Long term bf left after almost 4 years, abandoned our family to sleep around

To give a brief explanation - we met and felt instantly that we loved each other, it was this moment of shared love I’ve never had with another in my life. We felt like soulmates. The beginning was easy, natural, we loved being together, it just felt so magical and he asked me to marry him within the first three months. I told him to wait till he was sure, as I found it hard to believe I was this lucky, and wanted time to concrete his feelings. A few months later I got pregnant, he later tells me it was on purpose so I wouldn’t leave him. It changed my life entirely but not his. I had to quit art school, I also was very sick during this time. It wasn’t a positive experience and we didn’t bond. He just saw me as the enemy or a burden. And I felt lonely because he’d ignore when I was unwell. It wasn’t all bad but we struggled a lot to get through these hard moments.

I’m still trying to make sense of his behaviour. He left in December last year, it’s been almost 6 months. He first stated the reasons we’re that he couldn’t overcome our toxic fights - which happened a few times but not consistently over the course of the relationship. Stemmed from me doing all the work, wirh our baby. I felt alone and never signed up to feel like a single parent coupled. He refused to help or rather fulfil his share of the workload. He checked out a lot, stonewalling and gaslighting me. Some sexist views came to light as he’d label me useless for not working while our son was young. I threw a cup once, just to get him to reply Or react anything as he’d often check out to play video games and ignore me. This was a sad time for me, after having a baby. A year passed and we got counselling. I thought things were improving but he was just saying the right things but not really meaning it as when we got home his behaviours didn’t change or try to. I found out 6 months before he left that he was on a dating app. My stomach just sank. We tried to mend it but my trust was broken. He seems to constantly need attention that I don’t have energy for, while caring for a small child without much involvement from him. I’m already quite an insecure person assuming he’d leave so this was amplified by that action. He left when I found out I was expecting baby 2. Because of this I had to move abruptly while grieving the loss of family and our son acted out constantly. It was a lonely horrible time.

I was doing better accepting it was over, But he kept coming and going. Our connection and chemistry was so strong, I can’t resist it or the wish to be a family again. That’s all I want. I can’t seem to let go of this notion of us being a family.

Cue to today, he’s stuffed me around constantly and things have gotten messy. He’s using a lot of marijuana (he has a long term addiction but didn’t use when we got together - I’m anti drugs and always represented myself accurately) and has been sleeping around with anyone he can on tinder. He’s good looking so it’s easy for him. It’s upset me because he isn’t careful and slept with me during this time while he was with other people, not only am I pregnant but I’m having to worry about this aspect or if he’s getting other women pregnant. I’m so stressed and need to let this man go but just feel pure love anytime I see him, and often cry after we do pickup or drop off of sharing our son.

I’m finding it so hard to let go, this belief is so strong in me that we’re meant to be together since anytime we’re around each other for longer than a brief moment we just want to be together. But I’m realising it seems he wanted to live alone, get sexual experience and smoke weed anytime he wanted without the full time responsibilities of parenting. This is a hard thing to accept. He was never this vain when we were together, never posted to social media or took lots of selfies. But now he seems focused on being desired by all women. No one else’s ex seems to go down this path, so I am wondering if this is maybe his true self? And the person I knew wasn’t real? He was so gentle and loving and kind (not all but most of the time) and now he blames me for the breakup, I never gave up on him, and he blames me for him being this way. It’s so hurtful, logically it doesn’t add up. Feels like more untrue stories to hide another truth.

Sorry this is long, I’m just so confused and sad. Just wanting my family back together. Will he ever regret doing this? He seems so out of control and lost. Refusing to feel his pain :(

Sorry to hear this. There are so many red flags right from the start. He seems mentally abusive. At the very least it's clear he doesn't want to be a family man or be with you and his child. He would rather get high and sleep around. Make sure you go to court and arrange child support and supervised visitation through the courts.

Stop 'connecting' with him. Cut him off completely and only arrange for supervised visitation since he is a drug user and rather promiscuous and irresponsible.

Get tested for STDs. Now that you decided to have kids, you'll have to deal with that through friends, family, child support, etc. See if you qualify for help with child care, employment assistance, housing assistance, food assistance and healthcare for you and your child.

he asked me to marry him within the first three months.

A few months later I got pregnant, he later tells me it was on purpose so I wouldn’t leave him.

He left in December last year, it’s been almost 6 months. me doing all the work, wirh our baby.

He left when I found out I was expecting baby 2.

He’s using a lot of marijuana

has been sleeping around with anyone he can on tinder.

You should talk to a lawyer and set up child support payments, he is obligated to pay for the older child and the new baby when it arrives. You may need a restraining order if he is coming around unexpectedly. You should learn about visitation options for your child, as well as what support is available for you financially.

Accepting this is over is necessary for you and your kids, you need and deserve a stable life.

Sorry to hear this. This guy is not partner or parent material, and it would be best to get him away from you and your kids. The is terrible for your children.

Please get on birth control, and stop allowing him to mess you about.

Get tested for STDs and see a lawyer.

