sad soulmate

my relationship of one year has had its share of good and bad moments. the first three months were spent long distance, and we both handled it very well. i moved closer to him for school and lived in my own apartment. he (27m) and i (22f) are living together now full time, and while it is great, i have seen an increase of arguments and disagreements.

when we have a disagreement, he is usually the one to start it, by what it seems to me as belittling me. he also resorts to name calling (“idiot”, “stupid ”, “dumb ”, “ing stupid”) and treats me like i am less than my worth. he talks to me like i am a child, imitates and mocks me, and tells me i am “ed in the head” if i do something as little as forget something he said to me or make a mistake like move something without asking. in the past, he told me i can’t make mistakes because he will kill himself or he says “you make me want to kill myself”.

in these moments, i feel like i can’t fight back or defend myself. i feel like my words are invalid so i resort to being silent, as my brain cannot even come up with the right things to say. if there are any right things to say. i also can’t tell if i am being gaslighted or not (which he has said “it’s not like i’m gaslighting you”). and in these situations, i feel like i am the root of them problem and he has done nothing wrong, or that is what he is saying to me in which fall to believe it.

after an hour or so of this, we are often quiet. he then admits he does those things out of love, that he only had love for me, and only wants the best for me. he admits he says stupid stuff, and knows it bothers me, but continues to do it anyway. he does support me and love me, and i can see that he does, but the way of arguing in his way is throwing me off. i don’t understand how my little mistakes can throw him into such a rage that i am now a “stupid ”. around half of these fights are in the evening, and i will sometimes receive an apology in the morning, as he tells me that he only has love for me.

i am lost and confused, as i know i have the love of my life and my soulmate (and he would say the same about me being his soulmate/loml) all in one person, but i don’t know why i am being treated as less. i feel belittled, small, and living in constant stress that one single move can result in another lecture on why i am childish, a terrible communicator, stupid, lazy, making me feel very word he throws at me.

overall, i am not sure how to handle this situation, what to say, or what to do. i do not want to leave or breakup, but i feel like i have to make changes to me to make the relationship better and to make him happy.

If he was really your "soulmate" he would never dream of calling you names and saying such despicable things. You don't want to leave him - why on earth not? He's like this to you and it's only been a year, so it's unlikely to get better and more likely to get worse. Is this how you expect a "soulmate" to treat you? You can sit him down and explain to him how you will not longer accept being belittled and insulted, but I imagine it'll fall on deaf ears because he knows full well that insulting you isn't on, but he does it anyway because he can.

The very last thing you should be doing is making changes to you to make him happy. If you have to do that, it's confirmation you're with the wrong person. Do you think he's ever thought about how he should stop calling you names and what he can do to make YOU happy? I doubt it, especially when you're putting him on a pedestal and allowing yourself to be treated like dirt.

i don’t know why i am being treated as less.

Because you're with an abuser, not a soulmate.

overall, i am not sure how to handle this situation, what to say, or what to do. i do not want to leave or breakup, but i feel like i have to make changes to me to make the relationship better and to make him happy.

You have to leave. Cut off all contact. Heal.

There is no other choice.

Does "soulmate" mean "punching bag" to you?

He's not your soulmate. He's verbally abusive and it could develop to physical. Look up online resources for abuse victims and start planning an exit.

Talk to friends, family and trusted adults about this. Make arrangements to move out. Read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Stop talking to him or defending yourself. Just leave the room, walk away, etc. until you can move out, make arrangements asap.

when we have a disagreement, he is usually the one to start it, by what it seems to me as belittling me. he also resorts to name calling (“idiot”, “stupid ”, “dumb ”, “ing stupid”) and treats me like i am less than my worth. he talks to me like i am a child, imitates and mocks me, and tells me i am “ed in the head”

(“idiot”, “stupid ”, “dumb ”, “ing stupid”)

This is anybody's signal to walk away. Whatever you stick around for after this makes no sense.

i am lost and confused, as i know i have the love of my life and my soulmate (and he would say the same about me being his soulmate/loml) all in one person, but i don’t know why i am being treated as less. i feel belittled, small, and living in constant stress that one single move can result in another lecture on why i am childish, a terrible communicator, stupid, lazy, making me feel very word he throws at me.

This is not love.

This clown is not your soulmate.

He is your abuser.

Out of love? That's not love. He's got some serious issues and he's treating you like crap. This is not love, it's ABUSE. Plain and simple. Dont tell me you love him, he's so not lovable. You need to get out of there asap, move back in with family or a friend, yes I know there's a virus out there but you cannot keep doing this to yourself. It's all BS when he threatens to kill himself.

You can do so much better. Soulmate? That's just ridiculous. He's an abuser.

Emotional abuse of this sort has a tendency to escalate, and by the same token physical abuse can eventually be right around the corner.

Rather than admitting that he's the problem, he's turning the tables on you...classic abuser. In short, when you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you've already forgotten your value.

Please give this some thought...

Calling someone stupid, a child, mocking them is not love.

He knows what he is doing. He using very romantic and dramatic words like soulmate, love of your life to manipulate you and to cover up the fact that he is an abuser.

Contact your family or a crisis hotline. I am sure they will agree, this is in fact abuse.

You should plan to leave, get a new place to live and leave behind his back, while he is at work or out of the house.

OP, he is not normal. this is not love. get out now.