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Mental health and sex


Rb1980

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Hello all,

Once again my mental health has caused me to analyse stuff that I really don't need to, but, in order to help clear my mind or give me answers I felt I should write it here and see what you all think.

My ex and I split 2 months back and this post doesn't relate to the split but more of an understanding of the mind.

She had a fair few sexual partners in comparison to me and she stated that she went through a patch where she would sleep with guys in an effort to make them like her. The guy though, more often than not, walked away once he got what he wanted. This then made her feel pretty low so the cycle would repeat itself as she would attempt to impress and gain the love of the next guy.

 

Is this a sign of someone that struggles with low self worth /self esteem? She has ocd and anxiety plus was in a relationship where the guy abused her (not physically) is it a sign of poor mental health?

I know I shouldn't even care but whilst I'm in this mindset I feel I need to process a lot of stuff to give me the best start at moving forward

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It probably is a sign of low self esteem and perhaps a lack of self respect. From what you have said she sounds quite vunerable as well. However that's about where it's at! For you to continue to analyse and overthink it is not condusive or helpful.

Accept that's how it is for her and other women that will give themselves to easily to men.

Compartmentalise it and work on moving yourself on.

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It probably is a sign of low self esteem and perhaps a lack of self respect. From what you have said she sounds quite vunerable as well. However that's about where it's at! For you to continue to analyse and overthink it is not condusive or helpful.

Accept that's how it is for her and other women that will give themselves to easily to men.

Compartmentalise it and work on moving yourself on.

 

Yeah I agree. I have retroactive jealousy and this kind of thing gets on my mind. I think it helps me understand her actions if I ask about it and then it helps me process the split too as I can see she isn't just some "easy" girl and that there e was actually a mental health reason behind that behaviour

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Are you asking because you're interested in studying psychology in general? Because otherwise it's irrelevant. Here's an example -for five months I dated and was over the moon for a "reformed" player type. He would have described himself that way. I don't think he ever loved or was in love with me. I made a mistake by getting too attached and by having sex with him which went against my values and standards. When he ended things I could have told myself it was because he had "commitment" issues - which he actually had had according to him in the past. But instead I chose to accept right away that he just wasn't that into me. That way when he called to see me again -to basically hang out and hook up -I didn't fall for him again and put a stop to it almost right away (yes we did fool around once or twice more but I realized what a bad idea that was).

 

6 months later he met his future wife. I never met her in person but she is prettier than me IMO and he actually wasn't entirely appropriate with her (meaning he would contact me over the years inappropriately) but he married her they had two gorgeous kids, very successful. Still married 15 years later from all I know -I stayed friends with our mutual connection -his brother. I healed and moved on so so much faster because I didn't indulge in this sort of analysis you are -didn't rationalize that if I could label it "fear of commitment" I could move on. I still felt a twinge when he fell in love with his future wife, when I heard they got engaged, etc. But I moved on because I accepted he ended things because people move towards pleasure and away from pain. Common sense. That the main reason someone ends a relationship like that is "not that into you".

 

I know many insecure and low self esteem people who are in happy marriages - because many people have that, it's a broad spectrum and often they meet people who complement (not compliment) them and can balance out the low self esteem - sometimes it's neuroses falling for each other LOL.

 

I'd move on from this sort of analysis unless you plan to study it in a formal program.

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Are you asking because you're interested in studying psychology in general? Because otherwise it's irrelevant. Here's an example -for five months I dated and was over the moon for a "reformed" player type. He would have described himself that way. I don't think he ever loved or was in love with me. I made a mistake by getting too attached and by having sex with him which went against my values and standards. When he ended things I could have told myself it was because he had "commitment" issues - which he actually had had according to him in the past. But instead I chose to accept right away that he just wasn't that into me. That way when he called to see me again -to basically hang out and hook up -I didn't fall for him again and put a stop to it almost right away (yes we did fool around once or twice more but I realized what a bad idea that was).

