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Advice for cleaning when people are perpetually at home


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I am right around the bend, well almost. I like to clean in solitude. When my husband was at work that was easy. He was asleep and unconscious by 9 to be up at 5:30 AM to go to work. Now he is perpetually HERE. He does make food and wash clothes and I do the cleaning. However, I can’t clean while he is all over the place messing up behind me as I go. And he watches TV until last 11 PM now. I can’t seem to get anything finished to my satisfaction. I am ready to go crazy .

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I feel ya! I love a tidy space, but with two people (one of them a 3 year old) at home 24/7 it just isn’t possible. I try to just clean up after myself as much as I can, he does the same, and on the weekend, or after work on Friday, I try to do a deeper clean of the house. Usually this works fairly well, since we have 2 stories and he takes our daughter upstairs to play while I go Wild downstairs, and then he’ll take her down, and I finish the upstairs. Sometimes he’ll take her outside in the yard for a bit to give me some time. I have accepted that a place that is lived in every minute of the day won’t look as pristine as an IKEA catalog (even if I’d love it to be haha). I feel much more productive when it’s clean though, so maintaining a once a week scrubbing of the house is important to me. I’m not sure if this could work for you. Maybe let him know on Saturday you’d like to do that and he can either help out or just be a bit more mindful of not leaving dirty plates on the table while you’re doing that?

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Let's get real here. Stop being so dramatic when there are worse problems in life. Just be grateful to be well and safe. A little dirt never hurt anyone. Just do the best you can and don't waste your energy on such trivial things.

 

Remember, that we are all facing challenges, so you've got a lot of company.

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Let's get real here. Stop being so dramatic when there are worse problems in life. Just be grateful to be well and safe. A little dirt never hurt anyone. Just do the best you can and don't waste your energy on such trivial things.

 

Remember, that we are all facing challenges, so you've got a lot of company.

 

Yup , there are worse problems but an untidy space builds my anxiety. Get it?

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Ugh I am sorry! I hate to suggest this but for now you just have to tell yourself dirt is inert and lower your standards a tad. Can you change your cleaning routine at all -I'm sure you thought of that.

 

I will probably have to lower my standards. He is maybe going back to work in June.

 

It just builds anxiety when I am constantly picking up mess all over .

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I feel ya! I love a tidy space, but with two people (one of them a 3 year old) at home 24/7 it just isn’t possible. I try to just clean up after myself as much as I can, he does the same, and on the weekend, or after work on Friday, I try to do a deeper clean of the house. Usually this works fairly well, since we have 2 stories and he takes our daughter upstairs to play while I go Wild downstairs, and then he’ll take her down, and I finish the upstairs. Sometimes he’ll take her outside in the yard for a bit to give me some time. I have accepted that a place that is lived in every minute of the day won’t look as pristine as an IKEA catalog (even if I’d love it to be haha). I feel much more productive when it’s clean though, so maintaining a once a week scrubbing of the house is important to me. I’m not sure if this could work for you. Maybe let him know on Saturday you’d like to do that and he can either help out or just be a bit more mindful of not leaving dirty plates on the table while you’re doing that?

Maybe I could get him to go watch TV in our room so he can leave me to the main level to clean it. My husband has really severe ADHD so he can get very scattered and leave things around as he goes. It is worse now that he is home 24/7.

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I mean is dude walking behind you knocking things off shelves right after you put the cups back on them? I've got PTSD and am a pretty hardcore introvert, so there's a lot that sucks about constant stair noises, overall just feeling a constant presence around, sporadic yelling at the cats out of nowhere, etc. I likewise do the cleaning around the house (I'm the cook as well). If I want a solid period of time just to catch up around the house or to cook without intrusion, I offer a good snack or small meal for her to relax with and play / watch her favorite video game or show. Playing to her interests that get her out of the way has been a pretty good strategy, and fortunately one that benefits us both without resentment.

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I have no advice but I know your frustration.

 

My dwelling looks like hoarders central right now due to Corona and I've just had to deal with it. Maybe ask them to go into another room while you get your cleaning groove on.

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Maybe I could get him to go watch TV in our room so he can leave me to the main level to clean it. My husband has really severe ADHD so he can get very scattered and leave things around as he goes. It is worse now that he is home 24/7.

