Confused and naive

Hey...

I suppose I already know the answer, but would appreciate some gentle opinions.

I met a guy through a charity we work with, we chatted for a while, long story short, had lots in common etc.

We agreed on a date...met, had a wonderful evening...But we slept together...I think it was to soon, now thinking about it..and I’ve never done that...it just felt right, and was an amazing night.

We carried on talking and agreed to see each other again, we have lots in common, and he’s always saying things like, you really get me, I’m flattered to be around you, proud when we are out, love what we have etc.

I like the guy. And am starting to feel really connected to him.

Problem?

I think he’s in it just for sex...

I asked him before meeting him again, that I can’t do just sex with someone..and that I feel I can’t open up with someone I’m just sleeping with, so I don’t do it...I told him I like him, but he’s emotionally unavailable...he said he understood and agreed, and sorry for the confusion etc.

I deleted his number, and straight away he asked why I did that! I told him that I don’t want the temptation of calling him.

He was pissed off with me for that.

When we do agree to meet, the week or so leading up to it, it’s lots of messages until the meet, then, nothing, and then a couple. Sometimes it’s been two weeks, no contact!

So that’s why I stopped.

A few weeks ago, he messaged...saying it’s a shame we can’t meet...we started talking...

I asked why he got in contact, he said, he tried to draw a line under us, but it didn’t feel right.

So we agreed to meet for dinner. ( before lockdown)

Before that we was chatting and he was saying how he couldn’t wait to hold me..kiss me lovingly, he’s missed me etc

Lots of lovely stuff...

Invite me to stay at his place ( although that was 3 in the morning and him drunk)

So I took that lighthearted

I suppose I got a little scared and said is this just a sex thing again, as I can’t do this..

He replied ok, how about we stay friends and nothing more, I enjoy your company,

So I agreed.

Next day

He was pissed off, he messaged “ how can I go from wanting to rip his clothes off to friends”

I said, I like you, and I don’t want this to be friends with benefits, I know what I’m worth and I can give so much more..but I’m wasting my time if you just want sex.

He replied fine.

And hasn’t spoke to me in two weeks..he removed me from Instagram the day after that message.

I’m just confused, he comes as he likes me..but just puts sex in the way..

And I don’t want to be someone’s fwb, I’m 42, I know what I want..

Was he just using me?

You are two consenting mature adults. No one is using anyone. If it's not going anywhere just end it.

I think he’s in it just for sex...I’m 42, I know what I want..Was he just using me?

No he wasn't using you. You, however, are one messed up lady and did a spectacular job of creating a mess out of nothing.

Things were going well, instead of going along with it and seeing where it leads, you decided to create drama, backtrack, accuse the guy of just wanting sex while completely ignoring the fact that he was turning himself inside out to date you and court you while you willingly slept with him on your own accord....like seriously? As if that's not enough, you continued to mess with his head even more and totally reject him with the "let's just be friends" bs. I mean if you don't like the guy, fine. Just end things...but don't insult him with lets just be pals after I had sex with you.

OP, get your head screwed on straight. I can't make heads or tails out of your behavior and I'm a woman. I can't even believe you are 42. You are acting like you are 12.

Yes..I believe that too..

And that’s what I said to him.

I disagree

I asked him the first time if this was just sex, he said yes, so we left it.

When he got back in touch I thought it was to start dating again, but it was just sex.

I felt I was wasting my time just sleeping with someone

It was him who wanted to just be friends afterwards

Can I just add, when I met the guy, he was with someone, on the verge of moving out. I didn’t know this at the time of first meeting.

I found out after...then called it as o felt it was just sex, and he was not mine to like.

When he got in touch again, he was still with the gf.

So I was wary.

I got a drunken message to say they have split, and he’s moved out.

I didn’t know any of this going into this..but backed off when I found out...

I could be wrong, but it appears you're in this for the "chase." Your actions simply do not match your words.

What do you mean the chase?

I like the guy...

Ok Good choice to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

when I met the guy, he was with someone, on the verge of moving out. I didn’t know this at the time of first meeting. When he got in touch again, he was still with the gf.

Ok Good choice to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Thank you...I felt i had to take the upper hand and walk away, as he’s life is manic, and he’s no room for dating someone..he needs to tidy up he’s mess..

I didn’t know about the situation before I slept with him

He's not using you. You're willingly playing along.

