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Thread: Iíve made a huge mistake

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Now do not sleep in the same room or act as a couple who just had a bad fight. Can you afford this place on your own?
    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    said he would move out if I want him to but he needs to time to find somewhere.

    He has told me he wants to try to work things out and is acting a lot nicer. Iíve made friends/family aware if the situation and he knows they are. If anything escalates Iíll involve the police if I have to.

  2. #22
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    My only concern is that you told him that he needs to improve or move out. That's not a definite decision. You're leaving the door open for him to improve just enough to keep from getting kicked up.

    I think you need to tell him that his moving out is non-negotiable.

  3. #23
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    Many abusive relationships start out as whirlwind romances because the abuser does not respect the boundaries of others.

  4. #24
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    Harriet, I hope you don't lose sight of how manipulative and unstable this man is. He's threatening to sue you in one breath and then promising to be nicer in another. He's 'nice' when he thinks it will get him something he wants, but when things aren't going the way he wants, he shows you his really nasty side. So believe that is who he really is and that the niceness is only apparent when he is 100% getting his way. A man who criticizes how you open a box of cereal and puts you down and threatens to sue you is not a nice person at all.

    I think since your fights have already escalated into scary territory, you really should just try to avoid any discussion of the breakup until you are in a position to do something about it. He's nice for now because he thinks he'll manipulate you into forgetting about it. That will change if you continue to discuss it while the stay home orders are in place. The best attitude to take with him is to treat him like a co-worker you don't particularly like but must tolerate at work. You know you can't be provoked into explosive fights with co-workers because you'd get fired from your job, so approach this the same way, that those fights are damaging for you and will make things worse, so no matter how annoying he is, you can't fight with him.

    If you feel yourself getting angry, take a few breaths and go into another room. Just refuse to fight with him. If he tries to start up, just have a stock answer like, 'being trapped in a flat is a difficult time for all of us. Let's not fight. I'm going in the other room so we can calm down and have some space.'

    And please please please don't keep having sex with him. You've seen how nasty he can be, and sharing a child with someone like this is worse than you know. If you're anxious about losing your window to have a child, you're better off getting a sperm donor who signs away parental rights than linking yourself to someone like this who threatens to sue at the drop of a hat. You could end up spending all your money on custody battles and lawyers and would be turning over a child to a man who is a jerk and does not have control of his temper. Your child will end up as wild and badly behaved as the one he's got now, and he could start criticizing and belittling the child the same way he does you.

    I think you need to be very careful if you are trying to rush into things with men because you want a child. Waiting 6 months to date again wasn't the problem, but moving in with someone after only a couple months was. It's not how long between partners that's the problem, it's how serious you get with them too quickly. People can hide who they are during a honeymoon period at the beginning, and he certainly did.

    Maybe you were just overcome with the desire for a child and that clouded your judgment. I fully understand that, but remember that the goal is a happy child and a good relationship with the father of your child, not just any relationship to get a child. You can have a child on your own via sperm donor if need be, and believe me (and women who've had children with bad men), that it's better to be on your own with your child than to be tangled up with the wrong man as your child's father.

    So lesson learned here. Date a lot of men looking for the right man, but don't move in and tangle yourself up financially with one until you've spent a year or more with them to get know who they really are in all circumstances, not just that early excited phase when he's on his best behavior to attract you.

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  6. #25
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    [QUOTE=HarrietB;7216633]I have made it clear that I am not happy and things need to improve or else he will need to move out. /QUOTE]

    This is a mistake.

    You need to just be done with this. He has demonstrated that he's very good at manipulating you and bulldozing you to get what he wants. Asking him to improve? You're signing up for more of the same. He'll play nice for a bit, until he knows you've let you guard down again. And then he'll continue to be the person he is: a jerk.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So a pat on the wrist and more empty threats until next time? Why complain about his abuse and his unruly son then? So you are hoping to have kids with him because of your age?

    By allowing this you are condoning it and therefore he now knows he's free and clear to continue the verbal abuse...because you allow and condone it.
    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    He has told me he wants to try to work things out and is acting a lot nicer. I have made it clear that I am not happy and things need to improve or else he will need to move out.

  8. #27
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    Where we live no estate agents are open and there has been no flats advertised for a couple of months.

    Double check that. I'm in the UK and they've all re-opened today. As far as I believe, it's nationwide due to the change in the lockdown rules from today.

    things need to improve or else he will need to move out.

    And what the ****?!? I'm in disbelief at this. This is nowhere near a 'lets try to improve things' situation, this is a 'get him out asap' situation. Are your family and friends aware of what's going on?

  9. #28
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    What CFO makes the uncalculated risk of throwing out a couch, and wants to save money by moving in with a stranger right away? Sounds fishy all the way. People like this only progressive get worse - not better. I'd ask him to leave, and have him stay with his family for now until he finds a place for him and his son. He will kiss your butt for now, but hiding his true nasty self.

    Watch Dirty John - he reminds me of the main character.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Please do your homework on this guy.
    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    What CFO makes the uncalculated risk of throwing out a couch, and wants to save money by moving in with a stranger right away? Sounds fishy all the way.

  11. #30
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    I wanted to circle back on this and thank you again for your advice.

    Not long after I posted this. He was made redundant from his job. I made it clear that I couldnít have him living here rent free so he agreed to move back to his parents and spend the weekends with me. For the first couple of weeks he did this and it really helped the situation. He seemed a lot happier not being under so much stress at work and we could spend quality time together.

    However after two weeks he stopped going back to his parents and decided he would start paying me rent again. I agreed he could stay here (stupidly) but we both needed our space and he needed to respect that I was working during the week.

    At first everything was ok and I actually started to think that maybe things could work out. Heís certainly made an effort to change his behaviour and has helped me around the flat while I work. However the past week he has been constantly distracting me during work and starting arguments with me when I ask for space to work on an urgent task. E.g he will say things like you clearly donít want me here, meeting you was the worst thing that has happened to me.. to get a reaction. When I try to talk to him about how Iím feeling he just wonít have a conversation with me, heíll deflect it or change the subject or worse heíll become really spiteful and tell me how he can do so much better than me. Iím starting to think he might be slightly on the spectrum with his lack of communication skills. If I bring him up on something I'm not happy about heíll divert the attention to him e.g. heíll suddenly trip and stub his toe and Iíll hear a cry coming from the other room. Itís just constant attention seeking tactics to the point I have now exploded several timeís and have become quite angry towards him and said I donít want to be with anymore a few timeís. I have also completely withdrawn from any affection. He will then be really nice and loving, which makes me feel awful for being so grumpy.

    It all came to a head today and he announced he is moving out and has moved half his stuff out. I was on conference calls all day while he stomped around moving stuff out. I didnít have the chance or the energy to argue. He then starts to ask for a hug and tells me he loves me and maybe this will do us some good.

    Since leaving he has rung me several times which I ignored as I just want some space. I have since text him and told him this and he is now acting very cold.

    I just feel exhausted. I donít want to be nasty to him and I truly wanted things to work. I said to him if we hadnít of moved in so soon things could have been better. His response was no I would have got bored of you and dumped you by now. How childish?

    Well he still has loads of his belongings at mine so itís not quite over yet. I need to stay strong and not let him manipulate me. Iíve paid him for the washing machine and anything else he claimed I owed him so he canít hold it over my head.

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