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Is my boyfriend controlling?


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We have been together for 7months. We are both 22. Ever since we met he has been completely smitten with me and wanted to be in a relationship with me straight away. I fell in love with him because he seemed so nice to me. I did make him wait though as I enjoyed single life a lot.

 

He was accepting of my uni lifestyle which involved going out a lot, but over the months he has began to show controlling signs. He says he feels ‘uncomfortable’ with outfits I wear on nights out and even called me bad names for it one time. He says why would i want to make him uncomfortable? you know i am insecure.

 

He complains that I don’t message him throughout the nights with friends but I am too busy having a good time, I do try my best though.

 

I have never gave him any reason to not trust me. I find myself constantly having to reassure him that he is the only guy for me.

 

 

He tells me my friends are bad people, he only met them once and didn’t make effort to speak to them. He said my bestfriend is a bad influence. I once told my friend about my problems with him and he went crazy saying its our problems and i shouldnt tell anyone them.

 

He gets extremely jealous, like I could be talking about a male friend and he would immediately ‘joke’ that I have been unfaithful with him. He does this very often which he says he will stop doing.

 

He stares at my phone when i use it and reads word for word what I text my friends / family. I never do this with him and I find it very uncomfortable.

 

 

He often disguises his signs saying he wants ‘the best future for us’ and would prefer me to concentrate on my career than going out and having fun, he says i am a better person now. and that i am more attractive when I stay in when my friends are out.

 

He doesn’t have much of a relationship with anyone else in his life, even his family. He says he would rather be with me than anyone else. I have more of a social life and love being with my family.

 

Just the other day he got extremely mad that i didn’t want to video call and said I don’t love him, I’m treating him bad. We argued all night because of it. I was spending time with my parents after not seeing them for a long time.

 

He is an amazing boyfriend however, he does so much for me. Breakfast in bed etc, takes me out for food (although he would rather stay in) does all the little things i really appreciate (helping me with coursework and stuff)

 

I am just concerned because i have been in controlling relationships before and i don’t want to be in them again.

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It could be insecurity of losing you but his actions will cause what he fears most to come true. Sit him down and calmly tell him that.

 

Trying to isolate you from friends, calling you names, shaming you into wearing what he thinks is appropriate, constant contact are all signs of someone with controlling tendencies.

 

He could be immature and so afraid of losing you that he is doing all these things but they are happening all the same right?

 

Have a talk with him and let him know he needs to either trust you and let you be the person he fell in love with or you cannot see how the relationship can continue.

 

Lost

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As I read your post, I pictured trying to get out of this relationship now versus trying to get out of it in the future.

 

Honestly, I think you should get out of this relationship now. It will be a major pain in the ass to do so in the future.

 

In other words, my very first thought was Get Out.

 

So: yes, I think he is too controlling.

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Sorry to hear this. You need to confide in trusted friends and adults about what is going on. There are a great deal of red flags. You already know the relationship is abusive so end it asap. Abusive is never "amazing". You need to educate yourself if you think it is.: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags

1)wanted to be in a relationship with me straight away.

2)he has began to show controlling signs.

3)He says he feels ‘uncomfortable’ with outfits I wear on nights out

4)called me bad names for it one time.

5)He complains that I don’t message him throughout the nights

6)I find myself constantly having to reassure him that he is the only guy for me.

7)He tells me my friends are bad people

8)He gets extremely jealous

9)He stares at my phone when i use it and reads word for word what I text my friends / family.

10)He doesn’t have much of a relationship with anyone else in his life, even his family.

11)he got extremely mad that i didn’t want to video call and said I don’t love him

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Sorry but yes, you are in yet another extremely controlling relationship.

 

You are falling for artificial acts like brings breakfast in bed. Honestly? Every guy I've ever dated has done that. It's cute, it's not some rare quality or gesture. Cute but an empty gesture.

 

I think you need to raise your standards and expectations and rethink what makes a good bf. Maybe that you both have a healthy social life, that he treats you with trust and respect, that you both can hang out and have fun with friends as well as apart without worrying what the other is up to? This guy is polar opposite.

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I am probably not the best person to answer this but I see some areas where my experience recently may help.

