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Thread: 6 months later, still not over her. Worry I won't find anyone better.

  1. #1
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    6 months later, still not over her. Worry I won't find anyone better.

    Apologies in advance for the long post, I imagine many people have posted similar stories on here but I felt I just needed somewhere to vent.

    My ex(24/f) and I(28/m) of 1.5 years broke up roughly 6 months ago, initiated by her obviously. We argued a lot the last two months of the relationship and she ended things saying we were different people and she had fallen out of love with me. I understood her reasoning given the fights and different views, however, I also knew I had stopped taking interest and making as much as an effort with her, I tried to save our relationship and explain I would do better and I had become complacent but it was too late. We briefly saw each other for a couple of weeks after this, she reached out and admitted she wasn't completely sure of her decision, had been struggling herself and still had feelings for me but that ended and a couple of weeks later and it appeared she had moved on.

    I unfollowed her on Instagram and deactivated my Facebook account around 3/4 months ago, I have not had any contact with her for 4 months since I last bumped into her so have been trying my best to move on myself but it has been extremely difficult for me. I attended counselling and have been prescribed anti-depressants, I have recently increased my dosage due to COVID-19 as I am now more depressed than ever. I was beginning to feel slightly better about the whole thing prior to coronavirus, however, since I have been in lockdown for 40+ days and I live alone, I have too much time to think and nobody to speak to, it feels as though it is all coming back to me even more intense than previously. I feel like I am trapped in my own head, like I am in some sort of mental prison, she occupies my thoughts constantly which I know logically is stupid since she isn't thinking about me at all.

    I decided to start running last week to try and make myself feel better, on my first run I ended up running past her on a narrow pathway by chance, she was with a guy who is her new boyfriend and will have seen me too. I just stared ahead and pretended I didn't notice but it has been killing me ever since. I feel like everything is getting too much, I tried doing something for myself to ease the pain but I ended up by chance seeing her instead. Ever since, all I can think about is her and the new guy being together, sleeping together etc. I actually saw them kiss as I was running towards them, but I didn't realise it was my ex until I got closer as my eyesight isn't the best.

    I guess my question is; should I be still so upset over this after 6 months? What can I do to help me get over her, especially during a lockdown when I live alone and I feel lonely constantly? Why do I think about her constantly even though I know it's over and she now has someone else?

    I also have these constant thoughts that I will not find anyone better, that she was 'out of my league' and I ruined it by being lazy and argumentative - I struggle to forgive myself for my part in the demise of the relationship. I know logically there are millions of potential partners in the world but I can't seem to take the blinkers off, to me, she is still everything I wanted in a partner and I can't seem to shake it. I know a lot of people say this but she really was beautiful, she once got approached to model. I, on the other hand, am decent looking but nothing special by any means. She was so kind and sweet to me, we had a lot In common but ultimately did not share the same values in the bigger picture in her opinion. I rarely meet anyone I like and click with so much which makes this harder on me, I have only had two meaningful relationships in my lifetime, I'm worried it will take me a long time to find another.

    I feel like it is hard getting over this since there was no cheating etc, she was really good to me but felt we weren't compatible long term, so it is hard to hate her or anything to make it easier or focus on huge negatives to bring her down from the pedestal I have erected for her. I have tried dating but nothing has ever went past the first date, I rarely get matches on tinder etc and it just makes me feel worse. I feel like if I met someone else who I found to be as attractive, interesting, sweet, etc, I would maybe see all is not lost in the world and would be more positive in my thinking. However, due to lockdown, I am instead stuck home alone every week. How do I shake the feeling that she was too good for me and improve my self esteem? Do things feel worse than they are due to my isolation?

    I just want to feel like myself again, I've felt like a stranger in my own body for such a long time now it's exhausting. I would appreciate any tips on getting past the rumination of thoughts and general feeling of screwing up something good and not being able to think positively.

    I must admit, it does feel a little better to write this out and read it myself. Thank you for reading.
    Last edited by Jimmyjackson; 05-05-2020 at 12:43 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You are really glorifying her in your mind with all the complementary things you are saying about her and how pretty she is.

