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Thread: Confusion???

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I know it's hard, but whether it's in dating, inside a relationship, or in the turbulence after a breakup, you have to respect that another person is allowed to feel whatever it is they're feeling. Might not always align with your feelings or what you want them to feel, but if you can't listen to the other person, and give them space to listen to themselves, you run the risk of negating their humanity, making them feel like a pawn on your chessboard rather than a person in their own skin.

    I say that generally, sure, but specifically in the context of how you responded when he told you he needed to think and in the days following that. I understand that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but you really didn't listen to him, or respect him. You were essentially asking him to validate and reward you for being a "hothead," to use your word, and then you got really hotheaded when he failed to provide that reward on your timeline. None of that was fair, as he put it, and I'd imagine that moment left a mark on him in addition to those other "pressures" that led to the foundation cracking.

    I don't say all that to punish you, but to just encourage some reflection here. Do you want to be a hothead? If not, is there any chance that this relationship was cultivating an edgy, impatient side of you that is unhealthy? If so, is that really someone you're best partnered with? If not, what steps can you take, right now, to work on getting that stuff in check, so in the future, be that a future with him or someone else, there is more room to listen than react impulsively? We don't get a lot of moments to reflect on our actions and reactions—on who we are, and want to be, in the world and in our skin—and maybe this time could be spent exploring all that a bit? Wherever this goes, can you see that as a gift to start opening?

    From what you've written, you seem to see that all his actions right now are about you, along with believing, in your core, that you understand his feelings better than he does. Was that how things were when you were together? Another question worth thinking about. Regardless, there is another lens to view this through that isn't so fogged by your feelings, wants, desires, jitters—the one in which he is just a person, making choices to heal and process. Those choices need to be respected, not personalized or controlled, which I think, ultimately, you're trying to do. He might not know what he wants or what he feels, whether it's being left alone "forever" or just needs "space." Putting words and feelings into his mouth is not going to bring clarity for either of you. That's basically yelling in an already noisy room.

    I have some happy stories I could share, I'm sure. But speaking for myself? My "happiest" stories of breakups are not measured in whether I got back together with someone or not, but in how I grew in processing hardship. I very much know the pain of really, really wanting someone back—and I'm sorry you're feeling that—but if you can give him space now and channel that pain into growth, I think you're going to find this leads to exactly what you want, or at least need, most, which is a spirit that is more settled than yours is at present. While right now you may believe being back together is the thing that will settle the spirit, in my observation relationships—be they new ones or reconciliations—work best when two people connect in a settled state, rather than lean on the other to quell whatever is unsettled.

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about all this.

    I know it's hard, but whether it's in dating, inside a relationship, or in the turbulence after a breakup, you have to respect that another person is allowed to feel whatever it is they're feeling. Might not always align with your feelings or what you want them to feel, but if you can't listen to the other person, and give them space to listen to themselves, you run the risk of negating their humanity, making them feel like a pawn on your chessboard rather than a person in their own skin.

    I say that generally, sure, but specifically in the context of how you responded when he told you he needed to think and in the days following that. I understand that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but you really didn't listen to him, or respect him. You were essentially asking him to validate and reward you for being a "hothead," to use your word, and then you got really hotheaded when he failed to provide that reward on your timeline. None of that was fair, as he put it, and I'd imagine that moment left a mark on him in addition to those other "pressures" that led to the foundation cracking.

    I don't say all that to punish you, but to just encourage some reflection here. Do you want to be a hothead? If not, is there any chance that this relationship was cultivating an edgy, impatient side of you that is unhealthy? If so, is that really someone you're best partnered with? If not, what steps can you take, right now, to work on getting that stuff in check, so in the future, be that a future with him or someone else, there is more room to listen than react impulsively? We don't get a lot of moments to reflect on our actions and reactions—on who we are, and want to be, in the world and in our skin—and maybe this time could be spent exploring all that a bit? Wherever this goes, can you see that as a gift to start opening?

