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Thread: My wife hates my brotherís wife and I canít handle it. It is making me depressed

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is your wife an outsider? Are the wives treated like nonfamily? Why are they shut out of you and your bro's closeness and treated as "problems"?

    What about your wife and when your child comes? Your bro still comes first? Is this normal in your culture or is this fostered by family dysfunction and dynamics?
    My friend got married 10 years ago. She married a guy that has a twin brother. His twin brother gave the most beautiful best man speech. He said "I am the one who knows you best and now my job is done because the beautiful and capable Jenn will now be the one who know you best for the rest of your life." There was not a dry eye in the house. And he is living it. Its not the two bros and wive on the side. Its a married man and wife.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fishbite
    I disagree with most of the above advice.

    If your wife really loves you, she will put on her big girl pants and be amicable with your brotherís wife. But she isnít.

    I am concerned that she has not given any thought to your feelings. Enduring marriages are made up of team mates. She is not a team player.

    Yes your marriage is your priority number one, but not at the expense of everyone else.

    She needs to see a therapist. Is she an only child.
    It doesn't work. I've tried to "love" my despicable BIL (bro-in-law) to no avail. Just being with him at random restaurant family gatherings makes my skin crawl. My husband and I can't even look him in the eye anymore. The guy's a jerk through and through and he is beyond reproach. I've tried to be amicable, endure, tolerate, accept, put on my big girl pants, no I'm not an only child, no I don't need a therapist and I finally put my foot down.

    Fortunately, BIL is my sister's husband and since they don't live too close to me geographically, I have more convenient excuses not to see him throughout the year. I make exceptions for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the sake of the relatives and that's it. If the family tree wishes to gather with him, I prefer to stay home and take a nap!

    Marriage always takes top priority and there is no expense to be had if there are compromises where everyone is satisfied and there is peace. There are times when there is no more patience left and the only recourse is enforcing healthy boundaries with others. If there is semi-estrangement or estrangement in order to arrive at peace, then so be it. It's better than feeling uncomfortable and forcing myself to be where I don't want to be. Those days are over. I'm adamant, steadfast and unwavering about this. No more abuse FOREVER. I've written him off long ago and have never felt better, stronger, secure and self confident with my newfound convictions. It's very empowering. I'm civil at best and after that, I don't bother with disrespectful, mentally ill people anymore.

  3. #23
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    Eskimo hasnít said that she has done anything other than be controlling with OCD tendencies.

    You are all assuming that she has done something really awful to get this response response from Eskimoís wife. There has been nothing from Eskimo to suggest that.

    We are all not the same in our personalities. Some are a little different.
    Yes if SIL is overbearing, then the twin brother needs to chat with her.

    We are taught in Kindergarten to get along and be resilient.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fishbite
    You are all assuming that she has done something really awful to get this response response from Eskimoís wife.
    No, the problem is that Eskimo insists that his relationship with his brother and his brother's wife is, and should be part of, his relationship with his own wife:

    Originally Posted by Eskimo2000
    Unfortunately, there is a huge problem in our relationship and I am running out of ways to deal with it. My twin brother is my closest person in my life.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fishbite

    We are taught in Kindergarten to get along and be resilient.
    This is not kindergarten anymore. The rules have since changed. It's called "real deal breakers."

    What goes around comes around.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Fishbite
    Eskimo hasnít said that she has done anything other than be controlling with OCD tendencies.

    You are all assuming that she has done something really awful to get this response response from Eskimoís wife. There has been nothing from Eskimo to suggest that.

    We are all not the same in our personalities. Some are a little different.
    Yes if SIL is overbearing, then the twin brother needs to chat with her.

    We are taught in Kindergarten to get along and be resilient.
    As far as the last line, i was taught that too, but when someone is repeatedly a bully, my parents taught me to stop including them and walk away and find other friends.

