What should I do?

I have experienced a few really hard problems with a woman Ive been in a serious relationship with, problems I have never faced before and they've been eating me up inside.

So Ive been dating this woman via serious committed relationship since the beginning of January. I asked her out officially in February.

Heres the biggest problem I have. In the course of our relationship she did something really really bad to me and I have been struggling with processing it and deciding whether I should forgive her and continue a relationship or cut my losses and move on.

One day while I was helping her fix some cabinetry in her bathroom, I found some condoms, for our own reasons we haven't used any. I saw that they were trojan magnums and trying to make a lighthearted joke asked her somewhat sarcastically "you can take a magnum dong eh?". She replied instantly with "YEAH! Theres a video of him and me too! Want to see it?".

So a little back ground, I'm a military veteran combat arms branch and sustained several severe injuries to my body that has made it difficult getting it up and keeping it up at times, and it really played havoc with my self esteem, libido and ability feel like myself.

She knew this because I had discussed it with her previously and I had never felt more disrespected and at the same time had never been in a situation like this. I felt like she didn't care and that she had violated my trust in her.

Earlier in the week she was honest with me and said she had found some pics of her and previous ex on her tablet and computer and deleted them. She briefly described the partner and it was not this particular individual in the video she flippantly blurted at me.

Well I told her what she said bothered me tremendously and she started to profusely apologize.

What she didn't do was immediately take any actions to delete the video which in my opinion was directly warranted as way of making amends. I know if the roles were reversed, Id do that immediately.

So a couple days go by and I decided to confront her about it. I asked to see the file and asked her to show me her deleting it.

Well she not only refused, but started gas lighting me telling me I was insecure and that it was none of my business. I had previously told her that her previous relationships were none of my business until she made it my business and well, she did make it my business. Im a man of my word!

So a huge fight broke out, I ended up leaving, and the next day she called the guy she was in the video with, got the video and sent it to me. (She could have been decent the night before and looked for it and shown me it was deleted).

She apologized profusely for doing that a few days later. And I had real feelings for her and decided to get back with her.

However, what I saw in the video, and her action of sending it to me has completely undermined my trust in her. If she can do that, she can lie and cheat on me, and because of me living an hour away from her, Id never know, until it was too late.

While she has continued to apologize for doing what she did, I cant unsee that video and I don't know how to trust her again.

Should I do my best to patch things up with her? Or should I leave her and cut all ties?

For your mental health & well being it's time to bring this relationship to an end. You want to be with someone that makes you feel valued not a person that hangs on to a video of herself with her magnum dong ex! Why would she or anyone do that? As you said you can't unsee what you saw. Of course when we meet someone they will have previously had a sex life with other people but that's yesterday surely it's their tomorrows your interested in. The fact that your here is testament enough, all this will always be at the back of your mind.

Sorry to hear this. She sounds a bit wacky and kinky. Maybe she's been around the block too many times, who knows? Get tested for STDs and ask the doctors for help with the ED.

Between her inappropriateness and the distance, it may be best to just cut her loose. You only wasted a few mos, so it would be easier to date local women.

Ive been dating this woman via serious committed relationship since the beginning of January. living an hour away from her,

 

Theres a video of him and me too! Want to see it?". difficult getting it up and keeping it up at times, and it really played havoc with my self esteem, libido and ability feel like myself.

 

the next day she called the guy she was in the video with, got the video and sent it to me.

You lashed out at her first with your snarky remark, and she matched that with her own. You're both at fault. I'm sorry about your injuries. It might be best if you stay single until your self esteem is restored, because subconsciously you will choose, and will attract, women who you think you're worthy of, which isn't much at the moment.

Too much bitterness to deal with at only months in, which would take an enormous amount of relearning communication skills on both of your parts to fix the relationship, if that's even possible. I'd end it and be alone, working on your physical and mental health. Take care.

Before I begin: I'm so sorry about your injuries.

Now:

You're fixated on this video, but it's really not the problem.

It seems to me that you are (understandably) struggling with your self esteem after suffering injuries.

You said something disrespectful to your girlfriend, probably borne out of your new self esteem issues.

>>> "you can take a magnum dong, eh?"

Seriously, dude?

She shut you down pretty fast, and with about as much respect as you showed her.

Sorry that hurt. But I'd have done the same thing if someone said something like that to me.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it. That's the rule.

When your girlfriend found out that you felt bothered, she apologized profusely.

I don't see why you're so preoccupied with this video.

The fact is, she is with you. If your injuries were a big deal to her, she wouldn't be with you. Her immediate and vehement apology to you shows that she does care.

Deleting the video isn't going to shrink the guy's big dong, or erase the fact that she and he were together.

Everybody has a past, including you.

She's right, you are being insecure. Life actually isn't about penises.

Your insensitive and rude remark backfired on you.

It came from a place of insecurity, not strength. Therefore, you weren't prepared for the backlash from her--which I think was appropriate, frankly..

You've insecurely nosed your way into her business. And now you've gone and made things even worse for yourself by watching the video.

You clearly have a lot more healing to do. I don't know if this relationship is going to survive it. But that doesn't mean you will never find happiness in a relationship.

I think it will help you to revisit your original post in a year or two from now, and reflect on the logic of the choices that you made here.

Don't dish out what you can't take? You jumped on her in a way that was snarky and immature and she fired back accordingly. If you want to address something that concerns you, maybe opt to talk about it more directly and calmly.

She is right that seeing that video was none of your business and not something you should have demanded or even asked for, let alone watch. As you can see, now you can't unsee what you've seen and it's damaging to you. Nobody's doing but your own here.

You also have no right to demand that a partner delete their past, be it photos, videos, etc. That is controlling and insecure behavior on your part. Granted, lots of people out there will go around and purge everything so perhaps you need to find a woman who is like that. In other words, someone who sees eye to eye with you about things like that and no discussions are needed.

As for your injuries, I'm sorry for what you went through and what you have to live with. However, learning to accept yourself as you are and love yourself is on you. Nobody can make you feel good about yourself, confident and secure in your own skin but you. Somehow you have to get it through your head that when a woman agrees to date you or be in a relationship with you, she is simply good with who and how you are. The critic is in your own head, not hers. However, if you are going to let that toxic critic come out with snarky comments and picking fights....expect a fight back. In short, don't walk up to someone, punch them in the nose and then cry that they beat you into a pulp for it.

Overall, I don't think this relationship has much of a chance, simply because I don't see how you can forget what you saw or get past it. Probably best to part ways and think long and hard about what I said above. Deal with your inner critic and learn how to shut him up, because that's going to wreck a lot of relationships for you.

She didn't gaslight you...she's right, you are insecure, and yes it's none of your business to view those photos/video or otherwise. Why she burst out about the video? because she was pissed at you for your insecure comment about the condoms. I found your fishing for answers comment rude...it was passive/aggressive. Should have handed her the condoms or tossed them in the garbage without a word. I agree your remark came from a place of insecurity not strength. The problem lies within you not her. It's like you are on the attack and you are trying to wrangle up supporters on here. You are just not ready for a commitment, dealings with ones past or communicating properly.

WHY did you watch the video???