 

6 months later he met his future wife. I never met her in person but she is prettier than me IMO and he actually wasn't entirely appropriate with her (meaning he would contact me over the years inappropriately) but he married her they had two gorgeous kids, very successful. Still married 15 years later from all I know -I stayed friends with our mutual connection -his brother. I healed and moved on so so much faster because I didn't indulge in this sort of analysis you are -didn't rationalize that if I could label it "fear of commitment" I could move on. I still felt a twinge when he fell in love with his future wife, when I heard they got engaged, etc. But I moved on because I accepted he ended things because people move towards pleasure and away from pain. Common sense. That the main reason someone ends a relationship like that is "not that into you".

 

I know many insecure and low self esteem people who are in happy marriages - because many people have that, it's a broad spectrum and often they meet people who complement (not compliment) them and can balance out the low self esteem - sometimes it's neuroses falling for each other LOL.

 

I'd move on from this sort of analysis unless you plan to study it in a formal program.

Thanks for your reply. No I'm not studying anything to do with it.

I know it's irrelevant and I believe it's part of this retroactive jealousy. Things I can't control and things that don't matter enter a mind and don't leave.

I believe I just wanted an outlook from others as to whether her behaviour tallies up with people that suffer from anxiety/ocd/depressions etc as it would probably allow me to accept things a little more.

She was the sweetest girl to me, a self proclaimed grandma in her words - doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't go out much. Therefore when she told me she had that more promiscuous chapter of her life I was curious to know if its a trait of people with low self worth or a history of mental health issues.

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Some people use sex to self medicate, gain approval, etc....or just have fun.

She had a fair few sexual partners in comparison to me and she stated that she went through a patch where she would sleep with guys in an effort to make them like her.

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Maybe she just enjoys sex.

 

It doesn't have to make her "easy" or mentally unwell. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Some people just love the physically fun aspects of it.

 

We all enjoy it. She referenced it as something she regrets when we spoke about it and she told me how she would do it to try and impress a guy or make him want her more but when he didn't and called it off, she felt hurt and repeated the cycle until she found someone that did actually want her as a partner

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You're not clearing your mind, you're drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

This is what I see, in terms of the most relevant human psychology to understand right now. Accepting exactly this without any judgement—that, right now, you are choosing to deepen the hole you're in—might help you make different choices to exit the hole. Maybe it helps you learn to observe these thoughts as they enter you mind, along with watching them stroll back out with your validating them as so important.

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We all enjoy it. She referenced it as something she regrets when we spoke about it and she told me how she would do it to try and impress a guy or make him want her more but when he didn't and called it off, she felt hurt and repeated the cycle until she found someone that did actually want her as a partner

 

So, are you mostly here to validate your theory that she has low self-esteem?

 

It seems you've already drawn your own conclusions.

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So, are you mostly here to validate your theory that she has low self-esteem?

 

It seems you've already drawn your own conclusions.

 

No not really, I was wondering whether those traits are linked to mental health issues /self worth etc

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I agree with Catfeeder and Bluecastle. And consider - how would you like it if someone analyzed you in this way - a layperson you shared anecdotes with and how you felt at the time drawing broad conclusions. Sounds a lot like people who throw around the label “privileged “ to refer to groups of people who happen to have certain basic traits in common.

 

Or those who hawk the various snake oils and trendy diets jumping on the bandwagon of “what ? You can’t sleep at night and you feel anxious sometimes ? You must need (fill in name of essential oil etc). But what you’re doing is even more self serving “if I can only label her as abnormal or disordered then of course her ending things is because she’s a damaged person. It can’t be because she simply was no longer into me or wanted to be with someone else or had the dream of someone else”.

 

It’s fine to let fleeting thoughts exist. And not react in the way you are - to choose not to indulge in running with them and digging into the hole. I’ve had to do this several times already today in the 3 hours since my cranky son got up.

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No not really, I was wondering whether those traits are linked to mental health issues /self worth etc

 

Yes, they can be. I think you already know that, though.

 

But sometimes? People like to have sex. A lot of it. It doesn't always mean someone has problems with self-worth, though I can see you're trying to apply that idea to help soothe your pain. Why can't it be a little of both? Perhaps she has low self-esteem but also happens to enjoy having sex with different men. Different things can be true at different points in an individual's life, too.

 

The bigger issue now is to figure out how to stop over-analyzing this, and understand why you feel the need to make this a case of her poor mental health. Why she has sex with lots of men doesn't really do anything for you. How does it help you to believe that she has mental health problems which led her to sleep with different guys? Does it really make you feel better?

