Need help. Strange feelings towards friend

24, female. I have always considered myself straight, felt physical attraction towards guys, wanted to have romantic relationships only with men, have a boyfriend right now, etc.

There's this coworker at new job (24 f). When I first met her I thought she was quite geekish, but later I started seeing innocence and goodness in her, appreciating her girlnextdoorness (if that even exists). Now I got to know her a little bit more I'm overwhelmed by her sweetness. She comes to my mind during the day and I long to know everything about her. Sharing time with her makes me happy and gives me a warm feeling because of her cuteness, I want her to think I'm a good person who is worth being considered a friend. I could talk about this one girl for hours. I really appreciate when she is nice and friendly to me.

I feel some sort of fascination with her as if she was one of the female protagonists of the novels I write.

But I don't want to have any more than friendship in a dating sense (she has a boyfriend too, and I find it so cute rather than feeling jealous. I want to befriend her and know everything about ver love life and the men she likes). Neither I want to kiss her (To me the idea is just laughable and absurd). I don't want her to be sexually attracted to me.

She happens to be a natural hugger, and the new thing is that now I appreciate a lot her gestures of affection, physical or not. I know 100% she's also straight, which conforts me. But I like a lot when she's cute to me, and sometimes think about it later.

I also get for the first time of my life "friendship jealousy": I feel a little hurt when she meets other friends outside out group of mutual friends (I know this isn't healthy, but I keep it under control. What comes off as strange to me is the fact that I can feel like this)

All this feelings I get are really different to the ones I get when I like a guy (find him hot, want him to notice me and get jealous of the girls that actually get him). I don't feel she is hot. I don't even think she is particularly attractive. I just find her lovable I don't know why.

I think about her a lot and seem to like everything about her.

I've been freaking out about this for 3 months. I sometimes force to imagine myself in a relationship/making out with her to check whether I enjoy it. Many times, it doesn't feel right and I feel relieved. But it's like I can never be sure of the nature of my feelings and I need to ckeck compulsively, until I feel numb and don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I fear whether I would like it if it happened (kissing/relationship) in real life, but it's something I don't desire actively. I've shown patterns of OCD thinking before and don't know if it has to do with this.

Is this just friendship feeling that comes in a strong way? Might I be bisexual?

I've never felt this for a friend: with the rest of girls it is like: hey, you're fun to be with, let's get along. With her it's: You're so adorable it hurts...

It's like being in love without wanting to kiss/date, but just desiring further closeness and mutual knowledge and admiration...

TL;DR: I feel some kind of love towards new friend and don't know if platonic/friendly or gay. I think a lot about her, think she's so cute and enjoy friendship so much. I think I don't want to kiss/date her, but can never be sure

You have a bf, she has a bf . You are straight, she is straight. Could it be a girl crush?

I have always considered myself straight have a boyfriend right now, etc.

 

I feel some sort of fascination with her as if she was one of the female protagonists of the novels I write.

There are many kinds of love out there - love for your parents, siblings, grandparents, extended family, friends, even strangers on tv or characters in movies. My point is that most love/attraction/emotions that people feel for others aren't sexual in nature, but strong powerful and deep bonding emotions nevertheless. Not unusual for the bond of friendship to be stronger and longer lasting than a bond with a person's spouse that ends in divorce.

You seem to have met someone who is fascinating to you as a human being, a person you like and are drawn to. That's quite normal and consider also, that those intense emotions could be exaggerated by OCD as well as the current quarantine situation and stress from that as well. Lots of people are struggling with these kinds of thoughts. Nothing to do with your sexuality though.

It's envy you are experiencing. Possible you wish you could be like her is ways, idolize her maybe, you have put her up on a pedestal....like way up there. Her attention on you makes you feel good, special, important. And when it's taken away, you feel left out, feeling jealous, worry you don't mean anything to her (over thinking), etc.

This can be from having struggles that are current in your life, a feeling of low self esteem/self worth, or some kind of insecurity, not feeling good about yourself. Is there anything going on in your life personally that doesn't involve this girl?