How to get her back?

Hello,

I've been dating a woman for 3 months, and before you say it is a short time, she was really into me, wanted a future with me, children in the future etc. I'm not sure what I did, but I think when she was depressed and having a rough time in life, she saw me being supportive as too nice and available for some reason. She initiated contact a lot, didn't want me to date other women though. By the end she started sending mixed signals, then she started dating someone else and cut me off (blocked on IG and unfriended on FB).

 

I have never cared about anyone so much, I have been in both long and short relations before, but never really wanted to get a woman back. This time it felt like soulmates (she said it feels like destiny herself and showed a lot of emotions first).

 

There has to be a way to get her back, I bet a lot of people here have experience. Please help. And no, I do not want to 'move on' or hear 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' because I know I will never move on until I am all out of options here and even then I'd rather stay single.

 

The whole story is long, but I'm sure she had a lot of feelings for me, maybe she lost attraction and assumed some things wrong. I am working on myself, doing NC (no contact) but can't stop thinking about her and missing her. I feel like trying to contact her and doing something to talk to her.

 

Hints, please.

You need to give more detail.

What details would you like to know? Because I can tell a lot, but not sure what will be useful

Sorry about all this.

 

It's very hard to give advice without knowing the whole story—and, of course, knowing you're only interested in one ending to this story. Maybe if you share some more details we can understand it all a bit better.

 

I very much understand not wanting to move on from someone. Been there more than once. At the same time, I hope you can understand that, ultimately, the only way you can back together is if she also wants that. You can make your wish crystal clear—have you?—but you can't do anything to make another human being want and feel something they don't want and feel. That's the gamble of relationships, and the core of all of them: two people making the same choice, not one person trying to convince the other.

Yes, I know. I hope the feelings she showed me and that were strong (after all you don't say you imagine having kids together in the future if you don't have feelings imo) are still there and I can make her fall for me again but this time better as I have more knowledge and put in a lot of work in me (still some in progress). More details coming.

I've been dating a woman for 3 months after a long time (over 2 years) of not dating anyone and working on myself. We are both adults over 30.

I entered the relation as a confident funny guy. Everything was perfect from the start, we both couldn't believe it.

 

The things she told me and she was the FIRST to say that (which is important):

 

- You are the first guy I feel I want to have kids with

- I want to live with you

- I want to travel with you

- Never thought I will meet someone I have feelings for so fast since I started dating again

- She said she doesn't want me to date other women

- She called me 'Boyfriend'

 

She kept calling me, messaging me a lot, we met once or twice a week. She came for the weekends to my place, always leaving happy (for many reasons, including pleasure). She initiated contact a lot, and since I currently left my job to change profession, I had the time to answer and talk to her (sometimes for a few hours).

We talked about the future, our plans and dreams, as well as interests were the same in almost everything. That's why she said I'm 'Mr. Right guy, at the right time and place' and it feels like destiny. We also talked about some difficult things in the past, and obviously I don't believe in people being perfect, but to me all her imperfections were something that made her true and amazing even more in my eyes.

 

A sudden change was in her behaviour when I said she is amazing and I care about her... she started having second thoughts out of nowhere. Like she got scared I have feelings, but she showed them first.

It got better after, we kept seeing each other, she kept telling me how she visited her brother and when spending time with his kids, she felt like I'm going to come and help her when she gets tired and like they are our children.

She kept giving me self-made or bought gifts, I did a lot of surprises for her. She kept saying she wants a lot of my poems, songs, and creative ideas I had. I loved doing that, just as I loved reading to her before she fell asleep to give her a sense of security and she always wanted more. She was really into me, sometimes so crazy about me that I was really surprised and sure she is serious.

 

IMPORTANT: I am NOT a nice guy. Normally I'm playful, teasing, confident and like to do things my way. I was just kind and supportive for about two weeks, due to her hard time at work, moving etc. I thought it's normal to be supportive. And she appreciated that.

 

For Valentine's Day I came up with an idea of couples massage, which she loved, we kept holding hands during that, it was very romantic, she always said she is kind of a hopeless romantic herself. As an introvert, she even told me how she wants her wedding to look like, about her idea of giving birth.

 

Well hearing all that, even though I didn't think I will find someone that amazing that I get along with, I obviously fell hard in love, told her I love her (my mistake I know, she sensed it anyway).