    From what you've written, you seem to see that all his actions right now are about you, along with believing, in your core, that you understand his feelings better than he does. Was that how things were when you were together? Another question worth thinking about. Regardless, there is another lens to view this through that isn't so fogged by your feelings, wants, desires, jitters—the one in which he is just a person, making choices to heal and process. Those choices need to be respected, not personalized or controlled, which I think, ultimately, you're trying to do. He might not know what he wants or what he feels, whether it's being left alone "forever" or just needs "space." Putting words and feelings into his mouth is not going to bring clarity for either of you. That's basically yelling in an already noisy room.

    I have some happy stories I could share, I'm sure. But speaking for myself? My "happiest" stories of breakups are not measured in whether I got back together with someone or not, but in how I grew in processing hardship. I very much know the pain of really, really wanting someone back—and I'm sorry you're feeling that—but if you can give him space now and channel that pain into growth, I think you're going to find this leads to exactly what you want, or at least need, most, which is a spirit that is more settled than yours is at present. While right now you may believe being back together is the thing that will settle the spirit, in my observation relationships—be they new ones or reconciliations—work best when two people connect in a settled state, rather than lean on the other to quell whatever is unsettled.
    Thank you so much this is a beautiful response. I’ve been trying to remind myself daily that him not responding to me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with himself. I’m aware how I’m reacting is me trying to heal myself and not thinking of what he might need/want in this situation. When I say I’m hot headed it’s not a constant thing I am a fairly laid back individual and it’s one of the things he loved about me he appreciated that there was hardly any drama with me but due to my depression I have been struggling with keeping my emotions in check recently and yes I know it’s not fair to him. I’m going to therapy now and really working on myself, I suppose what I want out of this for him to not leave the relationship with a sour feeling, that person who left that day was not me I’ve had quite a lot of trauma to deal with in the past year (my uncle, nan and father all passing away and 4 of my childhood pets) and I’ve really manifested that into our relationship. I will continue to work on myself and just accept what ever happens will happen. I’d just love to in the future be able to speak with him and not look back on this break up and feel total remorse. He’s give me 5 beautiful years which I will always be thankful for and I do wish I would have handled the situation better. I suppose I can only show him this through actions and allowing him whatever space he needs regardless of how I might be feeling right now.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by princesspea1
    Thank you so much this is a beautiful response. I’ve been trying to remind myself daily that him not responding to me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with himself. I’m aware how I’m reacting is me trying to heal myself and not thinking of what he might need/want in this situation. When I say I’m hot headed it’s not a constant thing I am a fairly laid back individual and it’s one of the things he loved about me he appreciated that there was hardly any drama with me but due to my depression I have been struggling with keeping my emotions in check recently and yes I know it’s not fair to him. I’m going to therapy now and really working on myself, I suppose what I want out of this for him to not leave the relationship with a sour feeling, that person who left that day was not me I’ve had quite a lot of trauma to deal with in the past year (my uncle, nan and father all passing away and 4 of my childhood pets) and I’ve really manifested that into our relationship. I will continue to work on myself and just accept what ever happens will happen. I’d just love to in the future be able to speak with him and not look back on this break up and feel total remorse. He’s give me 5 beautiful years which I will always be thankful for and I do wish I would have handled the situation better. I suppose I can only show him this through actions and allowing him whatever space he needs regardless of how I might be feeling right now.
    I wish you well and hope you find the help and strength to heal and grow. The sad truth is, while he is responsible for his actions and his feelings are truly his, his actions may in fact have something to do with you.

    Being a hothead, overly reactive, overly emotional, unable to control oneself is draining to others. Every time a person accepts that behavior, they love the other person a little less, until the decision is to just get away from the person permanently.

    You sound truly remorseful and this a tough pill to swallow. But the good that comes out of this may be motivation to learn to control yourself in all situations. We're all laid back and cool when things go our way. If your knee jerk reaction is to say fine and slam the door, you can't expect people to be there when you decide you didn't mean it.

  4. #14
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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    Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.

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