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If anyone is interested in a long read and giving thoughtful advice, please read.

 

IÂ’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. We have been living together for over half of that time. We get along well, joke a lot and we are very loving and affectionate with each other.

However, when we first got together his ex whom he has two kids with became very rude towards me. She would message him insulting me. IÂ’m new to the area and no one knows me and she doesnÂ’t. So, she was only speaking out of anger. I never developed a relationship with her nor see her much because she just drops the kids off and they come in our house. It kinda bothers me that the relationship is awkward like this, but for the most part IÂ’m fine as she isnÂ’t around much. Only other issue I had was her coming into our house sometimes. Very early in our relationship, and even before my bf and I got together, she had a habit of wanting to come in the house and go in his room. She said she needed to use the restroom but would only want to use the bathroom in his room. My bf said sheÂ’d snoop a bit and whatnot. Because of that, and the issue I mentioned earlier, I asked him to not have her come in the house once we moved in together.

On several occasions she did come in and he did lie to me and said that she did not. He finally came clean once the kids mentioned unintentionally in small talk how they’re mom was over and they were hanging in the room with her. The kids are young. Under 8, but they've come to me a couple times saying “my mom says she doesn’t like you” and a few other comments. I reassure them that I don’t and I just let it go. I don’t want them to believe that I dislike her and end up feeling like I dislike them too.

My boyfriends brothers also lives with us. Recently, one of his brothers started to date the best friend of my boyfriends ex. This new girl and my boyfriendÂ’s ex are roommates. At first it was awkward but I didnÂ’t make a fuss of it. It was more so awkward because the brother would have her over our home but never introduced us. No big deal, just awkward having someone in your home that doesnÂ’t greet or talk to you. For the most part though they stayed in his bed room while she was over. Some time go by, and my boyfriend and I got into a disagreement. It was a rough patch we were in relationship limbo, broken up but we still lived together. He would ask to be intimate, cuddle and want to go places and hang out together. Basically saying weÂ’re broken up but trying to still act 100% like we were in a relationship. It was very heart breaking and confusing. During this time, everything just felt really off, and I ended up going into his phone to try and make sense of the disconnect. I guess I wanted to find something that would help me to let go and move on and not be strung along anymore. Of course, I find him messaging and flirting with a few girls. Even invited one over to hang out at our house while I still lived there. He told the girl I would be cool with it as him and I are broken up. Broke my heart to see him actually going as far as trying to have someone over while I still live there. I also found messages between him and his brothers girlfriend in his phone. She reached out to him and began talking about how she likes rough sex and that his brother isnÂ’t doing the things sheÂ’s like in bed. They go on and on flirting and sex talking and I stopped reading. It was enough for me. I confronted him the following day. I owned up to looking in his phone and asked him to please not have anyone over the house that he is dating or being intimate with until I or him move out and have our own place. I also asked him and his brother to please not have his girlfriend over until I moved out because I felt really disrespected by what I saw and I wouldnÂ’t want to come home and walk in on them being too friendly or intimate nor have my son who lives with us see this either as it would throughly confuse him as he is already 11 and mature enough to feel some type of way about such a situation.

The brother refused and the girl still continued to come over for some time. The brother said he lived there and could do as he pleases and that this was our problem, not his.

Eventually, my bf and I had a discussion and we somehow managed to work things out. The brother came around as well and put an end to his girlfriend coming over and he would see her by visiting her.

About a year has gone by since. They broke up and things got a lot better and less tense. During theyÂ’re break up though, she began to add all his friends and family on social media. Started to react and comment on everything posted. It became annoying to see her pop up on all the feeds of my social circle since I am friends with his family members that she was trying to make friendships with. Then, recently they ended up dating again. He found out that his citizenship application ran into issues and his documentation to work in the country became expired. He decided to date her again with the intentions of marrying and having kids in order to remain in the country legally again. Initially, he said he didnÂ’t love her but needs to do this. He wants to stay with her long term so he would always be there for the kids he makes with her. Even if they broke up he would be and that he also wants to have kids since heÂ’s getting older and sheÂ’s willing to have kids with him and marry him. That all neither here nor there, but for me, IÂ’m now in a situation where this person will be around all the time. Permanently. SheÂ’s also best friends with my Bf kids mom. So all these events involving kids especially now the two of them will be there.

It just all feels overwhelming to process and IÂ’m trying to move past it as my boyfriend apologized and I decided to stay with him. But, itÂ’s really tough. I want to be at a point where I still can own that they were wrong, but not have it affect me emotionally anymore. ItÂ’s exhausting thinking about all this stuff and I just want to feel safe and comfortable in my relationship. I donÂ’t want this to steal my joy.