I was dumped 2 months ago and the ex said that I had become a little controlling or possessive. I hadn't seen it this way at all as I genuinely believed I was showing I cared and that I was there for her. Looking at what you say he has been doing I see similarities in some of the things. I never checked on who she was with, what she was doing, what she was wearing or anything like that but I did ask why she wasn't calling as much (this then led to me texting/calling more which in turn annoyed her)

I did the "joke" about male friends and I meant it partly joking and partly out of jealousy, however it would only ever be taken by her that I was being jealous.

 

I would suggest talk to him in a controlled, unagitated manner that sounds as reassuring as possible.

If my ex had approached me that way I think I may have seen what my actions were causing her to interpret them as and as a result would have stopped. As she didn't, I felt I was doing no wrong and was just trying to keep a relationship going by being a loving caring person. As a result it actually showed her a version of me she decided she didn't like anymore as it made her feel more uncomfortable in the relationship which was never my aim at all.

At the moment he is only seeing his actions as he believes they will be interpreted and not how the recipient of them does.

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I am probably not the best person to answer this but I see some areas where my experience recently may help.

I was dumped 2 months ago and the ex said that I had become a little controlling or possessive. I hadn't seen it this way at all as I genuinely believed I was showing I cared and that I was there for her. Looking at what you say he has been doing I see similarities in some of the things. I never checked on who she was with, what she was doing, what she was wearing or anything like that but I did ask why she wasn't calling as much (this then led to me texting/calling more which in turn annoyed her)

I did the "joke" about male friends and I meant it partly joking and partly out of jealousy, however it would only ever be taken by her that I was being jealous.

 

I would suggest talk to him in a controlled, unagitated manner that sounds as reassuring as possible.

If my ex had approached me that way I think I may have seen what my actions were causing her to interpret them as and as a result would have stopped. As she didn't, I felt I was doing no wrong and was just trying to keep a relationship going by being a loving caring person. As a result it actually showed her a version of me she decided she didn't like anymore as it made her feel more uncomfortable in the relationship which was never my aim at all.

At the moment he is only seeing his actions as he believes they will be interpreted and not how the recipient of them does.

 

What you are describing is very very different from the OP's situation. Calling her names over what she is wearing, telling her how to dress, telling her that her friends are a bad influence, monitoring who she is talking to and how - these are classic dangerous control freak behaviors. This is not a guy like yourself that maybe went a little over board wanting attention or communication.

 

In fact, the whole making her feel bad, picking fights over all those things, constantly demanding her attention while she is out is itself not only controlling, but seriously manipulative. He is basically creating a punishment/reward dynamic. When she does what he doesn't like, he makes life miserable for her and if she stays, she'll find that she starts to go out less, socialize less and less until she just stops, all to alleviate the fights and punishment. Meanwhile he makes her breakfast in bed as a reward for being "good".

 

Problem with abusers is that the goal posts are always moving. Once he has her isolated, he'll find new things to pick fights about. New things he doesn't like. Rinse and repeat.

 

Talking to these people is completely useless. They are smart, they KNOW what they are doing and they are doing it on purpose. Only way is to leave and do it quickly.

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This guy is a control freak, and needs to be shown the door. He's got no business telling you how to dress, when you can hang out with friends etc. Breakfast in bed is not a sign of love, he's keeping you off balance by being nice once in a while. If you think he will change and become "normal," you are seriously wrong. Do you really want a life like this? Time to say goodbye and dont let him weasel his way back into your life.

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I am probably not the best person to answer this but I see some areas where my experience recently may help.

I was dumped 2 months ago and the ex said that I had become a little controlling or possessive. I hadn't seen it this way at all as I genuinely believed I was showing I cared and that I was there for her. Looking at what you say he has been doing I see similarities in some of the things. I never checked on who she was with, what she was doing, what she was wearing or anything like that but I did ask why she wasn't calling as much (this then led to me texting/calling more which in turn annoyed her)

I did the "joke" about male friends and I meant it partly joking and partly out of jealousy, however it would only ever be taken by her that I was being jealous.

 

I would suggest talk to him in a controlled, unagitated manner that sounds as reassuring as possible.

If my ex had approached me that way I think I may have seen what my actions were causing her to interpret them as and as a result would have stopped. As she didn't, I felt I was doing no wrong and was just trying to keep a relationship going by being a loving caring person. As a result it actually showed her a version of me she decided she didn't like anymore as it made her feel more uncomfortable in the relationship which was never my aim at all.

