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Thread: The guy I like has severe anxiety, but am I being too forgiving?

  1. #11
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    Every time you give him space and take him back you are condoning his behaviour.
    Basically your actions are telling him itís ok for him to treat you this way because you will be waiting for him.

    Time to change things and only you are in control of that right now.
    Donít reach out to him.
    When he reaches out to you , tell him sorry but that this behaviour is no longer acceptable to you.
    And that you need to walk away for your own sake.

    Do not tell him what to do , simply tell him what you need from a relationship and that you arenít getting it.

    If he begs or pleads for another chance , simply say you have done that and nothing has changed.

    If he likes you as much as he says , he will respect your wishes and if he wants to fight for you he will enrol in therapy and come back when he feels he has made significant change and not a day before.

    You can NOT be his friend or suppprt.
    That has not helped so far has it?
    It has only allowed him to continue with poor behaviour and disrespect to you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It really does bother me how people are treating a person with mental illness, as though they were a naughty child or worthless.

    Mental illness is no different than any other body part not working right. I am reading some of these replies, and am seriously shaking my head. It is sincerely horrible and so insensitive, it's not even funny.

    Would you treat someone with MS this way? Or heart disease? What about someone who was disabled?
    The brain can malfunction like any other part of the body, and this is exactly what anxiety disorder is.

    To punish or berate over it, is horrible...downright horrible.
    He cannot help it anymore than if he had any other kind of disease. And why people think that getting "therapy" will magically solve the problem, just floors me and shows how little the people posting, actually know about anxiety disorder.
    Therapy is not a cure, pills are not a cure. They might help, but then again, they may not.

    Anxiety disorder is a very complex and difficult disorder.
    What a person would need the most is understanding, acceptance, empathy, support. What some of you are promoting, is hate towards someone who is suffering with this disorder.

    I will say it again...he CANNOT help it. There is no way anyone would choose to live this way. It makes life a million times more difficult and whats worse, is to have people judging, criticizing, berating, humiliating.
    That's exactly what pushes people dealing with something like this, to commit suicide.
    Please be careful with your words. They can be extremely damaging.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Every time you give him space and take him back you are condoning his behaviour.
    Basically your actions are telling him itís ok for him to treat you this way because you will be waiting for him.

    Time to change things and only you are in control of that right now.
    Donít reach out to him.
    When he reaches out to you , tell him sorry but that this behaviour is no longer acceptable to you.
    And that you need to walk away for your own sake.

    Do not tell him what to do , simply tell him what you need from a relationship and that you arenít getting it.

    If he begs or pleads for another chance , simply say you have done that and nothing has changed.

    If he likes you as much as he says , he will respect your wishes and if he wants to fight for you he will enrol in therapy and come back when he feels he has made significant change and not a day before.

    You can NOT be his friend or suppprt.
    That has not helped so far has it?
    It has only allowed him to continue with poor behaviour and disrespect to you.
    I allowed my ex to treat me like this and worse. I tried talking to him, tried to encourage him to tell me what was on his mind, made numerous concessions, excuses and accommodations for him... it got me nowhere, as did suggesting to him that going to his GP would be useful because they could offer medication and/or therapy. He didn't want to do anything, though, and it had come to the point where his behaviour was impacting upon my life and self esteem way more than was possible to cope with. I did exactly what Billie28 has suggested and I am happier without him.

    Yes, it is an illness, but it is one that has the ability to make others ill too and they are within their rights to say "no more". Just because someone has mental health issues it doesn't force a partner to endure a lifetime of being treated badly by them (and, speaking from experience, they might not be able to help it, but they know full well the impact it has on their other half).

    To be honest, the anxiety, need for routine, over the top reactions, pushing you away, defensiveness and lack of apologies suggests Aspergers could be a possibility.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher

    I will say it again...he CANNOT help it. There is no way anyone would choose to live this way. It makes life a million times more difficult and whats worse, is to have people judging, criticizing, berating, humiliating.
    That's exactly what pushes people dealing with something like this, to commit suicide.
    Please be careful with your words. They can be extremely damaging.
    I know all too well about anxiety disorder. I also know that while it is an illness just like MS or cardiac disease , there are steps that sufferers can take to help recover.

    If someone you knew had heart disease due to unhealthy habits would you be ok with them taking a pill but continuing to eat excessive fatty foods and gain weight?

