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Thread: My wife hates my brotherís wife and I canít handle it. It is making me depressed

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your marriage takes top priority over your sibling. You're about to become a new father so focus on being a great father and husband. An early "congratulations" btw.

    Help your wife A LOT and do it without her having to ask!

    You can't force your wife to like your SIL just like I can't force myself to like my wretched BIL. We limit family gatherings to just major holidays so I can fake it 'til I make it for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Gag. I go through the motions for the sake of my sons and their cousins. After that, I demand and command that there is zero contact during the majority of the year.

    If possible, you'll have to make arrangements to be with your twin brother without gathering everyone together. You have to do what you have to do in order to keep the peace with everyone. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries. Since your wife is adamantly against reconciling with her SIL, you have to be the bigger person and make accommodations otherwise it's an endless miserable situation.

    Divide and conquer. Visit your brother while your wife stays home. This way, everyone is happy.

  2. #12
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    I disagree with most of the above advice.

    If your wife really loves you, she will put on her big girl pants and be amicable with your brotherís wife. But she isnít.

    I am concerned that she has not given any thought to your feelings. Enduring marriages are made up of team mates. She is not a team player.

    Yes your marriage is your priority number one, but not at the expense of everyone else.

    She needs to see a therapist. Is she an only child.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    My family has picked up on it, my brother picked up on it. Iíve lied to them, Iíve covered for her, Iíve made excuses for her attitude and behavior, but I canít anymore.
    Pardon me? It's not your wife whom you should be making excuses for...it's your brothers wife!! All eyes should be on her and she should be explaining herself as to why SHE is causing so much upset.

    Your wife is the victim here, not the perpetrator. It's a shame that even her own husband doesn't have her back.
    If your wife is that beaten down by your big mouth sister in law, than you should be standing up for your wife and telling your brother to talk to her, or you won't be visiting them.

    I understand that you are close to your brother, but this is your wife! She comes first. You have chosen to make a life with this woman....not your brother!

    Do the right thing and back your wife. Support her. Stand up to this bully. This isn't a problem with your wife, this is a problem with your brothers wife and it needs to be addressed with him.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I understand that you are twins, but I think your priorities are backwards if you are putting your brother's needs and brother's wife's needs before the needs of your own wife. Your wife is your future and your family's future. You are actually acting against yourself with your current mentality.
    Absolutely!!!!!!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If your wife really loves you, she will put on her big girl pants and be amicable with your brotherís wife. But she isnít.
    Nope, wrong. Couple's support one another, understand one another and put one another first. His wife didn't marry him so she could "suck it up" and force herself to be terrorized by this loud mouth, nor should she be expected to.

    I think Wiseman has the best idea, if the brothers want to visit together on their own, that would work out for the best. No need to bring the wives or force anyone on anyone.

    You might both be married, but no one said you all had to share everything and that your wives had to be best friends or even get along for that matter.

    Support your wife, put her feelings first.

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    You need to talk to your wife and find out why she is so unhappy with your brother's wife. Something is going on. Stop making excuses and blaming her and try harder to understand what is happening. Your wife is hiding in her room for reasons other than "she's difficult to get along with" and "she's a perfectionist". How do you know there isn't some element of bullying going on that you are not privy to?

    Talk to your wife, in detail, then talk to your brother, and figure out how to go from there.

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You can always see your brother on your own. Your wife doesnít need to go.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Fishbite
    I disagree with most of the above advice.

    If your wife really loves you, she will put on her big girl pants and be amicable with your brotherís wife. But she isnít.

    I am concerned that she has not given any thought to your feelings. Enduring marriages are made up of team mates. She is not a team player.

    Yes your marriage is your priority number one, but not at the expense of everyone else.

    She needs to see a therapist. Is she an only child.
    My SIL would take things she admired from our house when I was not home. Because our house was by a builder and SIL was a realtor who wanted to sell the builder's homes, she told people our house was a "model" to look at and i had people looking through the windows at me and in the yard, believing no one lived there (it had a living room/dining combo and a family room. since we moved from a combo that had just a kitchen and one of those rooms, we did not initially have a dining room set or a sofa for both of the rooms so through one window, you didn't see furniture). And she physically abused me on an occasion. Do you think i should have "sucked it up" out of love? I only agreed for awhile to see her in public (an event with a time limit where there were others around) where someone else might keep her in check.

    We really don't know the extent of what the SIL is like, because he is brother-focused. We know she is very difficult,though.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    You need to talk to your wife and find out why she is so unhappy with your brother's wife. Something is going on. Stop making excuses and blaming her and try harder to understand what is happening. Your wife is hiding in her room for reasons other than "she's difficult to get along with" and "she's a perfectionist". How do you know there isn't some element of bullying going on that you are not privy to?

    Talk to your wife, in detail, then talk to your brother, and figure out how to go from there.
    I am betting he is oblivious to what is going on in front of him.

    I would suggest he doesn't ask his wife right now - that he acts, and does not invite SIL and brother into their home and doesn't plan anything with them for a few weeks so his wife can relax and then talk about it. sometimes the "Do you have a problem?" convos sound confrontational. this way she can see the effort and is out of the reactive mode before he addresses it "i was wrong. You told me how much SIL bothers you and i wasn't listening. We don't have to have them over. I can see how much more relaxed you are when they don't. Maybe i am really dense, but maybe in time you will tell me what bothers you about her for things to reach this point."

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is your wife an outsider? Are the wives treated like nonfamily? Is your family clannish or elitist? Why are they shut out of you and your bro's closeness and treated as "problems"?

    What about your wife and when your child comes? Your bro still comes first? Is this normal in your culture or is this fostered by family dysfunction and dynamics? Many dysfunctional families pick on "outsiders" as the "problem" so they can continue to hobble along and never look within.
    Originally Posted by Eskimo2000
    My twin brother is my closest person in my life.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 05-10-2020 at 06:02 PM.

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