She believes in many things like signs from the Universe (spiritual) and she kept seeing same numbers, hearing my name on the radio, wedding bells while we kissed, when we were together it seemed that every radio station is playing a song saying 'I love you'. Never happened to me with anyone really. A lot of crazy events. I even had a strange feeling every time when we were together... call it gut feeling, call it whatever... I just knew the future for us is bright and sensed some events. I sometimes even joked about what's going to happen so she has a good day, and often it did. It's like everything worked, I bet some of you know the feeling.

 

She kept saying how important I am, showing me that too. She didn't want me to date anyone else.

Suddenly after all that, she said she needs to slow down, she has some issues with her ex after break up from months ago but still isn't fully over him. I gave her space...

 

She thanked me for it, said she missed me after getting needed space and wants to meet, she heard her feelings etc. To me it was a message of 'I'm ready and sure I want to date you more and be together'... I think everyone would think that...

Told me she has my picture on her phone again (she removed it for a while when not sure)

 

To my surprise, during that meeting she kissed me then said we are just friends, she needs time alone. Then she let me hug her really close, then said don't touch me. I was completely shocked, didn't know what is going on. After the meeting, she said she had fun and it's not our last meeting. She kept calling, messaging...

 

Later I found out (from her friend) that even though she wanted me to be like that, she said I'm too nice (I really wasn't, but I guess in her eyes) and that she didn't want me to message her... yet she initiated contact.

I also found out her ex came by with flowers... I thought she decided to go back to him.

She kept messaging me, telling me to let her know when I'm around and we will meet, because she doesn't want to lose me and I'm important to her, because those 3 months felt like 6 or more to her. Next week I asked when is she free... suddenly said she has no time and cut contact.

 

Out of nowhere she first restricted me on instagram, then blocked me. I messaged her on the phone, she replied (I gave her space so messaged once, then another time next week).

When she responded to my next message, I tried calling... she didn't pick up and just texted me

 

That she is dating someone else (not her ex) and she doesn't feel good about me pressuring her (no clue how I did) spying and testing (never did that to anyone in my life!). I said I'm fine with her dating, I just don't want to lose her out of my life so let's keep in touch (like she always wanted) and suddenly from 'amazing, smart and funny' she said 'I bring no value to this relation and she doesn't want to stay in touch'... (possible I called at a wrong moment when she was with this guy and she got upset... guessing only)

 

My reaction was shock... I had anxiety attacks since, depression, sleeping problems, talked to some doctors, got medication, still overthinking all of it. I know that if only she communicated with me it would be all good... but I'm blocked on IG and unfriended on FB... my options are phone, whatsapp, email... I'm over 6 weeks NC so far ...

 

I'm working on my insecurities, because she started acting strange and from confident I went to insecure and anxious.

Yes, I know. I hope the feelings she showed me and that were strong (after all you don't say you imagine having kids together in the future if you don't have feelings imo) are still there and I can make her fall for me again but this time better as I have more knowledge and put in a lot of work in me (still some in progress). More details coming.

 

Honestly? I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I personally would at least try to entertain the notion that someone expressing wanting to have children with someone they hardly know, as was the case here, is as much as symptom of preexisting emotional instability as it is profound feelings for another human being.

 

Can you look at it objectively like that, at all? Yes, it feels utterly intoxicating to have another human being project those kinds of fantasies onto us. But at the end of the day it's time that will dictate whether those fantasies are realized, whether the connection continues to strengthen and expand. Feeling very strongly about someone for a week, or a month, is not a guarantee of anything but the fact that those feelings are strong in the moment.

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you sought help from doctors and therapists. It would be best to stop attempting to contact her. She is with someone and could get a restraining order or contact the police about unwanted contact and harassment from you. Keep in mind, each attempt you make to contact her is evidence. Just walk away.

Out of nowhere she first restricted me on instagram, then blocked me. I tried calling... she didn't pick up and just texted me

 

That she is dating someone else (not her ex) and she doesn't feel good about me pressuring her.

 

I had anxiety attacks since, depression, sleeping problems, talked to some doctors, got medication, still overthinking all of it.

