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Thread: My boyfriend didnt cheat, but definitely crossed a line.

  1. #11
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    yes thats very true. for us it was always like whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine, so going on each others phone for whatever reason wasn't really seen as big deal. i guess i just always felt like i was abusing that freedom to snoop through his stuff the few times that i did do it. he would always say that he didnt care and that if he didnt want me on his phone then i wouldn't know his password. and yea, anytime i looked through his phone i always felt bad but relieved because i never found anything. unforyuantly this time was not the case and that really threw me for a loop. in my mind i was thinking, "watch, you're going to look through it and find nothing and feel like an idiot for looking" but then the first thing i see is him being disrespectful. sucks, but at least i know now. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    yea this was just such a shock to me that at first i really didnt know what to think. at first i did feel like maybe i was in the wrong completely and i was feeling guilty because i thought i was the one who messed everything up. however, after collecting my thoughts, thinking about it and talking with people about it i came to my senses. he was the one who messed everything up by being so utterly deceitful and disrespectful.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He's not a nice guy. He is into trashy women, (that's never a good thing and it's upsetting to find out). He doesn't think there's anything wrong with being involved with one, even if he has a gf and he will blame you if you find out what's going on.

    That's not the type of man you should be investing your emotions or trust into. He could do much more damage down the line if you do go back.
    Next time it could be a hooker he actually slept with.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I will preach what I always do, and if it's not everyone's cup of tea, so be it. NO one is going to look out for you. NO one will save you from a liar and a cheater, so if it means looking on his phone, do it!!

    You need to be careful in this day and age, and god knows what he might bring to your bed if this is the type of filth he is into.

    If something doesn't feel right and his phone is there, look, by all means. You will save yourself a lifetime with a loser who will only lie to you and hide things from you.
    Although I've not looked through someone's phone myself, I agree that it could save years of wasting your time on unknown lies and deceit (or, it could reassure you that your fears were unfounded, of course). It's all very well saying you should trust your partner and that the relationship is effectively over if you snoop, but the partner has the same responsibility to behave appropriately within a committed relationship, so it could be said that it was over when he starting contacting dodgy women. He crossed the line first and was clearly intending to keep doing so for as long as he could get away with it. When confronted he had nothing to say because he hadn't prepared for being found out... because he believed his partner should just trust him and not look at his phone.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    He got mad because he got caught.

    Why is he pursuing this girl?

    There are so many images of naked women available on the internet for free. He has no excuse.

    To me, this does enter into the realm of cheating. I would definitely have a problem with it!

    Originally Posted by Jasknight
    I let a lot slide
    Like what?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Jasknight
    he was the one who messed everything up by being so utterly deceitful and disrespectful.
    This is correct.

    He messed up. And my guess it's not the first time, but the first time he got caught. He clearly was feeling a little bold if he was messaging someone like that knowing you have his password. Either he's very stupid not at least attempting to hide it (which of course, is actually a positive for you) or he's managed to get away with it until now and forgot to bother deleting something inappropriate.

    Either way, I would be done. There is no way I would trust him again.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, please don't let him convince you that it was you. He's only trying to shift blame because he knows he was caught behaving badly.

    Between what you did and what he did, he was a million times worse and he shouldn't have been getting involved with a girl like that.

    I'm sorry he treated you like that. You deserve better.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    As others have said he's just shifting blame. So don't fall for his crap. hes mad at you. no. he's trying to manipulate you, into putting up with bad behavior.

    Dont kid yourself that this is the first time or the only thing he's up to. chatting for WEEKS! asking why she's the one not responding. what the heck, OP!

    You've let things slide and that's your fault. You should be done with people when the very first sign of disrespect happens. Its the only way to weed out bad people. We're too brainwashed about forgiveness... The very first time... I would say no! I'm not mad & there's nothing to forgive, because I know what fidelity and loyalty look like and I'm done with your foolishness.

    There are just way too many other people in the world. You have to find the ones that don't just talk the talk, they gotta walk the walk.

    I'm sorry he's a schmuck and it hurts. move on. focus on healing your trust issues by trusting yourself to walk away when this happens. Don't expect him to act better. FIND BETTER

    PS... Dont feel bad you checked his phone. I think in general, if you "need" to look, you will find. Find a guy, that you don't feel the need to look.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you think he wanted you to find it? Or he thinks online flirting etc is fine? BTW this policy is poor and violates trust and privacy. Think twice about needing to go through anyone's phone and more importantly your own boundaries and privacy.

    People who police each other have major issues, so this finding is only a symptom of that.
    Originally Posted by Jasknight
    for us it was always like whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine, so going on each others phone for whatever reason wasn't really seen as big deal.

  11. #20
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    Does the means justify the end???

    That depends on your perspective? You NEVER trusted him.
    It doesnít matter whether he was trustworthy or not.
    YOU stayed regardless of your mistrust.
    You claimed you trusted him but you didnít. Your supposed trust was based on never finding evidence in his phone .
    Trust is trust without proof.

    Those that say you were right to not waste years of your life by snooping , are those that are not strong enough to trust their own instincts and walk away without evidence.

    You did wrong by snooping. Not wrong by him necessarily but by yourself.

    Do you feel justified?
    Or do you feel crap by not trusting your own instincts???

    Never ever snoop. The only reason you do is because you donít trust your partner.

    And there is nothing worse than to have an untrusting partner. Irrespective of whether justified or not.

    Hopefully in the future you can be with someone that you can actually trust without needing evidence.
    Because needing evidence is actually the opposite of trust and would break down any relationship.

    Your admission to snooping has absolved him from his crimes. In his mind your behaviour was worse, many would agree.

    You clearly canít continue with him so end it before he does.
    Keep what dignity you have .
    Good luck!!!

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