At the moment he is only seeing his actions as he believes they will be interpreted and not how the recipient of them does.

 

 

Yes I do think I need to speak to him about it so he understands my point of view better. I have told him that I have noticed some controlling behaviours.

 

He said that he is not controlling, he said it’s me not taking on board his feelings and added that this is the reason why he doesn’t open up to me.

 

It upsets me because it feels almost like a blame-game where everything is my fault. I don’t think he understands what he is being like with me.

 

I have spoken to him several times about the jokes about me being unfaithful. He said he would stop but still makes little digs and doesn’t seem to believe me when I tell him one of his statements about me are not true. It upsets me because it makes me feel like I need to try harder for him to trust me

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Thank you for your responses they are certainly helpful.

 

I have had a lot of trouble trying to talk to him about the controlling issues as he doesn’t see them himself. He thinks its me not taking his feelings on board, he said i’m the one manipulating him by calling him controlling when that is not the case.

 

His ex girlfriend broke up with him because she believed he was an emotional abuser. This was very concerning to me.

 

I’m not sure how else to make him see

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Yes I do think I need to speak to him about it so he understands my point of view better. I have told him that I have noticed some controlling behaviours.

 

He said that he is not controlling, he said it’s me not taking on board his feelings and added that this is the reason why he doesn’t open up to me.

 

It upsets me because it feels almost like a blame-game where everything is my fault. I don’t think he understands what he is being like with me.

 

I have spoken to him several times about the jokes about me being unfaithful. He said he would stop but still makes little digs and doesn’t seem to believe me when I tell him one of his statements about me are not true. It upsets me because it makes me feel like I need to try harder for him to trust me

 

Don't continue trying to talk to him about his insecurities. It doesn't help. His insecurities are his to work on, not yours to manage.

Him saying ' little digs ' is his way of trying to condition you. As you just stated it makes you feel like you need to try harder.

What ends up happening is you keep trying to make things better and he keeps moving the goal posts.

You'll never be successful at easing his insecurities. At least not until you have totally lost yourself, you have no voice and you no longer recognize who you are.

This only escalates.

He has issues. You can't make them better.

You only have 7 months invested. Leave now.

Better yet, tell your family what's going on and see what they say.

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He said that he is not controlling, he said it’s me not taking on board his feelings and added that this is the reason why he doesn’t open up to me.

 

This, right here, is Controlling 101.

 

So, sure, you can continue to try to make this something to discuss, but I'd challenge yourself to ask: why? Because he sometimes brings you breakfast in bed (when he's not dissing your friends)? Because he sometimes takes you out to dinner (when he's not shaming you for what you wear)? Because he is sometimes "nice" (at least when he's not being mean)? Or is because part of you interprets his jealousy as "passion" and it feels good (at least when it doesn't feel bad) to be with someone so "passionate" about you?

 

Bottom line is: the more you talk about all this the more you validate it, just like the longer you're with someone the more you validate who they are, and how they treat you, not who they might be, or how they might come to treat you. That's the Catch-22. In trying to talk about it, to facilitate changes, you just further cement the very dynamic you want to change.

 

Imagine a relationship where you never, ever had to talk about this, but instead could spend that energy getting to know someone, getting closer, and feeling better living in your own skin, alongside another person living in theirs. That's not magic, but what I'd call base level, and perhaps you needed these 7 months with him to see that more clearly, so you can seek it elsewhere. Because making this your point of connection with him—the thing to figure out, together—is inherently to move farther and farther from the above, not closer.

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Thank you for your responses they are certainly helpful.

 

I have had a lot of trouble trying to talk to him about the controlling issues as he doesn’t see them himself. He thinks its me not taking his feelings on board, he said i’m the one manipulating him by calling him controlling when that is not the case.

 

His ex girlfriend broke up with him because she believed he was an emotional abuser. This was very concerning to me.

 

I’m not sure how else to make him see

 

She is 100% correct because that is exactly what he is. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but nothing will ever change. He KNOWS what he is doing, he is simply looking for a girl he CAN control. Someone who is weak enough or insecure enough or damaged enough to put up with his BS and talk and talk but never ever walk away.