    Life right now is pretty boring for you due to the virus so you have too much time to ruminate over the breakup with this girl. Now you have seen her with another guy which is more fuel for your obsessive thinking.

    The anti depressants may be getting in the way of your healing, have you talked to your doctor or therapist about this? If not, perhaps you should. You can google for some online therapy too.

    If writing here helps, keep doing it!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Breakups hurt. And the corona virus and all the fallout is knocking the wind out of everyone. Good you are participating in self care such as taking prescribed medication, talking to a therapist and getting out and exercising.

    Use this time to reach out to people, friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, classmates, etc and ask how they are doing. Revise and reset all your a social media. Of course delete and block her and all her people and focus on people in your life.
    Originally Posted by Jimmyjackson
    I attended counselling and have been prescribed anti-depressants, I have recently increased my dosage due to COVID-19 as I am now more depressed than ever. I decided to start running last week to try and make myself feel better

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You will find better. If you can get one great girl, you can get another and this time you have more experience and some lessons learned.

    You're trapped in your head. Ride it out. Be kind to yourself, persevere and save yourself for better times. know that this pandemic is hard for everybody.

    Look into meditation and breathing exercises. They really can help you learn to cintrol your thoughts. essentially letting the thoughts come as they do, but deciding not to follow them down the rabbit hole. As you push the thoughts out, they come less frequently.

    give yourself time and a break. These things take as long as they take. And they will pass... trust yourself and have hope for the future.

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    The only tried and true way to completely get over your ex is lots of space and lots of time. Continue with No Contact and give yourself plenty of time to move on.

    May I ask why it is you ran past her "by chance"? Do the two of you live in the same building, or in the same neighborhood? Or perhaps, subconsciously, were you running in an area she frequents or an area the two of you used to frequent?

    If she lives in or around your neighborhood, I suggest traveling to a completely different neighborhood for your runs. Avoid any potential accidental run-ins with your ex by purposely going to areas she will not be wandering around in.

    I advise continuing with your counseling and also continue doing things that you love and that bring you satisfaction. Perhaps take on an indoor hobby that will help pass the time and take your mind off of your ex (writing, painting, sculpting, etc) As others have suggested, reach out to your family and friends for support.

    Given enough time and space, you will emotionally heal and begin to feel like yourself again. When that happens, you will once again be ready to date and potentially allow another person to share in your life. It is best to refrain from entering into another relationship before you have completely emotionally healed. A relationship should never be used as something to help fill a void, it should only be something you enter into when your life is full and complete and you wish to share it with someone else.

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You are really glorifying her in your mind with all the complementary things you are saying about her and how pretty she is.

    Life right now is pretty boring for you due to the virus so you have too much time to ruminate over the breakup with this girl. Now you have seen her with another guy which is more fuel for your obsessive thinking.

    The anti depressants may be getting in the way of your healing, have you talked to your doctor or therapist about this? If not, perhaps you should. You can google for some online therapy too.

    If writing here helps, keep doing it!
    It was my therapist who actually suggested the medication once my therapy ended. I only received six sessions through a work assistance programme, I am on the waiting list for further therapy but I was told it would be months and now with this pandemic I imagine it will take forever. I agree with the online therapy point, I will look into it.

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    You will find better. If you can get one great girl, you can get another and this time you have more experience and some lessons learned.

    You're trapped in your head. Ride it out. Be kind to yourself, persevere and save yourself for better times. know that this pandemic is hard for everybody.

    Look into meditation and breathing exercises. They really can help you learn to cintrol your thoughts. essentially letting the thoughts come as they do, but deciding not to follow them down the rabbit hole. As you push the thoughts out, they come less frequently.

    give yourself time and a break. These things take as long as they take. And they will pass... trust yourself and have hope for the future.
    You are right about if I can find one, I will find another. I guess because I don't have any options at the moment and see her happy with another guy, I just feel hopeless about my current situation.