You jumped in too fast, not knowing or ignoring the facts that he is not looking for a relationship & is emotionally unavailable.

Having sex with someone will not cause them to want to be in a relationship, nor does it cure emotional unavailability.

Drunk texts and late night booty calls are tell tale signs of what he is thinking and how he thinks of you.

In many ways, he's being pretty clear.

The "fine" and angry responses are more or less him being po"d because he wants sex.

You should have enjoyed the first date and set a boundary prior to having sex. Knowing that sex will make you attached. Men, generally do not attach with sex. Women, generally do. Sorry... harsh reality because women have every desire for sex that men do. Its just more complicated emotionally.

You have to be disciplined with yourself and make good choices. Its really hard to back track once sex is involved.

You can explain yourself to him a million times and he won't hear it. Just as, he's been explaining his side, too and you're confused. I think he's been clear all along, this is sex.

You cannot have meaningful conversations over text or if a person is drunk. And the reason he only contacts you this way is because he doesn't want talks.

The time to talk about sex, what you want, expect, need, the relationship etc is when you are not drunk. That's where the boundaries help you establish those times to talk. A simple "what are you looking for?" before hand, can be very helpful.

I would cut bait with this guy. Meet someone else. I honestly think you two are speaking different languages. There were some compatibilities to start, but you obviously are not on the same page, its awkward and way too early for it to be so difficult.

Sorry! it sucks.... i know. live and learn. Next time you'll protect your feelings. hopefully.

No he wasn't using you. You, however, are one messed up lady and did a spectacular job of creating a mess out of nothing.

 

Things were going well, instead of going along with it and seeing where it leads, you decided to create drama, backtrack, accuse the guy of just wanting sex while completely ignoring the fact that he was turning himself inside out to date you and court you while you willingly slept with him on your own accord....like seriously? As if that's not enough, you continued to mess with his head even more and totally reject him with the "let's just be friends" bs. I mean if you don't like the guy, fine. Just end things...but don't insult him with lets just be pals after I had sex with you.

 

OP, get your head screwed on straight. I can't make heads or tails out of your behavior and I'm a woman. I can't even believe you are 42. You are acting like you are 12.

I'm confused. What I read from the post is that the guy acknowledged that he was emotionally unavailable and suggested they just be friends.

If there was a lot of contact leading to the meeting (which always ends at his place) and followed by days or weeks of silence, it does seem that he was just looking for friends with benefits.

Can I just add, when I met the guy, he was with someone, on the verge of moving out. I didn’t know this at the time of first meeting.

 

I found out after...then called it as o felt it was just sex, and he was not mine to like.

 

When he got in touch again, he was still with the gf.

So I was wary.

 

I got a drunken message to say they have split, and he’s moved out.

I didn’t know any of this going into this..but backed off when I found out...

Sorry, he is taken and a cheater. No need to figure out what a liar is thinking and why they did what they did.

Take care so you don't get hurt by people like this again.

I asked him before meeting him again, that I can’t do just sex with someone..and that I feel I can’t open up with someone I’m just sleeping with, so I don’t do it...

The problem is, you're expecting him to enforce your ground rules.

That's not his job; it's yours.

When he got back in touch I thought it was to start dating again, but it was just sex.

You tried again, and you found out that it was just sex. Again.

I think you have your answer.

He's jerking you around. Stop making excuses for him. Stand up for your own boundaries.

I'm confused. What I read from the post is that the guy acknowledged that he was emotionally unavailable and suggested they just be friends.

 

If there was a lot of contact leading to the meeting (which always ends at his place) and followed by days or weeks of silence, it does seem that he was just looking for friends with benefits.

What I got from the original post is that she met this guy volunteering, they clicked, went on a date, she slept with him and then got all tied into knots about it and started to backtrack that she is not like this, she doesn't normally sleep with a guy on a first date, etc. That sounds like silly insecure game playing to me on the OP's part.

Then she added the info about him having a gf and cheating. That kind of changes things completely. What do you do with a cheater? Boot him out of your life with extreme prejudice. Always remember that what a cheater did with you, he or she will do to you.

Either way, this isn't complicated.

Well I think if you asked him "Is this just sex?" He said "yes". So that was all he wanted. He continued to pursue you for sex only and he was very annoyed he wasn't getting it. I think your best course of action is to completely block him on everything.