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Thread: I have never been in so much pain in my life

  1. #1
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    I have never been in so much pain in my life

    Hello,

    I've been on and off these forums for 9 years now. It is where I go when all my other options are gone, and I feel that this is an emotional haven.

    You can find my background on the last post I wrote 5 years ago.

    To cut a long story short: 4 weeks ago my wife asked for a divorce, out of the blue. Why do I say out of the blue after what I wrote 5 years ago? Because things have actually been good between us. We had another child 3 years ago, we don't have arguments, we enjoy moments with each other.

    Since the lock down here in the UK, my wife (39) was sad, down and constantly on her phone. She didn't pay much attention to me (43) or our children (7 and 3). I decided to find little things to cheer her up, like games, made handcrafts with our children to give her, bought her favourite treats, etc.. But nothing, they had no effect.

    4 weeks ago I offered her my support, told her that she can talk to me and that's why I was there. She then asked me: "What if the problem is you?" and my world fell apart. She proceeded to tell me that she never really loved me, that she didn't want to marry, she didn't want my affection or intimacy and that she only did all those things because she felt that it was what she was supposed to do, not what she felt like doing. She told me that she needs those things, but not from me. Those were the hardest words I heard in my life, and I grew with an abbusive father.

    I offered her my understanding, because I was in shock. The only thing I remember being able to do was to keep calm and agree with her for the sake of our children, because I was scared of not being able to see them in the future or being a weekend dad. I asked if what she wanted was a divorce, and she said yes. I asked if there was any hope for us, and she said she didn't have much hope.

    The following day she was happy, very happy. Singing, listening to music, painting her nails, etc.. It was all very surreal to me because I was still in shock. And she was constantly on her phone. I saw her taking photos of her nails and that gave me a gut feeling. 2 days later I did something I never done before: I checked her phone. And it was all there: words that she never told me, being told to her manager at work. I was devastated.

    I told her I found out and I could see the terror in her eyes. It was all out now. Their plan to wait a few months after the divorce to show their relationship, her love feelings for him, the way they talked about me, it was all out. We talked for an hour and she reafirmed that she wants the divorce. I continued calm and cooperative, and I've been like that since then. Didn't raise my voice a single time. Didn't show and angriness or pain.

    I asked her to stop any contact with her lover while she was still living in the house with me and the children. It took her a while to understand my point of view, and she said it wasn't fair because I was asking her to give up the only happiness she was having. I told her that I didn't want to trade her happiness at the expense of mine. She agreed, but then spent a few days in the worst I've seen her since I met her. Constantly crying, asking me for hugs, asking me to sleep in our bed because she was alone. All of that because she couldn't contact the other man. She eventually put herself together and started cheering up. During this time, I continued giving her my support. How daft am I?

    But I started to suffer inside, as soon as the initial shock was gone. The fear and pain were 10 fold more than anything I felt before. My self-esteem was completely gone, I felt like the ugliest and most useless man in the word. I felt like I would never find anyone again, and that would spend the days I didn't have my children with me alone and suffering. I lost 13 Kg (2 stones) and stopped sleeping. All my little remaining energy was used to make sure my children didn't notice anyting and that my relationship with my wife was civil.

    2 weeks ago my wife left, and I started my life alone, when the children aren't with me. The loneliness is unbearable, aggravated by the COVID-19 lock down. I don't have any family in this country and the few friends I have I can't reach them. My only lines of support and my family doctor and the Samaritans. It's with them that I cry when I can't bear anymore.

    I love her so much. She's everything I ever wanted, my passion for her is the same as when the day I met her. And I still have an infinite physical attraction for her. How is this possible, considering what she has done to me and what I wrote 5 years ago?

    My self-esteem was so low that I decided to join an online dating site just over a week ago. I met someone there and we have been seeing each other. She's wonderful and emotionally much more mature and supportive than my wife. We became intimate but I don't feel for her the same attraction that I feel for my wife. Although I know that my new partner is emotionally miles ahead from my wife, I can't feel attracted to her due to the way I still feel for my wife.

    I feel that I am on the verge of messing things up. Of getting even more hurt or, worse, hurting someone else. I still spend my days thinking about my wife getting back, I am improving my looks for her, I am thinking about buying a new car just to impress her. Why am I doing this, given what she made me suffer?

    I don't know what to do... Sorry for the long text, but this is my story. I am in so much pain.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    First off I am sorry for your loss....emotional affairs are very powerful and misleading...that is where your wife is at...a midlife crisis. Someone at work gave her eyes, and she felt newly desired. Then the dopamine is released, and becomes an addiction...the cheating, the lying just like an addict on heroin. You did nothing wrong, and there was nothing to stop it. It happens to a lot of people, even people in seemingly happy marriages.

    As for you, you shouldn't have dove in and tried to rescue yourself with dating someone new. It's not fair to her nor to you. You are simply burying the hurt, and rebounding off of her.

    Feeling the pain is what you need to do in order to heal. You need to go through the grieving process in order to be ready for a new chapter in your life.

    BUT now I say but, there is a chance your wife will realize that what she sees is just a flawed fantasy, and realize the value of what your marriage truly is. I can't guarantee this will happen but I have see marriages come back together after infidelity/midlife crisis. Unfortunately this takes time and waiting to see.

