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Thread: My boyfriend didnt cheat, but definitely crossed a line.

  1. #21
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    I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

    Although he may not have physically cheated, if this is something you both see as a form of betrayal, I do think he has cheated, at least emotionally.
    He is angry that he got caught.

    I am in a similar kind of situation, and I understand how easy it is for outsiders to give you advice, but having to actually deal with possibly losing someone you love regardless is incredibly hard. Realise, you love who you thought he was, not who he actually is. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    He got mad because he got caught.

    Why is he pursuing this girl?

    There are so many images of naked women available on the internet for free. He has no excuse.

    To me, this does enter into the realm of cheating. I would definitely have a problem with it!



    Like what?
    I regards to what i meant by "i let a lot slide" i didnt mean it as i let him blatantly disrespect me. i just meant i gave him his freedoms, like if he wants to have friends of the opposite gender thats okay. of course it made me a bit jealous sometimes but he let me have my guy friends and i know he got a little jealous too. so it went both ways. basically, i meant i just didnt police him because i was his girlfriend not his mom.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you think he wanted you to find it? Or he thinks online flirting etc is fine? BTW this policy is poor and violates trust and privacy. Think twice about needing to go through anyone's phone and more importantly your own boundaries and privacy.

    People who police each other have major issues, so this finding is only a symptom of that.
    It wasnt really a "policy" we had set in place. neither of demanded to know each others passwords it was just something we shared. it was never really us policing each other. what i meant by it not being an issue to be on each others phones was that it was normal for us to use them. like if he needed to use my phone, laptop, or other personal item then he could and visa versa. i didnt mean it as it was the norm for us to go through each others things to see who were talking to. because on my end, that rarely ever happened because i just didnt really feel the need to aside from the rare other times. i cant say he didnt go through my things, i dont really know and dont care as i had nothing to hide.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jasknight
    So here is some context, currently we are dealing with the COVID-19 situation and because of this I hadn't seen my boyfriend for over a month. Weve been together for two years and overall things have been great. I can admit I do have trust issues based on previous relationships and things from my past and that's a problem I am trying to work on. However he's never really given me a reason to 100 percent not trust him. Yes, he does have a lot of girl friends and it does kind of make me uncomfortable but at the end of the day I cant and don't want to control him. Sometimes though I do get very insecure and I hate to admit it but I have looked through his phone before, only twice in the two years we've been together because I always feel awful doing it. But sometimes a feeling of burning curiosity comes over me and i just do it, mostly as confirmation that he hasn't done anything because for the most part I don't really think he is the cheating type.

    Well, just this week I was able to see him again after so long (well long to us, the most we've gone without seeing each other was like a week and a half) and that was really wonderful. However during the time apart I was worried of a distance forming between us because as time went on it felt like he didn't really want to talk to me as much and i don't know he just seemed distant. and i got a little insecure because what if the physical distance made him lose interest or something? i don't know but something felt a little off for me.

    Yesterday he spent the night at my house and we were hanging out today just relaxing. Well he fell alseep in the livingroom, his phone was in my room charging, and due to me having such an odd feeling about what was going on when we couldn't be together i went on his phone. I wasn't expecting to find anything as always, however this time I did. It was on his snapchat, there was a girl he was messaging and no shame to any kind of sex workers but she was a girl who clearly sold pictures of herself and I'm sure you can fill in the rest. what made me notice it was that her username said "[her name] ($ for nudes)", so obviously I was like what the..? The chat was only him messeging over a span of a few weeks, she seemed to be ignoring him or something. It was just messages like "oh i found your snap through a group chat you looked amazing" and "i can see your reading my messages why arent you responding" and such. it just seemed very fishy so i confronted him about it and was like what is this, who is this, what were you trying to do. and all the while he wasn't responding, just shaking his head no. I asked him why he wouldn't explain what was going on and eventually he said I'm not going to explain something that didn't involve anything wrong. I just wanted to know what his intentions were with her and what was up. he ended up getting really mad at me and said he didn't even want to look at me. so he left to go home. I don't know if I did something wrong because he got so angry (which he never really does, i was shocked when he said he didn't want to be around me) or what going on. I just don't understand because he was the one who had sketchy stuff going on, if it wasn't sketchy or wasn't what it looked like then why couldnt he just explain it?

