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Thread: Mental health and sex

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    We all enjoy it. She referenced it as something she regrets when we spoke about it and she told me how she would do it to try and impress a guy or make him want her more but when he didn't and called it off, she felt hurt and repeated the cycle until she found someone that did actually want her as a partner
    So, are you mostly here to validate your theory that she has low self-esteem?

    It seems you've already drawn your own conclusions. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    So, are you mostly here to validate your theory that she has low self-esteem?

    It seems you've already drawn your own conclusions.
    No not really, I was wondering whether those traits are linked to mental health issues /self worth etc

  3. #13
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    I agree with Catfeeder and Bluecastle. And consider - how would you like it if someone analyzed you in this way - a layperson you shared anecdotes with and how you felt at the time drawing broad conclusions. Sounds a lot like people who throw around the label “privileged “ to refer to groups of people who happen to have certain basic traits in common.

    Or those who hawk the various snake oils and trendy diets jumping on the bandwagon of “what ? You can’t sleep at night and you feel anxious sometimes ? You must need (fill in name of essential oil etc). But what you’re doing is even more self serving “if I can only label her as abnormal or disordered then of course her ending things is because she’s a damaged person. It can’t be because she simply was no longer into me or wanted to be with someone else or had the dream of someone else”.

    It’s fine to let fleeting thoughts exist. And not react in the way you are - to choose not to indulge in running with them and digging into the hole. I’ve had to do this several times already today in the 3 hours since my cranky son got up.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    No not really, I was wondering whether those traits are linked to mental health issues /self worth etc
    Yes, they can be. I think you already know that, though.

    But sometimes? People like to have sex. A lot of it. It doesn't always mean someone has problems with self-worth, though I can see you're trying to apply that idea to help soothe your pain. Why can't it be a little of both? Perhaps she has low self-esteem but also happens to enjoy having sex with different men. Different things can be true at different points in an individual's life, too.

    The bigger issue now is to figure out how to stop over-analyzing this, and understand why you feel the need to make this a case of her poor mental health. Why she has sex with lots of men doesn't really do anything for you. How does it help you to believe that she has mental health problems which led her to sleep with different guys? Does it really make you feel better?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There is nothing usual about this. Many people hookup, have coyote morning regrets or simply feel hurt if it ends right after sex.
    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    she regrets when we spoke about it and she told me how she would do it to try and impress a guy or make him want her more but when he didn't and called it off, she felt hurt and repeated the cycle until she found someone that did actually want her as a partner.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Yes, they can be. I think you already know that, though.

    But sometimes? People like to have sex. A lot of it. It doesn't always mean someone has problems with self-worth, though I can see you're trying to apply that idea to help soothe your pain. Why can't it be a little of both? Perhaps she has low self-esteem but also happens to enjoy having sex with different men. Different things can be true at different points in an individual's life, too.

    The bigger issue now is to figure out how to stop over-analyzing this, and understand why you feel the need to make this a case of her poor mental health. Why she has sex with lots of men doesn't really do anything for you. How does it help you to believe that she has mental health problems which led her to sleep with different guys? Does it really make you feel better?
    Thanks for the reply.
    I totally understand what you are saying. I have no idea why I get like this other than the retroactive jealousy thing which clearly I suffer from. Just trying to learn how to combat it!
    I don't want to be thinking like this but I see myself comparing my life to others, believing it to be worse and then wondering why.
    I also asked about the mental health link as when I was with her, we spent a lot of time talking about mental health as she struggled a lot with it and as she spoke about not being happy or proud of that section of her life I was simply curious to know if it was a common trait in people that struggled.
    Apologies for asking such odd questions etc.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I've always been under the impression that "retroactive jealousy" is more something that exists inside a relationship, not in the wake of it. Guess what I'm trying to say is: Can you just give yourself a break and accept that you're bummed to not be with her anymore, and feeling through that? The more you're label all this as something to "combat," or try to diagnose the underlying conditions in her psycho-sexual makeup, the more you risk turning some very universal human experiences into your enemy. They hurt, I know, but they are not out to get you or judge you.

    People do all sorts of things and go through all sorts of phases they're not "proud" of and "regret" for a stretch, be it related to sex, eating habits, running away from overdue bills, whatever. Some of those thorns will be deeper in our skin at various times than others, as plucking them out is part of the business of being a human, and so when we connect with people we often share a bit about those thorns. Like: "I slept around a bit, but then realized..." Or: "I quit three jobs in a year, before understanding..." Or: "My anxiety was pretty consuming before discovering yoga..." And so on.

    She shared some stuff with you, when you were together. You are not together anymore, but the imprint of that time remains, and right now it stings. It's okay. I could tell you all the science behind why your skin feels the way it does after a bee sting, but that's not going to lessen the sting. Time has your back on that mission, if you can hand the wheel over to time.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    Thanks for the reply.
    I totally understand what you are saying. I have no idea why I get like this other than the retroactive jealousy thing which clearly I suffer from. Just trying to learn how to combat it!
    I don't want to be thinking like this but I see myself comparing my life to others, believing it to be worse and then wondering why.
    I also asked about the mental health link as when I was with her, we spent a lot of time talking about mental health as she struggled a lot with it and as she spoke about not being happy or proud of that section of her life I was simply curious to know if it was a common trait in people that struggled.
    I suppose what I'm getting at is this: Let's assume for a moment that her previous sexual adventures and mental health are indeed related.

    Where does that leave you? I am guessing it doesn't do much to relieve the jealousy, right?

    My point is that you're tormenting yourself over a detail that isn't all that relevant in helping you heal. Deciding that having sex with lots of guys was because she has low self-worth doesn't advance your recovery.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    “if I can only label her as abnormal or disordered then of course her ending things is because she’s a damaged person. It can’t be because she simply was no longer into me or wanted to be with someone else or had the dream of someone else”.
    Yep. If I can't identify something 'wrong' with someone who doesn't want me, then must there be something 'wrong' with me instead?

    No. It just means that instead of making up stories of damage about another, you enjoy the liberation of accepting that most people will NOT view us through the right lens. That's just natural odds.

    In our pursuit of the RIGHT match, we get to relax and learn who 'gets me' and who doesn't. Someone who'd reject you isn't your match. That only speaks of their limited vision rather than of any reflection on you.

    Grasp this, and you can peace out.

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