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Thread: The guy I like has severe anxiety, but am I being too forgiving?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say you are being too forgiving. I'd say you really like this guy but are in over your head. The majority of people would be overwhelmed by this, as it's complicated and messy and not as simple as him being a jerk. It really is about his anxiety and the challenges that go with that. He probably can't manage what you need in a relationship right now. Not his fault, not your fault. It's one of those " is what it is, even though it sucks" situations.
    As someone who has dealt with severe anxiety for most of my adult life, his behaviors sound super familiar to me. I can totally see how someone who hasn't dealt with severe anxiety might think it's mind games, but I don't think it is about that. He's struggling to survive, as SherrySher said. It's not about you. It still impacts you, I'm not minimizing that at all. But realizing it's not a personal thing can be helpful, in being at peace and understanding it.
    I would avoid trying to get him to change by telling him this can't work unless he gets therapy. Keep it simple, if you are saying good bye. Don't say anything about being his friend. Keep it simple. I'd say that for any break up but in particular if you know the other person is not in the best position to be processing it on top of what they already have going on. Don't ask him to jump through hoops in the hope he could meet your needs. He doesn't meet them. It's ok. It's just not working.
    Nicely put, Grand. A great explanation that not only makes sense, but is kind. Thank you.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds stifling. Unfortunately you can't fix or change him no less manage his illness. Ultimatums do not work. Particularly when you insist someone change for you.

    Let the dust settle and give each other some space. Do more things with your friends if he's a homebody. Basically you seem incompatible.
    Originally Posted by Skylark89
    It's frustrating that his doctor just prescribes him pills. I've tried to gently suggest therapy, but he has no interest in going. I would really like to remain friends, if that's all we can do. I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. We have a lot of fun together. I don't want to have to say goodbye. :(

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Perhaps another homebody would be a good match for him. As for you, you're not happy and your fate lies elsewhere. You won't be able to fly anywhere on vacation. He might up and leave you sitting there if you went to the movies or a play or dinner with another couple, etc. If a relationship is regularly more upsetting than satisfying, it's the wrong relationship for you.

    I don't recommend remaining friends. You will have a hard time finding someone to date, because the new man in your life likely won't like you communicating with a man you were intimate with. And when he gets a new gf, you will either be placed far back on the back burner or the friendship will totally end.

    If a person has to change in a major way for you to be happy, and he doesn't agree that changing is in the cards, realize he has the right to be who he is and you have the right to see it's not working for you.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Spot on, Andrina.

    My husband and I are both homebody's, so there's no upset on travel or going out too much. It does work much better for those who deal with this disorder to have a partner who enjoys being a homebody.

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