    I know he didnt cheat but a boundary was definitely crossed and it is very hurtful. Because he knows without a shadow of a doubt that doing that kind of stuff is a no-no in our relationship. I let a lot slide, but that is something I am not comfortable with. So the fact that he would do that anyway just makes me feel like he doesn't value my feelings.

    I don't really know what to think, so thoughts?
    In bold is a big, "but why?"

    You're free to draw your boundaries wherever you like. Personally, it sounds so bizarro world that he'd be insistently hitting up one specific cash-for-porn account on Instagram over the course of weeks with no response. Honestly, it sounds much more like spam messages that would be coming his way, not from him. I hope you're dead sure that isn't indeed the case.

    To get to the point, "only" going through his phone twice in two years isn't some badge you should be wearing with honor. Not to suggest this guy's a peach, but making it a habit to placate your own insecurities by going through other people's things is a terrible habit that will ruin your chances with any healthy and self-respecting men in the future. In this situation, he may have been mad because at least by your account it appears he was caught, but I'd be right out the door if I spotted a girlfriend of mine going through my phone. Life's too short for trustless relationships.

    But insofar as you did go through his phone, why not act meaningfully once you do find something incriminating? Not that there's really ever any good excuse to invade someone's privacy, but doing so just to find issues to have a discussion over is among the worst. For instance, while I can't necessarily defend it, there's some level of understanding I can have for, say, a wife and mother who has some very evidence-based suspicions she'd rather do her best to confirm before flipping the family and household on its head with a divorce. But multiple times with just a boyfriend only so you can ask him, "Who's Tara?" I'm not one to pretend snooping is the end-all, be-all ultimate transgression. But if you're going to do it, you'd better "hope" the sin you uncover is greater than the one you're committing. And really, I'm not sure him hitting up an Instagram model for nudes is much if at all worse than your having invaded his privacy multiple times already.

    As others have said, there was never any trust to begin with. Now that this has happened, it certainly isn't going to magically manifest itself. And that's not saying in this particular case, he may not have been a "worthy victim," but it's not a good standard to operate on. I'd acknowledge it for what the relationship for all it ever was and take this opportunity to heal and move on.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    In bold is a big, "but why?"

    You're free to draw your boundaries wherever you like. Personally, it sounds so bizarro world that he'd be insistently hitting up one specific cash-for-porn account on Instagram over the course of weeks with no response. Honestly, it sounds much more like spam messages that would be coming his way, not from him. I hope you're dead sure that isn't indeed the case.

    To get to the point, "only" going through his phone twice in two years isn't some badge you should be wearing with honor. Not to suggest this guy's a peach, but making it a habit to placate your own insecurities by going through other people's things is a terrible habit that will ruin your chances with any healthy and self-respecting men in the future. In this situation, he may have been mad because at least by your account it appears he was caught, but I'd be right out the door if I spotted a girlfriend of mine going through my phone. Life's too short for trustless relationships.

    But insofar as you did go through his phone, why not act meaningfully once you do find something incriminating? Not that there's really ever any good excuse to invade someone's privacy, but doing so just to find issues to have a discussion over is among the worst. For instance, while I can't necessarily defend it, there's some level of understanding I can have for, say, a wife and mother who has some very evidence-based suspicions she'd rather do her best to confirm before flipping the family and household on its head with a divorce. But multiple times with just a boyfriend only so you can ask him, "Who's Tara?" I'm not one to pretend snooping is the end-all, be-all ultimate transgression. But if you're going to do it, you'd better "hope" the sin you uncover is greater than the one you're committing. And really, I'm not sure him hitting up an Instagram model for nudes is much if at all worse than your having invaded his privacy multiple times already.