 

Yes, that's a good idea! I don't agree with taking the approach that it's not important because people are sick and/or unemployed. I get it. I get that it makes you anxious - my husband's clutter sometimes makes me anxious and I cannot clean it up -he won't let me. And no I'm not going to make myself think at that moment "it could be worse, we're healthy, right?" Perspective has its place and I'm tired of being told my feelings aren't valid -meaning, tired of reading on Facebook that if I have a job and am healthy how dare I even think about how desperate I am to have my child back in school so I can get some breathing room like I'm used to -and yes I feel safe if i want to vent about that on the thread you started -no I would never post about that on Facebook in response to someone feeling down because she or a family member is ill or unemployed. It's all a balance and I get why you are feeling anxious.

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I mean is dude walking behind you knocking things off shelves right after you put the cups back on them? I've got PTSD and am a pretty hardcore introvert, so there's a lot that sucks about constant stair noises, overall just feeling a constant presence around, sporadic yelling at the cats out of nowhere, etc. I likewise do the cleaning around the house (I'm the cook as well). If I want a solid period of time just to catch up around the house or to cook without intrusion, I offer a good snack or small meal for her to relax with and play / watch her favorite video game or show. Playing to her interests that get her out of the way has been a pretty good strategy, and fortunately one that benefits us both without resentment.

 

I get ya having PTSD as well. My husband is a very noisy person and get messy it is difficult for 24/7. Maybe I can offer him an entire day watching sports in exchange for me getting to clean up the mess without him being in the way.

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Yes, that's a good idea! I don't agree with taking the approach that it's not important because people are sick and/or unemployed. I get it. I get that it makes you anxious - my husband's clutter sometimes makes me anxious and I cannot clean it up -he won't let me. And no I'm not going to make myself think at that moment "it could be worse, we're healthy, right?" Perspective has its place and I'm tired of being told my feelings aren't valid -meaning, tired of reading on Facebook that if I have a job and am healthy how dare I even think about how desperate I am to have my child back in school so I can get some breathing room like I'm used to -and yes I feel safe if i want to vent about that on the thread you started -no I would never post about that on Facebook in response to someone feeling down because she or a family member is ill or unemployed. It's all a balance and I get why you are feeling anxious.

 

I hear you our feelings are our feelings. While I am coping much better at present with my anxiety at this time it’s not very hard to drive me over the edge.

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How about cutting a deal? You make the mess, therefore, you clean it up.

 

Also, split all chores in half so it's fair to both of you. My husband will dust and vac, I'll mop and do any details he misses. We both clean kitchen and bathrooms. He washes both cars, always fills cars with gas, mows the front and back yard lawns, does yard work, cleans the garage and maintains our outdoor property while I focus on the inside of the house. He does the majority of grocery shopping and errands, while I menu plan, we both cook, I declutter, organize and get the house in order.

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How about cutting a deal? You make the mess, therefore, you clean it up.

 

Also, split all chores in half so it's fair to both of you. My husband will dust and vac, I'll mop and do any details he misses. We both clean kitchen and bathrooms. He washes both cars, always fills cars with gas, mows the front and back yard lawns, does yard work, cleans the garage and maintains our outdoor property while I focus on the inside of the house. He does the majority of grocery shopping and errands, while I menu plan, we both cook, I declutter, organize and get the house in order.

My husband is not good with mess clean up. I am ok with our division of labour. It is having him the hell out of my space to do it . The shift to having him here 24/7 for days on end with no opportunity to leave other than a walk or a small drive feels like an “ invasion” of space .

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Can you get him to pick up at some of what he leaves laying around? I do think you need to lower your standards somewhat.

 

That is kind of a 27 year battle. Usually he just picks it up and moves it somewhere else and says he will put it away and it never happens. But now I’ve had almost 55 days of staring at things for hours and days on end. And I don’t have work and other things to distract me so I don’t care.

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My husband is not good with mess clean up. I am ok with our division of labour. It is having him the hell out of my space to do it . The shift to having him here 24/7 for days on end with no opportunity to leave other than a walk or a small drive feels like an “ invasion” of space .

 

Well, this COVID-19 pandemic lock down quarantine won't last forever so hang in there, ~Seraphim~. One of these days you'll clean up and you'll be happier. :smug:

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Netflix and chill with some episodes of "The Odd Couple". The real issues is that everyone is feeling the effects of being stuck together more now. People can't go out, are bored and are getting on each other's nerves.

 

Drinking, drug use, suicides and mental health problems are skyrocketing. The best thing to do is learn techniques for tolerating each other when everyone is home in the same space more and feeling frustrated. Picking a battle over cleaning is not a good use of your time or energy.