I agree, I was surprised, but since she said she started to think about a family in the future (because it wasn't let's have children now, but in maybe 2 years or more) I just assumed a 30 year old woman knows what she wants in life. So it didn't feel like I should worry (if she started saying I want kids NOW, in a MONTH, I'd be like 'wooooow, slow down there crazy').

 

It was after 2 months of dating she started saying things like that. I know the short time is against me in this message, but no woman that I was with before showed me so many feelings and did so much for me, so I fell for her after some time, and when I did it was like she got scared and needed distance. I started reading that it MIGHT BE (not sure) a disorder like dismissive avoidant personality or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). Therapists suggested she might be unaware she has borderline personality (again guessing, for all I know she might have lost attraction because I got insecure).

 

But you are right, I've considered what you said as well (probably went through a million scenarios in my head already, some of which got me really depressed and that's why I started therapy).

Okay, so I just read your longer post.

 

Frank analysis, from the above? Well, it's what I was hinting at above: this is not a human being in a stable place emotionally. That's not your fault, but just a timing thing. She was clearly hung up on an ex before she knew you existed on planet Earth, among other things, and in you she found/created something of an escape hatch from all that. Being that escape hatch lifted you into the clouds—for a moment, before the crash back down.

 

Think of it like this. I get a call from the government saying I owe a bunch of money in back taxes. In response, I fly to an island and spend a few weeks drinking pink drinks and having amazing sex with a local. Wonderful! Hot! Is this my new life?! Alas, it doesn't negate that tax bill, or the stress of it. In fact, it does the opposite, because deep in my core I know what I'm doing: running away, literally and figuratively. Day comes when the tax people find me, and suddenly my island paradise is more like a prison. I can either (a) run to a new island or (b) face the music. Either way, my time on the island is over.

 

You were, I think, that island for her. And, yes, that sucks.

 

Here's where you channel the big boy stuff and ask yourself: Do you really want to be someone's escape hatch, or do you want to be you, alongside someone who is stable in their own core? I think if you are brutally honest with yourself you'll see that what you miss right now is the escapist drug of her and of getting to be, momentarily, a drug for her. Fun, saucy stuff, all that. But if it was the stuff that led to forever and ever you wouldn't be wearing the shoes right now, but would be off skipping around with her.

 

At the end of the day, she is now involved with someone else and has made it clear that she does not want communication with you. Your only response to that? It's to respect it. That's respecting her, yourself, and reality. If there's another chapter for the two of you—not something I'm going to advise you to cling to, but something I know you are—you have to trust that it will only happen if you respect this moment for what it actually is, much as that runs counter to what you want it to be.

You're right again. What surprised me was that she wasn't with her ex for over 6 months, brought him up when I showed feelings, he was back in the picture, yet she told me she's dating someone else. So complete confusion on my end. But I guess I can only hope things will change, as I have no control over it. Wanted to reach out casually just to check if I can get back in touch and maybe find out the true reason behind her behaviour which would make it easier for me to move on. But that is another thing I can't expect to get. :( The worst and the best thing at the same time was we were such a match in almost all areas: interests, dreams etc. I hate unfinished things and unanswered questions. I'm used to talking to women and knowing why things ended.

 

Thanks for your insight and reply.

I hear you.

 

This is emotional whiplash, a common side effect of romance and dating. The story, really, isn't that dissimilar to: you go car shopping, settle on something cool and sporty, and for a month or two driving it is a blast. Then the engine starts to give out, leaves you stranded on a hill. You try to patch it up, but it only runs for another week before sputtering out again, and you end up crashing into the guardrail. Ugh! But also? Not so mysterious. The awesome, sporty car you bought turned out to be a lemon. Thank goodness for seatbelts!

 

Great to hear you're in therapy, exploring this. Hopefully, in time, that leads you away from the armchair diagnosing of her and allows you see all this more clearly: a great car that wasn't great for a long journey. Requires a touch of humility to go there, yeah, but that's also the ultimate strength. It's your seatbelt, so to speak.

 

This business is finished, the questions answered. Your job right now—and it's a tough one—is coming to terms with that. When you do, that's when you open up space for more questions and more business. Whether they involve her or not won't even matter. Zen stuff. Good stuff.

 

Good luck.

