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Thread: Advice for cleaning when people are perpetually at home

  1. #21
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    Back when I was living with my husband, I put a lot of effort to be "indifferent" to his mess, and do my deep cleaning twice a week. I understand it drives you crazy to see it as a constant in your home now, I probably will be too. It took me a lot of looking away to be at peace with myself at night before I go to sleep. LOL. Mostly he also got tired of my constantly reminding him aka nagging, something I hated doing, and cleaned up after himself. In the end I just had to accept it....pick and choose my battles.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I can’t clean while he is all over the place messing up behind me as I go.
    Can he clean up after himself?

  3. #23
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Can he clean up after himself?
    It depends on what he sees as “ mess” . Our definitions of those things are not always in sync. He feels my standards are impossible. And I feel that he leaves crap everywhere. It’s been that way for 27 years of living together. Neither one of us wants to back down from that view.

    And his parents were very tidy people. Not much into decor but tidy and clean. And his office at work is pristine not a thing out of place. But when he comes home he’s like a kit bomb. ( military term used to describe somebody that can’t get their crap together)

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Big picture thoughts first:

    I think it's inevitable that the nature of this moment is going to do two things for relationships: highlighting the strengths, along with stressing, and exposing, the weaknesses. Almost like wearing very tight clothing—while, say, trying to walk a tightrope—it's going to reveal things that, in ordinary times, can stay a bit hidden, solved by work-arounds.

    Less abstractly? This has been an issue for 27 years, as you've been aware of, but right now the way you've learned to live with it isn't possible. It will be, though, and probably soonish in the scheme of things, so perhaps there's a modicum of comfort that can come from that? The tight clothing, the tightrope: these are temporary states, not permanent ones. Along with trying to remember that—not always easy, I know, or at least not always soothing—I like the idea of seeing if the cleaning can be done while he watches sports. Short term fix for a short term situation, before being able to settle back into the dynamic that works longterm.

    Feeling for you.

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Big picture thoughts first:

    I think it's inevitable that the nature of this moment is going to do two things for relationships: highlighting the strengths, along with stressing, and exposing, the weaknesses. Almost like wearing very tight clothing—while, say, trying to walk a tightrope—it's going to reveal things that, in ordinary times, can stay a bit hidden, solved by work-arounds.

    Less abstractly? This has been an issue for 27 years, as you've been aware of, but right now the way you've learned to live with it isn't possible. It will be, though, and probably soonish in the scheme of things, so perhaps there's a modicum of comfort that can come from that? The tight clothing, the tightrope: these are temporary states, not permanent ones. Along with trying to remember that—not always easy, I know, or at least not always soothing—I like the idea of seeing if the cleaning can be done while he watches sports. Short term fix for a short term situation, before being able to settle back into the dynamic that works longterm.

    Feeling for you.
    For sure the overwhelming issue is temporary and exacerbated. Thank goodness. The never ending cause is that we just see it differently because we were raised differently in that regard. We were both raised to be clean and tidy but expectations were different.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    It depends on what he sees as “ mess” . Our definitions of those things are not always in sync. He feels my standards are impossible. And I feel that he leaves crap everywhere. It’s been that way for 27 years of living together. Neither one of us wants to back down from that view.
    Maybe he can try backing down from his stance temporarily?

    Obviously, you guys have settled into your routines on the long term division of labor.

    But this is just the short term.

    If you present it to him as ONLY a temporary solution, and reassure him that things will return to normal in the near future, might it be more palatable for him?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by ChellyV
    Back when I was living with my husband, I put a lot of effort to be "indifferent" to his mess, and do my deep cleaning twice a week. I understand it drives you crazy to see it as a constant in your home now, I probably will be too. It took me a lot of looking away to be at peace with myself at night before I go to sleep. LOL. Mostly he also got tired of my constantly reminding him aka nagging, something I hated doing, and cleaned up after himself. In the end I just had to accept it....pick and choose my battles.
    Same exact thing here.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Well, no battles yet I just have a twitch in my eye for the past two weeks because I have been silent about it. No Odd Couple on Canadian Netflix 😉
    Lol I'm sorry, this made me laugh. Not an eye twitch! You know it's bad when an eye starts twitching!

    Like Wiseman said, I think we are all getting on each other's nerves more than usual, its not even unusual when you are stuck together unnaturally all the time. I've gotten annoyed at how perky my guy is all the time, really silly but it's just because I'm getting so so little time to myself and it's driving me crazy.

    But if the eye is twitching, maybe just let him know in a nice way you need a bit of time where he is off in the garage or another room or something for a while so you can clean, for your sanity. I liked the idea of sending him off with a snack, who would say no to that?!

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Sanity trade! If you'll do me the favor of staying out of the kitchen between x and y time, I'll do z for you.

    Bribery is the fine art of showing someone what's in it for them to give you what you want.

  11. #30
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    Can you set aside one room that is 'yours only' for the duration of the pandemic? As in, he does not go into that room to clutter it while you're forced to share space during the pandemic. If you feel start to feel anxious about the clutter in other rooms, just retreat to your special place and enjoy the peace and order there.

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