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Thread: Please give me some unbiased advice on my sexless marriage

  1. #1
    Mellymel35's Avatar
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    Please give me some unbiased advice on my sexless marriage

    Hello,

    I signed up to this just to get some unbiased advice, I come from a very Christian family and whenever I have approached the topic I can see the disappointment on their faces so I have learnt to keep my private life completely to myself.

    I've been with my husband for 11 years, however we have only been married for just over a year. We had issues leading up to our engagement, I don't know why I thought married life would be any better. He really wants children, he has no other aspirations, that is all he wants from life, children and his own family - which when we first got together I found very sweet. However he has anger issues, he punched his own Dad and he has got aggressive towards me (never actually hurt me though), he has very few friends and although he is likeable, he chooses to not be very sociable.

    There is a 6 year age gap, when we got together I was 17 and had not been in a serious relationship before - he had. I was at university, we made it work long distance for 3 very long years - despite advice from my family and friends to settle for someone locally I held on to him and eventually after graduating got a job and moved 4 hours away from all my family and friends to be with him (young and selfish!)

    Initially we were great, rarely argued, opposites but we brought out the best in eachother, I encouraged him to be more outgoing, he encouraged me to be more sensible and to save money. Eventually we bought our own little house and things were pretty great for around 7 years (yes perhaps the 7 year itch is a thing!)

    I noticed I started to change, if we argued I shouted back, if there were parties I no longer stayed in because he didn't want to go, I went on my own. I made my own group of friends, we had different lives but lived in the same house. This makes me sound like I was abandoning him but I always asked if he wanted to come. even when I knew the answer.

    Our sex life dried up and my aspirations started to change, I started my own company - he was supportive of this to be fair. But the young dumb 17 year old who thought having a family was all she wanted was long gone.

    We shouldn't have got married, but when he proposed he cried, I saw real emotion, I thought we could get through this, it tugged at my heart and I felt emotions rush back from years ago.

    I was wrong.

    Things have now gradually got even worse. There are still moments we laugh and have fun but he feels like a friend in those moments...not a husband. I feel alone.

    I am stopping him from having his little family and I don't want that. But if I left him my own family might not forgive me and what if I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Most relationships I've noticed in life are not perfect, they all seem flawed.

    What I'm asking is....do you think I should let go, lose everything, but do what my heart is telling me is right.

  2. #2
    Shannara,
    Problem: to divorce or not
    Advice: Ask yourself these questions
    • Will he ever/has cheat me?
    • did he try to change your core beliefs ?
    • do you feel that he has degraded your self esteem or values ?
    Based on that, yes then divorce him.

    If there is no in 3 or 2 ( first question is a must to have no) of the questions then don't cause these kind of people are kinda hard to find.

    And if you decided to stay now then try to know what you expect from him and try to give that to him first. You will then most probably start to see massive change in his behavior or maybe just try to discuss what he wants and what you want.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Marriage counselling and premarital sessions didn't help? Do you want a divorce, an affair or just hope he changes?
    Originally Posted by Mellymel35
    I come from a very Christian family

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Mellymel35
    What I'm asking is....do you think I should let go, lose everything, but do what my heart is telling me is right.

    Well, that depends: are you willing to do everything and anything that it takes to try to save your marriage? Or have you completely given up and you aren't willing to do everything and anything that it takes to try to save your marriage?

    If you are willing to try to save it (and, if your husband is equally willing) then your best chance of success is to seek out every available option for couples struggling in their marriage. Perhaps, since you come from a strong Christian upbringing, you could reach out to your church for marital assistance. Many churches offer programs, counseling, and other services to assist couples struggling in their marriage.

    If you have completely given up, then there is really no point in staying in this marriage, other than continuing to live in an unhappy existence. If you have absolute zero interest in doing anything to try to save your marriage (or, if your husband has absolute zero interest) then I can guarantee you that nothing will change. A weakening marital bond cannot be made stronger unless BOTH sides are willing to do the work that it takes to help build a strong marital bond together.

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