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Thread: How to get her back?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by grum
    I met a woman recently (when trying to distract my mind) who told me on the first date she wants children soon... (no worries I don't treat people bad or go into rebound relations, I told her I can just talk, I'm not over someone I care about)
    Another one who was hitting on me (a friend of the woman I was with) told me she wants children in about 2 years and she started trying hard to catch my interest cause "I'm an awesome guy and she was hoping it will work for me and her friend (the one I was with) because she would be happy with me"...

    I guess I'm attracting women like that, who feel I'd be good father material or I don't even know what is going on. Why do they tell me that if I'm not saying anything about it.
    Usually to filter out the men who do not want children.

    I'm nearly 39, and while I don't want kids of my own, my friends who did (when we were in our early-mid 30s) made sure they were clear with guys there were dating that this was an eventual goal for them. It was not always because they saw those specific guys as fathers of their children when they'd just gotten to know them, but to put it out there that it was a life objective for them and it would be better not to continue dating if the guy in question didn't have the same goal.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Usually to filter out the men who do not want children.

    I'm nearly 39, and while I don't want kids of my own, my friends who did (when we were in our early-mid 30s) made sure they were clear with guys there were dating that this was an eventual goal for them. It was not always because they saw those specific guys as fathers of their children when they'd just gotten to know them, but to put it out there that it was a life objective for them and it would be better not to continue dating if the guy in question didn't have the same goal.
    OK, thank you for clarifying. Well then I guess the exception was the woman I was with that said after 2 months she imagines having children with me one day.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by grum
    OK, thank you for clarifying. Well then I guess the exception was the woman I was with that said after 2 months she imagines having children with me one day.
    I think when taken together with her other behaviour, it's more a sign of her emotional immaturity than anything else. Most people don't know after two months of dating if they're compatible enough to go the distance, much less be good parents together. Assertions like this after 60 days of dating shouldn't be taken very seriously.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I think when taken together with her other behaviour, it's more a sign of her emotional immaturity than anything else. Most people don't know after two months of dating if they're compatible enough to go the distance, much less be good parents together. Assertions like this after 60 days of dating shouldn't be taken very seriously.
    Well it wasn't like "OK you will give me babies" she was just saying, she imagined having children in the future with me and taking care of them and travelling together. She was very emotional about it, so I just thought she feels good around me to the point she allows those thoughts.
    But at the end she said I don't feel comfortable around you... though it wasn't me that changed. Sorry, I'm just truly lost in all this and having a serious breakdown. It's like some OCD, I feel the need to talk to people and explain things that are misunderstandings. And I always had the conversation... her I was just cut off without her wanting to talk after I gave her so much time and support when she needed it.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with everything MissCanuk is saying.

    I'm 40, for reference, and beginning at around 30 it was pretty common that women (and men) would talk early in dating about wanting kids, to gauge whether two people were more or less on the same page. No reason to explore romance with someone who doesn't want kids if you know you do, you know? As a man who has never been particularly oriented toward procreation, I encountered a lot of wonderful women who, after that conversation, backed away from me, gracefully realizing that I was too risky a proposition for romance. Being wanted and obsessed over wasn't their main focus, the core texture of their desires.

    The fact that she was "very emotional about it" sounds, to me, like an extension of her general emotional volatility. Not fun to think about, I know, but if you can see it like that maybe you can see it all as less about you, and find it becomes less consuming. Related, maybe you can see what you're describing as a breakdown right now more along the lines of something like withdrawal. It feels very, very good—drug-like, in fact—when someone is suddenly obsessed with us. It's like an instant hit of meaning and identity, and so when it's pulled away we get itchy, just like the drug user gets itchy during comedown.

    Healthiest way to handle all that? You grind through the fog and the headache, eat well, exercise, understanding it's just chemicals leaving the bloodstream. Unhealthy way? Looking for a way to get high again. Maybe remind yourself of that here and there, and try to steer your reactions to these feelings toward healthier places.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    it takes me 2-3 years before I trust someone again This is emotional baggage, and it likely hinders any dating success. For one thing, I imagine it's too weighty for the woman you decide to date after the lengthy absence, and you've decided she's the one you are going to tear your barriers down for to give her a chance. Even if you don't voice this, she will sense this, because women are very intuitive.

    Trust isn't something you can have for a person going into date 1, 5, or even 10. For one thing, you're not even exclusive in those early days so trust is irrelevant. When you become exclusive, then it's always best to trust unless you're given information that the person is not trustworthy.

    The only control you have is to recognize red flags and dealbreakers, along with seeing if a person meets all of your must-haves. You should be taking a wait and see attitude without projecting to the future at these early stages. Time will tell, so it's best to just enjoy the company of another and learn a little more about them with each date.

    You have a self sabotaging reel going on in your head about a story you've created and are sticking to, that it takes years between each dating experience for you to recuperate and be ready. That's self talk that is a self fulfilling prophecy and it can be changed. How about telling yourself that your goal is to find a companion, and that you will have to date a boatload of people to find the magic, as happens for most, so you better get busy.

    After my divorce, I went on dates with about 30 men over a period of more than two years before I found my future husband, because it was my goal to have a lifetime companion. It was a lot of hard work with a lot of upsetting periods and frustration. Do I have a thick skin? Not really. I just had a goal that I was going to stick to and finding my wonderful husband was worth all that crap I dealt with previously. Most people won't be your match and it won't go beyond the first date. Others might last a bit longer. Each person's experiences will differ, of course, but start changing your state of mind, because at the rate you're going with dating briefly once every three years might result in you finding "the one" far later in life than you expected. Keep up with the therapist to learn skills on dealing better with disappointment. Take care.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great point by Andrina.

    Worth thinking about is the relationship between this self-conception as being emotionally closed-off and connecting with someone who was so effusive emotionally right out of the gate. If what you "need" to "open up" is someone who is "all in" from day one—well, you run the risk of attaching onto people who aren't "all in" in their own cores. In looking for something that seems easy—not in the lurid sense, but in the sense of a safe place for emotional surrender—you may find, as was the case here, that it's a bit of an illusion and actually kind of dangerous.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by grum
    Well it wasn't like "OK you will give me babies" she was just saying, she imagined having children in the future with me and taking care of them and travelling together. She was very emotional about it, so I just thought she feels good around me to the point she allows those thoughts.
    No, I didn't imagine it was.

    In fact, I imagined it was more like the situation you then described: musings of a family fairtytale of sorts, her getting caught up in her emotions and so on. That further emphasizes the fact that this women appears to be all over the map emotionally, and not the most stable of characters. She's all in, and then all out. That's why it is critical to take a measured approach and really get to know someone - over time - before planning on a future together. People who rush in are often trying to fill some sort of void, trying to plaster over a wound, trying to wedge someone new into the space their ex left behind, or some other such thing. And when they realize they're not actually with the new person for the right reason? Well, it's off to the next.

    It hurts a lot for those left in the wake of these types of whirlwinds. I realize you're still trying to make sense of this. She sounds messy, and one day, you will be glad she's not your problem anymore.

  10. #29
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    Just about every dating profile out there can state "loves travelling" and "wants kids one day". She made you feel good, like an antidepressant, but now that crashed down and feels much worse. Happens all the time. The rush of new love does pump you up with a lot of internal feel good stuff. But that would have leveled out.
    Originally Posted by grum
    Well it wasn't like "OK you will give me babies" she was just saying, she imagined having children in the future with me and taking care of them and travelling together.

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