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Thread: How to get her back?

  1. #1
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    How to get her back?

    Hello,
    I've been dating a woman for 3 months, and before you say it is a short time, she was really into me, wanted a future with me, children in the future etc. I'm not sure what I did, but I think when she was depressed and having a rough time in life, she saw me being supportive as too nice and available for some reason. She initiated contact a lot, didn't want me to date other women though. By the end she started sending mixed signals, then she started dating someone else and cut me off (blocked on IG and unfriended on FB).

    I have never cared about anyone so much, I have been in both long and short relations before, but never really wanted to get a woman back. This time it felt like soulmates (she said it feels like destiny herself and showed a lot of emotions first).

    There has to be a way to get her back, I bet a lot of people here have experience. Please help. And no, I do not want to 'move on' or hear 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' because I know I will never move on until I am all out of options here and even then I'd rather stay single.

    The whole story is long, but I'm sure she had a lot of feelings for me, maybe she lost attraction and assumed some things wrong. I am working on myself, doing NC (no contact) but can't stop thinking about her and missing her. I feel like trying to contact her and doing something to talk to her.

    Hints, please.

  2. #2
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    You need to give more detail.

  3. #3
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    What details would you like to know? Because I can tell a lot, but not sure what will be useful

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    It's very hard to give advice without knowing the whole story—and, of course, knowing you're only interested in one ending to this story. Maybe if you share some more details we can understand it all a bit better.

    I very much understand not wanting to move on from someone. Been there more than once. At the same time, I hope you can understand that, ultimately, the only way you can back together is if she also wants that. You can make your wish crystal clear—have you?—but you can't do anything to make another human being want and feel something they don't want and feel. That's the gamble of relationships, and the core of all of them: two people making the same choice, not one person trying to convince the other.

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  6. #5
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    Yes, I know. I hope the feelings she showed me and that were strong (after all you don't say you imagine having kids together in the future if you don't have feelings imo) are still there and I can make her fall for me again but this time better as I have more knowledge and put in a lot of work in me (still some in progress). More details coming.

  7. #6
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    I've been dating a woman for 3 months after a long time (over 2 years) of not dating anyone and working on myself. We are both adults over 30.
    I entered the relation as a confident funny guy. Everything was perfect from the start, we both couldn't believe it.

    The things she told me and she was the FIRST to say that (which is important):

    - You are the first guy I feel I want to have kids with
    - I want to live with you
    - I want to travel with you
    - Never thought I will meet someone I have feelings for so fast since I started dating again
    - She said she doesn't want me to date other women
    - She called me 'Boyfriend'

    She kept calling me, messaging me a lot, we met once or twice a week. She came for the weekends to my place, always leaving happy (for many reasons, including pleasure). She initiated contact a lot, and since I currently left my job to change profession, I had the time to answer and talk to her (sometimes for a few hours).
    We talked about the future, our plans and dreams, as well as interests were the same in almost everything. That's why she said I'm 'Mr. Right guy, at the right time and place' and it feels like destiny. We also talked about some difficult things in the past, and obviously I don't believe in people being perfect, but to me all her imperfections were something that made her true and amazing even more in my eyes.

    A sudden change was in her behaviour when I said she is amazing and I care about her... she started having second thoughts out of nowhere. Like she got scared I have feelings, but she showed them first.
    It got better after, we kept seeing each other, she kept telling me how she visited her brother and when spending time with his kids, she felt like I'm going to come and help her when she gets tired and like they are our children.
    She kept giving me self-made or bought gifts, I did a lot of surprises for her. She kept saying she wants a lot of my poems, songs, and creative ideas I had. I loved doing that, just as I loved reading to her before she fell asleep to give her a sense of security and she always wanted more. She was really into me, sometimes so crazy about me that I was really surprised and sure she is serious.

    IMPORTANT: I am NOT a nice guy. Normally I'm playful, teasing, confident and like to do things my way. I was just kind and supportive for about two weeks, due to her hard time at work, moving etc. I thought it's normal to be supportive. And she appreciated that.

    For Valentine's Day I came up with an idea of couples massage, which she loved, we kept holding hands during that, it was very romantic, she always said she is kind of a hopeless romantic herself. As an introvert, she even told me how she wants her wedding to look like, about her idea of giving birth.

    Well hearing all that, even though I didn't think I will find someone that amazing that I get along with, I obviously fell hard in love, told her I love her (my mistake I know, she sensed it anyway).
    She believes in many things like signs from the Universe (spiritual) and she kept seeing same numbers, hearing my name on the radio, wedding bells while we kissed, when we were together it seemed that every radio station is playing a song saying 'I love you'. Never happened to me with anyone really. A lot of crazy events. I even had a strange feeling every time when we were together... call it gut feeling, call it whatever... I just knew the future for us is bright and sensed some events. I sometimes even joked about what's going to happen so she has a good day, and often it did. It's like everything worked, I bet some of you know the feeling.

    She kept saying how important I am, showing me that too. She didn't want me to date anyone else.
    Suddenly after all that, she said she needs to slow down, she has some issues with her ex after break up from months ago but still isn't fully over him. I gave her space...

    She thanked me for it, said she missed me after getting needed space and wants to meet, she heard her feelings etc. To me it was a message of 'I'm ready and sure I want to date you more and be together'... I think everyone would think that...
    Told me she has my picture on her phone again (she removed it for a while when not sure)

    To my surprise, during that meeting she kissed me then said we are just friends, she needs time alone. Then she let me hug her really close, then said don't touch me. I was completely shocked, didn't know what is going on. After the meeting, she said she had fun and it's not our last meeting. She kept calling, messaging...

