Suspicion of alcohol problems or not?

So, here are the facts:

I don't drink, i don't go to bars, i don't really understand normal drinking culture so please from this,

can you tell me if i'm just being suspicious (from previous bad experience) or

he has an issue?

i have been talking with this guy since early february, we met twice when he came to nyc (from florida), had two dates,

first date was fine.

1. second date - was supposed to be sunday, he texts me sunday afternoon that he isn't feeling well, postpones to Monday (its ok) - came over my house, behaved very well,

i made lunch. - he said he was out whole saturday night going from place to place until morning - so his illness wasn't a cold...just hangover?

2. he called me once a week maybe once every two weeks - had a laryngitis (how does one get that in a lockdown?). Made a joke that he will call once he is able to have martini (OK).

3. We wanted to go to russia together (whenever this thing is over) - I said russia has beautiful sea, he said he prefers to spend it in bars in Moscow, went for soccer games two years ago,

spent out all nights 3 days, had food in the morning. "Could spent whole summer living there, you can go to the sea alone"..weird, no?

4. Keeps disappearing on weekends - almost every weekend, though he lives with his parents now. When I asked him about it (maybe i said something?) he said he is just spending time with them over the weekend.

5. the weekend before, called me completely drunk. talked for an hour +, said the next day he had too many martinis.

last friday - I made a joke - "what kind of saturday will you have with martini or negroni?"...took him 1.5 days to reply "I just had a little wine, if you can believe that"..

I texted him back this last sunday...checked WhatsApp messages wednesday...nothing...(haven't checked since)

Did I press the wrong button? is there an issue?

Aside from the long distance, you seemed suspicious of his antics already so I would just let this go.

Why? It's not going well at all. You described first date as fine. What is fine? Fine is something you describe as decent, fine as in having an aok day, fine as in yea I've had better, fine as in settling which also manifests to time wasting on your part and his. Then second date you described it as he "behaved very well." This is something a mom or teacher would say about a child.

If you ever catch yourself describing a man as behaving well, you need to stop and train yourself not to think as a MOM but as a valuable partner. If you want to be a valuable partner, I would stop putting effort and energy in to this dead end guy. That energy and effort needs to focus on you and why you choose a guy:

1) you are overly suspicious of

2) not compatible with

3) disappears on you

I feel that when you answer these questions honestly to yourself, you might find something about you that is hard to accept. When you are able to know where the problem lies within you - you will find your self-worth. That knowledge of self-worth is incredible and it'll empower and embolden you to never waste time on guys like this one.

Thank you Lootie. I only described those things as fine in a framework and context of drinking as I was requesting to assess on that vertical and not write too much :)

First date was fantastic as was the chemistry then and on the second, we could barely keep our hands to each other. What I meant was "behaved well" - inviting someone you met once, even if you texted to your house, is a bit risky. He "behaved well" as in being a gentlemen, not dragged me to my bedroom for sexy time, but he stopped himself as was difficult, the chemistry was very strong between us.

He is smart, loves his parents, caring, has a good sense of humor. (I'm pretty amazing too). I think this guy could be my match.

I am suspicious or overly suspicious because I was married before, to guy who proposed very quickly and turned out to be alcoholic, binge drinker. I had put in a tremendous effort in our relationship - but all was no avail. He would go out at night (at least once a week) and come home completely wasted. I had waited countless nights with my husband calling me every hour that he'll be home soon, I couldn't sleep, I lost my hair.

Turned out his family kept from me he had been to a rehab and left when he was younger. I filed for an annulment and I won the case.

This guy has been amazing, but because of my history, and the fact that I still don't drink - I don't know what's "normal"...I read online people call each other drunk and its totally ok...

in my case, the only other time it had happened, the guy had an issue. My perception is skewed,

Thus i'm asking...what i'm describing is reasonable or not ? am i overreacting?

Now that you give more context, I understand what you meant in your description of your dates. Are you sure this guy isn't married? The disappearing act and lives in FL, Hmm?

Levie, you are definitely not overreacting. Your gut is trying to tell you something and I think you need to listen.