I see myself in you in one period of my life. I recall writing an e-mail to a guy one month into dating him saying I though only men like him existed in fairy tales. That's a common feeling to have within the honeymoon period with someone, where hormones are running wild and you feel like you've never felt like this before, probably because you've forgotten what it was like during the honeymoon periods with past partners. After he broke up with me, I pleaded and tried to convince him to reconsider. Only two months later, with time and distance, I then had the clearheadedness to realize he was a con artist weasel. At the time I took up with him, I thought I had good self esteem, but after I got away from the situation, I realized how low my self worth was to put up with someone who was wrong for me in just about every major way.

 

From what you've written, I see her as a total flake. She batted you around like a cat torturing a mouse--teasing, and then striking with more blows. And you want to go back for round two of that? Your self worth is a lot lower than you realize.

 

That she is dating someone else (not her ex) and she doesn't feel good about me pressuring her (no clue how I did) spying and testing (never did that to anyone in my life!). I said I'm fine with her dating, I just don't want to lose her out of my life so let's keep in touch (like she always wanted) and suddenly from 'amazing, smart and funny' she said 'I bring no value to this relation and she doesn't want to stay in touch'... (possible I called at a wrong moment when she was with this guy and she got upset... guessing only) People who are taken are totally off limits, ethically. You are crossing ethical boundaries to contact a taken woman when you have romantic feelings toward her. That's only one reason to stay no contact. But the main one? The 90-day relationship appeared to possess no dealbreakers because of anything you've done. You didn't date other women as per your agreement. You didn't physically or emotionally abuse her, etc. So what would there be to fix and make the relationship one to revisit?

 

If she was really into you but something bothered her about your behavior, she would have addressed that issue with you. The fact that she didn't means that she was never that into you to begin with but tried to convince herself she was, or that it's her pattern to be super excited about a guy at first and that it quickly dies, or that she lacks self love and normalcy feels foreign to her and she subconsciously seeks dysfunction and somehow feels "right" about it.

 

With any of these scenarios, she's not good gf material now or for the foreseeable near future. You should be concentrating on yourself right now and remain single until you achieve self love while learning to spot red flags sooner. Most times, you have to get beyond the honeymoon period, when you're usually just scratching the surface of who a person is, before getting to the reality of knowing a person far longer. You got to see who she is far sooner, and one day you'll probably realize she did you a favor by breaking it off. I know that happened to me and I appreciate my husband so much more after experiencing, with the ex, what living in a toxic garbage dump feels like.

I see myself in you in one period of my life. I recall writing an e-mail to a guy one month into dating him saying I though only men like him existed in fairy tales. That's a common feeling to have within the honeymoon period with someone, where hormones are running wild and you feel like you've never felt like this before, probably because you've forgotten what it was like during the honeymoon periods with past partners.

I did not forget. I also thought hormones, but they are definitely out of my brain, yet something inside keeps telling me this is not the end.

 

From what you've written, I see her as a total flake. She batted you around like a cat torturing a mouse--teasing, and then striking with more blows. And you want to go back for round two of that? Your self worth is a lot lower than you realize.

From my description it may seem like it, but it wasn't. I know it sounds scary, but it's like I triggered a personality change in her (and I'm curious what was the trigger).

 

People who are taken are totally off limits, ethically. You are crossing ethical boundaries to contact a taken woman when you have romantic feelings toward her.

When I contacted her, I didn't know she is dating, and the reason for contact wasn't romantic. There was something I wanted to talk about with her.

 

 

If she was really into you but something bothered her about your behavior, she would have addressed that issue with you.

That's the strange (for me at least) part. She always communicated with me a lot, but this is something she told her friend (who later told me). And even though she claimed she doesn't like something and doesn't want me to contact her, she kept initiating contact herself.

 

With any of these scenarios, she's not good gf material now or for the foreseeable near future. You should be concentrating on yourself right now and remain single until you achieve self love while learning to spot red flags sooner. Most times, you have to get beyond the honeymoon period, when you're usually just scratching the surface of who a person is, before getting to the reality of knowing a person far longer.

I got to know her more than any other woman before in that phase honestly. We talked about a lot of things, for many hours, and not only good things, also painful things in our life, we opened up to each other a lot about everything, which only made me want to be with her more with all her imperfections.

