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Thread: Not sure where to go from here....

  1. #1
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    Not sure where to go from here....

    I have been posting on this site for some time off and on and have gotten excellent advice. :) I think I'm at a turning point but I'm having trouble figuring out what to do. I know that most people will tell me that the answer is easy, but from posting on this site I have figured out that I am definitely trauma bound with my husband. We have been married for fifteen years and have two kids. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me and the kids in the past. I almost left him back in January, and had actually met with an attorney. He cried and begged me not to leave and told me that he was sorry. He would see a counselor, and get help. He had me write a list of all the things he had said to me/us so he could give them to his counselor. I began seeing a counselor every week as well to work on my self esteem and boundaries. Since then, things have gotten somewhat better in a way. He no longer does name calling, but his attitudes about certain things remain the same. For instance, our five year old had been playing and took all of our pillow off of our bed. It made him upset, he thought she was doing it to be disrespectful, so he went in her room and knocked her bed completely over. She was crying, and upset and I told him that it was inappropriate completely. I actually almost divorced him again after that happened, but it was right when things were shutting down for Coronavirus and he convinced me that it was not a good time to split up the household. Instead of taking what I was saying about discipline and the kids seriously and trying to see my point of view, he has gone completely opposite, not disciplining or telling them to do anything at all because he thinks I "just want him to be like a stepdad" and not tell them anything because "he's a jerk". So every time they do anything, he'll come get me to do the discipline. His big thing is keeping the house organized because clutter and messes give him anxiety. He came in my office and noticed a small sign here sticker that was on the carpet and started telling me how I don't notice anything on the floor, and I can walk over something three times without noticing it or picking it up. I had enough, because it was within thirty minutes of him arriving home from work, and I had already heard how we don't load the dishwasher right, and I'd better not leave my laundry in the basket on top of the dryer for a week like I normally do (even though I don't). I spoke up and told him to basically knock it off and he went silent on me for three days. When I finally got him to talk after his therapy session, he said he didn't want to communicate with me because I just want to get divorced and I don't understand what he's saying. He said that the messes give him anxiety and I don't have any empathy for him. I'm just not sure we are compatible.....none of us can eat chips around him because the chewing also gives him anxiety. Even if we are chewing with our mouths completely closed, the noise bothers him and he has to say something. I don't feel like any of us are comfortable. If we ever argue out right he always has to say "fine, you win...." like there's a winner and a loser in everything. I am thinking that divorce is probably the best option...it doesn't seem like he gets the seriousness of everything we've been through. Even though he is not saying the words he used to, we still remember being called stupid, and lazy, and retarded; and the attitude is still the same even though he is biting his tongue. Why is this so hard? I almost get to the point where I'm halfway out the door and he brings me back in. Am I crazy? Am I not being empathetic to him and his stressors?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why let him terrorize, abuse and damage your children? You realize once your kids are in school or talking to other kids/their parents someone will report you to CPS.

    It surprising that you are not in therapy and instead expect an abuser to change their ways. You need to get a restraining order for her/yourself, your workplace to get him out of the house away from your innocent children.

    My advice remains the same as your other thread on his abuse of your kids: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    We have been married for fifteen years and have two kids.

    our five year old had been playing and took all of our pillow off of our bed. he went in her room and knocked her bed completely over.

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    Thank you so much for your response. I am in therapy, every week. He goes to his own therapist once a week as well. I'm not sure what he is telling her, but from what he tells me, she is in agreement that I am acting very "typical" of what she'd expect. :( I don't want to expose my kids to any abuse. I kept thinking that with the words not being said it was better....but the bed being tipped over seemed very bad to me, even though he said it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Flipping over a five year old's bed? What the heck, OP. This is not normal by any means.

    He has serious anger issues, is completely immature in his communication style and he is down right mean. I am sure this is having negative impacts on all of you. The children need counseling as well and you as the adult and parent, need to do more to protect them. Namely, get their father out of the house.

    I was with an emotionally abusive, angry, immature man. It was hell. The ignoring or the screaming or the mean words. it's hard to know which damaged me the most. I blame low self esteem. Even after I found the courage to end it, it was still a long road. I still made bad choices with men...

    So I do understand. You're trying to understand in essence we are all flawed in some respect and do horrible things we wish we could take back. But you have children... They need an advocate. They deserve to grow up not walking on egg shells and afraid in their own home.

    What can you do to start this ball rolling, considering the quarantine? Counseling for the kids and kicking him out?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do not ask him what his therapist tells him. You keep inviting abuse and sadly invite it upon your kids. Can your children stay with a responsible adult relative/friend since you won't protect them? Hopefully before CPS takes them away (as they should). You realize you are condoning the abuse. Standing by watching him abuse your kids and having a little chat with him afterward is as abusive as he is. Sorry. You need more help than just complaining about him.
    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    I don't want to expose my kids to any abuse. the bed being tipped over seemed very bad to me, even though he said it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    For instance, our five year old had been playing and took all of our pillow off of our bed. It made him upset, he thought she was doing it to be disrespectful, so he went in her room and knocked her bed completely over.

    This is more than inappropriate, OP, this is child abuse. What are you going to do about it? Wait until he kills her?

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    I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. I'm not sure I was clear in my post, but she was not in the bed at the time. The act of him doing that to her things was extremely inappropriate. I agree that I need to do what is best for my children, and I will do that 100%.

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I didn't think she was in the bed. The fact that he was so out of control in front of her and the anger was directed at her.... Do you know how terrifying that must have been for her?

    Stop normalizing this... Your poor kids....

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    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. I'm not sure I was clear in my post, but she was not in the bed at the time. The act of him doing that to her things was extremely inappropriate. I agree that I need to do what is best for my children, and I will do that 100%.
    It does not matter if the child was in bed or not.
    She is FIVE.
    Breaking, throwing, etc, something that belongs to a child because they did something that a child would do in play is ABUSE.
    That is like breaking every plate at the store because you found a chip in one.

    In your opinion. what is this "best thing" you are doing for the kids?

    If you are not at your parents house with them, a hotel, or have not called the domestic violence hotline, you are not doing in your child's best interests. Get a protective order also before he breaks her arm

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. I'm not sure I was clear in my post, but she was not in the bed at the time. The act of him doing that to her things was extremely inappropriate. I agree that I need to do what is best for my children, and I will do that 100%.
    Yeah, I gathered she wasn't because if she was, she'd already be either 6 feet under or in the ER with doctors calling in Family Services and investigating both of you for abuse. What he did wasn't inappropriate, it was ABUSE! Stop trying to white wash and make excuses for this creep you had the piss poor judgment of breeding with. You can't undo the breeding bit, but you have the responsibility to protect your child. Shelters are still open even in quarantine. Get your sh$t together and get out of there. Leave him. Stop lying to yourself about what he is. SO many resources for women in your situation....if only you'd stop the bs....

    I'm sorry but I need to step away from this thread. It's too infuriating to read a woman excuse a psychotic pos abusing a 5 year old child....inappropriate....effing a.....

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