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At odds with Wedding Day Situation


reaston

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When I was 24, I was diagnosed w/ Lyme Disease and suffered a rare effect of my liver not being able to process alcohol at all. When I would drink one beer, my body responded as if I'd gulped 5. I got very sick very quickly; it was miserable.

 

I haven't had symptoms of Lyme in about 3 years but still feel anxious about alcohol, and also have not tried a drink since feeling normal again.

 

My fiancee and I have never had a drink together. She has been continuously curious of when I'm ready to "try drinking" again

 

I'm 29 and we are getting married this fall and she has been getting very frustrated and upset with me that while she will be drinking our wedding day, I may not be and therefore not want to kiss her on the lips so as to not get alcohol on my own lips/tongue, etc. We have discussed this to the point of arguing and even walking off on each other.

I feel pressure.

 

I personally am 100% okay with her drinking on our wedding day even if I do not. She plans to have drinks throughout the day. She is angry with me that I am "not making an effort" to drink again.

 

Am I being too slow about it and not prioritizing our wedding day by not making it a priority to try drinking again? I feel like our wedding day/kissing/drinking situation is more important than my level of comfort on what is also MY wedding day.

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Look, I'm a man who loves his fair share of bourbon or mezcal. But under no circumstances should anyone be pushed to drink by so much as a friend at a birthday party, much less someone you're exchanging vows with. Even if by more or less a medical necessity, I consider it nothing but admirable that you're willing, able, and indeed persistent in enjoying your wedding day without booze. Her pushing you to "try drinking" again is a tremendous red flag.

 

That said, despite you being "100% okay" with her drinking on your wedding day, it's kind of its own red flag if you're telling her you two can't kiss if she has a glass of champagne wit her bridesmaids during the preparations. Alcohol evaporates very quickly, especially from a direct surface like someone's lips. It'd honestly be pretty controlling to hold her to complete abstinence lest she forego a kiss at the altar. And unless you're drinking her spit, it's incredibly improbable you'd ingest enough residual alcohol to experience second-hand effects, even if she went hard at the Jack Daniels.

 

So at the end of the day, you've got two issues you could very well take the high road should you separate them. It appears she's keen for you to take on drinking in whatever recreational capacity you're not comfortable with. That's about as harsh as an incompatibility as it gets. I'd really take it seriously. The other issue is how hard you essentially dictate her behavior on her wedding day with regard to drinking. If her drinking is a deal breaker to you, that's fair enough. But putting on her that you'd have to forego affection should she partake borders the same controlling behavior she seems to seek to impose onto you.

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I believe her concern is less about whether you will drink or not but more about the fact that you withhold affection from her when she does.

 

You developed a sensitivity to alcohol not an anaphylactic allergy. And it was likely temporary.

 

Tell her to have a drink tonight , give her a big pash and test the water lol

 

I think you are both equally unreasonable here. Find the common ground.

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I don't drink due to medical reasons. Sometimes people try to push me to drink. Or they say "How about beer/wine/whatever? Have you tried that?" As if not drinking is some kind of tragedy that I NEED to "try" to overcome.

 

So I explain in gruesome detail what happens to me if I drink. That always shuts them up.

 

Why is it so gosh darned important to her that you drink?

 

Also, you will refuse to kiss her if she drinks? How little contact do you have to have with alcohol in order for you to become ill?

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That's just not right! What is wrong with her putting this pressure on you? How utterley selfish is she to not be caring about your well being. If it's got to the stage where she's having walk off pissy fits about such a minor issue what is she going to do when you jointly encounter far more legitimate problems within your future marriage. Trust me there will be ups & downs. Partners should support and encourage each other, not promote something your not happy about. Unless she climbs down off her little pedestal I'd seriously reconsider the prospect of spending your life together.

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If it's got to the stage where she's having walk off pissy fits about such a minor issue what is she going to do when you jointly encounter far more legitimate problems within your future marriage. Trust me there will be ups & downs. Partners should support and encourage each other, not promote something your not happy about. Unless she climbs down off her little pedestal I'd seriously reconsider the prospect of spending your life together.

 

What about his pissy fits where he walks off on her? He said they both do that?!

 

He did used to enjoy a drink. But he has become so paranoid that he won’t even kiss her if she has a drink.

Imo she has been patient with his paranoia but now just wants him to kiss her on her wedding day!!!

 

He pretends to be the innocent party here but really he has not tried to even try to kiss her if she had a drink?!?

 

I feel for her!!! She is not trying to turn him into an alcoholic , she is trying to get him to be reasonable! Which he isn’t!!!

 

He says it’s fine for her to have a drink on their wedding day but he won’t kiss the bride???

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What on Earth! Whether you have an illness or not, drinking first and foremost should be a personal choice. You don't have to drink if you don't want to. It's up to YOU. Some people with no medical conditions actually choose not to drink at all. Nobody has a right to pressure or force you to drink. I don't understand why she even has an issue with this. Why does she even care if you drink or not. She can drink if she likes, you not drinking doesn't change anything. If she has some weird problem that you don't drink and is asking "when will you be ready to start drinking", are you sure it's a good idea to marry?

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What about his pissy fits where he walks off on her? He said they both do that?!

 

He did used to enjoy a drink. But he has become so paranoid that he won’t even kiss her if she has a drink.

Imo she has been patient with his paranoia but now just wants him to kiss her on her wedding day!!!