    Later I found out (from her friend) that even though she wanted me to be like that, she said I'm too nice (I really wasn't, but I guess in her eyes) and that she didn't want me to message her... yet she initiated contact.
    I also found out her ex came by with flowers... I thought she decided to go back to him.
    She kept messaging me, telling me to let her know when I'm around and we will meet, because she doesn't want to lose me and I'm important to her, because those 3 months felt like 6 or more to her. Next week I asked when is she free... suddenly said she has no time and cut contact.

    Out of nowhere she first restricted me on instagram, then blocked me. I messaged her on the phone, she replied (I gave her space so messaged once, then another time next week).
    When she responded to my next message, I tried calling... she didn't pick up and just texted me

    That she is dating someone else (not her ex) and she doesn't feel good about me pressuring her (no clue how I did) spying and testing (never did that to anyone in my life!). I said I'm fine with her dating, I just don't want to lose her out of my life so let's keep in touch (like she always wanted) and suddenly from 'amazing, smart and funny' she said 'I bring no value to this relation and she doesn't want to stay in touch'... (possible I called at a wrong moment when she was with this guy and she got upset... guessing only)

    My reaction was shock... I had anxiety attacks since, depression, sleeping problems, talked to some doctors, got medication, still overthinking all of it. I know that if only she communicated with me it would be all good... but I'm blocked on IG and unfriended on FB... my options are phone, whatsapp, email... I'm over 6 weeks NC so far ...

    I'm working on my insecurities, because she started acting strange and from confident I went to insecure and anxious.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by grum
    Yes, I know. I hope the feelings she showed me and that were strong (after all you don't say you imagine having kids together in the future if you don't have feelings imo) are still there and I can make her fall for me again but this time better as I have more knowledge and put in a lot of work in me (still some in progress). More details coming.
    Honestly? I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I personally would at least try to entertain the notion that someone expressing wanting to have children with someone they hardly know, as was the case here, is as much as symptom of preexisting emotional instability as it is profound feelings for another human being.

    Can you look at it objectively like that, at all? Yes, it feels utterly intoxicating to have another human being project those kinds of fantasies onto us. But at the end of the day it's time that will dictate whether those fantasies are realized, whether the connection continues to strengthen and expand. Feeling very strongly about someone for a week, or a month, is not a guarantee of anything but the fact that those feelings are strong in the moment.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Excellent you sought help from doctors and therapists. It would be best to stop attempting to contact her. She is with someone and could get a restraining order or contact the police about unwanted contact and harassment from you. Keep in mind, each attempt you make to contact her is evidence. Just walk away.
    Originally Posted by grum
    Out of nowhere she first restricted me on instagram, then blocked me. I tried calling... she didn't pick up and just texted me

    That she is dating someone else (not her ex) and she doesn't feel good about me pressuring her.

    I had anxiety attacks since, depression, sleeping problems, talked to some doctors, got medication, still overthinking all of it.

  10. #9
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    I agree, I was surprised, but since she said she started to think about a family in the future (because it wasn't let's have children now, but in maybe 2 years or more) I just assumed a 30 year old woman knows what she wants in life. So it didn't feel like I should worry (if she started saying I want kids NOW, in a MONTH, I'd be like 'wooooow, slow down there crazy').

    It was after 2 months of dating she started saying things like that. I know the short time is against me in this message, but no woman that I was with before showed me so many feelings and did so much for me, so I fell for her after some time, and when I did it was like she got scared and needed distance. I started reading that it MIGHT BE (not sure) a disorder like dismissive avoidant personality or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). Therapists suggested she might be unaware she has borderline personality (again guessing, for all I know she might have lost attraction because I got insecure).

    But you are right, I've considered what you said as well (probably went through a million scenarios in my head already, some of which got me really depressed and that's why I started therapy).

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Okay, so I just read your longer post.

    Frank analysis, from the above? Well, it's what I was hinting at above: this is not a human being in a stable place emotionally. That's not your fault, but just a timing thing. She was clearly hung up on an ex before she knew you existed on planet Earth, among other things, and in you she found/created something of an escape hatch from all that. Being that escape hatch lifted you into the clouds—for a moment, before the crash back down.

    Think of it like this. I get a call from the government saying I owe a bunch of money in back taxes. In response, I fly to an island and spend a few weeks drinking pink drinks and having amazing sex with a local. Wonderful! Hot! Is this my new life?! Alas, it doesn't negate that tax bill, or the stress of it. In fact, it does the opposite, because deep in my core I know what I'm doing: running away, literally and figuratively. Day comes when the tax people find me, and suddenly my island paradise is more like a prison. I can either (a) run to a new island or (b) face the music. Either way, my time on the island is over.

    You were, I think, that island for her. And, yes, that sucks.

    Here's where you channel the big boy stuff and ask yourself: Do you really want to be someone's escape hatch, or do you want to be you, alongside someone who is stable in their own core? I think if you are brutally honest with yourself you'll see that what you miss right now is the escapist drug of her and of getting to be, momentarily, a drug for her. Fun, saucy stuff, all that. But if it was the stuff that led to forever and ever you wouldn't be wearing the shoes right now, but would be off skipping around with her.

    At the end of the day, she is now involved with someone else and has made it clear that she does not want communication with you. Your only response to that? It's to respect it. That's respecting her, yourself, and reality. If there's another chapter for the two of you—not something I'm going to advise you to cling to, but something I know you are—you have to trust that it will only happen if you respect this moment for what it actually is, much as that runs counter to what you want it to be.

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