can only control you