I know I mentioned all these negative things about my bf and our relationship, but thereÂ’s positives however, I just didnÂ’t mention them because this dilemma is what I need help working through.

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You can't really do anything about his brother's relationship with her. I understand you're not a fan of hers, and don't want her around - but the brother is right. He can date her and marry her if he chooses. Not a wise choice by most standards, but hey. His life.

 

All you can do is work towards rearranging living accommodations so you don't all have to live together. That won't work well. But first, ask yourself if your boyfriend really meets your own standards for a relationship candidate.

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He needs to maintain a good co-parenting relationship with his kids mother for the sake of his kids. Can you move out? The situation seems much too crowded and conflicted for you to live peacefully in.

We have been living together for over half of that time. when we first got together his ex whom he has two kids with became very rude towards me. she just drops the kids off and they come in our house. I’m now in a situation where this person will be around all the time. Permanently. SheÂ’s also best friends with my Bf kids mom.
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The living situation is my bf and I and our kids along with my boyfriends brother.

 

We discussed moving into our own place at the end of the lease.

 

The brother’s girlfriend does not come over.

 

He is going to move out with her at the end of the lease.

 

My only problem is getting over the feelings of anxiety when my boyfriend goes over to his brothers place to hang out with them. I get anxiety because she crossed that boundary before of hitting on my boyfriend in my own home. I just can’t seem to forgive and open up to her and move on from this.

 

They have a close knit family. Her presence at my home or my bf at her home will be frequent. I just wish I could shake this and let it go.

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Me, halfway through reading this post: You should be OVER the fence and running for the hills.

 

You can do a lot better than this, seriously.

 

Your boyfriend's ex shouldn't be going through your room.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be lying to you.

People who visit your house as guests should have the courtesy to acknowledge your existence.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be giving you mixed signals about the status of your relationship if he's actively seeking out other female companionship.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be sexting his brother's girlfriend.

You shouldn't be living with roommates that don't respect you, especially when there is a child or children involved.

 

I don't know why you don't want this to affect you emotionally. It SHOULD affect you emotionally. Your emotions should be telling you to leave.

 

Everybody has positives in their relationship. Not everybody has such terrible negatives as these. This is really bad!

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You are the one putting your son in this horrible situation. You blame his ex, his brother, his gf etc etc... but they are just being who they are. You're the one who injected yourself into all this and subjecting your child to it.

 

You and your son need to move back where you were, with family, friends, or out on your own. Stop trying to run the show about how they all live. If it doesn't suit you, leave. It's that simple.

I wouldnÂ’t want to come home and walk in on them being too friendly or intimate nor have my son who lives with us see this either as it would throughly confuse him as he is already 11 and mature enough to feel some type of way about such a situation.

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He does not know this is happening nor hears about it. My concern was when my boyfriend and I broke up that time, that my son would see my boyfriend bringing someone he was dating over the house. I couldn’t find a new home and move overnight so we had to tough it out by living together until moving out was feasible.

We worked it out and got back together after that break up and we continue to live together now.

 

My son has his own bedroom and bathroom. We live in a descent sized home where everyone has their own room and bathroom.

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Yes, but there's no way your son isn't aware that his mom is struggling in some way, not feeling the support she needs. Kids are perceptive. People are perceptive.

 

I think you should use this time to save up for a new place, break up with your boyfriend, move out, and be alone for a while. Then find a guy you can trust.

 

You can't trust people who lie to you and go behind your back.

 

You can't trust them.

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I didn’t inject myself. He asked for us to move in together, I never pressured him to move in. We moved in a new home together, not his place. His brother also moved in with us. The issues didn’t come to play until a year after moving in together.

 

I moved to the state before I met my boyfriend for my career. So, I’m not near family and friends.

 

Thanks for your input. You may be right about leaving.

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Yes, but there's no way your son isn't aware that his mom is struggling in some way, not feeling the support she needs. Kids are perceptive. People are perceptive.

 

I think you should use this time to save up for a new place, break up with your boyfriend, move out, and be alone for a while. Then find a guy you can trust.

 

You can't trust people who lie to you and go behind your back.

 

You can't trust them.

 

You’re right. I guess that was my struggle - Trying to trust him again. I’m not doing a good job at it. Also, my ego is hurt.

Thanks for your replies.

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You’re right. I guess that was my struggle - Trying to trust him again. I’m not doing a good job at it. Also, my ego is hurt.

Thanks for your replies.

 

He's not behaving in a way for you to start trusting him. He's hanging out with a girl that he was sexting, even though it bothers you. Why should you be good at trusting him? You should be bad at trusting him!!

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