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Thread: Getting back together after a year apart

  1. #1
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    Getting back together after a year apart

    Has anybody got advice on how to get past what your partner got up to during the year break up i.e. dating, sleeping with women etc.
    Really struggling with this especially as it was a long term relationship of 15 years before we split.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You two were broken up?

    Did you expect him to stay celibate for the rest of his life?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Very hard thing to give advice on. I personally assume most people I break up with will date and have sex with people who are not me, so if I were to get back together with someone—which I have, once—I would do so only knowing I could accept that.

    Did you go on any dates in the past year? Explore romance in any way? If so, maybe try to understand how all that was less about him than about you, so you can see that whatever he was up to was just that: him processing, him living, not him trying to hurt you or make this moment more complicated.

    Can't help but wonder: Was jealousy or his desire to explore other romantic interests issues that had anything to do with the breakup? I ask because oftentimes an issue like this is a proxy for something a bit bigger.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to keep tabs on him. How would you know about his dating life?

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  6. #5
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    I had something similar. Rationally we both know it was natural and understandable but it was not a pleasant thought. What I did was, I gave myself a bit of time (a couple weeks if I remember correctly) during which I put this aside and focused on my current feelings about the relationship. After a short while it felt like a non-issue. If it came back to bother me later it would be more likely a reflection of some other problems in the relationship, and I would look at those problems instead.

    How is the new relationship in general? Do you feel loved and respected? Do you feel secure, or somewhat threatened by the women he might have dated or slept with in the past year? Are you still carrying the old issues that led to your previous breakup? Did you date or try to date yourself during the time apart?

    Ultimately only you can decide if it is okay with you or not. If it continues to bother you, the relationship will become too upsetting to stay in.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I do know couples that have reconciled, but their gratefulness to have each other again out weighs whatever the other did during the breakup. They totally have np dismissing it, and focus on the here and now, building a relationship that is stronger than it ever was.

    Since you struggle with this, this is a sure sign of having doubts, uncertainty about renewing the relationship and getting hurt again. Like someone mentioned, there's most likely unresolved issues still there and not being addressed.

    If I were you I wouldn't jump right back in. You need to have a lot of conversations with him before a commitment can take place.

  8. 05-02-2020, 02:49 PM

  9. #7
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    How to get past the past..

    I have posted previously but I am still struggling with the same issue.
    Together 15 years, got married and 4 months later split up. A mixture of arguing with us both and my partner not realising depression was in the mix for him. However, he reached breaking point and decided he no longer wanted to be in the relationship and so we split up.
    Fast forward a year and we got back together because he realised his feelings were still there but was clouded by the depression and he just felt at the point he left he couldnt continue with how it was. We had a lot of discussions before just jumping back into it. One being that we both did explore dating in the time apart. At first it really didnt get to me but now it is like I am having a delayed reaction and am consumed with insecurities, irrational thoughts about him sleeping with other people which I know is irrational because I did the same but it really is getting to me and I dont know how to get past it.
    It's been 6 months since we got back together and I want it to work so bad but the past is causing so many rows. It's like I need to ask questions about it to make sense of it, then my partner thinks I'm either being judgemental and hypocritical or probing him to catch him out on things even though he did nothing wrong as he was single.
    Has anybody had similar experiences and got advice on how to get past it??
    We are currently having marriage counselling too but due to lock down it is through zoom and it is helpful but find when arguments arise, the advice goes out the window.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Here's your previous thread:
    [Register to see the link]

    Did you disagree with the advice you already got? I'm just trying to see what it is you're looking for that you didn't get in the previous responses.

    All I have to add is, do you feel it's worth sabotaging your relationship to focus on what he did while you two were split up?

    Also, I recommend individual counseling since this is more your issue than a "couple" issue.

  11. #9
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    There wasnt too many responses but I agreed with what was said. I think it is because I am still struggling. I was thinking of asking my counsellor for individual sessions as that is something she offers. I just wondered on here if anyone had similar experiences.
    It definitely is not worth sabotaging my relationship but it's like it consumes me with anxiety about it.

  12. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Threads have been merged.

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