You are right about concentrating on me, but I intend to stay single for good, cause I don't open easily to new relationships and it takes me 2-3 years before I trust someone again. Also honeymoon period is funny, cause all my relationships were in that phase when I started being involved more and those relations lasted for a long time (longest 8 years). This time... I will never forget the day when she came to my place, everything was good, she wanted me to come to her place next weekend... the moment I said I carer and see a good future, she suddenly got sad and didn't want me at her place. Scary and puzzling. I keep asking myself if it would be OK if I kept my mouth shut back then.

 

Thank you for your reply. Some part of me still hopes I will be in touch with her even if not as romantic partners, or at least I will get a conversation that will be my closure and I move on with my single life.

She sounds emotionally immature, and on the rebound when she started dating you.

 

Now she's bounced off to the next guy. Unfortunately, she's not someone you can take seriously. She was fantasizing about the future, but it holds no weight when you've only dated a couple months.

 

It hurts, but this was not likely to work out in your favour.

Some people are more in love with the IDEA of being in a relaiotnship out of desperation and not truly in love with that person. That's why she went full speed. Infatuation will get the best of us...the honeymoon stage where there's talk of babies, marriage and a future...but it's all talk bro and not to be taken as promises. You can't brush off the fact you have only known each other for two months.....you can't possibly truly know someone in that short of time, to be the perfect partner. It's all hot a blaze that quickly fizzled out. You need to take a step back, and have a hard look at what really happened with out those feelings you are harboring.

Agree with everything being said, with an emphasis on her being emotionally immature—and, well, by extension you having a few things to look at within to ask what you find so compelling about that. Not saying you're a mess who needs to lock himself inside a chastity chamber for 2-3 years, but that dusting a few hidden corners might clean the slate a bit, and put this chapter in perspective as just that: a chapter, not the story.

 

You didn't "trigger" any personality change in her. No one is that powerful, particularly with people we've only known a few minutes in the scheme of life. Think about it all without making yourself, or her, the star of the story, but just characters, and you'll see that what was "triggered" was just the flip side of everything you liked: impulsive "feelings" that come out of nowhere. Nice cars can go from 0-60 quite fast, but they also go from 60-0 quite fast, if you dig. Their breaking is just as powerful as their acceleration.

 

Personally, I've always hated the phrase "honeymoon phase," as I think it's primarily used only to describe relationships that either (a) didn't have much juice to squeeze or (b) have squeezed out all the juice but neither party wants to admit it. Something to think about, maybe. If ultimately what you want is a relationship that is good for longer than 6 or so weeks—well, the clear takeaway here is that this was not that. That's not because of something you did (again, humans aren't that powerful) but just a kind of fact that time has revealed.

 

A lot of your current spinning right now is your brain looking for ways to keep that fact at bay, because it's painful. But it won't destroy you, if you let it in. Might even help adjust the compass a bit so you move toward different kinds of connections—ones where you don't even think about things like the "honeymoon phase" because you're too busy enjoying each new phase that evolves.

You can't get her back. You can't force people to get back to you just because you wish it.

 

She is currently dating someone else, blocked you on IG and unfriended you on FB.

 

Never grovel. Don't pester nor bother her. She has a new life with her new boyfriend and you need to respect and honor her wishes.

 

Continue working on yourself and accept her decision and choices even if you don't like it. That's life.

The overall impression I get is that this woman came on way too strong, way too soon. Overkill (imo). Anyone who talks about wanting children with someone they hardly know (3 months IS way too soon to bring up wanting children with you, imo), .... are red flags. She sounds emotionally immature. Thankfully it was only a short-lived 3 months and not too much time invested. Instead of trying to get her back, view this as a bullet dodged. I know it hurts, for now, but you will get over it.

I met a woman recently (when trying to distract my mind) who told me on the first date she wants children soon... (no worries I don't treat people bad or go into rebound relations, I told her I can just talk, I'm not over someone I care about)

Another one who was hitting on me (a friend of the woman I was with) told me she wants children in about 2 years and she started trying hard to catch my interest cause "I'm an awesome guy and she was hoping it will work for me and her friend (the one I was with) because she would be happy with me"...

 

I guess I'm attracting women like that, who feel I'd be good father material or I don't even know what is going on. Why do they tell me that if I'm not saying anything about it.

 

It makes me think it's women's inner clock, and the ones I meet who are 30 years old or more, just feel like having a family. I obviously may be wrong, just my experience lately.

