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Thread: Iíve made a huge mistake

  1. #11
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    At this point he has no right to your belongings or home.
    But in time he might.

    Why are you paying him half for his washing machine in his name?
    Isnít he paying rent?

    Have you kept a record of his rent payment? Does he pay cash? Or bank transfer?

    Do you actually know if he has booked holidays under your name? Is it transferable?
    2 months ago no one was paying for holidays due to covid?

    As for him giving away a couch, that is on him? How is that worth $5000? If it was he would have sold it and for all you know he did???

    Did you ever visit him at his residence before he moved in?
    Do you know what he paid for rent there?
    Do you know if his lease was up? Or due to be evicted? Did he share with others?

    I think you need to document whatís happening on a daily basis.
    At some point let police know even if not officially putting in a complaint.

    Can you tell him itís not working out living together and that perhaps can try continue the relationship living apart? Lie lie lie at this point until he moves out?

    Covid does not make it hard to find a rental property. There are as many out there as before. No excuse.

  2. #12
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    If it's your property and you have no 'Tenancy Agreement' change the locks he hasn't got a leg to stand. If he kicks off you call the police. As you said he can't afford to jeopardise his custody position with regards to his son!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take photos of everything document everything. Start charging him for damages. Get him out as soon as legally possible, whatever you have to do. Why can't he see his son at the mother's place or other family? Stop having sex if you plan to end things.

    Check court records locally where he lived and his kid's mother lives, does he have evictions, or arrests or restraining orders? Stop quibbling over who paid for what etc. just get him out. Start doing your homework so you can start undoing this colossal mistake.

    Hire some movers to get his stuff out of your place, send the bill to him. Pay him off whatever he paid for or just give it to him. He's not violent ...yet.
    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    I own the flat
    his son caused damage but he has too, heís broken my lamp, two dining room chairs from swaying on them whole working, blinds in the bedroom.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    My advice seems like dťjŗ vu. Is this the same guy?: [Register to see the link]

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    My advice seems like dťjŗ vu. Is this the same guy?: [Register to see the link]
    They apparently reconciled in June.

  7. #16
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    I think you need to approach this from a couple different fronts.

    First, call your local social services or women's shelter and explain the situation. Tell them he is behaving aggressively and threatening to extort money from you (he is), and you are afraid how he will behave if you tell him you need him he needs to find another place and get out.

    If you have a written agreement with him to pay you rent then you're in a bit of a pickle because you can't just change the locks on an official tenant/renter, even if you own the property. So you need to make sure you do this legally. A call to a real estate attorney would help with that.

    Because you think he won't willingly vacate and may trash your place, you need to contact the police to see what your options are. If you can get a judge to award you a restraining order or the right to put him out, then you can request the police be present when you give him the news and change the locks. They will wait while he packs up and gets out.


    Regarding his stuff stored in your loft, the way to handle that is to rent a storage locker for a few months, then have his stuff moved to the locker. Then when you tell him to get out, you can give him the key to the storage and call the storage place and have them transfer the ownership of the storage space to him. He's then responsible to either get his stuff or continue to pay the storage place for more months. Keep your a copy of your storage contract and take pictures of his stuff inside the storage locker to prove that you transferred his stuff to a safe place and didn't deny him access to do what he wanted with it.

    You have the complication of the covid lockdown now. That means that you may need to tolerate him a bit longer until a judge is willing to agree to have him put out. So I would do all in my power right now to de-escalate fights and keep the peace. They are beginning to relax lock down provisions, and as time passes, more restrictions will be lifted, so you may be able to get him out in a couple months. Meanwhile talk to an attorney to learn what steps you need to take to get him out legally. And if you are genuinely afraid of him and the fights escalate before you can do that, then call the police to protect yourself and your property. Don't assume he won't be violent, because he could well turn violent in future if he realizes you'll really put him out.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    They apparently reconciled in June.
    I don't think it's the same person... that BF she said she's been with for 3 years, this one she says she's only known a couple months before moving in. I think she unfortunately rushed into a new relationship with someone else. In future, she needs to really take her time getting to know someone before leaping in with both feet. Some people have trouble with being alone and unfortunately need to learn the hard way that being alone is better than being with the *wrong* person..

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    As appealing as it sounds, there is no better way to set him off then for him and his son to return and find themselves locked out and no where to go.
    Talk to him when things are calm. Don't wait til the next blow up. Give him two weeks or the first of June to find a place to stay.

    Tell your family and friends of your plans. Let him know that you have support on different levels. Let him know that you want to keep things civil but at the same time you can no longer live under the same roof.

    It may be challenging to find another flat, but it's not impossible. He can go stay with family in the meantime if he has to. That's his dilemma to figure out.

    Keep your word with whatever financial agreements you had about sharing the costs of things shared.

    In the end it is your home and there is no reason that you need to live this way.
    Its hard to say how much of threat he is from what you write. Notify the police of what you are about to do if you don't feel safe.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TulipTrees
    I don't think it's the same person... that BF she said she's been with for 3 years, this one she says she's only known a couple months before moving in. I think she unfortunately rushed into a new relationship with someone else. In future, she needs to really take her time getting to know someone before leaping in with both feet. Some people have trouble with being alone and unfortunately need to learn the hard way that being alone is better than being with the *wrong* person..
    That makes sense.

    As you mentioned, rushing in the wrong person is NOT better than being "alone".

  11. #20
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    Thank you all. I do appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

    Itís not the same person I posted about last June. I took a break from relationships for 6/7 months before I met my current boyfriend in December. Itís not that I am unable to be alone, I am 31 and would like to have a family before Iím 35 so I took 6 months for myself and got back out there. I admit I got caught up and moved way too quickly.

    The timeline is that I met him in December and we moved in together in March after he served his notice on his flat. I did visit his flat a lot and I was there when he handed the keys back to his landlord. He is Chief Financial Officer so he is not short of money and very anal when it comes to paying bills etc so definitely doesnít owe any previous landlords money.

    After I posted this morning, we had another argument and I told him I would like him to move out. At first he started threatening that he will sue me for his financial loss and once he realised I was being serious he calmed down and said he would move out if I want him to but he needs to time to find somewhere. Where we live no estate agents are open and there has been no flats advertised for a couple of months.

    He is paying me rent via bank transfer but there is no contract in place. He bought the washing machine on his Very account as we got a discount for purchasing on finance and we split the cost as he is living here also. I would give him the money for thus though.

    I donít want to change the locks while he is out as I think this will cause so many more issues. His family live miles away and there is so much of his stuff at mine, it would take 3 people a couple of hours to clear it all out.

    He has told me he wants to try to work things out and is acting a lot nicer. I am not a fool I know this will only be temporary. I have made it clear that I am not happy and things need to improve or else he will need to move out. I donít believe he is violent, heís always had joint custody of his son. He split up from his sons mother when he was born and has had a few long term girlfriends since. He also has a high powered job and works 12 hours a day even more so during lockdown so I am able to stay out of his way. Iím going to do as a couple of people suggested and tread carefully over the next few weeks and see what happens with lockdown. Once he is able to easily move out and I can ask family members to come over then I will ask him to. Iíve made friends/family aware if the situation and he knows they are. If anything escalates Iíll involve the police if I have to.

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