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Online Dating Advice


Eliza50

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About a month ago I met someone on a dating site. We live close to each other but under the circumstances (coronavirus quarantine) we knew we couldn't meet before at least a month or more. So, we started chatting online and things seemed to be going well.

 

Pretty soon he asked for my phone number. I was reluctant at first because I'm not really the phone type, especially when it comes to people I haven't met in person and I did tell him that, but, eventually, I gave it to him and we've talked 4-5 times. It went fine, I think.

 

Anyway, we've finally planned a meeting for next week (quarantine is to be lifted) and, naturally, we're both excited about meeting in person.

 

However, he still insists on talking on the phone. I don't mind if we talk a couple times a week but he asks every time. Like, we'll be talking online and he'll go ''call me''. He says he expresses himself better on phone than in writing. I see his point but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I keep wondering what if we don't click in person and what is the point of talking for hours on the phone (we don't talk about sex or anything like that, just idle chat but still).

 

Last night he asked again, I said I couldn't and he goes ''ok, then, call me in the morning''.

 

I don't want to call him and I don't know how to make him understand how uncomfortable he's making me feel. At the same time, I do want to meet him next week and I don't want to ruin things before even meeting in person.

 

Can you give me some advice? I have no idea how to handle this situation.

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What is it about the phone calls that is making you feel uncomfortable? I'm just wondering because you are having the opposite problem most women face. Most of the men are promising to call or even text and not following through, and therefore, are coming across as game players.

 

This guy is keeping his word, showing interest and attempting to get to know you better than typed words. Is it because he is calling too much or is it because you don't like phone calls, or both?

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Is it because he is calling too much or is it because you don't like phone calls, or both?

 

It's because I don't like phone calls with people I don't know. I can't talk to him like I talk to a friend because I keep thinking that if we meet and chemistry isn't there or I find him annoying in person or he feels that way about me, it will be difficult to stop communicating when we've already formed a connection...for me, at least. I don't know if I'm making sense but chatting online feels less personal. As I said, I was fine with talking on the phone here and there but doing it every day feels like commitment...to someone I haven't even met in person.

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It's because I don't like phone calls with people I don't know. I can't talk to him like I talk to a friend because I keep thinking that if we meet and chemistry isn't there or I find him annoying in person or he feels that way about me, it will be difficult to stop communicating when we've already formed a connection...for me, at least. I don't know if I'm making sense but chatting online feels less personal. As I said, I was fine with talking on the phone here and there but doing it every day feels like commitment...to someone I haven't even met in person.

 

It makes perfect sense.

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It's because I don't like phone calls with people I don't know. I can't talk to him like I talk to a friend because I keep thinking that if we meet and chemistry isn't there or I find him annoying in person or he feels that way about me, it will be difficult to stop communicating when we've already formed a connection...for me, at least. I don't know if I'm making sense but chatting online feels less personal. As I said, I was fine with talking on the phone here and there but doing it every day feels like commitment...to someone I haven't even met in person.

 

I did this once -I love talking on the phone before meeting -once or twice -but we talked more often for the week or so it took to meet in person and later he accused me of leading him on after I told him after the second date I wasn't feeling chemistry - by talking to him so much (he called me and it was both sort of personal plus idle chat- NO sex talk or heavy flirting whatsoever) - I would tell him you look forward to meeting him in person next week and would prefer to talk just if you have to confirm plans (which you can also do by text).

 

I totally get where you're coming from.

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I am not comfortable talking to people I haven't met either. I did it once or twice in the past and it never made me feel more connected. It is unfortunate that you gave in to this dynamic, and now he things it's the norm to talk every day. He could well be a great guy, but you need to be more firm about your preference to not talk over the phone so much until you meet in person. Otherwise you are building up resentment before you even get to know him.

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I'd say: I think we've found out quite a lot about each other through the phone calls, which was great. However, I'm not much of a phone person, so lets save our next conversation for in person. Really looking forward to meeting you next week!

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I can very much relate. Not a phone person myself in these circumstances, at all. I could see myself (maybe) making an exception to that rule if I was trying to connect during quarantine, but if I was suddenly creating a phone "routine" with someone who expected daily chitchat—well, I'd be feeling exactly what you're feeling.

 

Curious: Inside a dating relationship are phone calls something you like? Or do you prefer communication to be mainly in person, with some augmentation over text? I ask because I'm wondering if you're also concerned that you're giving a false impression for how you communicate more generally.

