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Thread: How to get her back?

  1. #11
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    You're right again. What surprised me was that she wasn't with her ex for over 6 months, brought him up when I showed feelings, he was back in the picture, yet she told me she's dating someone else. So complete confusion on my end. But I guess I can only hope things will change, as I have no control over it. Wanted to reach out casually just to check if I can get back in touch and maybe find out the true reason behind her behaviour which would make it easier for me to move on. But that is another thing I can't expect to get. :( The worst and the best thing at the same time was we were such a match in almost all areas: interests, dreams etc. I hate unfinished things and unanswered questions. I'm used to talking to women and knowing why things ended.

    Thanks for your insight and reply.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    This is emotional whiplash, a common side effect of romance and dating. The story, really, isn't that dissimilar to: you go car shopping, settle on something cool and sporty, and for a month or two driving it is a blast. Then the engine starts to give out, leaves you stranded on a hill. You try to patch it up, but it only runs for another week before sputtering out again, and you end up crashing into the guardrail. Ugh! But also? Not so mysterious. The awesome, sporty car you bought turned out to be a lemon. Thank goodness for seatbelts!

    Great to hear you're in therapy, exploring this. Hopefully, in time, that leads you away from the armchair diagnosing of her and allows you see all this more clearly: a great car that wasn't great for a long journey. Requires a touch of humility to go there, yeah, but that's also the ultimate strength. It's your seatbelt, so to speak.

    This business is finished, the questions answered. Your job right now—and it's a tough one—is coming to terms with that. When you do, that's when you open up space for more questions and more business. Whether they involve her or not won't even matter. Zen stuff. Good stuff.

    Good luck.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I see myself in you in one period of my life. I recall writing an e-mail to a guy one month into dating him saying I though only men like him existed in fairy tales. That's a common feeling to have within the honeymoon period with someone, where hormones are running wild and you feel like you've never felt like this before, probably because you've forgotten what it was like during the honeymoon periods with past partners. After he broke up with me, I pleaded and tried to convince him to reconsider. Only two months later, with time and distance, I then had the clearheadedness to realize he was a con artist weasel. At the time I took up with him, I thought I had good self esteem, but after I got away from the situation, I realized how low my self worth was to put up with someone who was wrong for me in just about every major way.

    From what you've written, I see her as a total flake. She batted you around like a cat torturing a mouse--teasing, and then striking with more blows. And you want to go back for round two of that? Your self worth is a lot lower than you realize.

    That she is dating someone else (not her ex) and she doesn't feel good about me pressuring her (no clue how I did) spying and testing (never did that to anyone in my life!). I said I'm fine with her dating, I just don't want to lose her out of my life so let's keep in touch (like she always wanted) and suddenly from 'amazing, smart and funny' she said 'I bring no value to this relation and she doesn't want to stay in touch'... (possible I called at a wrong moment when she was with this guy and she got upset... guessing only) People who are taken are totally off limits, ethically. You are crossing ethical boundaries to contact a taken woman when you have romantic feelings toward her. That's only one reason to stay no contact. But the main one? The 90-day relationship appeared to possess no dealbreakers because of anything you've done. You didn't date other women as per your agreement. You didn't physically or emotionally abuse her, etc. So what would there be to fix and make the relationship one to revisit?

    If she was really into you but something bothered her about your behavior, she would have addressed that issue with you. The fact that she didn't means that she was never that into you to begin with but tried to convince herself she was, or that it's her pattern to be super excited about a guy at first and that it quickly dies, or that she lacks self love and normalcy feels foreign to her and she subconsciously seeks dysfunction and somehow feels "right" about it.

    With any of these scenarios, she's not good gf material now or for the foreseeable near future. You should be concentrating on yourself right now and remain single until you achieve self love while learning to spot red flags sooner. Most times, you have to get beyond the honeymoon period, when you're usually just scratching the surface of who a person is, before getting to the reality of knowing a person far longer. You got to see who she is far sooner, and one day you'll probably realize she did you a favor by breaking it off. I know that happened to me and I appreciate my husband so much more after experiencing, with the ex, what living in a toxic garbage dump feels like.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I see myself in you in one period of my life. I recall writing an e-mail to a guy one month into dating him saying I though only men like him existed in fairy tales. That's a common feeling to have within the honeymoon period with someone, where hormones are running wild and you feel like you've never felt like this before, probably because you've forgotten what it was like during the honeymoon periods with past partners.
    I did not forget. I also thought hormones, but they are definitely out of my brain, yet something inside keeps telling me this is not the end.

    Originally Posted by Andrina
    From what you've written, I see her as a total flake. She batted you around like a cat torturing a mouse--teasing, and then striking with more blows. And you want to go back for round two of that? Your self worth is a lot lower than you realize.
    From my description it may seem like it, but it wasn't. I know it sounds scary, but it's like I triggered a personality change in her (and I'm curious what was the trigger).

    Originally Posted by Andrina
    People who are taken are totally off limits, ethically. You are crossing ethical boundaries to contact a taken woman when you have romantic feelings toward her.
    When I contacted her, I didn't know she is dating, and the reason for contact wasn't romantic. There was something I wanted to talk about with her.


    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If she was really into you but something bothered her about your behavior, she would have addressed that issue with you.
    That's the strange (for me at least) part. She always communicated with me a lot, but this is something she told her friend (who later told me). And even though she claimed she doesn't like something and doesn't want me to contact her, she kept initiating contact herself.

