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Hello all,

 

I'm trying to balance my mental health a little as I think my break up definitely wobbled it a little.

I found out my ex was on a dating website, which now I have accepted as she is totally free to do as she wishes. I decided it may be good for me to do so to. I went on the same one as her, not to spy before anyone says!

It just seemed it would be the best one for me in terms of opportunities and the fact it's free!

 

It would appear she has hidden her profile as she didn't appear on the search for my town-a blessing in disguise as we won't stumble across each other - but when I clicked the "who viewed me" tab, it showed she had looked at my profile-this would have been few weeks back though as I did log on when I recieved an email telling me I had a message- It showed her as online but I have heard that sometimes these sites aren't fully accurate with the online status.

 

I am assuming she has hidden her profile as at this stage, with lockdown, she may have seen it as a waste of time and will unhide it when things return to normal, this kind of gives me a little relief as deep down I would love to sort things with her.

Alternatively she may be hidden and is now chatting to the people that messaged her before she made her profile hidden.

 

Either way, I don't know how best to focus my mind as I think either thought process will cause me unwanted stress or anxiety

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Surely there are other dating sites that are free. How did you 'find out' that she was on a dating site? You should concentrate on erasing her from your life and then you can get some relief from your stress. But seeking her out online will only prolong your misery.

 

Sorry, I probably didn't explain it well enough. I got an email a few weeks back from the dating site (I was on it prior to being with me ex) I thought it odd that I had an email from them and it said I had a message, again, I thought this was odd so I logged on to see it. Turns out it was just advertising, trying to get me to use their pay version. When reading the message it shows a variety of people across the screen, I saw her there, I knew it to be a new profile as the picture was one she had sent me before we split.

I didn't intentionally seek her out. If I hadn't got that email I may have never known she was on there!

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Well, the best thing is probably to remove your profile on that dating site and try to meet people in other ways.

 

Yeah, this site just seems the best option as in the past I found I didn't really ever meet anybody via the other ones.

If she has hidde her proflle then I won't see her anyway, it was more so about knowing how best to process it in my head..

Do I move forward under assumption she is no longer using it or do I move forward assuming she is chatting to the people she had met in there prior to hiding her profile.

Sounds weird, I know but my mind constantly overthinks things!

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Therein lies your problem, you are overthinking things. Your not in a relationship with your ex and she is now free to talk to and date other new guys. Putting yourself out there on the same dating site in an obvious bid to keep an eye on her and her dating activity will only serve to prolong your misery. Time to move on....

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Doesn’t sound like you dated her for too long or that it was ever serious since you still had an online profile during your relationship with her. It’s irrelevant if you didn’t use it or had hidden it in that time.

 

You were temporarily off it only.

 

She is an ex , therefore it doesn’t matter what she is up to.

No one here can possibly know and neither can you. It’s just a guessing game.

But a guessing game where you will never actually find out the right answer.

 

Don’t waste your time and energy.

Get off your rocking chair. It’s getting you nowhere !

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Doesn’t sound like you dated her for too long or that it was ever serious since you still had an online profile during your relationship with her. It’s irrelevant if you didn’t use it or had hidden it in that time.

 

You were temporarily off it only.

 

She is an ex , therefore it doesn’t matter what she is up to.

No one here can possibly know and neither can you. It’s just a guessing game.

But a guessing game where you will never actually find out the right answer.

 

Don’t waste your time and energy.

Get off your rocking chair. It’s getting you nowhere !

 

Oh my profile was left there but never used. I had just never looked at how to delete it.

Yeah I know it doesn't really matter what she is doing. As I mentioned in one post, she is totally free to live how she wishes. It's just been a weird time and I miss her a lot, knowing she may have someone else to chat too, date etc is hard, especially as I know she has always had guys interested in her whereas I have been someone that rarely seems to attract girls so it makes me feel quite rubbish.

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It's just been a weird time and I miss her a lot, knowing she may have someone else to chat too, date etc is hard, especially as I know she has always had guys interested in her whereas I have been someone that rarely seems to attract girls so it makes me feel quite rubbish.

 

You feeling rubbish has got nothing to do with her.

So you need to start focusing on you and less on her.

Which will make you more attractive and interesting to another.

 

There is no reason to be jealous of your ex.

She might have 20 guys expressing interest in her which equates to zero if she is not interested in them.

 

You only need one person to have mutual interest.

 

You are clearly not ready to date yet. So take time out to do things for you before getting online again.

 

Good luck!

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You feeling rubbish has got nothing to do with her.

So you need to start focusing on you and less on her.

Which will make you more attractive and interesting to another.

 

There is no reason to be jealous of your ex.

She might have 20 guys expressing interest in her which equates to zero if she is not interested in them.