    Whatís happening here is that the sufferer is wallowing in his suffering, self pity and not taking the necessary steps to improve and excusing poor behaviour on his illness. He is NOT getting better.
    For the OP to stay as she is with him is not helpful at all.

    I was not berating him or suggesting the OP does.
    She cannot be his support.

    Be careful about your words as you may very well be instilling guilt in the OP to stay and thereby hindering this guys prognosis.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Okay...so "knowing" and living it are two separate things. Have you ever had an anxiety disorder?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Bull, there is no "recover" , You're just proving now you know little to nothing about anxiety disorder.

    You don't "recover". You can get therapy and take pills, go to support groups, Those all help with giving you coping skills, but they are not cures nor does a person ever recover.

    You may have times where it goes slightly into remission, but that too is not exact and not everyone follows the same pattern.
    What works for some, might not work for all.

    I can attest to that. I have had an anxiety disorder since I was 14. I have tried every therapy known to man....name one....I have tried it.
    Many had great ideas and they did help for a time. But you have no clue as to how overwhelming anxiety can become. It is NOT controllable and it is not something someone chooses.

    I have never been lazy about getting help. I have never felt sorry for myself or "wallow". God...such berating words to use for someone who is clearly suffering.
    But just the same, I have had jerks accuse me of "not trying hard enough" "not pushing myself more".
    For the record, I have pushed myself so hard, that I have flown internationally on my own, but there are other times where I panicked so badly I couldn't even leave my bedroom.

    In both cases, I was trying equally as hard!!!! I was pushing myself equally as hard!! But at times the anxiety lets up, at other times it so bloody overwhelming you can't think straight.
    But for people like you, to sit on your high horse and judge, when you have no clue, truly is a type of bullying.
    Do not lecture me on what I know or do not know about anxiety disorder.
    I have lived it, for over 30 years....what about you??

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Meditation, CBT, exposure therapy, support groups, anxiety forums, anti-depressants, benzos, hypnosis therapy, counselling..those are just a few that I have tried, and by "try", I mean worked my a** off for months, some even years.

    Some worked for a time, but it's no cure. I still have anxiety attacks. I still struggle to do certain things or go certain places. And it has gone on for the majority of my life.

    Thank GOD I was lucky enough to have good friends, a loving family and found a wonderful husband, to accept me and give me the support I needed. Because I know first hand how hateful people can be and are.

    So please don't berate me or anyone else with this disorder and pretend you know,.... when clearly you do not.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 05-03-2020 at 05:38 AM.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher

    So please don't berate me or anyone else with this disorder and pretend you know,.... when clearly you do not.
    I know first hand and I did not berate anyone.
    You have on the other hand berated me and judged me.
    I simply said the OP cannot help this guy at this point , because I know first hand.
    I am speaking from experience.

    I am glad you have support but I am sure you also realise that the OP cannot provide the same as your husband did given the fact that you were willing to try and did try to help yourself but the guy here is not!!!

    Please donít take my comments personally.
    They are not about you and in fact about another who is not doing what you did.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say you are being too forgiving. I'd say you really like this guy but are in over your head. The majority of people would be overwhelmed by this, as it's complicated and messy and not as simple as him being a jerk. It really is about his anxiety and the challenges that go with that. He probably can't manage what you need in a relationship right now. Not his fault, not your fault. It's one of those " is what it is, even though it sucks" situations.
    As someone who has dealt with severe anxiety for most of my adult life, his behaviors sound super familiar to me. I can totally see how someone who hasn't dealt with severe anxiety might think it's mind games, but I don't think it is about that. He's struggling to survive, as SherrySher said. It's not about you. It still impacts you, I'm not minimizing that at all. But realizing it's not a personal thing can be helpful, in being at peace and understanding it.
    I would avoid trying to get him to change by telling him this can't work unless he gets therapy. Keep it simple, if you are saying good bye. Don't say anything about being his friend. Keep it simple. I'd say that for any break up but in particular if you know the other person is not in the best position to be processing it on top of what they already have going on. Don't ask him to jump through hoops in the hope he could meet your needs. He doesn't meet them. It's ok. It's just not working.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I know first hand and I did not berate anyone.
    Do you have an anxiety disorder?

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