Remind yourself that you might have this ideal picture of him BUT you don't really know this man and he's far from your view and disappears on you, and that's why you pay attention to his words. When you do pay attention to what he says, you are hearing things that trigger emotions and pauses on your part. So please listen to that voice inside you.

Also if a guy is really in to you, he doesn't disappear and reappear on you when he wishes.

You need to bow out and find someone who is willing to treat you like a hot commodity because duh you are!

He definitely enjoys a drink. That would put me off, at my age (39) I don't mind having a couple once in a while but I don't go well with people who indulge regularly.

But there are other red flags here. He's far away and seems only vaguely interested and available. I don't think there's much point in pursuing this.

You married a guy who proposed very quickly, turned out that you didn’t really know him at all and here you are making the same mistakes again??

Inviting a man to your home that you only had one date with and therefore know nothing about and after a second date discuss going to Russia on holiday?!?

The distance won’t allow you to ever truly know him and the only way you can is to be in close proximity to physically date and slowly get to know.

So let this one go and also try to figure out why you allow yourself to get ahead of yourself and get so involved with people you don’t know?

This is about compatibility at the most basic level. You don't drink or go to bars, but this guy seems to spend an awful lot of his free time doing that. He's not just having one or two drinks to be social, he's getting completely wasted. I don't think that would be attractive to many people, especially not when you're forming your initial impressions of them. There are plenty of men who either don't drink or who are capable of socialising without getting so drunk they have to cancel on you the next day. He's better off being with someone who likes to party. You've been burnt by someone with a drink problem before so it's understandable you're wary, but for me his behaviour would be a deal breaker regardless.

You don't give a lot of information, but what you do describe is definitely odd.

I think you should pay attention to the alarm bells that are going off in your head.

This is about compatibility at the most basic level. You don't drink or go to bars, but this guy seems to spend an awful lot of his free time doing that. He's not just having one or two drinks to be social, he's getting completely wasted. I don't think that would be attractive to many people, especially not when you're forming your initial impressions of them. There are plenty of men who either don't drink or who are capable of socialising without getting so drunk they have to cancel on you the next day. He's better off being with someone who likes to party. You've been burnt by someone with a drink problem before so it's understandable you're wary, but for me his behaviour would be a deal breaker regardless.

I completely agree. I think you're focusing on the wrong issue -whether he is an alcoholic is for a trained professional to decide. You simply have incompatible lifestyles and values. I will add that all over my facebook moms groups are constant jokes about moms and wine drinking. Except I don't drink much at all anymore (if I have one glass of wine total in one year, socially, that's a lot -I don't get drunk ever and nor would I do so when I have a child under my care). Anyway it's a turn off for me and not funny as I know people living with alcoholics/problem drinkers right now. So a person who dwelled on that sort of humor or talk regularly would not be a good match for me as a friend. And all that talk bores me. I don't need to know if that person has a drinking problem.

Why guess? AA is an excellent information resource. Read up on it: https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

I realise the OP’s question is regarding the alcohol consumption of someone she doesn’t know and giving a biased perception.

But I feel that responding to that alone is ignoring much more concerning issues.

It’s really irrelevant if the guy drinks , drinks too much in her opinion or drinks too much in anyone’s opinion.

What is concerning to me is that the OP is weighing too much on this over other things? Bigger red flags.

She can forward al anon links to him all she wants , but at the end of the day , it’s more worrying that she is already planning to go overseas with someone she only knows a few hours in person???

This is a big reason to only date locally so you can get to know people in the context of real life, as opposed to building fantasies around your own ideals 'about' someone.

You don't need to diagnose anyone as an alcoholic to consider their drinking to be a problem FOR YOU.

Why aren't you dating local? Why would you allow a stranger in your home for a first meet? I find this concerning and dangerous. Lastly, you are considering a trip to Russia with a stranger?! This makes no sense.

How old is he?

Have you visited him in his place? Does he live with someone or have a wife/kids?

4. Keeps disappearing on weekends - almost every weekend, though he lives with his parents now.

Have you visited him in his place? Does he live with someone or have a wife/kids?

I would bet on this!