 

Anyhow, I'd say exactly what Andrina offered above. Keeps the emphasis on being excited to meet, that you're enjoying things, while also being honest about who you are—which, hey, is ultimately what you want a person to be excited about.

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It's because I don't like phone calls with people I don't know. I can't talk to him like I talk to a friend because I keep thinking that if we meet and chemistry isn't there or I find him annoying in person or he feels that way about me, it will be difficult to stop communicating when we've already formed a connection...for me, at least. I don't know if I'm making sense but chatting online feels less personal. As I said, I was fine with talking on the phone here and there but doing it every day feels like commitment...to someone I haven't even met in person.

 

If you cant talk on the phone then you wont be communicating well in person. I dont understand your logic at all. If you talk on the phone it helps to break the ice of "meeting" a new person and getting to know them as much as you can that way. I think you may freeze up once you actually meet this guy.

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Curious: Inside a dating relationship are phone calls something you like? Or do you prefer communication to be mainly in person, with some augmentation over text? I ask because I'm wondering if you're also concerned that you're giving a false impression for how you communicate more generally.

 

It depends. If for some reason we can't meet often, I like talking on the phone but it's a different situation as I'm already dating them and I feel comfortable. This one is practically a stranger.

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If you cant talk on the phone then you wont be communicating well in person. I dont understand your logic at all. If you talk on the phone it helps to break the ice of "meeting" a new person and getting to know them as much as you can that way. I think you may freeze up once you actually meet this guy.

 

I've never had a problem connecting with people in person or on the phone for that matter. It's not that I can't talk to him, it's that I don't want to. Not before I've met him in person.

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I've never had a problem connecting with people in person or on the phone for that matter. It's not that I can't talk to him, it's that I don't want to. Not before I've met him in person.

 

I think you need to learn how to communicate that directly and politely to a person instead of playing passive aggressive games like "I can't call you because I'm busy."

 

Andrina gave a great suggestion how to express that in a way the other person will understand and still stay tactful and positive. What you are doing now is asking him to read between the lines and figure out what you actually mean and then behave accordingly. Since he is taking your words at face value, you are annoyed with him to the point of posting here. Tell people what you want from them directly and honestly and you'll save yourself a lot of grief like this.

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About a month ago I met someone on a dating site. We live close to each other but under the circumstances (coronavirus quarantine) we knew we couldn't meet before at least a month or more. So, we started chatting online and things seemed to be going well.

 

Pretty soon he asked for my phone number. I was reluctant at first because I'm not really the phone type, especially when it comes to people I haven't met in person and I did tell him that, but, eventually, I gave it to him and we've talked 4-5 times. It went fine, I think.

 

Anyway, we've finally planned a meeting for next week (quarantine is to be lifted) and, naturally, we're both excited about meeting in person.

 

However, he still insists on talking on the phone. I don't mind if we talk a couple times a week but he asks every time. Like, we'll be talking online and he'll go ''call me''. He says he expresses himself better on phone than in writing. I see his point but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I keep wondering what if we don't click in person and what is the point of talking for hours on the phone (we don't talk about sex or anything like that, just idle chat but still).

 

Last night he asked again, I said I couldn't and he goes ''ok, then, call me in the morning''.

 

I don't want to call him and I don't know how to make him understand how uncomfortable he's making me feel. At the same time, I do want to meet him next week and I don't want to ruin things before even meeting in person.

 

Can you give me some advice? I have no idea how to handle this situation.

On one hand, I'm totally on board with just scaling back conversation until the date. I've never understood wasting icebreakers before folks have even met. So long as you are communicating regularly, he prefers not to text. That's fair enough. I greatly enjoy the convenience of texting, but if I'm catching myself in a back-and-forth, I'd rather just call and get it over with. So if you're not comfortable calling and he's not comfortable texting, but you may be comfortable with him calling once you two are more familiar, the answer is simple. Go on dates until you're comfortable engaging in phone calls with him. In the meantime, don't likewise press a mode of conversation he doesn't enjoy trying to shoot the **** over SMS.

 

However, telling someone you've never met to call you in the morning seems odd. Not gonna damn the guy, but I'd be on the lookout for any other signs he might be particularly demanding of attention.

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Just tell him you would prefer to save some for your first meet in person and you would rather wait until then to have any more conversations.