  3. #3
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    Thank you Smackie, the words you wrote I already had them in my head.

    I am quite inexperient in these things. I only had 2 partners in my life (3 now) and I don't know how to proceed. I like the company of my new partner, she's nice, supportive and wonderful. Maybe if I met her 6 months from now I would feel different. But I just can't get from her the same attraction I still feel from my wife.

    I feel like I have to end this new relationship as soon as possible, but then my mind tells me, what if I can't find anyone else? What if I will be stuck with this attraction for me wife? At least being with this new woman gives me some self-esteem, but it's done in a very selfish way, and I feel bad for doing it. But it's good to hear words from her that I never heard from my wife, and to be able to tell her similar words, and I do feel them, and see the smile on her face, and how her eyes close from being shy.

    But it's too soon. I know it's too soon and that this is wrong.

  4. #4
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    You need therapy. You're not viewing things correctly. You desire your ex-wife because she doesnt desire you. Would you let a woman treat your son this way? Or your father? Or your best friend? You wouldn't. She's worthless, she's scum. The sooner you come to terms with that the better.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You did what is a lot of people do when they need to heal. As the saying goes, the truth will set you free. If this woman is great as you say she is, she will understand your truth that you are not ready, or in the right mind to give yourself to her fully.

    As for your wife, she may not see the truth. That seeing this coworker is what she was looking for. We all make some poor choices....unfortunately it takes time to sort all of this out, to really know what we truly want. Nothing is black and white...a lot of grey, uncertainty, clouded judgement. I don't have a crystal ball, but I know for sure it's not always what we see. You need to take a time out. Focus on you and only you. There is online counseling available with professional therapists. I think you need to talk this out with someone who is neutral, so they can help you along, sorting out feelings, emotions which will lead to clearer thinking. You will feel better for it.
    Last edited by smackie9; 05-10-2020 at 09:38 PM.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    well its the inital chase phase for the coworker once that burns off things will become real.
    Your wife is pure selfish with her behavior.
    Just focus on your kids and youself, be single for a while, get a good legal advice on separation.
    Take care hang in there.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by LonelyRoom
    Since the lock down here in the UK... I decided to join an online dating site just over a week ago. I met someone there and we have been seeing each other... We became intimate
    In the space of a week you have joined a dating site, met someone and had sex with them, all while acknowledging that you - like the rest of us - are supposed to be under lockdown. You asked what if you can't find someone else? Well, you managed to find someone within a week, so that should tell you that you are perfectly capable of finding someone else when the time is right and that time isn't now.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    In the space of a week you have joined a dating site, met someone and had sex with them, all while acknowledging that you - like the rest of us - are supposed to be under lockdown. You asked what if you can't find someone else? Well, you managed to find someone within a week, so that should tell you that you are perfectly capable of finding someone else when the time is right and that time isn't now.
    You are right. When I look back to the last week and try to understand what happened, I can't. It's as if I was acting on autopolit. The pain, lack of sleep and the fear were to high, and still are, that I guess I did that as a survival instinct. I know it sounds crazy, but right now I have a bit more clarity of mind and wouldn't have done it.

    I think what other people wrote here is true. Somehow my wife never really had in her heart what she needed to stay with me, and it was enough that a 16 years older boss to work a bit on her for her to let me go. For her to end this family. That speaks a lot about her feelings, and I actually feel sad and sorry for her. I understand how that can happen, what I don't understand is how she could live with me for 13 years, in a 10 years marriage, having 2 children, without ever telling me that. Our last year was one of the best we ever had, we had a great holiday, we went of a few long weekends away, the kids are thriving. She was flirtier than ever, sex life was decent. She even gave me a Valentine's card this February with words of love and saying "here's to many of these", something she has never done before. That's why the shock was so massive to me.

    I also regret the way she delivered it, the words she used, her actions and the timing she chose to do it, during the lock down. She told me all of that when I was offering her my support for her sadness. And then, after delivering the message, she acted as if she was the happiest person in the world. How is that possible? If I had said those words to someone else, I would be suffering guild and pain. She was just happy, constantly chatting with the other man.

    I have a video chat with a therapist this afternoon. I need help to understand what I am going through.

    The love and attraction I have for her are scary, I constantly have in my head fears of never forgetting her, of not moving on, especially since we see each other a few times a week because of the kids. Just the thought of the smell of her hair, the touch of her skin, the beauty of her feet, those thoughts are in my head and they just hurt like mad, knowing that she's gone and that that man will have them all.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is there someone else in her life also?
    Originally Posted by LonelyRoom
    I asked if what she wanted was a divorce, and she said yes. The following day she was happy, very happy. Singing, listening to music, painting her nails, etc.

    My self-esteem was so low that I decided to join an online dating site just over a week ago. I met someone there and we have been seeing each other.

  11. #10
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Your wife asked for a divorce "out of the blue" a mere 4 weeks ago and you're already on dating sites having sex with someone else and can't figure out why you're not instantly in love with this person? What?

    It's going to take you a while to see your wife for who she really is now. In the meantime get off dating sites and quit using other women and then comparing them to your wonderful cheating wife.

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