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Thread: 6 months later, still not over her. Worry I won't find anyone better.

  1. #11
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    I think one of the things I seem to struggle with the most was when we were together, I often thought about other girls and lost interest in sleeping with her etc. As I said in my initial post, I stopped making effort for the last 2/3 months and became argumentative - surely I was that way for a reason? Ever since she ended it, I'm trying to rack my brain to understand why I felt that way then but it's still foggy. Why would I go the complete opposite way once she ended it? Is it my ego talking, the feeling of rejection? How can I try and remember my mindset prior to the breakup, when I felt irritated by her a lot?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jimmyjackson
    I think one of the things I seem to struggle with the most was when we were together, I often thought about other girls and lost interest in sleeping with her etc. As I said in my initial post, I stopped making effort for the last 2/3 months and became argumentative - surely I was that way for a reason? Ever since she ended it, I'm trying to rack my brain to understand why I felt that way then but it's still foggy. Why would I go the complete opposite way once she ended it? Is it my ego talking, the feeling of rejection? How can I try and remember my mindset prior to the breakup, when I felt irritated by her a lot?
    it could be ego... our egos are pesky little buggers that mess with our happiness.

    I am all for self introspection, almost to a fault. Where I always think its me, not them... but that's another thread

    And I have seen this dynamic in others. wanting to break up, until their partner does. Its gotta be very human.

    One thing, I mentioned before about mediation and controlling your thoughts, goes hand in hand with also flipping the script. And telling yourself you don't care for her anymore, you're glad its over because you were annoyed with her.

    It sounds ridiculous. I know but it beats beating yourself up over something you know is over, that you will recover from and frankly, your ego is being a baby no one is so great, you can't do better... And that's what you have to remember.

    Our brains believe what we tell them.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    it could be ego... our egos are pesky little buggers that mess with our happiness.

    I am all for self introspection, almost to a fault. Where I always think its me, not them... but that's another thread

    And I have seen this dynamic in others. wanting to break up, until their partner does. Its gotta be very human.

    One thing, I mentioned before about mediation and controlling your thoughts, goes hand in hand with also flipping the script. And telling yourself you don't care for her anymore, you're glad its over because you were annoyed with her.

    It sounds ridiculous. I know but it beats beating yourself up over something you know is over, that you will recover from and frankly, your ego is being a baby no one is so great, you can't do better... And that's what you have to remember.

    Our brains believe what we tell them.
    Yes I think you're very right. I will try to remind myself 'not to care', it just isn't easy. Despite her warning me about a month or two prior to the breakup that she was struggling to deal with my low mood etc and wasn't sure how long she could take it, I still didn't change. I obviously felt that way for a reason at the time but even 6 months later I still can't figure out why. It's frustrating.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Maybe it was time for it to fall apart, so you passively let that happen? Sometimes known as 'the fade' or the 'invitation to leave' approach. Just neglecting it, like letting a plant die by not watering it, but not actively killing it.
    Originally Posted by Jimmyjackson
    lost interest in sleeping with her etc. As I said in my initial post, I stopped making effort for the last 2/3 months and became argumentative

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Maybe it was time for it to fall apart, so you passively let that happen? Sometimes known as 'the fade' or the 'invitation to leave' approach. Just neglecting it, like letting a plant die by not watering it, but not actively killing it.
    That makes sense, subconsciously letting it happen. But why have I felt so terrible these last 6 months if some part of me wanted out anyway?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for your hurt, friend.

    I've found myself in similar shoes, as have many. You're in good company right now, in other words, and maybe try to greet all these feelings from time to time by remembering that. This ride you're on? It's a very human one, turbulent as it is at the moment.

    Call it ego, call it what you will, but I think it's pretty natural for us to suddenly want what we can't have. My last long relationship? I'd have to spin quite a self-serving story to describe myself as "all in" throughout most of it. When she started pulling away? Boom: I became about the most attentive and caring—read: panicked—man on the planet. And not getting that rewarded, as I'd have liked, at least in the moment? It added another layer to the hurt—the very real and human layer I believe the DSM calls "butt hurt." Is what it is, and it's very real pain.