 

Please OP do NOT keep dating this guy. He is a major, serious problem. It also concerns me so much that out of all the responses, you latch on to the one that falsely gives you hope and encourages you to stay in a toxic relationship with a control freak....even after you admit that you have a big problem with choosing to date controlling guys over and over again. Please....dump this guy. You are only 22 years old. Be single, have fun and fix your picker. I mean seriously, take a time out from dating and work on yourself and what's leading you to pick toxic guys over and over again.

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Yes I do think I need to speak to him about it so he understands my point of view better. I have told him that I have noticed some controlling behaviours.

 

He said that he is not controlling, he said it’s me not taking on board his feelings and added that this is the reason why he doesn’t open up to me.

 

It upsets me because it feels almost like a blame-game where everything is my fault. I don’t think he understands what he is being like with me.

 

I have spoken to him several times about the jokes about me being unfaithful. He said he would stop but still makes little digs and doesn’t seem to believe me when I tell him one of his statements about me are not true. It upsets me because it makes me feel like I need to try harder for him to trust me

 

You did your part--said what behavior you wanted changed. He's not going to. He would likely need years of therapy to make a complete change for the better, but he likes who he is and defends himself.

 

Read articles on people who are controlling and you will see him there. People who do this try to isolate you. He doesn't want you to have friends. He tries to tell you what to wear. You're an adult, not a five year old. He doesn't have his own circle of friends nor a support system. You will eventually be smothered being the sole center of his universe. Controllers often turn physically abusive over time. Most people do have some good traits, although dealbreakers need to override them when you're choosing a partner.

 

My first serious love as a teen ended up being a controller. He had great traits as well! It wasn't an issue in the first year, but in the second year, he didn't want me traveling to France on a school trip. He'd get upset if I spent the night at a girlfriend's house. Even at age 17, I had the brains to end things with him, and then he threatened suicide, but I didn't let him emotionally manipulate me in that way and instead told his family what he'd said so they could be aware to lookout for his safety. So be prepared that he tries this with you, or pleads with you about changing. Be strong and end things because you don't deserve to be abused. Take this as a learning lesson of what you don't want for your one precious life, and now you're better prepared to see red flags sooner, of who to avoid as dating partners. Take care.

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Possessiveness is not flattering. You are well aware he's an abuser, but you find it cool. Why is it your mission to fix and change abusers? Does that mean? You are so powerful, so immune, so influential? He loves you soooo much? You and all the ER black eye broken/arm cases who 'love them so much"?

His ex girlfriend broke up with him because she believed he was an emotional abuser. This was very concerning to me.

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He can see just fine. He just doesn't care to change.

 

He likes treating you this way. See, he gets to be controlling and a dictator and what do you do? Bend to his demands and tell him you love him! What's not to like about that, and why would he want to stop?

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I have told him that I have noticed some controlling behaviours.

 

He said that he is not controlling, he said it’s me not taking on board his feelings and added that this is the reason why he doesn’t open up to me.

 

It upsets me because it feels almost like a blame-game where everything is my fault. I don’t think he understands what he is being like with me.

 

I have spoken to him several times about the jokes about me being unfaithful.

 

He said he would stop but still makes little digs and doesn’t seem to believe me when I tell him one of his statements about me are not true.

 

It upsets me because it makes me feel like I need to try harder for him to trust me

 

OP, blaming you and making so YOU have to try harder to appease HIS PROBLEM... classic abuser behavior.

 

As is isolating you from friends and family. This is so that you have no one to turn to or no where to go when things get worse.

 

Things only get worse. He is a jealous, controlling, mean guy, that can also make breakfast. Not good. You can make your own breakfast.

 

Being independent gives you options. Don't let anyone take your options away. You will always need your own things - friends, money, interests. A boyfriend is not your entire world or you will find a pretty limited world.

 

Any guy that pushes to lock you into a relationship straight away is a red flag. I'm sure you're great but you should be asking yourself why you? How could he know you're so special? unless he is just looking for any girl that will play by his rules....

 

A good boyfriend, accepts you as you are. Supports your freedom and doesn't pressure you.

 

its not presents, dates, acts of kindness with strings attached that makes someone a good partner.

 

i think you should end this.

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This kinda does sound hard to bare, but I been through the same boat your in. My ex used to do the same thing to me all the time if we were in public. If i wore a tank top, he would force me to wear a sweater or a shirt over it, he would get me for wearing skinny jeans that showed off my thighs too much, and he would just force me to talk to him. It got to the point where he went to others for advice and took it from them, which led to us splitting apart.