You already made a huge mistake by marrying the wrong person. Instead of dating more wisely this time, you're choosing the hardest form of dating there is, where the pace of dating isn't normal, it usually takes far longer to see the skeletons to come out of the closet if there are any, it takes longer to realize the truth of who a person is in their normal surroundings, it's expensive, and you spend long stretches of time without a companion you can regularly get together with.

He speaks about alcohol a lot, and his life seems to revolve around it, so what comes out of his mouth is what's on his mind. As another poster said, if that's not your interest, doesn't that bore you? We do know that it's scaring you.

Only 2 dates in and you're so upset that you're writing on a forum. Why upset yourself for a mere stranger?

I think you have more work to do on yourself before dating again. Read articles and/or books about successful and safe dating, along with books on how to boost your self esteem because you're missing red flags, you're not being safe, and your self esteem is lacking. When you are ready to date, stick with locals. It's a far easier way to cut the losers loose quickly in order to find a keeper.

You already made a huge mistake by marrying the wrong person. Instead of dating more wisely this time, you're choosing the hardest form of dating there is, where the pace of dating isn't normal, it usually takes far longer to see the skeletons to come out of the closet if there are any, it takes longer to realize the truth of who a person is in their normal surroundings, it's expensive, and you spend long stretches of time without a companion you can regularly get together with.

 

He speaks about alcohol a lot, and his life seems to revolve around it, so what comes out of his mouth is what's on his mind. As another poster said, if that's not your interest, doesn't that bore you? We do know that it's scaring you.

 

Only 2 dates in and you're so upset that you're writing on a forum. Why upset yourself for a mere stranger?

 

I think you have more work to do on yourself before dating again. Read articles and/or books about successful and safe dating, along with books on how to boost your self esteem because you're missing red flags, you're not being safe, and your self esteem is lacking. When you are ready to date, stick with locals. It's a far easier way to cut the losers loose quickly in order to find a keeper.

Listen to everything said here!!

My self-esteem is fine. I live/-ed in NYC, NYC to florida - people go very often, he was going to come in a 1.5 weeks until Covid..and travel plans became unsafe.

I'm in Cali now, and he was going to come to Cali. To that end of living in nyc, he was local enough, people fly to Florida all the time just for a weekend, including myself

. Now people's lives have upended and shifted. It became more long distance though initially it wasn't intended to be.

We've been texting every day (until this past week). In part, I am extremely busy - i'm doing very hard and demanding masters semester and have full time job.

Maybe he goes MIA because he's dating other people? not out of the question ...we are not bf / gf.

Other than what raised my eyebrow, culturally we are very similar and compatible in that way, both in education, upbringing and family values.

I am russian originally so going to russia isn't like an exotic trip for me, I'm more local than he would be, I have a lot of friends and family.

He is a year older than me, and we are both in our early 40s, (though I look stunningly younger :).

I'm ok with someone drinking socially, a glass of wine here and there. I go to the bars to have dates. I usually don't drink at the bar, once in a blue moon, I have half a glass of wine.

I think thats quite common - but I was just surprised he called me drunk.

I don't know how common that is.

He is definitely not married, does not have kids and is living with parents, intended temporarily (I did a background check :)

As far as my self-esteem, I think its fine. My marriage was of short duration and finished some time ago.

His talk of including alcohol in conversations would be a huge red flag to me. chi

we are not bf / gf.

I just don't think he's a good prospect for you. At all.

Living with his parents at 40?

I am russian originally so going to russia isn't like an exotic trip for me, I'm more local than he would be, I have a lot of friends and family.

I think it's more the idea of making such a long-distance trip with someone you hardly know that raised eyebrows, rather than the location itself.

I also think that in addition to his alcohol consumption (which would be too much for my taste, too) his inconsistent interest would put me off. It sounds like he enjoys your company but isn't taking this as seriously as you might be. Personally, given the distance, his drinking, his wishy-washy stance? Eh, I'd move on. Doesn't sound like it would be worth the effort.

He may or may not have an issue with drinking too much - hard to say. Some people genuinely do have a problem and other people drink more than others but it's still okay for them. However, it doesn't seem like your lifestyle and his lifestyle are compatible with each other. You don't drink at all and he's dialing you up while drunk, doesn't answer promptly, and spends his weekends at the bars.

Doesn't sound compatible.