    Being controlling IS enough of a problem. My sister ruined Easter one year. She had this vision that the room would be quiet, all focus on my parents when they unwrapped something that said they were going to have a grandkid. (not to mention Easter isn't a "present" holiday so there would be normal time for this to happen). A neighbor knocked at the door, someone was in the bathroom, I apparently wasn't sitting in the "right seat". My dad had tucked it away in the bedroom because no one else got gifts and he didn't want the little kids to wonder where their presents were. We had NO idea that this was going to happen. She was already mad at me because i pet her dog before saying hi to my parents (the dog was outside...my parents were in the house) so she already had her claws out. She mad everyone feel bad because she didn't have total control.

    My sister can make things very stressful if things aren't "just so" and if she doesn't have total control

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Habitual, chronic, repeated disrespect and immoral behavior = semi estrangement or estrangement. This IS resilience and survival.

  9. #28
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    My wife hates my brotherís wife and I canít handle it. It is making me depressed

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    As far as the last line, i was taught that too, but when someone is repeatedly a bully, my parents taught me to stop including them and walk away and find other friends.

    Being controlling IS enough of a problem. My sister ruined Easter one year. She had this vision that the room would be quiet, all focus on my parents when they unwrapped something that said they were going to have a grandkid. (not to mention Easter isn't a "present" holiday so there would be normal time for this to happen). A neighbor knocked at the door, someone was in the bathroom, I apparently wasn't sitting in the "right seat". My dad had tucked it away in the bedroom because no one else got gifts and he didn't want the little kids to wonder where their presents were. We had NO idea that this was going to happen. She was already mad at me because i pet her dog before saying hi to my parents (the dog was outside...my parents were in the house) so she already had her claws out. She mad everyone feel bad because she didn't have total control.

    My sister can make things very stressful if things aren't "just so" and if she doesn't have total control
    Do you still talk to your sister?

    There is no mention here that Eskimoís sister in law is a bully.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    This is not kindergarten anymore. The rules have since changed. It's called "real deal breakers."

    What goes around comes around.
    I am trying to have an adult conversation here. There is no need for smugs and tongues. If you are suggesting that this could happen to me, it already has.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fishbite
    I am trying to have an adult conversation here. There is no need for smugs and tongues. If you are suggesting that this could happen to me, it already has.
    I'm telling you that often times there is no such thing as following kindergarten rules, resilience, putting your big girl pants on, being an only child or not, suck it up buttercup, etc. Often times, there's such bad blood due to habitual, chronic, sick behaviors that your suggestions while in theory are good, realistically, it doesn't work. It is not a one size fits all scenario. If you were in my shoes with certain despicable sick characters who cross my path, you'd be singing a different tune. Yes, I can remain civil but we play by my rules from now on. I'm in the driver's seat which is empowering and this is what enforced healthy boundaries are. Am I peaceful? Yes. More than that? That's laughable.

    I'm not suggesting anything. If two people are incompatible and other family members or people wish to congregate, then by all means get together. However, it doesn't mean that everyone has to force themselves to be a good sport for every occasion. As mentioned previously, for my family I make exceptions for a few major holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas for the sake of my sons. After that, don't bother me for another 11 months. It's the best I can do and even then it's above and beyond considering the ton of cooking I do for my sister's shindigs.

    I'm suggesting to you that high expectations of others isn't feasible. I believe in doing the bare minimum for the sake of peace but I draw the line somewhere. These are the harsh PERMANENT consequences to pay for unacceptable, intolerable, indifferent, apathetic, narcissistic, gaslighting, ugly, mental illness type behaviors. Forgive? Yes. Forget? NEVER.

    Unfortunately, a lot of people are purely HOPELESS. I've since written them off which feels quite liberating.

    To be clear, no one has to be a bully either. If whatever comes out of the perpetrator's mouth or in written form disrespects me, my sons or husband (with unkindness, rudeness, bad manners, obnoxiousness, insults, offenses, meanness, blocks me, hangs up, tests me sorely, underestimates me, etc), then something inside me dies and I can't recapture my former enthusiasm for them anymore. This is human nature and universal. I don't want to be with people who've demonstrated their true colors to me in the past. I've since lost my desire and trust meaning, I know what they're capable of and they'll do it to me again. It's only a matter of time.

    NO DEAL.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 05-12-2020 at 02:28 AM.

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