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Thread: Doubts and insecurities

  1. #1

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    Doubts and insecurities

    My boyfriend of 7 years and I have had a really rough couple of years. It started when I found out he had been on chat rooms with other women. Then I found out he had issues with gambling and online porn. Last September I found out he had had an affair lasting a month with a co worker. It was at this point that he really opened up and started talking about being abused as a child and depression. He has tried to get counselling and is on a waiting list for sessions. He has been opens with me since september. I have the log ins for all his social media/ bank accounts/ devices. He has talked to me about how he is feeling and we have really opened up lines of communication between us. He seem to really want to change and make a go of things. The problem is i keep going over things in my head. I cant get the thought of the too of them together out of my head. It's making being intimate with him very difficult. We used to have a full and adventurous sex life now i find that aspect really difficult. I want to let go of the negativity but I'm finding it hard. Is this normal? No I just need to give this time or has too much damage been done? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    at least he wanna open up now. thats good a sign.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live together? How invested are you in this? Sadly he is a pathological liar and you are only teaching him how to do it better. Whatever info you uncovered or he admitted to is the tip of the iceberg.

    You seem attached and dependent on him and therefore think whatever "log ins" etc he gave you to chew on and keep you off the real track is somehow going to change him. You are not going to fix him and what you are doing at present is merely honing his lying, scamming, cheating "skills".

    He has crocodile tears down very well, replete with faux remorse and sudden excuses about his childhood trauma. Read up on sociopathy and pathological lying. You however need to immediately get to a doctor for STD testing as a well as a referral to a therapist so you can sort all this out.

  4. #4
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    A bad childhood is not an excuse to behave like this. Stop excusing!

    I do not understand how you can continue with someone who has cheated and lied throughout the relationship. Is he supporting you, is this why you stay?

    He may be opening up, but he still is a cheater. This is who he is. Policing your relationship, is not a relationship.

    Stop wasting your time with this guy. End it, and get tested for STDs. I would bet money he has cheated with with more than one person.

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  6. #5
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    OP, what do your friends and family think of his behavior?

  7. #6

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    Very few people know the whole story only one or two close friends. When I told them they were total shocked one friend even went as far as saying we were the perfect couple. He is a very caring partner. We do everything together. Have the same interests. One friend knows everything and has spent a lot of time with both of us over the years. My partner aslo confides I her. She is convinced of his remorse over his actions and that he is desperate to get his mental health under control and build a stronger relationship. She has actually talked me out over ending the relationship and to give him a chance to prove himself.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Secrecy makes it look "perfect, right? But you know the dirty secrets. As long as you believe cheating, gambling and lying are diseases, you'll stay stuck in this horror. Let him go. Let him address his so-called illnesses and supposed childhood trauma alone. Why did he pull this childhood trauma revelation out of a hat only after being caught even though you've been together 7 years?

    In fact if he indeed has mental health issues concurrently with simple morality issues, he needs doctors, therapist, rehab, etc. and alone time to recover/reflect. The longer you play the 'stand by my man' game like a martyr, the more you are giving him the message that you are a doormat and can be easily fooled. It is basically enabling him to continue and in fact condoning his betrayals against you. Confide in your own friends, family and therapist, not his.
    Originally Posted by Clare60
    Very few people know the whole story only one or two close friends.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    A bad couple of YEARS, cheating and now he's opening up. Sounds kind of manipulative and all about him. You're not married, I would probably end it. Trust is very important. He broke your trust. And now here you are taking the brunt of fixing it. The reason you are so conflicted and your sex life is bad, is because of his actions. Not yours. It's ridiculous to expect so much of yourself, as to fix a trust he broke.

    Sorry but cheaters that get more chances, just cheat more. When we forgive, forget and force ourselves to repress how we truly feel, we are enabling them to hurt and take further advantage.

    After 7 years I can imagine why you think you owe him... But he did this. He owed you better if he wanted this to work.


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