    Originally Posted by Andrina
    With any of these scenarios, she's not good gf material now or for the foreseeable near future. You should be concentrating on yourself right now and remain single until you achieve self love while learning to spot red flags sooner. Most times, you have to get beyond the honeymoon period, when you're usually just scratching the surface of who a person is, before getting to the reality of knowing a person far longer.
    I got to know her more than any other woman before in that phase honestly. We talked about a lot of things, for many hours, and not only good things, also painful things in our life, we opened up to each other a lot about everything, which only made me want to be with her more with all her imperfections.
    You are right about concentrating on me, but I intend to stay single for good, cause I don't open easily to new relationships and it takes me 2-3 years before I trust someone again. Also honeymoon period is funny, cause all my relationships were in that phase when I started being involved more and those relations lasted for a long time (longest 8 years). This time... I will never forget the day when she came to my place, everything was good, she wanted me to come to her place next weekend... the moment I said I carer and see a good future, she suddenly got sad and didn't want me at her place. Scary and puzzling. I keep asking myself if it would be OK if I kept my mouth shut back then.

    Thank you for your reply. Some part of me still hopes I will be in touch with her even if not as romantic partners, or at least I will get a conversation that will be my closure and I move on with my single life.

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  6. #15
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    She sounds emotionally immature, and on the rebound when she started dating you.

    Now she's bounced off to the next guy. Unfortunately, she's not someone you can take seriously. She was fantasizing about the future, but it holds no weight when you've only dated a couple months.

    It hurts, but this was not likely to work out in your favour.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Some people are more in love with the IDEA of being in a relaiotnship out of desperation and not truly in love with that person. That's why she went full speed. Infatuation will get the best of us...the honeymoon stage where there's talk of babies, marriage and a future...but it's all talk bro and not to be taken as promises. You can't brush off the fact you have only known each other for two months.....you can't possibly truly know someone in that short of time, to be the perfect partner. It's all hot a blaze that quickly fizzled out. You need to take a step back, and have a hard look at what really happened with out those feelings you are harboring.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with everything being said, with an emphasis on her being emotionally immature—and, well, by extension you having a few things to look at within to ask what you find so compelling about that. Not saying you're a mess who needs to lock himself inside a chastity chamber for 2-3 years, but that dusting a few hidden corners might clean the slate a bit, and put this chapter in perspective as just that: a chapter, not the story.

    You didn't "trigger" any personality change in her. No one is that powerful, particularly with people we've only known a few minutes in the scheme of life. Think about it all without making yourself, or her, the star of the story, but just characters, and you'll see that what was "triggered" was just the flip side of everything you liked: impulsive "feelings" that come out of nowhere. Nice cars can go from 0-60 quite fast, but they also go from 60-0 quite fast, if you dig. Their breaking is just as powerful as their acceleration.

    Personally, I've always hated the phrase "honeymoon phase," as I think it's primarily used only to describe relationships that either (a) didn't have much juice to squeeze or (b) have squeezed out all the juice but neither party wants to admit it. Something to think about, maybe. If ultimately what you want is a relationship that is good for longer than 6 or so weeks—well, the clear takeaway here is that this was not that. That's not because of something you did (again, humans aren't that powerful) but just a kind of fact that time has revealed.

    A lot of your current spinning right now is your brain looking for ways to keep that fact at bay, because it's painful. But it won't destroy you, if you let it in. Might even help adjust the compass a bit so you move toward different kinds of connections—ones where you don't even think about things like the "honeymoon phase" because you're too busy enjoying each new phase that evolves.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You can't get her back. You can't force people to get back to you just because you wish it.

    She is currently dating someone else, blocked you on IG and unfriended you on FB.

    Never grovel. Don't pester nor bother her. She has a new life with her new boyfriend and you need to respect and honor her wishes.

    Continue working on yourself and accept her decision and choices even if you don't like it. That's life.

  10. #19
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    The overall impression I get is that this woman came on way too strong, way too soon. Overkill (imo). Anyone who talks about wanting children with someone they hardly know (3 months IS way too soon to bring up wanting children with you, imo), .... are red flags. She sounds emotionally immature. Thankfully it was only a short-lived 3 months and not too much time invested. Instead of trying to get her back, view this as a bullet dodged. I know it hurts, for now, but you will get over it.

  11. #20
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    I met a woman recently (when trying to distract my mind) who told me on the first date she wants children soon... (no worries I don't treat people bad or go into rebound relations, I told her I can just talk, I'm not over someone I care about)
    Another one who was hitting on me (a friend of the woman I was with) told me she wants children in about 2 years and she started trying hard to catch my interest cause "I'm an awesome guy and she was hoping it will work for me and her friend (the one I was with) because she would be happy with me"...

    I guess I'm attracting women like that, who feel I'd be good father material or I don't even know what is going on. Why do they tell me that if I'm not saying anything about it.

    It makes me think it's women's inner clock, and the ones I meet who are 30 years old or more, just feel like having a family. I obviously may be wrong, just my experience lately.

    I honestly was hoping that being 30, almost 31 yo, means a woman knows what she wants and who she wants and has enough of toxic relationships she was in... I guess not and maybe she's dating someone who doesn't care, cause she's used to it and it would be perfect for her. (doing mind reading now, I know I shouldn't)

    At least it feels like a better day, maybe getting out of my depression.

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