 

It sounds like he is trying to reel you in and get you connected before you are ready. Or he may be needy. Either way this is totally your choice so express yourself politely like suggested but be firm. If he persists then that is a red flag in my book.

 

Lost

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Wow, this is a fascinating thread. Trying to date (or keep a spark sparking with a prospect until dating is possible) in quarantine is a challenge!

 

I’m ready to go out and meet people and have fun, but holding off for now because of issues like these.

 

I’m with the voices who are advocating a very direct approach. As a man I very much appreciate women who know themselves and can be clear and straightforward in their relationships. The old stereotype of women expecting men to be mind readers, and the men feeling frustrated because they are having trouble understanding the message behind the message came into being because it can be based in truth at times...

 

But worst case scenario you decide he isn’t worth the trouble of more explaining or he’s too needy (or even manipulative as was suggested earlier in the thread?) and you just cut bait. No big deal, you haven’t even met in person.

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I understand her discomfort and learned the hard way to not spend too much time on the phone prior to meeting.

I do ask that we speak prior to meeting but when you spend days and hours talking on the phone, there is still this sense of some anonymity and you tend to let your guard down At least that's been my experience. Long, deep conversations are often bound to lead to some sort of intimate connection. You feel safe disclosing things to the kind voice on the other end of the phone.

 

And then , , ,you meet. And the physical chemistry isn't there. Now you've basically invested hours of each others time and it isn't going to go anywhere. One side is often disappointed and it's just all around awkward.

 

I'd be straight up and tell him so. That as much as you enjoy talking to him, you don't want either one to risk building an expectation that doesn't live up to your imaginations. You'll keep in touch but you'd rather wait to continue your in depth convo's in person. Assure him that you are looking forward to finally meeting him.

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Thank you all for the advice. I talked to him about it in the nicest possible way and he seemed to accept the fact that I'd rather wait to talk more when we meet. He wasn't pleased (I could tell because he tried to change my mind in a nice but persistent way) and later he sent me an article by a psychologist about negative people. Not sure how to take that!

 

Anyway, we have a date for Monday.

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Take note of that article he sent, it sounds like a crappy thing to do and it might be a red flag. He is trying to make you feel bad for not wanting to do what he wants and is also saying "you're negative" due to not being comfortable with the phone calls.

 

It's not only pushy but it's rude.

 

I hope the date goes better than this!

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he tried to change my mind in a nice but persistent way

 

later he sent me an article by a psychologist about negative people.

 

Yikes. Well, these are... interesting responses.

 

At least you don't have to talk to him on the phone anymore.

 

Go into your date with an open mind and enjoy it for whatever it is!

 

At worst, it will be a good laugh to share with friends later.

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And this is why a brief phone chat before meeting helps. It helps you rule out weirdos like this. Why are you meeting him knowing there are gross incompatibilities and this passive-aggressive maneuver of sending an article like that?

he sent me an article by a psychologist about negative people. we have a date for Monday.
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trying to change your mind and then sending you an article are red flags.

 

It does make me wonder a couple things-

 

1. no offense, I'm sure you're great, but why is he so desperate?

 

2. sending an article like that is.... what is he saying?

a. passive aggressively proving you wrong?

b. trying to show he is smarter or knows more than you?

d. saying you're a negative person?

e. Is he angry or controlling?

 

This behavior says a lot about him. I'm not sure what. But it's not normal, well adjusted, good head on your shoulders behavior.

 

Any stranger trying to convince me out of my comfort zone is a GIANT RED FLAG.

 

I would not meet him. You want to find someone like minded as you.

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trying to change your mind and then sending you an article are red flags.

 

It does make me wonder a couple things-

 

1. no offense, I'm sure you're great, but why is he so desperate?

 

2. sending an article like that is.... what is he saying?

a. passive aggressively proving you wrong?

b. trying to show he is smarter or knows more than you?

d. saying you're a negative person?

e. Is he angry or controlling?

 

This behavior says a lot about him. I'm not sure what. But it's not normal, well adjusted, good head on your shoulders behavior.

 

Any stranger trying to convince me out of my comfort zone is a GIANT RED FLAG.

 

I would not meet him. You want to find someone like minded as you.

 

I totally agree. I would end all contact right now. He's pushing past boundaries with a near stranger -even if you were dating I'd say the same.

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