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Thread: Not sure where to go from here....

  1. #11
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    he said he didn't want to communicate with me because I just want to get divorced and I don't understand what he's saying.

    go see an attorney.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So for most of her small life you have put her in the line of fire of this monster you love so much?
    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    08-22-2016:

    I have been married for over ten years to a man who I love a lot. He grew up in an abusive household. unhappy with his life and takes it out on all of us.

    he couldn't stand the two year oldHe said again that he hates having kids, and that she ruins everything. and I love them so much.

  3. #13
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    OP, you are going to land yourself in seriously hot water one of these days for not doing enough to remove your kids from this.

    The choice to get them out could very well be taken away from you if authorities ever have to intervene and take them away from you, too.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I don't mean to be funny, but your husband sounds like my mom.

    The extreme reactions, the victim mentality, the silent treatment, the oversimplification of problems to shift blame, the winner/loser mentality, the "I'll show you" mentality," the need for order, and the sliding scale when it comes to expectations.

    Does he shout apologies at you or seem resentful about giving them? My mom does that.

    I think she's mentally ill. I suspect she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but we will never know for sure since she will never go to a psychologist for herself.

    Maybe your husband suffers from the same (or similar) disorder.

    I'm not sure what your best course of action is, but I did find this video on Borderline Personality Disorder to be very enlightening, and others from the MedCircle site:


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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He has made little to no progress and isn't bothering to even try. He should have been in intensive therapy along with anger management classes.

    The small bit he has gotten help with, is a drop in the bucket. Obviously with how he is behaving, he has learnt little to nothing.

    You need to be asking yourself these questions: Have you exhausted every option in trying to work things out with him?, (ie: marriage counselling, personal therapy for BOTH of you. Once you have both learnt new coping strategies, then working on becoming close again.)
    Or are you even willing to do that at this point or have you just come to the end of your rope and want a divorce?

    Wanting a divorce does not make you a horrible person, nor does it mean you're giving up. It means you had bad treatment for too long and no longer have feelings for him and feel trapped in your marriage.
    Again, it's your right to have feelings like this and it's okay.

    If you want to move forward with a divorce, that's your personal decision to make. It's a big decision, so make sure 100% that you know this is what you want.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    he tells me, she is in agreement that I am acting very "typical" of what she'd expect
    Using the therapist to "gang" up on you and upsetting your children to this degree.

    Yes, I agree with the other posters, it's time to call it a day.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mamamia77770
    He goes to his own therapist once a week as well. I'm not sure what he is telling her, but from what he tells me, she is in agreement that I am acting very "typical" of what she'd expect.
    Now there's a classic gas lighting moment ! and honestly, if you don't trust what he's telling his therapist then there is no point in him even going.

    The only way therapy works is if the client is totally transparent and willing to take responsibility for their part. Not to try and make it the blame game.

    What's typical is he can act 'as if' for a short period of time, but lasting changes are likely not in store for him.

    He can give lip service to it and just because he's not calling you names, treating you all the same way is not an improvement.

    This is a pretty bad time to be going through all of this and being cooped up together just fuels the fire. I'd be concerned for your safety.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's not progress when someone goes to therapy for the wrong reasons. They learn catch phrases to tell their partner what they want to hear, just for the purpose of getting what they want. You need to really listen to your gut as to what their intentions are. You'll learn to know the difference when you hear it. Sincere words always has an action to back it up. The rest is just noise.

    I remember my ex saying things like that to get me to second guess myself. It was a way to deflect responsibility and gas light me at the same time. He would say something so awkwardly scripted, I knew his therapist prompted him to say it.

    I asked him once if he really stood behind what he was saying (because it didn't seem to come from a sincere place) or if he was just saying it to shut me up. You can guess what his answer was. It was an honest moment he tried to take back. But it just wasn't something he could come back from. The rest seemed pointless. Mind you, this is the man that wanted to save the marriage (but not change the dynamic)

    I'm sorry, this isn't about my experience but maybe my story might resonate with what you might be going through.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I don't mean to be funny, but your husband sounds like my mom.

    The extreme reactions, the victim mentality, the silent treatment, the oversimplification of problems to shift blame, the winner/loser mentality, the "I'll show you" mentality," the need for order, and the sliding scale when it comes to expectations.

    Does he shout apologies at you or seem resentful about giving them? My mom does that.

    I think she's mentally ill. I suspect she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but we will never know for sure since she will never go to a psychologist for herself.

    Maybe your husband suffers from the same (or similar) disorder.

    I'm not sure what your best course of action is, but I did find this video on Borderline Personality Disorder to be very enlightening, and others from the MedCircle site:

    diagnosis is dangerous to her because she now can justify that "he can't help it" and will stay. I think the circle of abuse would be bettter..

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What's more important to you, getting your husband to be nice to you or your children's safety and well-being?

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