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Thread: Im not sure what to think/feel?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by SimplyLost
    I was rude in the way that i assumed she was having a stab at me and was automatically defensive when i should've pulled back and took a second and seen it for what it was, just her being jovial.
    What did you say to her, exactly?

  2. #12
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    He explained that in Post #3.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SimplyLost
    @smackie9

    Thank you for the insightful reply i have taken it on board. All i know how to do is what I'm doing at the moment and letting her know that I'm there if she needs a shoulder and that I'm working on how i process things and talk to people, but for me i canbe quite blunt or what I'm saying comes across in a way completely different to how i mean it. i do express my feelings quite well especially with her but at times with everyone, i don't process what's said to well at all and i react before i think which i am also trying to teach myself not to do.

    This is an area i need guidance in
    This is something you have to explain to everyone including her. The best place to start is honest communication. You would be surprise how understanding people can be if you tell the truth. It's that fear, we all have of what people think of us, that makes us stumble and be shy of showing vulnerability. If you release those feelings, expression will come much easier.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by TulipTrees
    If you think you upset someone by something you did, all you can do is try to explain yourself and apologize. How they react to that is not under your control.

    She has told you very clearly that perhaps the two of you were going too fast and she was not comfortable with that, and your rant took her by surprise and reminded her that everything in relationships is not a honeymoon. Which is a very reasonable stance for her to take given that you haven't been together long and haven't actually been seeing each other in person all that much due to the pandemic.

    So accept what she said, fully and graciously. She has a right to proceed at the speed with which she is comfortable, and also to change her mind if she decides a romance with you is not what she's interested in. Don't try to overthink this, just listen to what she says and believe it and act accordingly. If she's more comfortable going slower without all the lovey dovey stuff too soon, then match her pace. Don't turn everything into a therapy session with her or demand she justify and explain why she did or did not do what you expected her to do every minute.

    So try to roll with it. Don't bombard her with texts, but do respond nicely when she contacts you. If you're thinking about her, send her a nice text, but don't do it 20 times a day if she's told you she wants to go slower. Don't try to turn this into a race to a finish line, enjoy the day, enjoy the walk, see where it leads you.

    If she ultimately doesn't get serious with you, you can start dating other women if she decides she doesn't want a romance at all. But don't assume that it's totally over until she tells you so. She may just be doing what she said, going a bit slower while you both figure it out.
    I agree totally that relationships are not always a honeymoon, but I'm not seeing how it took her by surprise as a couple of weeks before she said "we will not always have good days some will be bad but we have to work through them together" so when I did rant even though I did not see it as a big thing and it obviously was to her, you would think she would respond by working it out together not almost completely shutting off.

    and if she does decide she does not want a romance that is fine but I also think I am trying to respect her and what she wants but at the same time if she is "weening" me back to a more friendly position in her life than I should be told that that is what is happening. not have it done by slowly taking away the small things like the good mornings and good nights then chatting less and less and then eventually no calls and minimal if any texts, I believe I at least deserve that respect.. and to not be treated like a half-wit if that is in fact what is happening

    I am completely happy to go slow and prefer it, I understand the intensity with the things she says and the way she acts, but I do not understand how going slow involves stopping saying things like "good morning" or "good night", taking a day or 2 to respond to messages and that for me is also setting off alarms

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to say, it sounds like neither you nor she is ready for a relationship at this time. Let things rest. Focus on reentry including parole obligations, work obligations, housing situations and other aspects of readjusting to regular life.
    Originally Posted by SimplyLost
    i was released around 6 months ago.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    This is something you have to explain to everyone including her. The best place to start is honest communication. You would be surprise how understanding people can be if you tell the truth. It's that fear, we all have of what people think of us, that makes us stumble and be shy of showing vulnerability. If you release those feelings, expression will come much easier.
    I am quite good at being vulnerable and expressing myself (her words also) i have actually told her these exact things before, but she is not good at expressing and being vulnerable which is what is making me think I'm being "weened" to a more friendlier position in her life because i don't think she would tell me "i don't want to see if this goes any further" or something along those lines in fear of hurting me/ losing me as a friend and would just continue to cut away things like the good mornings and good byes and calls etc

    also thank you for your replies it has given me great insight and new approaches to how i handle many things

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    While expressing feelings is one thing, it's the opposite of helpful to box a person into a position that they can do nothing about. She's damned whether she sends the letter or not, or a new letter or not, or wants to take it slow or not.

    Why not just recognize that you dumped stuff on her that she can do absolutely nothing to fix, and now she's under a microscope no matter what she does going forward? That's a high stress place to be.

    I'd back off of taking her temperature all of the time and let her set the pace. That's the only way to learn what her pace will be. From there you can make better decisions. Until then, I'd skip the analysis--it drills you into an unnecessary hole.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    While expressing feelings is one thing, it's the opposite of helpful to box a person into a position that they can do nothing about. She's damned whether she sends the letter or not, or a new letter or not, or wants to take it slow or not.

    Why not just recognize that you dumped stuff on her that she can do absolutely nothing to fix, and now she's under a microscope no matter what she does going forward? That's a high-stress place to be.

    I'd back off of taking her temperature all of the time and let her set the pace. That's the only way to learn what her pace will be. From there you can make better decisions. Until then, I'd skip the analysis--it drills you into an unnecessary hole.
    Sorry for the late reply, I've been a bit busy.

    As I have discussed with her it wasn't about her letter it was about a collection of people that never sent their letters and her bringing her letter up brought those memories flooding back and this caused a reaction in me that I'm guessing came off as an attack on her when i was just expressing my pains but did not communicate it well at all.
    I don't feel that I have put her under a microscope. I'm accepting of what she wants and have backed off.

    I just found it to be a massive worry that someone can display all of these emotions and feelings and then in the space of a few hours turn them all off like they were never there.

    I won't see her for a week or so yet but I have taken your guys advice partly by not voicing my analyzations and just letting everything happen naturally but as in my head I'm still analyzing what's going on I feel as if the way we talk to each other has changed, certain topics when approached are avoided (jovial things, not serious things haha) and our phone chats are becoming more? awkward? I guess it is an appropriate word for it. Which is what I was worried about when saying that it was a red flag for me that the little things like good mornings and such are taken away. eventually, you end up here then its "I don't want anything anymore" which is fine but could've been avoided weeks ago with a simple "I'm not feeling it, I think we shouldn't try and take this any further" instead of dragging it out" which would've let us both know where one and other stands and i believe would have been a much healthier approach.

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