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Thread: Triggered during better days.

  1. #1
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    Triggered during better days.

    Hi lovely people! :)


    Today I went to see my family (grandmother and uncle) after 4 months of not seeing them. Because my grandmother is in a instituation they arranged a five minute talk on a high worker, because I can't come too close.
    They only thing my grandmother told me, was how skinny I looked since the last time she saw me. My uncle agreed and said it was the first thing he noticed about me as well.
    Unfortunately due to little time and nurses interfering, I didnt had the chance to talk with her more.
    It left my feeling with a bad gut feeling, still in this moment.

    Since I was young I've always been called "too skinny" or people asking me if I did eat enough. Actually even multiple times while I was eating junkfood.
    I never cared about what I ate and I know I eat more then most people. Since I have a quick digestion I don't gain any weight. I am not underweight.

    I've been going to a rough time in multiple areas, which made me think in a negative way about my situation and myself. But I notice a difference since some months. I started to work out, meet a lot of new people (before Corona times), hike every day in nature, journal, meditate and make more choices in the benefit of me (while of course still caring for the other person, but not forgetting what's best for me) and talking to a therapist. My thoughts are more positive then ever, and I can say that I have more good days then bad days in a week. Still there's some anxiety in some days, or fear to go back to this dark place I'd rather not visit again. But I'm proud of the improvement I made.
    I have struggled with a bad imagine about my looks. Working out helps me to feel better about myself, just as eating more healthy.

    But today when my uncle and grandmother told me how skinny I look (in my country we have a word for being skinny in a negative way, they mentioned this word), I feel down. It's like the positive work is being reset at the moment. Being skinny is something I don't have control over and when they mentioned this is makes me feel insecure. I notice that again I'm paying more attention to my body, but in a negative way.
    Surely they don't mean no harm, but being called skinny for many times in your life does something to the mind. I like my body, but because of these comments I'm getting doubt. There must be there's a truth to it, why else would it be the only thing they say to me? It hurts, because I actually had the feeling I'm looking better and was positive about my body. I remember when I looked in the mirror yesterday I felt really confident about my looks. One year ago this wouldn't have happened.

    So the rest of the day I feel like before, a bad day. I feel insecure, triggered and emotional. The nurses came to talk with me afterwards and I was so emotional to say anything. When I told my brother he told me that it's just my insecurity, that it's just something I have and I shouldn't worry too much. Which didn't make me feel any better.

    I guess the thing I'm trying to say is that sometimes I get triggered by reactions of others (which is normal). But I find it hard to give it a place and when this happens, and I become silent and a bit anxious, there's a feeling and thought coming up that is asking me if this feeling is gonna stay. I want to show people the version of me that I have become in the last months: More confident and easy going. But I felt like the old me today, anxious and insecure. I think feeling like this again scares me. I'm afraid it will stay again.

    I wonder if you guys experienced something like this as well in the healing process: A fear of staying stuck in old habits you're trying to overcome. How did you deal with this and did you manage to change it in a better way?
    Also: Is there anyone who has been called "too skinny" or "too fat' as well before? How do you deal with this situations and your own body image?

    Any tips would help.


    Thank you for making the effort to read this! x

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You have to decide for yourself if you're too skinny. What does that even mean? Are you emaciated looking? Do you look like you've just been let out of a concentration camp? I doubt that. My guess is that you're lean, and people interpret that as being underweight. Does your weight affect any area of your life? If not, then you need to practice not letting other people's judgments affect you.

    When they say something about your weight, just say to yourself that they misunderstand what a healthy body looks and feels like and excuse them and move on. It will take practice.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I can certainly relate—as can, I think, most of us. As I see it, for whatever it's worth? Our truest self tends to exist somewhere between "confident" and "insecure," a place where strengths and fragilities commingle, always, to add up to the thing that is us.

    Putting that less abstractly? I get the impression that you've spent some time getting cozy and intimate with your insecure self: therapy, meditation, exercise, and so on. These were steps taken to confront that part of you, and in that confrontation you found greater access to the "confident" side. Which, hey, felt good, because it certainly feels a lot better to go through the days feeling sturdy and nimble than edgy.

    But to expect that "confidence" to be airtight, to be the "new" you? Doesn't work that way. It's not a shield, or mask, or one husk replacing another. Life is challenging and things get in—"triggers"—and when they do there is static, disruption, a "slipping" down a few notices from the state of pure confidence. It's okay, in short. Acknowledge it as okay—meaning that this moment is okay, and these feelings are okay—and you re-inhabit the full spectrum of yourself, the you that runs the gamut from insecure to confident, rather than needing the confident side to squelch the insecure side, so peace and stability comes in the middle, not only in the extreme. That, I think, starts fostering a greater level of confidence—the sort that comes from self acceptance, which is the forever path, and never a straight line.

    Make any sense?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My mother took every opportunity she had to tell me I was fat, chubby, tubby etc. from the time I was a little kid. As an adult it's not like I dont know I am heavier than the average person but at the same time I am far from huge. She insulted me far too many times to count. Mother was lucky to be naturally thin, she ate what she wanted. Her sisters were the same. I took after my dad's family who were heavier than her family.

    I learned to tune her out, I cant control her anymore than you can control what your relatives say about you. Some people just have no filter. You have to develop a thick skin to tune them out.

    As a kid I hated my mother for her comments as they were very hurtful and unnecessary. We never did have a good relationship and her crappy comments were part of why it was that way.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Always consider the source. Always tune out anything but constructive criticism. She may have been poor growing up where being thin was undesirable. In some cases it's cultural. Eat! Eat! etc.
    Originally Posted by JoyceVib
    my grandmother is in a instituation. my grandmother told me, was how skinny I looked since the last time she saw me.

  7. #6
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    My guy is a natural slim person. And he ones it. He got teased when he was in middle school about it. Its an asset now, where all of his friends who were considered an ideal physique way back then are now obese have health issues, etc. So I suggest if you are naturally a smaller framed, slender person, you start to own it.

    The people may not mean ill of you - it would normally roll off of other people's backs...next time say 'thank you, i have not been eating junk food and am running three times a week,

    On the other hand, if you are not just naturally thin and you have eyes look sunken, your skin doesn't snap back when you pinch it because you are so dehydrated because you are starving yourself - then you need to get help from a doctor and dietician. Maybe their comments are meant as concern

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry this happened to you.

    People will always say something snide to you in order to feel superior. This is human nature and called "misery loves company." Or, at their best, they'll give you a backhanded compliment. I too have been on the receiving end of these cynical comments. I wouldn't be human if I told you that it didn't bother me because it did for YEARS.

    Then I changed the way I thought. Secure people guard their words very carefully and think before they speak and write. Some people impulsively say whatever they wish because it's a true reflection of their very unkind, insecure minds.

    You have to learn to ignore them and consider the source. Or, greatly limit all contact with them since whenever they communicate with you, their comments are unkind. Enforce boundaries with people.

    As for your health, continue to concentrate on exercise and eating well. Your self confidence will soar and you will no longer care about what others think nor say.

    Surround yourself with mentally healthy, empathetic people. Develop boundaries with questionable characters and / or avoid them as much as possible. This is what I do. Either behave like a decent human being or I'm out.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    ***** Surround yourself with mentally healthy, empathetic people. Develop boundaries with questionable characters and / or avoid them as much as possible. This is what I do. Either behave like a decent human being or I'm out. *****

    The best sentences here!


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