 

I honestly was hoping that being 30, almost 31 yo, means a woman knows what she wants and who she wants and has enough of toxic relationships she was in... I guess not and maybe she's dating someone who doesn't care, cause she's used to it and it would be perfect for her. (doing mind reading now, I know I shouldn't)

 

At least it feels like a better day, maybe getting out of my depression.

I met a woman recently (when trying to distract my mind) who told me on the first date she wants children soon... (no worries I don't treat people bad or go into rebound relations, I told her I can just talk, I'm not over someone I care about)

Another one who was hitting on me (a friend of the woman I was with) told me she wants children in about 2 years and she started trying hard to catch my interest cause "I'm an awesome guy and she was hoping it will work for me and her friend (the one I was with) because she would be happy with me"...

 

I guess I'm attracting women like that, who feel I'd be good father material or I don't even know what is going on. Why do they tell me that if I'm not saying anything about it.

 

Usually to filter out the men who do not want children.

 

I'm nearly 39, and while I don't want kids of my own, my friends who did (when we were in our early-mid 30s) made sure they were clear with guys there were dating that this was an eventual goal for them. It was not always because they saw those specific guys as fathers of their children when they'd just gotten to know them, but to put it out there that it was a life objective for them and it would be better not to continue dating if the guy in question didn't have the same goal.

Usually to filter out the men who do not want children.

 

I'm nearly 39, and while I don't want kids of my own, my friends who did (when we were in our early-mid 30s) made sure they were clear with guys there were dating that this was an eventual goal for them. It was not always because they saw those specific guys as fathers of their children when they'd just gotten to know them, but to put it out there that it was a life objective for them and it would be better not to continue dating if the guy in question didn't have the same goal.

 

OK, thank you for clarifying. Well then I guess the exception was the woman I was with that said after 2 months she imagines having children with me one day.

OK, thank you for clarifying. Well then I guess the exception was the woman I was with that said after 2 months she imagines having children with me one day.

 

I think when taken together with her other behaviour, it's more a sign of her emotional immaturity than anything else. Most people don't know after two months of dating if they're compatible enough to go the distance, much less be good parents together. Assertions like this after 60 days of dating shouldn't be taken very seriously.

I think when taken together with her other behaviour, it's more a sign of her emotional immaturity than anything else. Most people don't know after two months of dating if they're compatible enough to go the distance, much less be good parents together. Assertions like this after 60 days of dating shouldn't be taken very seriously.

 

Well it wasn't like "OK you will give me babies" she was just saying, she imagined having children in the future with me and taking care of them and travelling together. She was very emotional about it, so I just thought she feels good around me to the point she allows those thoughts.

But at the end she said I don't feel comfortable around you... though it wasn't me that changed. Sorry, I'm just truly lost in all this and having a serious breakdown. It's like some OCD, I feel the need to talk to people and explain things that are misunderstandings. And I always had the conversation... her I was just cut off without her wanting to talk after I gave her so much time and support when she needed it.

I agree with everything MissCanuk is saying.

 

I'm 40, for reference, and beginning at around 30 it was pretty common that women (and men) would talk early in dating about wanting kids, to gauge whether two people were more or less on the same page. No reason to explore romance with someone who doesn't want kids if you know you do, you know? As a man who has never been particularly oriented toward procreation, I encountered a lot of wonderful women who, after that conversation, backed away from me, gracefully realizing that I was too risky a proposition for romance. Being wanted and obsessed over wasn't their main focus, the core texture of their desires.

 

The fact that she was "very emotional about it" sounds, to me, like an extension of her general emotional volatility. Not fun to think about, I know, but if you can see it like that maybe you can see it all as less about you, and find it becomes less consuming. Related, maybe you can see what you're describing as a breakdown right now more along the lines of something like withdrawal. It feels very, very good—drug-like, in fact—when someone is suddenly obsessed with us. It's like an instant hit of meaning and identity, and so when it's pulled away we get itchy, just like the drug user gets itchy during comedown.

 

Healthiest way to handle all that? You grind through the fog and the headache, eat well, exercise, understanding it's just chemicals leaving the bloodstream. Unhealthy way? Looking for a way to get high again. Maybe remind yourself of that here and there, and try to steer your reactions to these feelings toward healthier places.