 

But what I'm trying to say is, if hes being controlling and demanding you to do things that makes you feel bad, its a toxic relationship. It needs to end whenever both of you are comfortable with it and just have your own lifes until you find someone better for you and makes you happy and positive.

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Oh, no. Oh, hale NOPE.

 

This guy has red flags all over him. Yes, he is controlling. And he's also trying to isolate you from your friends and family. This is what abusers do, OP. His ex-girlfriend was right: he is emotionally abusive. He doesn't want to change; no matter how patiently or calmly you try to reason with him, it won't make a lick of difference. He knows what he's doing. He just doesn't care. He wants to bend your will. He has no interest in changing. He wants you to change.

 

My advice? Run like your backside is on fire. This is going to get worse if you don't.

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Although it hurts I know i need to end things but I’m really unsure about how to do this. I feel like I should at least have a conversation with him about why I’m leaving. I have not ended a relationship in a really long time and I’m unsure of how he’d react, I think it would be really badly..

We spend pretty much every other day together when i go to see him and we don’t stop texting through the day. Should I cut this down now?

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Do not negotiate or go into detail explaining things. He is NOT going to change. .You are not a social worker. Simply tell him it's not working out. Be as neutral as possible. Talk to trusted adults, friends, family, etc. Read up on abusive relationships.

I feel like I should at least have a conversation with him about why I’m leaving.
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Beware. Your boyfriend is reminiscent of my sister's husband, my brother-in-law (BIL). He is very controlling and has no qualms making my sister's life a pure living hell. BIL needs to be the center of her universe and if he doesn't receive 100% attention from her 100% of the time, he acts like an imbecile. He's mentally ill.

 

If she compliments you socially, BIL will disrespect and humiliate you publicly. Either my sister has to do instant damage control or we're forced to ignore him. Other times, WW3 breaks out from all of us outraged and insulted people. BIL has caused major rifts and estrangement in the family and we only congregate for traditional holidays for the sake of the younger generation, the cousins. It's awkward, uncomfortable and we can't wait to LEAVE for home.

 

If my sister is speaking on the phone, texting or engaged in a verbal conversation in person with you, BIL deliberately interrupts her all the time. He's some piece of work and a real jerk.

 

Your boyfriend will be a living nightmare if you continue being with him. So what if he gives you breakfast in bed and takes you out for food? He treats you as if you're his property. :upset: Don't make the same mistake my sister did otherwise you'll live to regret it. :upset:

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Don't do this in a totally private place one on one, because guys like this could be dangerous. I'd pick a place where you have some privacy, yet be close enough to the public that you could call and run for help if need be. You might even have a friend keeping an eye on you from afar, say if it's in a college courtyard, mall, etc. You could even do it on a phone call if you don't feel safe and can hang up if he won't take no for an answer. A guy like that doesn't deserve an in person breakup like a nice guy would.

 

Don't assume he'd never harm you because people have been naive about those things in the past and paid the price. Do not let him into your place and do not go to his place after the breakup either.

 

You can briefly explain why you're leaving, but don't let him plead or argue. Be adamant you've made up your mind. You might want to live elsewhere for a while after the breakup so he doesn't know where to track you down. Block and delete. He won't let you fade away so you will have to go cold turkey. Good luck and let us know how it goes, and inform friends and your parents of what's going on so they know not to answer the phone if he tries calling them. When I was a teen, my ex showed up at my Mom's work when she was leaving for the day. Scared the bejeezus out of her, asking her to talk to me. Controllers are hard to get rid of, so don't give him an inch because he will try to take a mile.

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Should I cut this down now?

 

Yes!! By all means, yes!!!

 

As wiseman said, don't waste time with explanations or (attempted) negotiations.

 

Be decisive and be done.

 

Gather all of the support you can around you. Confide in family and friends about what's happening so that they can help you if/when he acts out.

 

People like your boyfriend are unpredictable. They are surprisingly clever when it comes to getting people back under their thumbs.

 

He could be aggressive or sweet, depending on what it takes.

 

Rely on your family and/or friends to support you through the uncertainty that you will doubtless feel (especially if he starts acting all nice).

 

Most of all, be careful. Follow Andrina's precautions.

 

In the future, begin the departure sequence as soon as you see this behavior from a man, no matter how many breakfasts he brings you in bed.

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