How do I deal with my girlfriend who has avoidant personality disorder

- Background story:

I was born in Germany with Chinese ethnicity and she was born in Korea.

I have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 5 months. Before that, we talked for a year through phone and met four times as vacation. She started to like me when she was on the second holiday for 5-6 days. The next holiday was three months later, with the highlight that we had sexual intimacy, but we were not in relationship.

From there, we were so emotionally attached to each other through sending gifts and letters. That she even bought me a plane ticket to her country which I couldn’t afford at the time. During that time, so many things happened positively and negatively. I’ve noticed there were times where the mood swings up and down all the time. The main factor for having so many mood swings was we grew up in a totally different environment which different values. Most of the time, I just go with the flow and it worked most of the time somehow. From there we started to have a relationship.

We are now living apart and I would like to say that our relationship goes very well except for one thing: our discussions through phone. I would say we have one and two heated discussions every month. No matter how childish it might sound, we are both not competent enough to have discussions. Since both of us can’t supress our emotions and frustrations. Somehow, we are still able to improve day by day and I thought it gets better. Well not, until our discussion/ fight last Sunday.

- Main story:

Whenever I say something correct or incorrect. She often doesn’t argue back. And if she argue back after some pushing, the strength of the argument is weak. Or she avoids the question by saying nothing. Unlike me who always answer on all of her questions. Which frustrates me and then she use that moment to react emotionally. After that, we quit our discussion. I would say she is not open for having sensitive or heated discussions.

Few days after, she opened herself up by admitting that she has avoidant personality disorder because of her past. She wrote her story from her childhood to her recent relationship in Korean and will translate to English later on. Moreover, it wasn’t easy for her because it took five years to share this story to someone. Note: I’m sure whether I’m only one or not.

On the bright side, she promised that she has the will to change and I can do is showing understand and support her nothing else. I found it somewhat difficult because I’m not a person who sits back and wait. I accept that, just to show respect for her decision.

Today we’ve talked more and our conversation ends up really positively. We made compromises. After that, she also talked a bit about her story she wrote. Although there’s one part about her previous four relationships that was disturbing. Because she her previous sex experiences were “not satisfying”. Since sex is important for her. She set a certain standard with people she date and have “emotional connection” before entering the relationship phase. Surprisingly, size is important otherwise she will put you in friendzone. She even talked in a humiliating way that “it was small” and “he couldn’t erect, so I didn’t feel attractive enough for him”.

I tried to stay calm successfully. My D- size is on the smaller side, just below average and it bothers me after she talked like that. Even though she enjoyed back at the time. I’m unsure whether she faked it or not. Second thing that bothers me, the fact she “tested” me out before having relationship. Because of her “approval”, that’s one of the factors she decided to buy the flight ticket and I assume to “have more”. Funny thing though, she totally hate it when she felt being “tested” and “manipulated”. Hypocrisy isn’t it?

She also told that she had more than four bedpartners. Those were in times when she was single. I was totally surprised because whenever I talk about sexuality and “my desires”. She tends to avoid. On the other side, she is quite open for having multiple bedpartners. And how on earth can you be with people that easily when you have APD.

Overall, I’m really confused about everything. I feel I cannot trust her 100% but also can’t let her go.

Can someone give me any advice how to deal with her hypocrisy, trust and APD.

One thing that I can see in this is, would you be interested in learning more tools for de-escalating arguments? You say you’re both bad with not being able to do that and you can’t make her level up but you could. A psychologist or possibly even social worker could give you space to air your concerns and tools to manage your emotions better.

The other though that leaps out strongly is would you still want to date her if nothing changes?

She also told that she had more than four bedpartners. Those were in times when she was single. I was totally surprised because whenever I talk about sexuality and “my desires”. She tends to avoid. On the other side, she is quite open for having multiple bedpartners. And how on earth can you be with people that easily when you have APD. .

Because sexual intimacy doesn't necessarily equate to emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy tends to be what frightens those with APD, as I understand it. Having sex isn't always an emotional experience.

But I'm curious, has she actually been professionally diagnosed, or is this self-diagnosis? I don't know whether she has a real problem or if she's just emotionally immature, or just not that interested in having a deep relationship with you. She doesn't seem anywhere near as invested as you are.

To me, this appears to be a matter of incompatibility on many levels. You and she are very different and I am not sure whether a relationship is really all that feasible in the long run.

Few days after, she opened herself up by admitting that she has avoidant personality disorder because of her past If she isn't getting professional counseling for this, I wouldn't stick around when someone has a major reason they can't fully be emotionally available in the present.

When you're not happy in the present, don't waste time waiting around for someone to change, because most of the time that's not happening. Most people do have must-haves when it comes to sexual compatibility. The way she went into details was crass and a stupid thing to do. Those are things one should keep to themselves. As you see, it has created feelings of inadequacy in you. And if the fact that she would be open to more than one bed partner is the opposite of what you would do, that would ring a warning bell to me. Your statement that you can't let her go is inaccurate. You're choosing not to. Don't you have standards and know that she's not the only single woman in the dating pool?

My advice is to end an unsatisfactory relationship and date locally. You can't afford to go anywhere and there are so many more pros to local dating, and so many cons to LDRs. Good luck.

Sorry to hear this. Between the long distance and the massive cultural and language differences, it sounds like you are very incompatible. This does not automatically give her some armchair diagnosis. In fact you don't really know her or understand her culture and mentality well enough to determine anything except the lack of compatibility and communication hurdles.

Why are you pushing to ague with her? And if her past sexapades makes you feel inadequate...why indulge in that conversation? It's not her, it's you that's causing your own issues with your over thinking. Change the way you approach with her. Stop pushing her buttons.

You are not her therapist nor should you be letting her open the flood gates in great detail about her past. Are you a glutton for punishment? I bet money on it if you create positive (happy fun, whatever) conversions with her things will improve. Try and "catch yourself" when you start to go off the tracks , stop, take a step back, and think before continuing.

If you need an emotional punching bag, a place to vent, take up boxing or something physical.