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Thread: Was I wrong to tell his wife?

  1. #1

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    Was I wrong to tell his wife?

    5 months ago I met this man at the bar. Iím 22, heís 33.
    We quickly became good friends and bonded over both common interests and traumas. We would drink together daily but at the same time help each other. I suffer from BPD & PTSD and he was great support. He gave me a home when I needed a place to stay and even helped me land a job. While I listened to his stories and gave advice from my personal experience and mental health education. He was currently separated from his wife of 13 years (as per her wish) but I swear nothing ever happened between us. It was fully platonic. I even looked at him as the father I never had.

    2 months later he traveled back to his country. I started working and worked on curing my alcoholism. I went through painful detox and started taking my meds regularly and it was so worth it. I feel happier and healthier. I also inspired him to quit as Iím the kid of 2 alcoholics and Iíve been through it for 5 years myself.

    He told me his wife hasnt bothered to see him and one night she snuck in his room, (she lives somewhere else)and sent herself the Chats between him and every person he met here in my country, including mine. Though Iím sure she didnít find anything interesting as we were only friends. (He knew because she forgot to delete one chat)

    I was able to be ther for him, make him laugh, share stories etc. But then He broke our pact of staying sober and heíd get drunk daily again and call me, and woe about his problems mostly about her and that sheís not seeing him, And how sheís always trying to fight and use things against him. And Thay sheís cheating on him constantly and wants a divorce. So he had even asked me to talk to her. I refused as I said idk her and itís not my business to interfere.

    Now the situation escalated. Heís been threatening suicide 2 days in a row. Dead drunk, planning his suicide. His 5 year old kid in midst of his bottles. I panicked. I didnít know what to do. I canít speak to his parents as they canít speak English. His brother is the one who influences him to drink. So his wife is the only one I can report this to. I asked him for her number.
    I introduced myself to her: said I took her number from his as emergency contact, explained the nature of my relationship with her husband , and merely informed her That I fear for his life and to report his suicidal tendencies. As a psychology student myself too, I suggested to see a psychiatrist. And Iím informing her human to human

    She proceeded to attack me, said she ďdoesnít want to entertain third parties, Iím a stranger poking into personal issuesĒ and doesnít need advice from a stranger. She also said I didnít know facts and I should help him , not her.
    And starts bringing in her culture as opposed to mine (Iím european)

    I was shocked. I believe I did the right thing. What do you guys think? Or wouldíve done if you were in my place ? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Can you exolain more about the 5 year old? Were they with him?

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    While this situation maybe physically platonic it certainly isnít emotionally platonic. You both have crossed massive boundaries. It is very obvious his wife and he are still in an emotional entanglement. Which is their right as a married couple.

    While we need to care about otherís mental health and child welfare you have inserted yourself into a position of the emotional affair OW. You need to contact authorities in his country if you feel the child or he are in danger, not wifey.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Next time anyone does this, do not waste time. Call 911. Never play with people's lives or the welfare of children by playing social worker and chitchatting to people's estranged spouses..
    Originally Posted by Katie19
    Heís been threatening suicide 2 days in a row. Dead drunk, planning his suicide. His 5 year old kid in midst of his bottles.

    So his wife is the only one I can report this to. As a psychology student myself too, I suggested to see a psychiatrist.
    She proceeded to attack me, said she ďdoesnít want to entertain third parties, Iím a stranger poking into personal issuesĒ and doesnít need advice from a stranger. She also said I didnít know facts and I should help him , not her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Call child protective services and report that a child is in a dangerous situation, and tell them the man threatened suicide. And then remove yourself from his life. In AA, they advise members to avoid hanging out with alcoholics as you're more prone to relapse. If he helped you at one time, great, but you don't owe him anything. It was a gift that worked out, but now keeping in contact with someone in this toxic situation will do nothing but negative things to your life.

  7. #6

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    Umm Heís in a different country. I didnít know whom to call and I donít know his address. Just the city. I had no other alternative . He also told me no one is taking psychiatric cases at the moment

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Katie19
    Umm Heís in a different country. I didnít know whom to call and I donít know his address. Just the city. I had no other alternative . He also told me no one is taking psychiatric cases at the moment
    I would stay out of his life. At this point youíre doing yourself no good or him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok then stay out of their marriage. He has local family, friends, etc who can help him more than you can. By the way, when someone is suicidal and inebriated you don't make an appointment, you go to the hospital no matter what city, country.
    Originally Posted by Katie19
    Umm Heís in a different country.

  10. #9

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    Bruh your advice makes no sense. Where tf did I get Involved in their marriage I could care less. I was trying to save a life and I was looking for actual ALTERNATIVES not some cooked up bs

  11. #10
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    When you call someoneís spouse living with them or no and you have a highly emotionally charged relationship with their spouse you wonít be welcome.

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