He is not out of control, this is who he has always been, unfortunately you rushed into a family with him.

Abandoned,

What exactly do you love about this guy? He has never treated you with any respect, nor participated in your family. Now, he uses your family's money on weed and other women. What makes him so enticing?

How did he purposely get you pregnant?

He can’t do that single handedly.

You did sign up to be a single mum by not using birth control with a man you still didn’t know too well nor have any committment from.

I’m sorry but you want to blame him for the situation you are both in. And he wants to blame you.

But you both need to accept the equal responsibility.

You become pregnant again outside of a relationship with him. Again signing up to be a single mother , this time with two children. ??

He can’t come and go if you don’t allow it.

When are you going to realise that this guy has no interest in having a picture perfect family life with you?

Start the proceedings of an official separation , organise child support through the courts and start living your life as a single mum and eventually you will get back into art school.

Good luck!!

I’m so stressed and need to let this man go but just feel pure love anytime I see him, and often cry after we do pickup or drop off of sharing our son.

That's not love you feel, it's insanity.

I'm dead serious, not trying to be rude.

You are facing MAJOR PROBLEMS with this guy.

He is not your friend.

He is not your ally.

All he does is deceive you and seduce you.

You have to wake up. Don't just sit there drooling like a slack-jawed yokel.

Protect yourself and your children!

You're going to have to get creative about this because you're really backed into a corner with this guy.

Seriously, wake the eff up.

he later tells me it was on purpose so I wouldn’t leave him.

 

I’m still trying to make sense of his behaviour.

I'm so sorry. This should have been enough for you to realize he's f**ked up. He abused your trust and had zero consideration for what you wanted and needed in life. Trying to make sense of his behavior is counterproductive because it tricks your mind into making up more and more excuse for him. Whether he was intentionally cruel and manipulative or just incredibly immature and irresponsible, it doesn't change the fact that he has made little contribution to your family and been a constant source of pain and upset. It will not get better until you cut him out of your life.

Honey, he is not your family, that is just a fantasy you had that wasn't based on the reality of how he is acting. He wants to be out running around with women and doing drugs, not acting like your true partner or helping you take care of your children. So you need to stop that fantasy about 'wanting your family back' because he is just not your family. He's shown you time and again that forming a family is not his priority. Having sex with lots of women and doing drugs is.

He's got the best of both worlds, a woman staying home and taking care of his kids and having sex with him when he's in the mood, making no demands on him while he is totally irresponsible and doesn't take care of his kids and does drugs and sleeps with multiple women. So he's having a grand old time while you're saddled with taking care of a couple kids on your own.

He has no incentive at all to change as long as you fantasize about what a great guy he could be and let him take advantage of you and all these other women too.

You need to protect your children and yourself from the vagaries of this street dog you've tangled yourself up with. He may be willing to come around and take food or money or sex from you, but has no interest whatsoever in turning into the responsible and considerate and honest man you want him to be. This will be hard for you to hear, but here it is: You're addicted to him and the excitement of trying to reel him in and domesticate him, the same way people get addicted to drugs. You're chasing that carrot on the end of stick, telling yourself how great it will be *if only* he turns into someone he is not. Because he *is* that lying, cheating, irresponsible, drug addicted person even if you don't want him to be. He can be nice when there's something in it for him, but that's just a veneer and not really the real him.

So focus on your real family, your children. Do you want your kids going for visitation with a drug addict, who will risk their safety and expose your children to who knows what other addicts and dangerous situations? You need to immediately go to court and get full custody of these kids firmly in hand, registering with the court that he's a drug addict and should only be allowed visitation in supervised situations unless he passes random drug tests to prove he's not using. And he needs to be paying child support rather than using his money on drugs and women.

Next, get some therapy to help you understand you are engaged in what is called magical thinking. You are more attached to your fantasies about what life could be than you are to the reality of who he is and how things really are. Contact social services if you can't afford it privately. You need to get your feet firmly on the ground and see him realistically rather than create a fantasy about him. Once you see how truly horrifying his behavior is (and believe it), you'll stop seeing him as the man of your dreams. He's really the man of your nightmares, honestly!

And you need to stop sleeping with him because he could give you a deadly STD such as HIV, since you don't know whether he could be using IV drugs or sleeping with women who are infected. Him impregnating other women is the least of your worries. You know he lies and cheats, so you can't believe anything he tells you about his drug use or what he's doing when you're not around to see it.

Sorry to say this but you are pretty naive. You were not in ove or soulmates, it's infactuation. Talk of marriage is just that TALK and should never ever be taken as a promise. He was in it for the sex, he has an addiction of the thrill of that intensity of being with someone new...that's it. You and all these other women are being duped. My advice, be more responsible. BIRTHCONTROL, and getting tested before the condom comes off. And always be wary of love bombing. Take a step back and take your time to get to know someone first. If there's talk of marriage and crap..BIG RED FLAG. If that is the truth, it sure as hell has to be proven. This dude is a con artist. Get a lawyer, get child suport out of him, and focus on raising that child on your own.

Just a tip: guys will do and say anything to get sex.