    My work have offered free 'Headspace' licenses for employees, I've applied for one of these!

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    Originally Posted by JenCrowley
    The only tried and true way to completely get over your ex is lots of space and lots of time. Continue with No Contact and give yourself plenty of time to move on.

    May I ask why it is you ran past her "by chance"? Do the two of you live in the same building, or in the same neighborhood? Or perhaps, subconsciously, were you running in an area she frequents or an area the two of you used to frequent?

    If she lives in or around your neighborhood, I suggest traveling to a completely different neighborhood for your runs. Avoid any potential accidental run-ins with your ex by purposely going to areas she will not be wandering around in.

    I advise continuing with your counseling and also continue doing things that you love and that bring you satisfaction. Perhaps take on an indoor hobby that will help pass the time and take your mind off of your ex (writing, painting, sculpting, etc) As others have suggested, reach out to your family and friends for support.

    Given enough time and space, you will emotionally heal and begin to feel like yourself again. When that happens, you will once again be ready to date and potentially allow another person to share in your life. It is best to refrain from entering into another relationship before you have completely emotionally healed. A relationship should never be used as something to help fill a void, it should only be something you enter into when your life is full and complete and you wish to share it with someone else.
    No it was pure chance, she lives a 10/15 minute walk (last I knew), she was walking right around the corner from my building, I hadn't ventured far. It just upset me that of all days, all times to go running, that happened! Bad luck.

    I am on the waiting list for further counselling, I imagine it will take a long time due to the pandemic. Yes I have tried to put focus into things but I guess my mind just wanders so much, it's difficult.

  10. #9
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    Hey OP,
    I just want to say your post hit me. The way you describe it is exactly how I have been feeling. The people of this forum are amazing with their advice and guidance. They have helped give me insight into my situation and whilst sometimes I can't shake it off, other times I can.
    My mind is in a fairly similar state to yours at the moment and I find my head filling with thoughts of my ex, what she might be doing and who with etc. For me it's just been over 2 months and lockdown has definitely made things more challenging.
    My words of advice would be find things to deviate your mind, if only for small parts at a time. I have started an online course and do a mini workout each morning. I then write articles to submit to various sites that need contributors. Whilst this doesn't take my whole day, it gives me a degree of focus for a while.
    Sure I then slip back into thinking about her and hoping she will reach out to me but as each day goes by I can feel the more rational part of my mind telling me that I can't change anything and if she wants to make contact she will.
    It's tough and one thing the people on here have taught me is that you will find yourself only looking back at the good times of the relationship and elevating them to a level that in reality they weren't. If you look at the negative elements too, it may help make you see that it wasn't as great as you thought and that more opportunity is out there for you.
    Best of luck

  11. #10
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    It really is an awful time for you! Especially with the prospect of running in to your ex. 10 years ago I was in the same/similar situation as yourself, my wife lived 1/2 a mile away and a woman I'd completely fallen in love with lived a couple of miles away. We had a very brief relationship after my loveless marriage broke up. I used to get up at 6am and do a 5K run before most folk were up and about. Then my ex wife moved on pretty quickly and found a new guy & the same with my ex girlfriend. Horrible time...like yourself anti-depressants and drink to take the pain away.
    You wake up thinking about them and go to bed thinking the same. Time really is the only healer and getting out on dates helped me with the loneliness.
    The first thing is finally accepting that she is never coming back and removing all trace of her. Gifts, photos etc.
    I found going on dates got me out of the flat and really helpful just to talk to someone. Looking back perhaps I had no intention of a relationship just a few hours company. They say it takes at least a couple of years to get over a break up, I think it was about that for me certainly for the acute stage. 5 years on I still thought about her. 10 years now and in a stable relationship.
    I passed my ex girlfriend in a car a few weeks ago and got a little flip in my gut but you do get to the point where get past it and manage to get on with your life. Work on yourself and get out there. Don't buy in to this 'if it comes along bull' you have to change it make it happen...good luck dude.

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