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So I actually prefer to be the main cleaner now because just like with shopping the fewer people who are being exposed to the virus the better -so I pick up his clothes he removes when he comes back from a walk or to get take out - and throw them in the laundry - not because I am his slave or he is not capable but because then he can go straight to wash his hands and doesn't have to wash twice or traipse over to the washing machine. I am not teaching my son how to food prep/cook right now because i want the kitchen under my control (my husband gets his own meals -meaning sometimes on his own sometimes heating up stuff I've prepared) - I want it at a certain level of hygiene/sanitary -actually I do all the time but especially now -and I don't want my son putting a used/unclean knife let's say in the peanut butter jar because I am not shopping often enough to risk a jar of peanut butter. And instructing him in the particular covid-cleaning and food prep categories would make him more anxious and isn't typical of normal food prep.

 

Anyway I hope your husband will give you more space. I need more space too. We live in a small apartment and he hums/whistles tunelessly constantly -I'd asked him not to do that when I am eating (I eat three times/day plus a snack at night - and we have meals at the same time basically so I'm not asking much. But apparently I am. So because he's helping a ton more with our son I let it go. But it gets to me. First world problem -sure I guess but yes, cumulatively it gets to me.

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Netflix and chill with some episodes of "The Odd Couple". The real issues is that everyone is feeling the effects of being stuck together more now. People can't go out, are bored and are getting on each other's nerves.

 

Drinking, drug use, suicides and mental health problems are skyrocketing. The best thing to do is learn techniques for tolerating each other when everyone is home in the same space more and feeling frustrated. Picking a battle over cleaning is not a good use of your time or energy.

Well, no battles yet I just have a twitch in my eye for the past two weeks because I have been silent about it. No Odd Couple on Canadian Netflix 😉

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Back when I was living with my husband, I put a lot of effort to be "indifferent" to his mess, and do my deep cleaning twice a week. I understand it drives you crazy to see it as a constant in your home now, I probably will be too. It took me a lot of looking away to be at peace with myself at night before I go to sleep. LOL. Mostly he also got tired of my constantly reminding him aka nagging, something I hated doing, and cleaned up after himself. In the end I just had to accept it....pick and choose my battles.

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Can he clean up after himself?

 

It depends on what he sees as “ mess” . Our definitions of those things are not always in sync. He feels my standards are impossible. And I feel that he leaves crap everywhere. It’s been that way for 27 years of living together. Neither one of us wants to back down from that view.

 

And his parents were very tidy people. Not much into decor but tidy and clean. And his office at work is pristine not a thing out of place. But when he comes home he’s like a kit bomb. ( military term used to describe somebody that can’t get their crap together)

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Big picture thoughts first:

 

I think it's inevitable that the nature of this moment is going to do two things for relationships: highlighting the strengths, along with stressing, and exposing, the weaknesses. Almost like wearing very tight clothing—while, say, trying to walk a tightrope—it's going to reveal things that, in ordinary times, can stay a bit hidden, solved by work-arounds.

 

Less abstractly? This has been an issue for 27 years, as you've been aware of, but right now the way you've learned to live with it isn't possible. It will be, though, and probably soonish in the scheme of things, so perhaps there's a modicum of comfort that can come from that? The tight clothing, the tightrope: these are temporary states, not permanent ones. Along with trying to remember that—not always easy, I know, or at least not always soothing—I like the idea of seeing if the cleaning can be done while he watches sports. Short term fix for a short term situation, before being able to settle back into the dynamic that works longterm.

 

Feeling for you.

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Big picture thoughts first:

 

I think it's inevitable that the nature of this moment is going to do two things for relationships: highlighting the strengths, along with stressing, and exposing, the weaknesses. Almost like wearing very tight clothing—while, say, trying to walk a tightrope—it's going to reveal things that, in ordinary times, can stay a bit hidden, solved by work-arounds.

 

Less abstractly? This has been an issue for 27 years, as you've been aware of, but right now the way you've learned to live with it isn't possible. It will be, though, and probably soonish in the scheme of things, so perhaps there's a modicum of comfort that can come from that? The tight clothing, the tightrope: these are temporary states, not permanent ones. Along with trying to remember that—not always easy, I know, or at least not always soothing—I like the idea of seeing if the cleaning can be done while he watches sports. Short term fix for a short term situation, before being able to settle back into the dynamic that works longterm.

 

Feeling for you.

 

For sure the overwhelming issue is temporary and exacerbated. Thank goodness. The never ending cause is that we just see it differently because we were raised differently in that regard. We were both raised to be clean and tidy but expectations were different.

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