 

He pretends to be the innocent party here but really he has not tried to even try to kiss her if she had a drink?!?

 

I feel for her!!! She is not trying to turn him into an alcoholic , she is trying to get him to be reasonable! Which he isn’t!!!

 

He says it’s fine for her to have a drink on their wedding day but he won’t kiss the bride???

 

I don't see where he said he never kissed her if she drinks? He said they've never drunk together. Doesn't mean she doesn't drink other times and he's just not there? "She has been continuously curious of when I'm ready to "try drinking" again". It's not up to her to say that he should start drinking! Full stop.

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He did used to enjoy a drink. But he has become so paranoid that he won’t even kiss her if she has a drink.

Imo she has been patient with his paranoia but now just wants him to kiss her on her wedding day!!!

 

He pretends to be the innocent party here but really he has not tried to even try to kiss her if she had a drink?!?

 

Another fine example of empathy for this man who has already explained that any amount of alcohol makes him feel ill.

 

 

OP, I hear ya. I feel nauseous over the smell of alcohol, nevermind someone trying to kiss me if they have been drinking.

It would not go down well.

 

But what to do? She shouldn't force you or guilt you into drinking, whatsoever. As for kissing. That's a tough call. I hope you both come to some sort of compromise, because honestly, this is something that could stop the wedding before it even happens.

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If you can't/don't drink, then don't. She's being selfish and childish. Use this time to rethink her and if this marriage is a good idea. By the way why is she such a heavy drinker? It sounds like she is a bit too attached to her booze.

she has been getting very frustrated and upset with me that while she will be drinking our wedding day. She plans to have drinks throughout the day. She is angry with me that I am "not making an effort" to drink again.
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I'm wondering why you want to marry such an unreasonable, selfish bully of a woman who gets angry when you dont want to try a drink, given how you have reacted to it because of Lyme disease. Have you discussed this with your doctor? What did he or she say? If you have talked to a doctor, why not?

 

She's acting like a bridezilla.

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You may never be able to drink alcohol again. If she doesn't except you drinking sparkling apple cider/grape juice for the toast, i would get into a marriage counselor's office immediately and consider postponing the nuptials as she doesn't have your best interests at heart

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PS: I would loosen up one thing. She can kiss you on your wedding day, she just needs to drink water or eat something after she drinks alcohol. I don't see how someone who drank alcohol an hour ago can affect someone by kissing them? Its not like you are going to play tonsil hockey in front of Aunt Matilda -- when people clink their glasses, the couple usually gives eachother a quick peck. But other than that, i am with you. Its not a choice for you not to drink alchohol and she is being a jerk

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Thank you for your input.

I hope I've clarified that I don't think her concern is whether I will drink or not, but how comfortable I will be kissing on our wedding day and how often.

 

Wedding day or not, a topic of debate between us has been that I am moving too slowly in figuring out whether I can drink again and she can't understand why I am taking so long.

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Why even debate this? Is this an arranged marriage? If you do not want to drink for whatever reason, that's your call. Reconsider someone this controlling. Do you tell people what to eat, what to drink, etc? No, why? Because that is crazy.

 

Stop using the "my doctor told me Lyme, etc' excuse. Just say no. As long as you use third party excuses the longer you drag out the debate.

 

Why are you even debating this? Just tell her you have decided you do not wish to drink. As far as not kissing her on your wedding day, well that is weird. It seems like these nonsense non-issues are really a manifestation of underlying problems.

a topic of debate between us has been that I am moving too slowly in figuring out whether I can drink again and she can't understand why I am taking so long.
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Thank you for your input.

I hope I've clarified that I don't think her concern is whether I will drink or not, but how comfortable I will be kissing on our wedding day and how often.

 

Wedding day or not, a topic of debate between us has been that I am moving too slowly in figuring out whether I can drink again and she can't understand why I am taking so long.

 

Why should this be any sort of priority? Do you miss drinking alcohol? Certainly if it was something that was a necessity and you were dragging your feet, fine - especially if it was a necessity for her. If it is her business at all, what has your response been?

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Wedding day or not, a topic of debate between us has been that I am moving too slowly in figuring out whether I can drink again and she can't understand why I am taking so long.

 

My guess is she apparently likes to run the show, and this one will be far from being her last rodeo. Either way, I'd give this more thought before making that trip down the aisle.

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I'm not one to shake things when you are about to get married but I feel you need to read this:

 

As for her not understanding why you are taking so long to figure out whether you can drink again - she doesn't get it. Fair enough. But it being a debate is a massive red flag to me. You don't drink at present. Full stop. She needs to respect that whether she gets it or not. Either she is comfortable with this or she isn't. Honestly, you want to marry someone who accepts you the way you are today. She is marrying who you are now, not who you could be or will become one day.

 

Are there any other instances where your decisions or life style choices are being questioned?

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Never force yourself to drink in order to appease and pacify others.

 

If you and your fiancee are arguing over this now, cancel the engagement AND wedding.

 

There are more underlying problems festering beyond the alcohol issue. She is selfish, controlling and disrespectful which will make your marriage disastrous. :upset:

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She sounds incredibly selfish and has total disregard for your underlying health issues. It blows my mind that she pressures you to drink when she knows the reason why you stopped drinking and what happens to you when you do drink. Totally disrespectful. She needs to learn to accept that this is your new life-style and if she can't do that, maybe it's time for you to re-think the relationship and/or cancel wedding plans.

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