    As others have said, there was never any trust to begin with. Now that this has happened, it certainly isn't going to magically manifest itself. And that's not saying in this particular case, he may not have been a "worthy victim," but it's not a good standard to operate on. I'd acknowledge it for what the relationship for all it ever was and take this opportunity to heal and move on.
    well i think you may have misread part of my post, he wasnt messaging some bot it was an actual person that he was trying to catch the attention of. and when did i ever say that i think only going through his phone twice in two years is some badge of honor? never did i say that, i know it was wrong of me but theres nothing i can do about that because whats done is done. i was only giving context for the situation, not trying to justify anything because it was only twice.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I hope that this immediate ugliness—his social media habits, your snooping—is all enough for you to walk away, heal, and find a better match. Perhaps that's with someone where the thought of looking through their phone doesn't even surface, because you both trust him and yourself enough to handle nerves and disconnect differently. Or maybe it's with someone who shares the view, as Sherry outlined, that the occasional sleuthing is acceptable inside the relationship, which is good stuff to talk about early and make sure you're on the same page.

    What seems pretty undeniable here is that this is not a man you trusted before this, and have no way of trusting in the wake of this.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Those that say you were right to not waste years of your life by snooping , are those that are not strong enough to trust their own instincts and walk away without evidence.
    Thanks for the judging, but not everyone lives their life according to others. It has nothing at all to do with not being strong enough and everything to do with being smart.
    I don't go snooping every single day, but if I had not trusted my instincts, I would have lived a hell of a life with men who lied and were doing very bad things behind my back.

    I HAVE blindly trusted and it wasn't correct. It's called being naive and I now know that it's not smart to live that way. Wisdom teaches a person that if something feels off, it very well could be. And if I have access to finding out whether I am being played or not, you're darn right I am going to make sure!

    If you choose to not live this way, so be it. But don't condemn those who make different decisions than you.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 05-02-2020 at 01:47 PM.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    For instance, I met a man on a dating site many years ago. We got on well, had a few dates. After a while, we both decided to go off the dating site and be exclusive. And I did delete my account.

    But I had a feeling something was up (and not because he did something wrong), but something in me wanted to make sure I was trusting the right person and not wasting my time.

    So I checked up on him on the dating site. And low and behold, he was still on there. Nevermind that he was telling everyone he was single (though he was telling me we were exclusive). He was going on about a sob story of not meeting the right person and to my face, he was saying I was the best woman he had ever met!

    You cannot take people for their word nowadays. If you have a way to make sure you're not being played...CHECK! No one is going to take care of you, but yourself.
    So many women and men being played and lied to. It really is a shame. The best we have, is to look out for ourselves and to make sure we aren't being lied to.

    Checking someones phone, meh..it's not the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world, is giving your heart to someone, blindly trusting them and being played a fool for years.

    Not everyone has the same opinion, and you know what? That's cool. We are all different. I respect that. But I don't trust blindly anymore. And it's guided me well.

  10. #29
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    The fact that you snooped showed that you didn’t trust him. Not saying what he is doing is right. I would end it

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Apologies for my rambling, but I wanted to mention a couple of last points.

    I am now married and my husband has like, 4 devices, (he's a techie junkie). I do not have the energy nor inclination to go through his devices every few weeks or every few months. And thank goodness, I do trust him completely.
    BUT, that came with experience and knowing that he is someone I can totally trust. (I would not have married him otherwise).

    Should the day ever come that something doesn't feel right, I would talk to him first. Tell him my worries and take that route first.
    If things still continued on being sketchy, I might take a gander, yes.
    But my point is, things would have to reach a point before I ever felt the need to look. And would really have to be pushed.
    But on a day to day basis, even week to week or month to month...you should be with someone you trust.

    If you do feel the need to keep looking, then he's not the right guy for you. You should never remain in a relationship that makes you feel insecure or where you are somewhat policing. That truly would be a miserable way to live.

    But to check on someone you just met or if down the line something feels really off? Then I don't see a problem.
    Just don't make it a habit.

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