    Speaking for myself, in hopes you find something that resonates, I eventually found some comfort, or maybe just clarity, in flipping back to my head- and heartspace before the bombs started going off and accepting that that was the truth, the truth of my feelings, for her and inside the relationship. And the hard truth about that truth? Well, perhaps like you, it wasn't what I wanted to feel inside a relationship, let alone who I wanted to be for another person, and as such it kind of affirmed that letting go and forgiving myself was the only path to find my way toward something, and someone, in which I could offer more and feel more.

    It's a journey, all that, one that right now may feel a bit like a car crash, or maybe just a car stalled out at the base of a very steep hill. That's okay. Six months is still pretty fresh, this covid biz we're reckoning with is a lot, and I'm not sure if there's a human being walking earth who doesn't get a little thrown when they jog past someone they were once with sharing space with someone new.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jimmyjackson
    Yes I think you're very right. I will try to remind myself 'not to care', it just isn't easy. Despite her warning me about a month or two prior to the breakup that she was struggling to deal with my low mood etc and wasn't sure how long she could take it, I still didn't change. I obviously felt that way for a reason at the time but even 6 months later I still can't figure out why. It's frustrating.
    Maybe try to stop trying to figure it out. I went through that in the past. the why's of it all.

    I have discovered we don't always see why, until much later in life and then its so clear "I needed to go through that to get to here".

    Try looking forward, that's where the good stuff is, not behind you. Trust your journey.

    ps... i know its not easy. worthwhile things rarely are. keep trying!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Maybe try to stop trying to figure it out. I went through that in the past. the why's of it all.

    I have discovered we don't always see why, until much later in life and then its so clear "I needed to go through that to get to here".

    Try looking forward, that's where the good stuff is, not behind you. Trust your journey.

    ps... i know its not easy. worthwhile things rarely are. keep trying!
    Yes you're right, COVID-19 has given me too much time to think!

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for your hurt, friend.

    I've found myself in similar shoes, as have many. You're in good company right now, in other words, and maybe try to greet all these feelings from time to time by remembering that. This ride you're on? It's a very human one, turbulent as it is at the moment.

    Call it ego, call it what you will, but I think it's pretty natural for us to suddenly want what we can't have. My last long relationship? I'd have to spin quite a self-serving story to describe myself as "all in" throughout most of it. When she started pulling away? Boom: I became about the most attentive and caring—read: panicked—man on the planet. And not getting that rewarded, as I'd have liked, at least in the moment? It added another layer to the hurt—the very real and human layer I believe the DSM calls "butt hurt." Is what it is, and it's very real pain.

    Speaking for myself, in hopes you find something that resonates, I eventually found some comfort, or maybe just clarity, in flipping back to my head- and heartspace before the bombs started going off and accepting that that was the truth, the truth of my feelings, for her and inside the relationship. And the hard truth about that truth? Well, perhaps like you, it wasn't what I wanted to feel inside a relationship, let alone who I wanted to be for another person, and as such it kind of affirmed that letting go and forgiving myself was the only path to find my way toward something, and someone, in which I could offer more and feel more.

    It's a journey, all that, one that right now may feel a bit like a car crash, or maybe just a car stalled out at the base of a very steep hill. That's okay. Six months is still pretty fresh, this covid biz we're reckoning with is a lot, and I'm not sure if there's a human being walking earth who doesn't get a little thrown when they jog past someone they were once with sharing space with someone new.
    You're right, I can rack my brain as much as I'd like but truth be told, I felt that way for a reason even if it isn't clear now. Thank you for your comment.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jimmyjackson
    Yes you're right, COVID-19 has given me too much time to think!
    you're not alone in that either!

    Take comfort, no one is living their best life right now... However, we must endure for better times.

    do puzzles with good music in the background, start planning a summer garden, even if its just a window box, order some legos, be creative. wjat did you like to do as a kid?

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