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There is nothing usual about this. Many people hookup, have coyote morning regrets or simply feel hurt if it ends right after sex.

she regrets when we spoke about it and she told me how she would do it to try and impress a guy or make him want her more but when he didn't and called it off, she felt hurt and repeated the cycle until she found someone that did actually want her as a partner.
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Yes, they can be. I think you already know that, though.

 

But sometimes? People like to have sex. A lot of it. It doesn't always mean someone has problems with self-worth, though I can see you're trying to apply that idea to help soothe your pain. Why can't it be a little of both? Perhaps she has low self-esteem but also happens to enjoy having sex with different men. Different things can be true at different points in an individual's life, too.

 

The bigger issue now is to figure out how to stop over-analyzing this, and understand why you feel the need to make this a case of her poor mental health. Why she has sex with lots of men doesn't really do anything for you. How does it help you to believe that she has mental health problems which led her to sleep with different guys? Does it really make you feel better?

 

Thanks for the reply.

I totally understand what you are saying. I have no idea why I get like this other than the retroactive jealousy thing which clearly I suffer from. Just trying to learn how to combat it!

I don't want to be thinking like this but I see myself comparing my life to others, believing it to be worse and then wondering why.

I also asked about the mental health link as when I was with her, we spent a lot of time talking about mental health as she struggled a lot with it and as she spoke about not being happy or proud of that section of her life I was simply curious to know if it was a common trait in people that struggled.

Apologies for asking such odd questions etc.

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I've always been under the impression that "retroactive jealousy" is more something that exists inside a relationship, not in the wake of it. Guess what I'm trying to say is: Can you just give yourself a break and accept that you're bummed to not be with her anymore, and feeling through that? The more you're label all this as something to "combat," or try to diagnose the underlying conditions in her psycho-sexual makeup, the more you risk turning some very universal human experiences into your enemy. They hurt, I know, but they are not out to get you or judge you.

 

People do all sorts of things and go through all sorts of phases they're not "proud" of and "regret" for a stretch, be it related to sex, eating habits, running away from overdue bills, whatever. Some of those thorns will be deeper in our skin at various times than others, as plucking them out is part of the business of being a human, and so when we connect with people we often share a bit about those thorns. Like: "I slept around a bit, but then realized..." Or: "I quit three jobs in a year, before understanding..." Or: "My anxiety was pretty consuming before discovering yoga..." And so on.

 

She shared some stuff with you, when you were together. You are not together anymore, but the imprint of that time remains, and right now it stings. It's okay. I could tell you all the science behind why your skin feels the way it does after a bee sting, but that's not going to lessen the sting. Time has your back on that mission, if you can hand the wheel over to time.

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Thanks for the reply.

I totally understand what you are saying. I have no idea why I get like this other than the retroactive jealousy thing which clearly I suffer from. Just trying to learn how to combat it!

I don't want to be thinking like this but I see myself comparing my life to others, believing it to be worse and then wondering why.

I also asked about the mental health link as when I was with her, we spent a lot of time talking about mental health as she struggled a lot with it and as she spoke about not being happy or proud of that section of her life I was simply curious to know if it was a common trait in people that struggled.

 

I suppose what I'm getting at is this: Let's assume for a moment that her previous sexual adventures and mental health are indeed related.

 

Where does that leave you? I am guessing it doesn't do much to relieve the jealousy, right?

 

My point is that you're tormenting yourself over a detail that isn't all that relevant in helping you heal. Deciding that having sex with lots of guys was because she has low self-worth doesn't advance your recovery.

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“if I can only label her as abnormal or disordered then of course her ending things is because she’s a damaged person. It can’t be because she simply was no longer into me or wanted to be with someone else or had the dream of someone else”.

 

Yep. If I can't identify something 'wrong' with someone who doesn't want me, then must there be something 'wrong' with me instead?

 

No. It just means that instead of making up stories of damage about another, you enjoy the liberation of accepting that most people will NOT view us through the right lens. That's just natural odds.

 

In our pursuit of the RIGHT match, we get to relax and learn who 'gets me' and who doesn't. Someone who'd reject you isn't your match. That only speaks of their limited vision rather than of any reflection on you.

 

Grasp this, and you can peace out.

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