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Thread: Friend back with abusive ex

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    They say you should never tell an abused person what to do...for that takes away their power/control over themselves. To empower them is to let them make their own decisions.
    That's really interesting and it makes sense to me. They don't need to be controlled by someone else (even if the intention is completely benevolent), they need to be able to take control.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    To empower them is to let them make their own decisions. So when she is ready to leave, that will be her decision to contact you ask for help.
    Most definitely. That's one thing I've learned after having another friend gone through the same thing a long time ago... that you have to say things in the context that they're in charge of their decisions. Phrase things in a way so that they're reminded they still have agency.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    At work we call it "leading with a positive"
    I feel good. I sent my text and took the "leading with a positive" advice in the wording. Kept it short and sweet. "Have concerns as a friend...want you to be happy...understand your decision...let me know if you need help." Something like that. It's a huge relief to just send that out and let it be that. I definitely feel more empowered this time around to maintain my own boundaries. If she needs help actually leaving the person (safety planning, moving, etc), I'll help (but not on my own). Beyond that, I'm just going to do me.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by stella m
    Most definitely. That's one thing I've learned after having another friend gone through the same thing a long time ago... that you have to say things in the context that they're in charge of their decisions. Phrase things in a way so that they're reminded they still have agency.



    I feel good. I sent my text and took the "leading with a positive" advice in the wording. Kept it short and sweet. "Have concerns as a friend...want you to be happy...understand your decision...let me know if you need help." Something like that. It's a huge relief to just send that out and let it be that. I definitely feel more empowered this time around to maintain my own boundaries. If she needs help actually leaving the person (safety planning, moving, etc), I'll help (but not on my own). Beyond that, I'm just going to do me.
    Yay good post^^^

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