 

You only need one person to have mutual interest.

 

You are clearly not ready to date yet. So take time out to do things for you before getting online again.

 

Good luck!

 

Yeah you are totally right. If she did have 20 guys interested in her, I can guarantee she will be interested in at least one. Whe we got together she told me how she would often find herself being dumped but getting involved with another guy quickly as she needed to feel wanted/loved/attractive.

This is where it backfired for her as many guys saw it as an opportunity to get a girl into bed and then just walk away. As a result of that hurt she looked for someone else and the same thing happened. I'm hoping for her mental health she doesn't do that again

 

As for me, I know what I need to do, I just have to take those initial steps. In a way its a shame I care so much for her as I would like to just brush it off and carry on as normal as it appears she was/is

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Yeah you are totally right. If she did have 20 guys interested in her, I can guarantee she will be interested in at least one. Whe we got together she told me how she would often find herself being dumped but getting involved with another guy quickly as she needed to feel wanted/loved/attractive.

This is where it backfired for her as many guys saw it as an opportunity to get a girl into bed and then just walk away. As a result of that hurt she looked for someone else and the same thing happened. I'm hoping for her mental health she doesn't do that again

 

As for me, I know what I need to do, I just have to take those initial steps. In a way its a shame I care so much for her as I would like to just brush it off and carry on as normal as it appears she was/is

ok Rb.... here's my take....

 

with the quarantine and all that's happening, its nearly impossible to date new on line prospects. You run the risk of not only transferring/ contracting a virus.

 

There's an even greater risk of transferring a lot of feelings to a person that is not really who you think they are. Which will only prolong your healing journey.

 

I think quarantine is a perfect time to get over someone, process a break up, etc. I know anyone in that situation probably doesnt see it that way. But hear me out...

 

There is virtually no pressure to do anything but take care of yourself. No FOMO because let's face it, anyone out and about is taking a big risk.

 

And there's plenty of time to nap, read, eat junk food, and just couch.....

 

No one is really having a great time. its stressful and a lot of fear of the unknown. Just like being dumped.... So you are certainly not alone in feeling like poop.

 

Start pushing thoughts of her away. Thats really the only way to control it and detach. When you think of her, say no, I'm not thinking of that and think of something else. Try meditating and breathing exercises...

 

Be happy for what you do have, food, clothing, shelter. Entertain yourself. You will start to feel better and you just have to trust that.

 

Then when this is over and we are able to meet in person, you will have healed from this and ready to be a good partner, again.

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Lovely, wise words from Lambert.

 

If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll admit you're not on that app because you want to date, are ready to date. You're on it because (a) you're hurting; (b) your ex is on it; and © you've created a story that she's moving on "successfully" while you're "failing." Not the best headspace for connection during a time when forming new connections, in any genuine way, is all but impossible.

 

What you're calling "overthinking" is, ultimately, just trying to not not think about the above facts, like sitting out in the cold but imagining a tropical island. It's one way, but it only gets you so far, and doesn't actually warm you up. For that, you need to go inside and sit by a fire for a bit.

 

Maybe you can use this time like that? It's going to be over sooner than you think, and I do think this is a rare opportunity for us humans to check in a bit, to get comfortable with some discomfort. Sounds kind of awful, I know, but it's a bit like swallowing down a big ol' vitamin: weird at first, then edifying, strengthening.

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You began this post stating your ex was free to do what she wishes and despite that her being on a dating website, that is the only dating website you would consider.

 

She's hid her profile from you to side step any awkwardness. . . But now all there is is awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings.

Have said that, this now absolutely not best website for you.

 

Though you say her activity is finding you, it's you that is finding out her activity. You are responsible for your own discomfort when you choose to expose yourself to these things.

 

In addition you have a lot of of unresolved feelings for her so it's not even advisable that you consider dating for the time being.

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You began this post stating your ex was free to do what she wishes and despite that her being on a dating website, that is the only dating website you would consider.

 

She's hid her profile from you to side step any awkwardness. . . But now all there is is awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings.

Have said that, this now absolutely not best website for you.

 

Though you say her activity is finding you, it's you that is finding out her activity. You are responsible for your own discomfort when you choose to expose yourself to these things.

 

In addition you have a lot of of unresolved feelings for her so it's not even advisable that you consider dating for the time being.

 

Thanks for your reply. Just to clarify, she didn't hide it from me as such. It's hidden on the site as a whole so nobody would now see it, other than people that she struck up conversation with prior to hiding it.

 

She's totally free to do as she wishes as I have no relationship with her. Im just still feeling awkward as I have a thing called "retroactive jealousy" where I look at her past and judge myself on it. I know its bad and I'm working on how to fix that.

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